


Unbreakable

by cr8zymommy, Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Car Accidents, Deaths, Disney magic, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, Hospital, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Torture, Nightmares, Psycho Fan, Psychological Drama, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Assault, Sexual Content, Stalker, Suicidal Thoughts, Tea is always the answer, Thriller, Torture, head injuries, talks of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-22 02:44:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 167,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11958075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cr8zymommy/pseuds/cr8zymommy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: Sticks and bones may break Brian's bones but, even going through a terrific assault didn't manage to break his strength.And find love on the other side.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very old story that I've written with cr8zymommy and it is originally posted on her site: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable.html  
> I couldn't reach out to her so, Valerie, if you still around, I hope you don't mind me posting our amazing story.  
> I'll share the link of every chapter, along with stating which one of us wrote it. =)  
> It started as a round robin with another girl, Liz, but it ended with me and Valerie having so much writing this story. And I'll be forever with love with the crazy stalker we created. (Someone has already started a Zachy Fan Club lol).  
> And yes.  
> It's an Arok story. lol

Prologue

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You know that I don’t mind staying here all alone tonight.” Brian said to Nick, watching him running through his suitcase to find him something “stylish” to wear that night.

It was one of the few nights without a concert to do and everyone had decided to take a chance and live the night.

“I know you do but I don’t want you to be alone, baby.” Nick answered, giving him a glance full of love. “Kevin will be out with Kristin and I will feel more comfortable if you go out with AJ and Howie.” He added, getting up with a black silk shirt. “Or, you could go with me, I don’t think Aaron would be mad if you came along, he adores you!”

Brian lowered himself on the bed, thinking about how it was strange yet natural to think that they were lovers.

Brian never thought in hundred years that a guy like Nick would find him attractive and sexy. He had always known about his gayness and for years he had loved Nick silently: he didn’t know when exactly he fell in love with him; it was something that just has been there for so long, in wait for the right time to come out of his shell. And then, one day, it did: it was like a cold shower, a forceful wind with the power to knock him down, pressed with the weight of the sudden revelation. He did love Nick, but not like a friend or a brother.

Still, he didn’t trust himself to confess his feelings: afraid to be rejected from the only person who could make him the happiest man alive; the fear that just those three words could tear them apart was enough to bring him behind the mask of a simply best friend, the only way to be able to hold his love without being suspicious.

He had come up with all different kinds of reason why they shouldn’t be together: he wasn’t his type, he was older, they worked together... but they all crumbled down when he thought about how right felt loving Nick.

And how right felt be loved by him.

“Bri? Are you with me, baby?”

“Sorry, lost in thought.” Brian replied, leaving a small kiss on the angle of Nick’s lips.

“I hope they were pleasant.” Nick murmured, capturing Brian’s lips in a kiss full of passion. Taking’ as always the initiative, Nick parted Brian’s lips with his mouth, requesting the entry to devour him better; he didn’t have to wait long for Brian to open up to him, draw closer to his body while a lustful moan escaped.

_Damn, who would have thought that Brian could be so fucking hot?_   Nick thought while he deepened his kiss and fingers tangled up in Brian’s curls. When they first got together, Brian has been so nervous about what to do, how to kiss him or touch: truly, he was his first, in all the ways possible and imaginable. And that made him wanted Brian more and more, finally able to be the one in control, the one who Brian would have looked up because more experienced.

Brian was melting under his hands, his body was like wax and Nick was the sculptor who can model him in ways he couldn’t understand. He just accepted it and gave himself open to the younger lover.

They broke up from their kiss, both breathed heavily and with love glassed eyes. “Okay, that’s set. I’m not going out, I’m staying here with you!”

“As much as I want you to, your brother won’t be very happy about that.” Brian breathed, leaning his forehead against Nick’s. “It’s only one night, baby.”

“Aaron will understand why I suddenly couldn’t go with him.” Nick whispered in that low and husky tone that made Brian’s knees go weak like jelly.

“Nicky... you know that...” Brian tried to object but his protests only have the result to

“That I’m turning you on?”

“I’m not ready.”

That simple statement seemed to break the atmosphere; Nick got up from the bed, an angry frown on his face. Brian went after him, grabbing his arm and made him turn: when he was able to look at him, Brian noticed the dark light in his ocean eyes, a light that always made a little fear crept up under his skin, knowing how bad Nick’s temper would turn out.

He tried to reach out a hand but Nick flinched away.

“Baby, I’m sorry...”

A small dry laughter escaped Nick’s lips. “You’re always sorry but that doesn’t change the fact that you don’t want me to touch you.”

“It’s not like that! You’re my first and...”

Nick didn’t let him finish. “Are you afraid of me? Do you really believe that I will hurt you?”

“No!”

“So what’s the problem? Every time, Brian, every damned time I try to go a little deeper, you block me! Why?”

Brian lowered his gaze, not wanting Nick to see the tears that were threading to drop. “It’s not you.”

Nick kicked the chair in an angry gesture, sending it on the floor with a loud thump. “It has to be me since you don’t trust me.”

“I do, I truly trust you but I fear that I can’t live up to all your previous lovers.”

“I never asked you to! I’m committed to you, something that I haven’t done with anyone else before! So why don’t you trust me? I promise you that it will be an amazing experience!”

“And after that? How can I be sure that you will be with me even if I disappoint you?”

Nick’s eyes grew bigger with shock. For a long moment, he just stood there, looking at Brian like he was an alien. “You... I can’t believe you think so little about me, Brian.” He said in a toneless voice.

Brian would have beaten up himself, hearing the pain lingered in that words. “Nicky... I love you!”

“You have a great way to display it.” Nick replied, turning to leave. He knew that, if he stays a little while longer, he will do something regretful.

“No, no, no! Nick, don’t go! Please!” begged Brian, knowing how bad he screwed up... Nick acted always like he was so sure of himself when, in reality, it was all a cover up for all the insecurities that lie within him.

Why can’t he give Nick that little thing?

Nick stopped but only to take his jacket. He never turned to look to Brian, aware to the fact that seeing him hurt and his eyes full of guilty would be enough to forgive him on that moment. But he wounded pride wouldn’t let him do that. Brian had to know how bad it hurt knowing that he hadn’t his trust.

“I have to. I can’t talk with you right now... believe it or not, I don’t want to hurt you.” Nick said. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning. I will stay with Aaron tonight.”

“Please... don’t...” Brian pleaded even if he knew that it was useless. Nick made up his mind and nothing could ever change it. Sadly and heart – broken, he watched him open the door, leaving without a goodbye or a kiss.

He stood there, in the center of the room, listening to the defying and too loud silence. He wanted so much to run behind Nick, begging to forgive him but he couldn’t move, he was like frozen in his place, repeating like a mantra Nick’s hurtful words.

“Rok? You ready?”

AJ appeared at the door, still open, and suddenly knew that something was wrong with his friend. Or should he called his secretive love? Brian never told out open that he was gay so AJ never allowed himself to believe having a chance with him... yes, what a surprise when he found Brian and Nick making out in a dressing room!

He sensed that two guys weren’t made for each other but he wouldn’t be the one who broke them off. So he stayed behind, waiting for his chance to appear and offering a shoulder to cry on when Brian and Nick fought, which lately happened too often.

The voice of his friend seemed to knock Brian out of his thoughts; he swallowed his tears and managed to smile a little bit, not wanting to worry AJ. “Give me a minute.” He said, disappearing in the bathroom, holding to his chest the black shirt Nick chose before for him.

It was a little consolation but, by wearing that, he could feel like Nick was still with him.

 

 

 

**********************************************************************

 

 

 

“So, how are the things with Nick?” AJ asked Brian, once they pulled off from the dance floor and sat on the stools at the bar counter. They had been dancing since they had arrived at the club, only the two of them, because Howie had gone off with a blonde curly girl.

AJ was concerned about Brian, who hadn’t spoken a single word since they got out of his hotel room; he was so withdrawn and the smile, that smile he was so in love with, was only a dark shadow and didn’t reach his eyes or lighten them up.

“Good.” Brian answered mindless, sipping a little of his drink. He didn’t want to talk about what happened before but he knew AJ wouldn’t let him go without confess his problems. And truth was, he wanted to talk with AJ because he knew that his friend will be able to make him feel better.

“Hey, cut up all the excitement or you’re gonna blown up this place!” AJ joked, hoping to bright up the mood in his friend.

Brian slapped playfully AJ on the shoulder. “Jackass!”

“Seriously, Bri, what’s the matter?” AJ asked when the laughter died down

Brian closed his eyes, letting out a frustrated sigh. He knew that their fight was mostly because of him but why Nick couldn’t understand his view? “It’s... you’re gonna laugh till the end of the world when you know...”

AJ caught Brian’s hand between his, a serious stare on his eyes. “I would never...” he said, stressing the word never. “Ever laugh at you or at one of your problems.” Brian was taken aback by the caring tone in Alex’s voice, like he was meaning the fact that he wasn’t being ridiculous, which he knew he was... great! Now he was rambling in his thoughts! Still, he didn’t understand why being so close to his friend was giving him weird feelings, like the beat faster of his heart.

Maybe it was the beer he was drinking, he wasn’t a heavy drunker... yeah, it was, without a doubt, that the reason!

“I’m ruining everything with my so called fear! Nick... I know he loves me and I love him too, gosh! I loved him since the first time I saw him! But... you know how Nick was before we got together, he went after guys only for sex, not caring to stay around to know them better. But... with me, it’s different because he knows me and... I’ve waited for him all this time, I hadn’t any boyfriend neither a one night stand so... so what if I’m only...” Brian’s voice trembled, speaking is ultimate fear was so difficult to do!

“Only a good fuck?” AJ added, sensing the hesitation in Brian’s voice.

“You must be always this blunt?” Brian snapped, glancing with fury at AJ. “Sorry, I didn’t mean... but, yeah, that’s what I feared the most. I’m honest with you and said that, yes, making love is kinda scaring me because, even if I don’t have any experience at all, I know it’s totally different with makin love to a woman. And I want to feel that deep connection with him but... I keep telling myself what if it would mean nothing for him? What if I’m not that good?”

AJ wanted to grab Brian by the shoulders and shake him to the truth! How can he hadn’t realized how much hot he was? And why didn’t Nick tell him the truth?

AJ felt his anger rising up, flaming in his veins, how dare Nick to treat Brian in that way?

“Have you tried talking to him?”

“That’s why we were fighting before. We were... you know... making out...”

“You can spare me the details, thanks!” AJ commented with a grin. Yeah, he didn’t want to know how good Nick’s kisses were, wishing silently that he was him instead. Wishing it was him who was making out with that angel standing beside him.

Brian blushed and a hand came up on his collar, trying to loosen it. “I’m not the type and you know!” he said, looking down at his bottle. “We were doing  _that_  and he wanted to...  _that_  and I panicked! I told him I wasn’t ready and he just got mad! Said that I must not love him so much if I don’t trust him!”

Brian looked to be on the verge of crying and all AJ wanted was to hug him, hold him and tell him to trust him instead of Nick.

But, before he could even said a word, Howie caught up with them. “Guys, do you mind if we call quit and go back to the hotel?”

AJ turned to look to Brian. “What do you think?”

Brian shrugged, he didn’t mind either decision. “Whatever you like. Nick will be out all night so...”

“Well, I can keep you company, if you like.” AJ offered, not wanting to end the night with Brian. He know he would regret his decision the morning after, when he would wake up and find that it was only a platonic night between friends but he couldn’t let slip away the chance to spend some hours alone with Brian.

“Why everyone thinks that I can’t stand alone and be happy?” Brian whined playfully. But then his expression got softer as he looked back to AJ. “I wouldn’t mind though.” He added in a whisper, really wanting to finish the conversation they were having before Howie interrupted them. He really need an advice and Alex was the best person he could think of. And... he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.

Mesmerized by the look of Brian, AJ didn’t dare to say anything; he knew his brain couldn’t phrase any logical and meaning words. Luckily, Howie jumped in. “Well, let’s go then.”

“One moment. I really have to go to the bathroom!” Brian said, leaving on the counter his beer.

Howie frowned. He wasn’t very fond of public restroom and, judging by the amount of people in the club, the hygienic level of the bathroom would be so low. “Can’t you wait until we’re at the hotel?”

“No, it can’t! Geez, Howie, it will take only few minutes!”

“It’s not that. Do you know how many diseases you can get in a public restroom?”

“Why don’t you tell AJ about it while I go in?” Brian asked, giggling.

“Thank you so much Brian! Now I have to listen him rambling about it while you’re gone!”

Brian stocked out his tongue while he running through the people.

Nobody, neither AJ or Howie noticed a tall blonde man who followed Brian, either his gaze, similar to a predator who had chosen his prey.  

 

 

 

********************************************

 

 

 

Ten, twenty... half an hour passed and still Brian wasn’t back from the bathroom; Howie was getting nervous for so whatever reason but AJ... AJ was worried, even if he couldn’t pin up the reason why.

Maybe Brian had been sick and he knew how bad he could get just in a matter of time, him and Nick had always made fun of the older about how weak his stomach was!

Yeah, he was worried but there was something, on the pit of his stomach, that told him that something very bad had happened. He shrugged it off, blaming the alcohol and the conversation him and Brian were having before being interrupted by Howie. 

He leaned forward Howie, closer so he would be heard. “D, I’m going to find out where the hell is Brian!”

Howie nodded. “I’m out of here. I will wait in the car!”

AJ, too, nodded and took off to where the bathroom was, making his way through the people dancing and making out on the dance floor.

As he approached the restroom, he saw a blonde man coming out of it and he was taken aback by how much he looked alike Nick: he was tall like him, his eyes were the same blue color and, even physically they were similar. The only difference was the grin on his face, a twisted and dark stare that sent chills through his spine.

He didn’t like the fact that he was in the bathroom the same time Brian was in.

And right there, standing in front of the door, his bad feeling came back forceful, pushing him to step in the restroom with a panic step.

“Brian?”

The room was empty and yes, Howie was right about the lack of hygiene: the payment was wet, paper toilet stuck up, creating a clammy path around the sinks. The only sound audible was the dipping of water in one of the sink; still AJ tended his ears, hoping to hear other sounds that would tell him where the hell was Brian.

The sickening feeling grew stronger as he reached the opposite wall, from which he could swear he heard a fainting and very low sob.

What he saw shocked him to the very core.

“Oh my fucking God!”


	2. First Chapter

"Oh my fucking God!" AJ gasped.  
  


Never in his life had AJ expected to see the sight he was met with.  
  


Brian laying on the floor in the last stall of the bathroom, curled up into a ball with his pants around his ankles and blood coming out of his ass sobbing.  
  


"Brian?" AJ said softly kneeling down on the floor. He slowly and carefully placed a hand on Brian’s arm.  
  


"No!" Brian cried and quickly moved away from the person that was with him. He felt overwhelming fear wash over him again.  
  


"Brian? Brian, it’s me, Alex. I swear I will never hurt you." AJ tried to say soothingly. He had to fight tooth and nail to keeping his calm. The last thing Brian needed was him freaking out.  
  


Brian didn't move. He just stared at AJ.  
  


AJ watched Brian’s face and expression as Brian stared at him. To AJ, it seemed Brian wasn't even aware that he was there. He looked completely dazed.  
  


"Brian?" AJ said softly, not wanting to scare his friend any further.  
  


AJ watched as Brian blinked a couple of times.  
  


"Bri?" AJ said softly.   
  


Brian looked at AJ.  
  


"I wanna go." Brian whispered.  
  


AJ nodded slowly getting up. He held out a hand to Brian, who was still on the floor.  
  


Brian looked at the hand for a long moment then up at AJ. He slowly placed his hand in AJ's.  
AJ carefully helped Brian up. He felt his heart break when Brian quickly let go of his hand after he was on his feet.  
  


Brian felt shame and sadness overcome him as he pulled up his boxers and pants. He felt so dirty and used.  
  


"Brian?"  
  


Brian turned his head and looked at AJ.  
  


"You ready?" AJ asked softly.  
  


Brian nodded after zipping up his pants.  
  


They walked out of the bathroom.  
  


Brian felt fear again when he saw the amount of people in the club. He jumped when he felt a hand take his and saw AJ.  
  


"I'm here with you, Brian. I won't let anyone hurt you again." AJ said soothingly in Brian’s ear.  
  


Brian felt a sense of security as AJ’s hand held his. He allowed AJ to lead him out of the club and toward the car that was waiting for them.  
  


AJ opened the door for Brian. He looked at Brian when he noticed Brian hadn't moved. He saw fear on Brian’s face.  
  


"You want me to get in first?" AJ asked softly.  
  


Brian looked at AJ and slowly nodded.  
  


"Just don't let go." Brian whispered.  
  


AJ stared into the older man's eyes. He knew he was talking about his hand even though a small part of him wished for more.  
  


"I won't let go until you tell me to." AJ said softly to Brian.  
  


AJ got into the car, still holding Brian’s hand. He watched Brian slowly get into the car and shut the door. He noticed Brian wince in pain when he sat down.  
  


"Lean toward me if that'll be more comfortable for you." AJ whispered in Brian’s ear.  
  


Brian raised their joined hands and wrapped AJ’s arm around his shoulders and leaned toward AJ.  
  


AJ noticed the questioning look Howie gave them. He gave Howie a 'don’t ask' look. He looked down at Brian after he laid his head on his chest. He held Brian closer. He looked at Howie again.  
  


"Tell the driver to take the underground entrance at the hotel. We don't want to have to deal with fans." AJ said.  
  


Brian wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist.  
  


The drive back to the hotel had been silent. Each man lost in his own thoughts.  
  


When they arrived at the hotel, Howie got out of the car first.  
  


AJ looked down at Brian.  
  


"Ready, Bri?" AJ asked softly.  
  


Brian slowly pulled away from AJ and got out of the car. He waited for AJ to get out.  
  


AJ got out of the car and took Brian’s hand again.  
  


They followed Howie into the hotel and into the elevator.  
  


AJ leaned toward Brian.  
  


"What do you want to do when we get to our floor?" AJ whispered in Brian’s ear.  
  


"Get my stuff and take it to your room?" Brian whispered back.  
  


AJ looked at Brian and saw a scared boy. His heart broke.  
  


"Of course you can, Brian. You can stay with me as long as you want." AJ whispered to Brian.  
  


It tore at AJ’s heart seeing the one he loved look so fragile and broken. He wished there was something, anything, he could do to erase Brian’s pain.  
  


The doors of the elevator opened to their floor and AJ led Brian out of the elevator and down the hall to the room Brian shared with Nick.  
  


Brian gave AJ the room key and AJ opened the door.  
  


They slowly walked into the room.  
  


Brian was behind AJ praying silently, holding his breath.  
  


"It looks like the room is empty." AJ said.  
  


Brian breathed a sigh of relief.  
  


"Let's just hurry and get my stuff and leave." Brian said nervously.  
  


AJ looked at Brian for a long moment before nodding.  
  


They quickly packed all of Brian’s things. When they were done, AJ led Brian out of the room and down the hall to his room.  
  


AJ opened his hotel room door and motioned Brian to go before him.  
  


Brian walked into the room and set his stuff down by the wall and just stood there. He felt sadness fill him as tears come to his eyes. He heard AJ shut the door behind him and set his stuff down.  
  


AJ watched as Brian turned around and threw his arms around his neck. He felt Brian bury his face into the crook of his neck and heard him burst into tears. AJ wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist and held him close and comfortingly.

'How could anyone hurt the sweetest, most loving man I know?' AJ thought to himself sadly, holding Brian closer as the cried in each other’s arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable2.html (Liz)


	3. Second Chapter

Second Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It took the better part of a half hour before AJ could get Brian to move enough to get out of the doorway. The older man clung to him still. AJ was at a loss as to what to do for him. He knew, or at least guessed, what had happened. He also knew well enough to not bother asking Brian about details. One, he doubted he’d want to hear them. Two, it wasn’t the time to ask for them. The most basic part of what had happened, AJ had already figured out. All that mattered now was helping his friend, the man he loved.

“Bri, baby, do you want to go take a shower?” AJ asked him gently.

Brian nodded vehemently. He allowed AJ to lead him to the bathroom, where the younger man turned the water on and got it ready for Brian. He pulled back and stared in to Brian’s eyes. “I’m going to go out to the living area and get your stuff, get it set up in the dresser and such, ok?” AJ himself never bothered to do that with his stuff, but he knew that Brian did. Anything he could do to set him at ease he would.

When Brian nodded, AJ gave him a comforting smile. “All right. You just take your time, and come out when you’re ready.”

Just as AJ was about to leave the bathroom, Brian called his name softly. AJ turned to look at him. “If Nick shows up, don’t, don’t let him in, ok?” Brian asked hesitantly. Though it confused him, AJ didn’t hesitate in nodding. “No problem, honey.” As he shut the door, though, his mind raced a million miles a minute. What was that about? Was it just that Brian was ashamed of what had happened, or was it…no, no way. AJ cut that thought off before it could take root. No way was that the case.

He took all of Brian’s things into the bedroom and put them into the dresser. It left him with too much alone time with his thoughts. Too much to think about. He couldn’t help but speculate about what had happened, and worry about the man he loved. If what he think had happened had, well, happened, then his poor Brian was going to be tore up inside. The idea of someone hurting Brian had his anger boiling. He tried to calm himself. The last thing that Brian needed to see when he came out was AJ raging at the world.

Once everything was set up, AJ changed out of his club clothes into a baggy t-shirt and sweats. Then he put a pair of sweats and a shirt in the bathroom on the counter for Brian before sneaking back out. He stretched out on the bed, staring at the ceiling and trying to force himself to keep cool. But the image of Brian’s face when AJ had walked into that bathroom was hard to erase. Or the way that Brian had clung to him the whole ride back to the hotel.

So lost in thought was he that he didn’t hear the shower cut off, or when Brian came walking in to the bedroom. He was pulled from his thoughts when he heard someone clearing their throat. AJ’s eyes shot open and he looked down to the foot of the bed where Brian stood, shuffling his feet.

Without him having to ask, AJ understood what his friend wanted. He pulled the covers out and slid underneath them, and left the one side open in an obvious invitation. Brian didn’t hesitate. He scurried forward and climbed into bed, pulling the covers over himself. Once he was in, he scooted close to AJ. Taking the hint, AJ lifted an arm and allowed Brian to curl up against his side and rest his cheek on AJ’s chest. Reaching out, he turned the bedside lamp off.

AJ wrapped his arm around Brian’s shoulders and stared at the top of his head. He wondered again who would hurt his beautiful angel.

“Thank you, Alex.” Brian whispered softly in the darkness.

“Anytime, sweetheart.”

They lapsed into silence. One wishing to give comfort, the other craving it. Wrapped in AJ’s embrace, Brian felt safe. The panic ebbed slightly, and he found he could actually breathe better. He knew there was no way that anyone would hurt him with AJ standing guard. No one would get past him.

“I’m scared to go to sleep.”

The quiet admission had AJ’s arm tightening slightly around Brian. “I bet. But I’m right here, and I’ll stay here all night. I won’t leave you alone.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Go to sleep, hon.”

Wrapped in the safety and comfort of his friends arm, Brian did just that.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Brian woke first. A strange buzzing sound had woke him, almost like an alarm. Groggy, he rubbed at his eyes. For a moment he was disoriented. Where was he? He was snuggled up to someone, but it wasn’t a feeling that he recognized. But as his brain woke up, the previous evening came back to him. Along with it came the fear.

That buzzing sound interrupted Brian’s thoughts. He looked over at the dresser where a cell phone was vibrating.  He was afraid he knew who it was, and he didn’t want to answer it. After a moment it stopped, and he breathed a sigh of relief. Then it started again. Three times the person called. On the fourth call, Brian jumped when AJ spoke above his head. “Do you want me to answer it?”

Brian turned his eyes upward, and AJ must have seen the answer there because he smiled and slid out of bed. On bare feet he padded over to the dresser and scooped the phone up, pressing the answer button before holding it to his ear. “Yo, Bri’s phone service. Please leave your name and number after the beep. BEEP!”

The insane urge to chuckle filled Brian. Leave it to AJ. No matter how a person felt, he could always manage to get them to either smile or laugh. Even when that person was feeling lower than they ever had before. It was one of the reasons that he enjoyed AJ’s company so much. He caught AJ’s eye and smiled at him. AJ smiled back and tipped him a saucy wink.

AJ chewed on his lip as Nick’s voice rang in his ear. “Where the hell is Brian? Why do you have his phone?”

“As I said, I’m just the phone service, bud. He’s still sleeping right now,” AJ lied easily. From where he lay on the bed Brian sighed in appreciation. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to Nick right then.

“What the fuck is he doing sleeping over there?”

“Not what you’re thinking, Nick my boy. I’m not a poacher, you know.”

“Bullshit. Why else would he sleep over there? That little fucker won’t give it up to me cause he’s ‘not ready’ but he’ll come bang you? Real high fucking class.”

“Oh, grow up, Nick.” AJ tried to censor what he was saying, conscious of Brian watching him. He didn’t want Brian to know that his asshole of a boyfriend was accusing him of cheating. “You know better than that, so shove it.” There was so much more he wanted to say, but he held it in. Yet again he wondered what it was that Brian saw in Nick. They fought all the time. If AJ ever had the luck of having Brian in his life, he would have spent his time making that beautiful face smile, not frown.

“All his shits gone, J, and apparently he’s rooming with you. You tell me what the fuck to think! Cause to me, it sure as shit looks like I just lost my boyfriend to you.”  
  
AJ looked over to where Brian was still lying in bed, staring at him with wide, fearful eyes. He tried to control his temper. That wasn’t what Brian needed to see or hear. “Think what you want, but you’re wrong. Now, is there a message or just an attitude? Cause you woke me up, thank you very much.”

“Yeah there’s a message! I want my Goddamn boyfriend back, AJ! His shits gone and he’s gone. I want him back over here so I know what the fuck is going on! Why is he hiding from me? Why isn’t he answering his phone? I want him to come talk to me!”

“Duly noted. Thank you for calling and have a super day!” On that note, AJ hung the call up and shut off the phone. After putting it back on the dresser, he picked his phone up and shut it off as well. Then he walked over to the hotel phone and unplugged it from the wall. When he was done he dusted his hands with a satisfied smirk. “There, now no one’s gonna bug us.”

He went back to the bed and climbed under the covers. Instantly Brian was back under his arm, snuggled close. AJ held him tightly and, unable to resist, kissed the top of his head. “Go back to sleep, honey. There’s nothing planned for today and we got in late. Take advantage of it, and sleep.”

“It’s hard to sleep.” Brian whispered. “It’s hard for me to close my eyes. I, I see it all. All over again.”

This had to be played very delicately. AJ tried to modulate his tone as best as possible. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked gently. For a moment Brian was quiet, then he was shaking his head. “I can’t. Not yet. Please, J, not right now.  What uh, what did Nick want?”

“He wanted to know where you were.” AJ promptly replied. If Brian wanted to change the subject he wouldn’t argue it. Especially when he pleaded like that. There was fear and heartache in Brian’s voice that he wanted to fix, but he didn’t know how. “Wanted to know why you stuff was gone, all of that. He wants you to come see him.”

A shudder ran through Brian’s frame and he snuggled in closer. “I…I’m really tired.”

It was an obvious ploy, but AJ let it pass. He kissed the top of Brian’s head again. “Go to sleep, honey.”

“You’ll stay with me?”

“I’m not going anywhere. Go to sleep.” AJ began to hum softly. A wordless tune that soothed Brian until finally he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable3.html


	4. Third Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Exsplicit Rape/Non - Con scene at the beginning of the chapter; rape.

Third Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_He made his way through the crowd, only stopped once to ask someone where the hell was the bathroom. He knew he could have waited till they got to the hotel but he was pretty damn sure that, by the time they reached for it, he would have a bitter headache on top of everything._

_Like a mad boyfriend._

_The beer he drank had done nothing about erasing the fight between him and Nick. He still had in his ears the coldness in Nick’s voice when he left him or the hurt in those blue eyes._

_Gosh, why it was so hard for him?_

_He pushed the door and found out with a relief that nobody was in there. He didn’t feel up to stand with a stranger while doing his stuff._

_So, he went to the last stall, thinking that, if someone walked in, he was out of sight and barely noticed._

_Lost in his thought, he didn’t hear the door slamming loud or the click of locking._

_“My oh my, I think I’m really lucky tonight!”_

_Brian snapped back his head, startled by the sudden voice behind his back. More shocking was the man he came to face, it was like standing in front of a mirror imagine of Nick: the same golden blond hair, in a short cut with some hair falling down on his eyes, a blue piercing that shook him to the core because there was no love in those pools, only a dark light. He was tall, much taller than him, and, more important, he was so much bigger._

_“I’ve finished.” Brian said, hoping to escape without so much trouble. He tried to get past the man but he blocked him, placing himself between the stall and the only exit. He couldn’t escape, neither ran because there’s no way he couldn’t get far enough before being caught by the man._

_“Well, good to hear because...” the man leave out the rest, stepping a lot more closer. Brian backed off but he was soon feeling the cold wall. “... I’m not even started with you.”_

_Fear started to creep up on Brian, sweat started to run through his skin._

_He didn’t like that situation._

_The man was only a few inch away from him, yet he could smell the alcohol coming from him._

_“I like you.” The man added. “And I know I could give you a hell of ride.”_

_Brian swallowed the feared lump in his throat. A hand came upon his chin so he turned quick his head._

_Maybe, that wasn’t the right thing to do._

_Another hand came upon him, around his neck, in a death grip. He couldn’t breathe, let alone scream for help. Tears welled up in his eyes as he fought the thought that this would be his first time... no, no, no... he had to fight back!_

_“Ple... please...”_

_“You shouldn’t fight back. I was thinking about being good but you haven’t left me with other choice than that.” The drunk breath was closer to his ear, made him like puking because of that bad smell but the hand around his neck prevented him to do. He tried to free himself, struggling to relieve the pressure but it was like trying to move a dead weight._

_He felt himself slammed back against the wall, the hard tile knocked him down for a few second as he felt a burning pain in his back and in his head._

_“I don’t want to hear anything, am I clear little one?” the man said before nibbling his ear so hard that Brian feared that he was going to lose it._

_When Brian didn’t answer, though, a hard kick connected with his stomach; he doubled over in pain, letting out a muffled moan._

_He felt himself being lift up, again slammed against the wall. “Am I clear?”_

_“Y...yes.” he stuttered, knowing that, if he didn’t respond, the man would beat him up until he would spoke up._

_There wasn’t nothing he could do to prevent what was coming. He knew he couldn’t fight back, for the man much stronger than him, so he just let him do whatever he wanted._

_No begging, no pleading... nothing could help him._

_“That’s good, my blond.” A hand caressed him on the cheek, soon followed by the wet feeling of lips trailed his way down to his lips. They demanded an opening but Brian refused. He had kissed only one man before, his boyfriend, and kisses were supposed to be between lovers. He couldn’t give in with such an intimate sharing, he didn’t want to lose the only thing he could really protect._

_The man bite down his lips, so hard that he could taste his own blood. Still, he refused and that got the man angrier._

_“You asked for it.”_

_In a quick move, the man’s hands found their way to his jeans, undoing the buttons and tore them down along with his pants._

_Tears of shame dropped down from Brian’s eyes, despite he clutched them shout down. If he didn’t see, he could pretend that it wasn’t happening to him. like it was only a brutal nightmare and, when he would wake up, he would find himself in the loving arms of his Nick, with soothing words of love._

_“Oh, what do we have here?” the strange voice pulled him back from his pleasant thoughts, along with the feeling of an intruder’s hand on his cock. “You’re much bigger than what I thought.” He added with a smirk, stroking him forcefully._

_Behind closed eyes, Brian was trying with all his might to repress the natural respond that his body was having to the touch. Still, it was an unwanted touch. His disgust towards himself grown hand in hand with the growth of his manhood but he couldn’t do nothing, how in hell someone could fight against his own reactions?_

_“Face the wall.”_

_The order came straightforward and Brian, unwillingly, did what he was told. Slowly, he turned and braced himself for what was coming. Without a notice, the man slammed himself inside him and soon all Brian could think was the intense and burning pain. It was like someone was trying to rip him apart, forcing his way through him and tearing everything that came in his way. He could feel the slick sensation of blood sliding off, gosh, it hurt so bad!_

_Every thrust inflicted him a deeper and unbearable pain but nothing could came closer to the mental anguish he was going through: he was so weak that he couldn’t protect himself from a drunk man, he felt like a failure of a man. Was he different from a whore? No, there wasn’t any difference at all._

_As he became more and more numb at the pain being inflicted, he felt himself dirtier and dirtier._

_Lost, Brian didn’t noticed when the man came inside him._

_Or when he left him all alone in that bathroom, slumped over the floor like a ragged doll._

_He only remembered one thing, the last thing the man whispered him before leaving him shivering and silently crying over what he had lost that night._

_“That was so fun. Prepare yourself because I will be back for more. I know who you are.”_     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

 

 

The agonizing screaming was what made AJ woke up abruptly, not really coherent this time.

“What the hell was that?” he asked himself while trying to recollect the past hours. He remembered going out with Howie and Brian... Brian!

Oh freaking sweet Jesus!

He shot up,

“No... please... PLEASE!”

Brian was shouting at top of his lungs, trashing around to escape the man that was holding him down. AJ didn’t waste any time, he rolled on his side and tried to calm his friend.

“Bri, calm down... it’s only a nightmare...” he soothed, brushing the already damp hair off of his forehead. It was a gentle gesture, brought up by the need of give comfort, but it caused more fear in Brian, for he thought that his attacker had come back for more, just like he promised in that small bathroom. Reality and unconscious were mixing together, creating a new world around the broken man, a world where he wasn’t safe, no hiding from the blackness that threatened to swallow him in a black hole; no running from demons that haunted him with that hallow voice.

His eyes snapped open and started looking around fearfully, looking for the monster.

“Bri, I’m Alex. You’re safe, no one will hurt you.” AJ kept saying like a mantra, hoping to get through the man. He didn’t know what to do, he never found himself in that kind of situation where he was actually the one giving out help and comfort. Usually, it was the other way round, especially with Brian.

Finally Brian seemed to focus more on the person lying beside him: no blond hair, no blue eyes. There stood only his Alex, with brown eyes so full of worry and concern. “Alex?” he asked, wanting to know if that was really true, that he was safe.

“Yeah, that’s me.” AJ replied with softness and watched as Brian’s face relaxed a little bit while tears, still hiding behind the eyelids, slide down his face. As gently as AJ might be, he wiped away those clear water drops from his strained cheek. “It’s okay. I’m here. You can let it go.”

Brian shook his head. “No...” he murmured, shaken from the memories that still lingered inside his mind. He curled up on himself, a tight ball where Alex couldn’t see how much ashamed he was of himself, how much dirty he had become. How much brokenness lied inside him, where blood barely crept his way through veins and arteries.

AJ tried to reach for Brian for he just wanted to hold him and make all the pain away. He just wanted to see that marvelous smile that seemed to light up the room everywhere Brian went, heard that crystalline laughter that lifted him up without even trying.

Brian was a happy and cheerful guy, those were the things AJ loved most. Not anymore, he thought sadly. The light in those cerulean eyes was gone and he feared it was gone forever.

“I can tell Kevin you’re not feeling well.”

Nothing came from the man beside him.

Only forced breaths, which were quietly scaring him.

“Bri, please.”

Suddenly, Brian turned and crawled beside him, burying his head in the warm embrace. He didn’t know why, he couldn’t think of someone touching him but within AJ’s arms he felt safe.

Protected.

Loved.

And he needed that. He needed to feel surrounded by love, something familiar that couldn’t harm him.

AJ, relieved by that, tightened his grip and put his arms around Brian’s waist, holding him close.

“It’s going to be okay, baby.” He whispered, kissing the top of Brian’s head.

For long moments, the only sounds audible in the room were the heart wrenching sobs. But, as time passed, those started to slow down until they were only a random cry.

Brian picked up his face. “Sorry... I...” he said raspily, feeling so exhausted even though if he just wake up.

AJ placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. “No problem.” He added, a smile on his face. “I’ve been told I got good shoulder to cry on.”

Brian couldn’t help the little chuckle. “You’re only a little hard. Only skin and bones.”

“Oh God help me! Nick’s blondeness has caught you! Why did you think they call me Bone?”

Brian shrugged his shoulder. “I don’t really want to know!” Then, he retried himself from the embrace, sitting up on the bed.

“What do you want to do?” AJ asked him, propping himself up.

“A shower.” Brian replied immediately with a shudder. There was an aching all over himself, it urged him to scratch himself raw, like really pulling his skin that made him feel so dirty.

“I understand.” AJ reassured him. “It’s perfectly normal. While you’re in I’ll order us something to eat. Do you want something special?”

“No... I’m not much hungry. But thanks.”

AJ arched his brows, worry was all over his face as he watched Brian disappearing inside the bathroom.

He just had to make sure to look after Brian for the next days, he knew how easy was to fall inside a dysfunctional vortex and he would prevent it if he could.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

AJ was busying himself while waiting for Brian, still closed in the bathroom. From time to time he would get closer to the door and tended his ear, afraid of hearing only silence. But every time he heard the sound of the shower running and he let out a breath full of relief. He didn’t think that Brian could do something dangerous, like trying to kill himself, he wasn’t that type of guy but still what had happened could change someone totally.

He folded all Brian’s clothes before putting them inside his bag. He was just trying to help and the automatic task allowed his mind to go over all the things he had to do.

First, he had to convince Brian to let them cancel the concert and postpone it in the next days; he wasn’t sure Brian was up to stand in front a million screaming girls, dancing like it was a normal day.

But one thing he knew was that Brian was one of the most stubborn people he ever met. More stubborn than him, which was something very rare to find. If Brian made his mind on something, well, nothing and no one would be able to made him dropped off.

That though led him to find the perfect excuse to tell the others. Well, he could say that Brian got sick last night, something mild like food poising or a stomach bug. That could explain why Brian would be a lot of time in the bathroom and why he was eating lesser than normal.

A loud knock on the front door of the room brought him back from his thoughts.

“AJ! I know you are there so let me in!”

Nick. The only person he didn’t want Brian to see.

“ _Check to myself. Try to find out why Brian is so afraid of Nick._ ” he thought while hurrying to the door before Brian would be out.

He yanked the door open and stood on the doorframe, not letting Nick inside. He could sense his anger radiating and he wouldn’t let him near Brian if he didn’t calm down

“What do you want?”

“My boyfriend. Last time I checked he was still mine.”

“Look, he’s still sleeping so why don’t you come back when you grow some heart?”

“I believe that problems between Brian and me aren’t yours too.”

“In fact, I’m staying out of it. But he’s sleeping so... come back later.” AJ said, trying to shut the door closed but Nick put his foot and prevented it.

“No, this has to be cleared before going on stage.”

Before AJ could do something, a little voice spoke behind him.

“Nick is right.” Brian said, appearing from the bedroom. “Alex, can you leave us alone? I- I need to talk to Nick.” he added, not really looking anywhere but on the floor.

AJ got closer, wanting to be sure that that was what he really wanted to do but then he remember how Brian didn’t want to be touched right then. So he stopped. “You sure?” simply asked, not bothered by the angry stare he got from Nick. Brian was his main concern and he didn’t give a damn if the younger was pissed off. In total honesty, AJ didn’t want to leave Brian alone with Nick, knowing how bad Nick could get if he was angry and mad and he wasn’t sure how much strength Brian held to stand up for himself or to defend himself.

So he wished for Brian to say no, that he wasn’t sure and he indeed wanted him by his side.

A little yet still sad smile curved Brian’s lips. “I’m sure. You don’t have to worry.”

“I will be in the other room if you ever need me.” AJ replied; then he turned to Nick. “And Nicker, if I ever hear you scream at Brian, you bet I will be here to kick your ass. He doesn’t need that right now.”

Brian shot him a quick glance, but he was quite relieved about that comment, even if he couldn’t explain why. But there was so much confusion in his mind that explanations seemed to be only a wishful thinking.

“So... care to explain why you are here and not with me?” Nick demanded once AJ was out of the room, arms crossed over his chest and that dead set in his eyes told Brian how much his lover was mad. He shouldn’t had left without a little note but last night... well, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do the right thing. And he knew that Nick would be much more understanding if he told him what happened but he already decided that that was out of question, nobody but AJ would ever know what was done.

Still, he didn’t want to fight with Nick. No when he needed just support and comfort. But... no, breaking up with Nick was the only thing he could do to prevent his lover to get hurt. He couldn’t give him what he needed and it was much better if they parted instead of barely surviving in a relationship already dead.

With that goal in his mind, Brian took every inch of strength he could find in his soul, repeating at himself that soon he would be able to hide away from everyone.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I-I got sick last night so Alex helped me.” Well, that wasn’t really a lie… Alex helped him even though it wasn’t because he was throwing up like the little girl of “The Exorcist”.

Nick’s features softened a bit hearing that: if Brian was sick then there weren’t doubts that he didn’t cheat on him with Jay. Still, there was something he couldn’t explain. “Why did you take all of your things?”

That was the hard part. Brian couldn’t tell him the truth, no freaking way. “I was afraid you... you had left me and I didn’t want to... You were so mad and disappointed that I thought it was better for me to not be there when you would come back.”

“Left you? Why in the hell?” Nick screamed, fury flaming in his eyes. Brian flickered, terror in his veins about the outcome of that conversation. In other situation, he would fight back with equal fury, their fights were always heated up and he knew that, if they had took up the ultimate step in their relationship, their make-up would be as much passionately. Sadly, Brian thought, he would never find out.  

“Please... Nicky... let me finish...” he whispered, hoping that fear wasn’t clear in his tone.

Nick stared at the guy, noticing for the first time his appearance: that man in front of him wasn’t his Brian, no, his Brian couldn’t be that small looking man, wrapping himself tight around the oversized sweater he wore. His Brian would never beg him in that way, like a child afraid of what punishment his dad had in store for whatever he had done.

He mentally cursed himself, his anger suddenly left him as he realized how wrong he was. He had thought that Brian had cheated on him, the shock of coming back and found out that his lover wasn’t there and none of his things... yes, he was mad at the phone with AJ but the anger hide the hurt and the heartache. That and the fact that he tended to act by instinct, not thinking before about the consequences of his words, that had driven him to pick up his phone.

Nick really cared about Brian; he wasn’t sure that what he felt for the sandy - blonde haired was indeed love but he knew it was something he never felt for anybody before and he was sure it wasn’t only lust. That’s why he was so hurt the night before because he thought that Brian knew him better than that. Or, maybe, he realized that he never shown how much he care for his boyfriend.

“I’m so sorry, Nicky. I know I’m being hard to deal with and... I shouldn’t be afraid of you. But that wasn’t ever the problem. It was me.”

“That’s not true, Bri. I should have been more understanding.”

Brian, hearing those sincere words, wanted to crawl inside his lover’s arms and to forget all the previous happening. But, along with that, came the fear, he didn’t want Nick to get near him, afraid that he might caught what had happened to him, afraid he would become dirty as much as he was now. No, he couldn’t let it happen!

Still, Brian took two steps ahead him, fighting the urge to go back in the bathroom and let Alex deal with everyone. But that would be letting that man win over him another time and he wouldn’t give him that pleasure.

He stopped when he was close to Nick, not enough to touch and be touched but enough to hear the steady beat of Nick’s heart, a sound that lulled him to sleep so many nights.

“Nicky... I’m... I’ve thought about it. I love you, you’re my best friend but... but right now I’m not... I can’t stay with you. We aren’t happy, I can’t make you happy and I can’t keep hurting you denying you to share love. I want you to be happy, even if it’s without me.”

Nick looked at him completely shocked. “You... you’re breaking up with me?” he couldn’t believe it! How in the world they’ve came to that point? In a matter of moments, Brian had gone from being afraid that he left him to be the one who was leaving.

Brian nodded, not trusting his voice.

“Why?” Nick asked. “If it’s because you’re not ready, I will wait. It doesn’t matter, baby.”

Seeing Nick trying to get closer, Brian turned around and went to the large window. “Do you remember when we got together, Nick?”

Nick, despite the seriousness of the situation, couldn’t help but smile at the memory. “Of course.”

“And do you remember what we agreed?”

A frown appeared on Nick’s forehead as he tried to remember the conversation part of that day. He only remembered how wonderful it was kissing Brian and held him while dancing under the moonlight.

“We decided that our friendship would be more important than everything else and, if things will go bad for us, we would have stopped before ruined it.” Brian answered. He looked in the window, observing as recognition hit Nick. He didn’t forget. “You’re my best friend, Nick. I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t lose me, Bri.”

“That’s why I’m letting you go.”

Nick wanted to fight back but there was so much sadness and pain in Brian’s eyes reflected on the window that that he couldn’t bring it up. Something was holding Brian back but he couldn’t pinpoint what.

“Are you in love with Jay?” Nick blurted out the first thing that came in mind.

Brian turned around in a spin, eyes big and his mouth open wide as he stared in bewilderment. Did Nick really think that? But, as he thought more, maybe that could be the perfect excuse for him... surely, he couldn’t tell the truth, that would be bad. But then... he couldn’t even phantom being with someone, even though Alex was the only one he let touch him.

Hell, he didn’t know what to do with himself, he felt like being caught in the eye of a hurricane.

No, he couldn’t put Alex between him and Nick.

“No!” he exclaimed. “I’m not in love with Alex, he’s just a friend.”

“So why? I promise you that I won’t pressure!”

“It’s not that... please, Nick. just trust me when I say that you’ll be better without me.” Brian pleaded him, feeling close to tears. “Please...”

Nick couldn’t bear with that hurt, Brian sounded so broken and he was so helpless because he didn’t know how to help him. If breaking up meant to less the pain, then he would do it.

“Okay, Bri.” Nick agreed. “Even if I’m not happy and I still think that there are other ways to solve our problem, I will give you all the time you need. I’ll wait for you, still. ‘Cause I’m not giving you up.”

And with that, Nick walked out the room before he started to beg Brian to rethink his decision. And with the heavy truth in his heart that, this time, he couldn’t help his best friend and lover.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

 

 

Brian didn’t know how much time had passed from the moment he saw Nick going out. He simply stood there, staring at the closed door, wanting more than anything to just run for him and tell him that he wasn’t really thinking straight.

“Bri?” a voice behind him called, the raspy tone told him that it was Alex. He heard footstep coming forward him and he fought back the fear and the panic. “It’s only Alex.” he repeated mentally, erasing the little voice that was screaming for danger. “Everything’s okay?”

How could he ask him that? No, nothing was right and he feared that they would never be.

There was nothing left for him to hold on to, neither his faith was a relief.

Why did it happen to him? Why did he have to give up something that he treasured so bad?

“I broke up with Nick.” Brian answered flatly. He didn’t have any emotion left in him, just a numb feeling creeping up between the waves of pain.

AJ was shocked, beyond shock in total honesty. He didn’t see that coming, he always thought that Nick would be the one to end their relationship.

Remembering to not touch him, AJ got closer to Brian, who still stood in the center of the room with his fists clutched tight. “Why?”

A dry laugh was the only response Brian gave. He didn’t want to leave Nick but that was the right thing to do; he would only hurt him and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Is this really what you want?” AJ asked Brian, stunned about his decision. In part, yes, he was relieved because that meant that he could have a chance but, on the other hand, AJ knew that this wasn’t a logical decision, it was only dictated by what had happened and the need to protect himself.

“Bri, what do you want to do?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Alex.” Brian answered with a toneless and cold voice.

“Yes, it matters.” AJ bickered. “You’re hurting.”

“Really? And how you would know? You don’t know what I’m feeling right now so stop pretending to do!” Brian screamed, turning on his heels and storming out the living room to the bedroom.

“You’re right. I don’t know.” AJ replied, keeping his anger on a low level and following Brian. “So, tell me. You can’t hold it, it will only kill you. I’m here to help you, if you let me.”

“You really want to know what I want? I just want to scream ‘till I have no voice, I wanna break something and punch ‘till my hands bleed... most I just wanna crawl back to bed and hide forever! That’s what I want but you and me both know that I can’t do it! We have a tour to do and... people expect me to be the happy and the goofy one! Nobody expect me to be the moody one and if someone saw me right now, he would ask question and then... then everybody will know and I can’t... I can’t let it happen!”

Shame filled Brian, made his skin turned pale as he thought about it... he could feel the hands upon his skin, travelling up and down his arms before going... Through the tears, Brian could only choke back the screams. He knew what would happen if he spoke, if he let all the anguish out in the open. Alex would disappear in a blink and he didn’t want that to happen, he needed someone. “I can’t, Alex. I can’t let you know...” with that, he just slumped over the floor, every ounce of energy left had disappeared under the weight of his sorrow.

Tears started to pour down and every drop held the same amount of shame, pain, hatred and fears; soon, his whole body was wrecking with every tortured sob and Brian curled up tightly, wanting only to find a place where the pain would be numbed. Such a illusion...

He felt someone trying to hug him but he fought back, even if it was a weak struggle. So he surrendered, letting whoever was trying hold him.

“Please... Bri, let me help you.” The pleading voice came through his barricades, fighting his way above his cries. AJ was crying too, how couldn’t he when he was a witness of an agony and torture beyond belief? His own heart was breaking down with every sob erupted by the tiny man curled up in his arms, the man that has been his rock during his addiction and the recovery, the man he looked up every time he felt there was nowhere to run from his problems and demons. Now, the roles were reversed and AJ didn’t know if he was strong enough to mend the shattered man he loved so deeply.

But he would be damned if he let Brian alone, with no one to turn to and lost in his web of fear, panic and hurt.

Brian heard that, heard the love in that voice... oh, how much he wanted to give in, there was an image of safeness so appealing, it kept invading his mind with the promise of numbness. But he couldn’t handle it, there was so much inside his mind that his unconsciousness decided to retreat in a place where nobody could hurt him, where he couldn’t contaminate anyone.

“Nobody can.” Brian in a hoarse voice. “Not even you.”

And above the cries, above all, the silence after those words was louder that thousands words of comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable4.html


	5. Fourth Chapter

Fourth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silence was overwhelming the two people in that room, only the quiet and random cries coming from one of them broke that unnatural lack of sounds. Brian was numb, everything had flown by with the rivers of tears. He didn’t feel anything more than the aches for having screamed and yelled.

“Alex.” he rasped out, too ashamed to look at Aj. How many times did he have to break down in front of him? That wasn’t him, he hadn’t let anyone see him weak even when he had his heart surgery so why now he couldn’t stop the tears?

He had to be alone, he needed to be sure than nothing more would leak from him.

But before he could bring up his request, Aj handed him a glass full of water. He gladly accepted it, the cold feeling smoothed the burning sensation of his throat which led him to wonder how in the hell he would be able to sing that night.

The concert.

No, no, no, he couldn’t do it! Too much people, too much noises and... and what if he would be there? Brian could remember clearly his last words, that threat to come back for more. What if he stayed true to his words?

“I’m telling Kevin that you’re still sick, Brian. Don’t worry about the concert, okay?”

“We can’t cancel it.”

“Why not?” Aj asked puzzled. Sure, they did it only in case of emergency and everyone would declare that as an emergency if they only saw Brian for two seconds. Plus, Brian had always been the more vocal about canceling a concert when one of the guys was sick.

“If you say to Kevin that I’m still sick, he will want a doctor to check me over, you know how he is with me.”

“Maybe seeing a doctor is a good idea.”

Yes, it would have been a great idea if it wasn’t for the terror that lightened up Brian’s eyes. “No! No... he would ask question! I can’t tell! Please, don’t tell Kevin!”

“Okay, okay. – Aj said in a soothing way, trying to reach for Brian but he flinched at the mere sight of the hand reaching over so he just stayed there where he was. – I’ll tell him that I’ve got your food poisoning and I’m doing a perfect exorcist’s girl impression, which the fans wouldn’t be glad to watch.”

A small smile made its way through the tears of fears. “Definitely not.”

“So, what you want to do now?”

“Can... can I be alone?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Please, Alex. I need to be alone and I promise you I’m not gonna do anything drastic.”

But Aj was still unsure. He didn’t like the idea of Brian all alone, not after what he had been through and after having break up with Nick.

What if he woke up with another nightmare?  

There would be no one comforting him and what if he was hurt more than he was letting on?

“I’m not a child, I can be alone.”

“Could be fooled by your antics, Rok.”

“You’re only jealous that you can’t be as funny as me.”

“Oh yes, keep thinking that!”

Brian’s gaze softened. “I really need to be alone, Alex. Can you understand why?”

Aj nodded. “I can but it doesn’t mean I’m happy with it.”

“Thanks. – said Brian. – I know right now I’m not the easiest person to deal with so...”

“Aj didn’t let him finish, Typical of Brian to attempt an excuse for his behavior after being raped. “Don’t ever say another words, okay? It’s perfectly fine and you’re the last person who can pissed me off. Just remember who is the diva in the group!”

Brian looked at him sheepishly. “Nick?”

Aj grinned back at him. “Nah, he just got PM’S now and then.”

A sense of laughter tickled the back of Brian’s throat but he shoved back where it was born: it didn’t seem right to laugh in a moment like that, making it like nothing had happened at all.

So, he bowed down his head, shame was surely coloring his face in a deep red, but he couldn’t force himself to look at Aj.

“Can you go, please?” he pleaded, sounding too desperate for his own pleasure but he needed to be alone, to have some kind of control over something that had shattered his own world..

“Okay. – agreed Aj in a soft voice. – But if you need something, just call me, okay? I’m in the room never used.”

Brian nodded and didn’t realizing he was holding a breath until he heard the door locking closed behind Aj.

Mixed feeling hit Brian almost immediately: relief of finally being left alone and the fear of being alone. It was strange ‘cause they were so in contrast with each other but he couldn’t help it.

Aj had been by his side from the moment he was found in that dirty bathroom back in the club. He had listened to his rants, his screaming but not once he made him feel ashamed by those. On the contrary, he wanted him to let go of everything that he was holding but that was something impossible to do.

Dropping his weights on Aj’s shoulder was so tempting but at the same time it was a cruel thing to do. 

And, maybe, he was being selfish: he thought that Aj would still by his side as long as he wouldn’t know the details, how much dark his soul was becoming.

Still, having Aj there had been a relief: he didn’t have to think about anything, Aj was there to take care of everything. When he didn’t want to talk to Nick, he had answered his phone first and then turning off all the mobiles, understanding that he didn’t want to talk to nobody but him. He had offered to cover him from Kevin but Brian knew that he couldn’t keep asking that to Aj.

But he felt at loss because he didn’t know what to do with himself: he was great in taking care of others but himself? He had always brushed off any sickness or injuries as long as he could without being noticed. Then, when he had to admit that he was sick, he always found a goal to fight every obstacles: cold or fever meant concerts or registrations to be cancelled; when he had his surgery, he tried to recover as quick as he could so they wouldn’t miss too much dates when they were finally getting famous in the States.

But there... there wasn’t nothing he could grasp to hold on, no purpose to recover in the small time possible.

Hell, he didn’t even check his injuries!

Still it wasn’t the physical ones he was scared and terrified of.

He cleared his head, knowing that if he went deeper in his thoughts he will probably pay visit to the porcelain once again.

He had to do something, anything more than just sitting in the middle of an hotel room doing absolutely nothing.

First, he had to see if there were any injuries. Last night he just took a shower and then hurried to put on his clothes without throwing a glance in the mirror. Same with the one he took some hours ago, where he just thought about the right words to say while breaking up with Nick and gathering strength and courage to do that.. 

But now... now he had to see so he could come up with good reasons if someone of the guys noticed a strange bruise over his body and asked him about it.

Gladly to have a plan and something to do, even if he wasn’t that thrilled, Brian stood up, wincing as aching made themselves noticed. Slowly he made his way to the bathroom; when he was sure the door was closed, he took off the sweater and the shirt he was wearing.

For a long moment he didn’t look at the mirror, fear of what was waiting for him held him frozen in his spot, his eyes locked on the tiles of the floor. Suddenly, he was afraid.

A part of his mind knew that he was going to see evident evidences on his body, for it wouldn’t hurt so bad making certain movements. That was what scared him: evidences would make everything so damn much real. If he didn’t see, he could keep going on like nothing was going on, like he had just tripped himself and landed badly.

No, he had to face it, no matter what.

He had to admit to himself that he had been raped, that was the first step he have to take if he want to recover.

Taking a deep breath, he raised up his face to look at the mirror but the man staring back wasn’t him.

Not anymore. 

His blonde hair all tangled up but he hadn’t the strength to pick up the hairbrush to brush them; a dull grey was all the color left in his eyes, a darkness that threatened to overcome his frail barriers, those walls he was trying so hard to built in order to defend the others.

But the focus of his stare wasn’t his face, how pale he was or the black circles beneath his eyes, telling the world how much he had managed to sleep in those days. No, his attention was focused on the signs he still bore on his body, memories of the attack that ruined him were there, plain and visible, mocking him every time he forced himself to forget: a dark purple bruise across his stomach reminded him the punches that man threw at him when he had tried to fight back. Without having any control, his fingers travelled that bruised part and angry fireworks of pain made their way through the haziness surrounded his brain.

Two fingertip’s traces of an angry purple marked his neck, bringing up the memories of those hands around it, trying to choke him in attempt to get what the man wanted. Maybe that was the reason why his throat still hurt... gosh, what if he had damaged his vocal cords? His voice was the reason why he was in the group! Singing was his whole life!

Forcing down the sobs, his gaze travelled down past his stomach but froze when he saw dark black bruises on both his hips, places where hands had gripped him while that man was forcing his way inside him.

It was real.

He had been raped.

He knew it deep inside but had tried so hard to convinced himself that it was all a bad dream. It wasn’t, his nightmare was very real and he didn’t know what to do to escape from it.

What was he supposed to react?

He didn’t know, he didn’t want to know how to act in a situation like that!

A million thoughts were running wild inside his brain; Brian tried to grasp at least one but every time he was close, they slipped through his fingers, leaving him without a direction.

He went in autopilot, getting back the sweater that would hide the bruises on his neck and then went back in the room, too bright and too exposed. He just closed off the curtain and then climbed into the bed, curling himself around the blanket.

He was cold, shivers and trembles were running down his entire body but he was too tired to get up and grab another blanket. Mostly because he knew that it wasn’t freezing in the room.

Tears surprisingly didn’t come. 

Instead, Brian found himself praying.

He prayed for an answer to all his questions. Why did it happened to him? Why that man chose him in a club full of other men? What he had done to that man to be treated like a toy?

He prayed for someone to come and take away those feelings of shame and disgust. But no one would come, he had pushed away everyone because that was what he deserved. He had been weak, he hadn’t be able to defend himself, what kind of man he was?

In a part of his mind, the voice of Aj telling him to call if he need was so tempting but the others one were so loud that it was muffled over, a whisper, only a flickering candle in an ocean of darkness.

So Brian laid there, his eyes open wide in the dark, knowing that sleep wouldn’t come to save him.

No one could. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_______________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was night but Aj didn’t want to go to sleep. Truth was that he didn’t know if he could get to bed, worry was like a drug pumping in his system and it was the only thing his mind could go around. Worrying about Brian, worrying about him all alone in a room in that state of mind.

But, at least for now, Brian didn’t want anyone to help him and that was something Aj couldn’t push him into. Having control of his decisions and his life was the most important thing right now for Brian, after having been stripped away by that man.

Though, this didn’t help him to calm down.

He knew those moments, moments where all your senses were focused on your own pain, days when you feel like no one could understand what you’re going through and all that you wanted to do is just forget, being numb ‘cause even thinking brought you pain.

He didn’t want, no, he wouldn’t allow Brian to fall in the same hole he had fallen once.

He didn’t know what to do so he just stayed there in his room, not really his room since Brian was there and he got a the one always used only to avoid gossip, and paced back and forth, trying to fight the urge to go in that room.

What harm would do if he just went there to see if everything was alright? If Brian was alright?

Nothing, he would do no more harm than what had already done.

And, really, Brian didn’t want to be alone. He had seen his reluctance clearly in his eyes while he was telling him to go back in his room.

So he made up his mind. He would go over with some excuses, like he had forgotten his bathroom bag or something along the way. 

He was about to grab his keycard when someone knocked on his door. Aj looked at his clock, who the hell would come at 3 o’clock in the morning? A tiny voice told him that it could be Brian and that thought alone was what drove him to hurry up and open the door.

It wasn’t Brian and for his amazement it was Nick who stood there on his doorstep.

“Nick?”

“Sorry for the hour but... I just wanted to say sorry for the way I behaved today. Mind if I come in?” The desperate tone was what made Aj opened more the door and let his friend in.

Nick walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I know it sounds strange to you but I didn’t mean to jump on you nor that I thought that you and Brian were having an affair behind my back.”

Aj placed a chair in front of Nick and sat down on it. “The why you’d accuse him?”

“I was afraid. I knew that something was going on, even when we fought Brian never refused to answer my calls. I never expected Brian to break up with me.”

“Uh. I’m sorry for that.”

“Thanks. Even though it was only matter of time.”

Aj arched his eyebrows, suddenly confused about Nick’s words. “But you’ve just said...”

“I know. ‘Cause I’ve always thought I would have been the one breaking up.”

“Why? You don’t love him?”

“I will always love him, Jay. He’s my best friend, hell, he’s the only one who really knows me! But... that’s it. I can’t lose his friendship and this thing we had was going to ruin it. Brian was right, you know?”

Aj recalled the conversation him and Brian had before... it. “About the sex part?”

Nick nodded, part of his shame showing up on his face. “At first, it was something good for both of us. Brian wanted to start acting his feelings and you know that he would never gone out to find some men in clubs. And I... I was fed up with people just wanting me for my money or the fame. I thought I was ready for a steady relationship, you know? And for Brian... for Brian I would have waited.”

“What changed?”

“Brian was never in love with me, that’s why he kept calling off every time I tried to go deeper. He’s the kind that want their first time to be with their one. He’s still on the old style.”

The information was like a punch in the stomach. Gosh. Now, Brian would have always remember his first time like something that nearly destroyed him.

Nick noticed the way Aj paled and that reaction only confirmed his suspicions: something very bad had happened to Brian, that was the reason why he broke up with him with those reasons like wanting to protect him.

But right now he couldn’t do anything for his friend. Asking him was out of the way and Aj would never betrayed Brian, that was why he had come to his friend, making sure that there would be someone who could help Brian with whatever he was going through.

And Aj... Aj was perfect, not a lot of people would have thought Aj being a caring one, the kind of people loved to take care someone he loved. In a way, him and Brian were a lot alike but the difference was that the first was able to take care of himself, especially after going into rehab and learned in the hardest way that you have to love yourself to be able to love someone else.

He knew how Brian’s mind worked, that was why he wasn’t too surprise about the ending of their story: in a way, he was still a child and he would be for a long time; Brian had been his... everything: his best friend, his big brother, sometimes he was his father. At the end, he had been his lover but only because they exchanged kisses and touches and called each other pet names.

And while this relationship had been perfect for Nick, it wasn’t fair for Brian. 

“It’s not easy to be with Brian, especially if you grown up thinking that he was some superhero. – Nick smiled. – He needs someone who can put up with him, be equal and with me... I’ll always been the dependent one ‘cause I’m used to Brian taking care of me.”

“I still don’t understand what are you trying to say.”

Nick didn’t answer right away. He just locked his eyes with Aj’s, looking with a stern gaze that held Aj on his spot. A part of him already knew what Nick was about to say but it was still a shock when those words flew out from Nick’s lips. “Because he loves you.”

Laughter was the first think Aj wanted to do, it looked like a bad joke ‘cause nowhere in reality a thing like that could happen!

“I’m not joking, although Brian still has to realize it.”

“How did you guess?”

“Just a feeling. He cares for you, you haven’t see how he was all worked up when you were in rehab. Or no one noticed the way sometimes he just stares at you when you or me aren’t looking. But being with me is a safer ground cause he knows how to act, he knows his role and he knew what to expect from me. But... it isn’t right. Brian deserved someone who can lean on, someone who can he trusts when he can’t be strong enough. He hides a lot, Jay. He hides when he isn’t feeling well, he hides when he has a problem cause he has this twisted idea that his problems aren’t that big to burden someone else with it.”

“Why are you telling all of this now?”

"Something happened last night. I don’t know what and I know you won’t tell me and... it’s okay, for now. But you’re the only one who can help him.”

Aj didn’t say anything, just watched Nick as he got up and walked to the door. Suddenly he stopped and turned around, looking at Aj with a serious gaze that Aj didn’t know Nick could master. “Please, look after him, okay? I’ve already lost my lover, I don’t want to lose my best friend too.”

With those last words, Nick walked out the room, leaving a shocked Aj thinking over everything that Nick had said to him.

Still, he knew now more than before that he had to help Brian.

 

 

 

 

______________________________

 

 

 

 

 

Night had come and gone before Aj could manage to get a decent amount to sleep. After Nick walked out the room, Aj had gone out on the balcony to smoke feeling his nerves all jumpy with all the new information Nick had given him about Brian.

He didn’t know how but he was going to help Brian, no matter how many times he was going to be pushed away. Hell, he had pushed away Brian so many times when he was trying to help him with his problems, those nights where he would come back to the hotel completely drunken and Brian was there waiting for him.

First, he would make sure Brian would eat something: he doubt he had eaten little the day before and while he didn’t know how to heal the mental issues, he could try to heal the physical one first.

With this thought in mind, Aj picked up the phone and called the reception, ordering what he recalled been Brian’s favorite breakfast: black coffee with a little bit of cream, pancakes and orange juice. While he waited, he went and took a shower, the cold water made some kind of miracle and made him feel alive and awake. He was changing in a simple pair of black jeans and a shirt when someone knocked at the door, reveling that his breakfast had arrived. After thanking the guy and leaving him a little tip, Aj picked up the tray and walked over Brian’s room.

He knocked once but received no answer. Willing down his panic, he knocked once again, telling himself that maybe Brian was still sleeping, which was a good thing. But, after the fourth time he received no answer, he was start quite panicking so, balancing the tray on one hand, he retrieved the key card he kept in his pocket and let himself in the room.

Darkness swallowed him as soon as he set foot in, even though he was already morning and the sun had been shining for a quite while. But even the tiniest yet strongest ray couldn’t made his way through the heavy curtains pulled closed.

“Brian?” he called while trying to get closer to the bed without tripping over something.

An itching breathing was the only answer he got, letting him know that Brian had sensed his presence but didn’t recognize the voice that had spoken.

Reassured him, that what he had to do before everything.

“Bri? I’m Aj, you don’t have to be scared, okay? - he said, placing down the tray on what he thought was one of the bedside table. – Do you mind if I open up the curtain? I’m already clumsy when the sun is shining, you don’t want to see what I can do if I walk around in the total blackness!”

On a normal day, he would have expected back a reply, a joke or just a laughter from Brian. Not that morning, even though he managed to calm down Brian’s breathing to a normal level.

Still rambling around about silly things, Aj pulled open the curtains, letting the sun shone through the darkness.

Nothing could have prepared him for the sight that was waiting for him when he turned back to the bed: Brian was sitting in the centre, looking so small and so like a child curled up in himself, his face facing the windows but so unfocused that Aj doubted that he was aware of his presence. Never he had seen Brian so broken and that sight made his heart break a little under the weight of the emptiness he saw in those blue eyes.

He wanted no more than take Brian in his arms and reassure him that everything would be alright but he knew he couldn’t do that, still unsure how much comfortable Brian was with being touched suddenly.

So he just walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping his distance from the curled up man.

Being so close, now he could see that sleep wasn’t something Brian had done that night: his eyes were all swollen and red rimmed, the only color in contrast with the paleness of his face.

Leaving him alone had been such a bad idea.

“Bri, you okay? ‘Cause you’re quite scaring me here.”

Those words seemed to wake up Brian, his eyes finally looking towards Aj.

“I’m okay.” It was a barely whispered reply, the voice so raspy that even Brian didn’t recognize it.

He didn’t want to talk ‘cause talking meant that he had to think and that was a very bad idea: thinking about why he was all alone in a room that wasn’t the one he shared with Nick, thinking about the reason why he had broke up with Nick. And then everything would come back again, those images he wanted so bad to forget but still waited for him every time he closed his eyes. His voice still haunting him, no matter how loud he screamed to muffle over that words. Maybe that’s why his voice is hoarse and his throat hurt whenever he swallow.

In that moment, Aj realized and fully understood what Nick told him the previous night.

He hides because he doesn’t want to be a burden.

Just like he was doing now: wanting to be alone, pushing away the only one who knew what happened to him and still wanted to stay around and help him.

“Brian, you are not okay.”

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “I guess.”

“Have you slept a little?” Aj asked, knowing it was a rhetorical question but it would keep Brian speaking.

“No.” Brian answered. It was pointless to lie about it since Aj could probably see how much he hadn’t sleep.

He had tried to sleep but he couldn’t seem to shake away the nightmares, no matter how tired he was. After the third nightmare in a matter of minutes, he gave up and just laid there with his eyes open, his senses alerted for any strange and unknown noises. 

“You should have called me.”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Brian, you aren’t a bother, okay? You’re my friend and it’s okay to ask help when you need it.”

“I don’t need it.”

“Bullshit. -  Aj hoped for a reaction, any kind, but Brian still looked like he didn’t give a damn about what he was feeling. – I’ve brought you breakfast. Your favorite: coffee, pancakes and orange juice. I know you aren’t particularly hungry but you’ve gotta eat something.”

Something peaked up Brian, a little light in those dull eyes gave a little hope to Aj.

Maybe not everything was lost.

“I never drink orange juice, Aj.”

Aj looked at him confused. “Really? But... I’ve always seen you with a glass of it!”

“Nick always forget and he loves it. So I just pick up one and he steals it from me. – Brian explained. – But I appreciate the thought.”

Aj, speechless, just handed him the cup with the coffee. “You still drink coffee, right?”

A little smile forced his way on Brian’s face. “Yes. But totally black and with no sugar.” Replied, noticing that the one he had now was mixed with cream.

“Let me guess: Nick pretends to not like it but then steals yours?”

Brian nodded. “Yes. It’s nothing big, I didn’t mind doing for him.”

“Next time tell me what you want and I’ll get it, okay?”

“It’s okay, Alex. Whatever you get it it’s going to okay.” Replied Brian, shifting a little to find a better position. But, as he was doing that, a sharp pain starting from his back shook him and he wasn’t fast to mask it.

“What’s wrong?” asked Aj, his voice full of concern. Damn, maybe he would have forced Brian to go to the hospital to be checked. Who knew what real damage that bastard had done to him and certainly he wasn’t gentle when pinned Brian to... Aj shook his head, trying to clear his mind from those thoughts. He couldn’t let himself think about that, anger was already starting to rise above and this was something Brian didn’t need. In his twisted mind, Brian would have tried to calm him and then worry about him being so worked up that he might try to seek relief in alcohol, forgetting in that way that he should focus only on himself and nothing else.

“It’s... it’s nothing.” Answered Brian, clutching the sheets between his knuckles as he tried to fight the waves of pain.

“Right. Can’t be fooled by your straight face. What’s wrong?”

“My back. – Brian said with a shaky breath. He didn’t know why but he couldn’t seem to be able to lie with Aj, something in his voice or in the way he looked at him broke down every little walls he had built up over the years. Or maybe... It was just that for the first time someone was really concerned about him – He... he slammed me against the wall.” He added then, a sudden tremor as those image hit him like a strike. He was doing good, even if it was for a minute, it was like nothing had happened, just him and Nick breaking up and Aj comforting him.

Oh, if it was that simple!

“Bri, how bad is it?”

“I don’t know. I don’t have eyes behind my head, you know.”

“Good to see your humor back. – Aj joked. – Still, how much does it hurt? You can have pulled a muscle...”

“I don’t know. Right now, it just hurt like hell.”

“Can I look at it, please?” Aj regretted his question as soon as his saw Brian paled more than he was before, panic setting in. But he had to be sure that it was only a bruise, even though Brian was so clumsy that he was probably used to bruises.

But this wasn’t a result from a jump or a fall off the stairs.

“No... no! No, you can’t!”

He couldn’t bear to be touched, no matter how many times he repeated to himself that in front of him there was a friend and not the man that hurt him so bad.

“Bri, I’m not gonna hurt you, okay?”

Brian shook his head, trying to keep in mind that it was only Aj and nothing will happen but, really, he couldn’t. It wasn’t the fact that he thought Aj could harm him, no worse than he already was, but the mere thought of being touched was making his head spinning like crazy while panic was trying to win him over.

“You can’t touch me, please.” He pleaded, only realizing that he was crying when he felt the salty taste of tears landing on his lips. Still, he could only focus on getting enough air in his lungs, knowing that he was going in a full blown but couldn’t do anything to prevent it.

Aj couldn’t touch him, not when he was so contaminated.

It was a feeling that would never leave him, the feeling of those hands all over his body, unwanted caress that made him sick even though it was only on his mind. The smell, he could vividly remember the smell of alcohol coming from the man while was kissing him and probing him and gosh, he just wanted to forget!

Aj’s voice was only a whisper in his ear, words like that he wasn’t going to hurt him and Brian wanted to scream at him that he knew that and... that wasn’t the problem. How couldn’t he see how dirty he was?

“I’m dirty... so dirty...”

Walls seemed to close on him, making harder and harder to focus on his breathing. He had to get away, he had to protect Aj just like had done with Nick. They didn’t need him, they didn’t need to know what that man had done to him.

Get away.

He had to get away from there, get away from Aj and from that hands that seemed everywhere.

The pain in his back was long forgotten. With strength he didn’t know he still had, Brian jumped off from the bed and locked himself in the bathroom, wasting no time to reach the toilet and empting the few sips of coffee he had managed to drink.

Nothing more than dry heaving, but still he kept lurching in the toilet, wishing for someone to make it stop but still scared that it might require being touched.

When finally his stomach seemed to be satisfied and stable enough, Brian just crawled over the shower and let the warm and too hot water washing over him, even though he was still clothed. He didn’t care, sank on the floor, knees against his chest while quite as angry tears got mixed up with the water. 

Back in the bedroom, Aj stayed there on the bed, too shocked to think something or do something.

A simple request had made Brian so freaked out.

Still in his ears he could hear those broken words, Brian repeating over and over that he was dirty and it made his heart break. 

Right there, he felt in his insides mixed feelings: he felt helpless, clueless in what he could do to help Brian recover. How could he do that when Brian didn’t even want to be touched?

Still, no matter how useless he was feeling, Aj felt something more forceful slowing growing in him.

It was a fierce determination.

He wouldn’t give up, that was for sure.

He would help bring back Brian from the dark hole he was burying himself, even if it was the last thing he would ever do for the man he loved.

Not only because Nick asked him to.

No.

Because that was what lovers do, help each other in times of need. Brian helped him before, he was alive because of him, and now it was his turn to be the strong one.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable5.html


	6. Fifth Chapter

Fifth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For a while AJ simply sat there, trying to think of what he could do. Something, anything, that might help. He couldn’t just get up and leave. Brian needed him right now, whether he was ready to admit it or not. At first he had simply thought that Brian was scared of being hurt again, of being touched. 

But Brian’s words played back over in his mind, the way that he’d said he was dirty over and over. That struck a chord deep inside of AJ in a part of him he had never shared with a soul. A part of himself that had taken a long time to heal from. God, he knew what it was to feel dirty. To feel like, no matter how many times you showered, you would never really be clean again. Or to feel that part of that would rub off of you if you let someone you cared about touch you. How could he not have seen this in Brian? How had he been so stupid as to not recognize it before this?

Cautiously, AJ climbed from bed. He wasn’t quite sure what the right thing to do here was, so he simply followed his instincts. 

The shower had stopped by then, but Brian still hadn’t emerged from the bathroom. AJ walked over there and stopped by the door. He didn’t touch the handle, didn’t knock. In a soft voice he called “Brian?” No answer. “Brian, I’m sorry I scared you. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. I promise. Can we talk?” 

A soft sniffle sounded from the other side of the door, but nothing else. No movement; nothing. Softly, AJ sighed. Then he put his back to the door and slid down to the ground. He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at the wall opposite him as he tried to figure out what to do or what to say. 

Again, he let instinct take over. “I know that right now you feel so much, Brian. There are so many things fighting inside of you. Fear, pain, anger. Shame. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel them because you have every right to your emotions. No one can tell you what to feel or how to feel. No one can say you shouldn’t feel that way, because you do, and it’s your right to do so.” 

Taking a deep breath, AJ prepared to say things that he had never before been able to say out loud. “I just want you to know that I’m here for you. That I can understand, even just a little, what it’s like to feel that way. To feel dirty and used. Ashamed of what’s happened. I was never raped…” Oh, how he hated saying that word. How he hated thinking that something that vile had been done to Brian “…but a part of me still understands.” 

There was a soft sound on the other side of the door. AJ hesitated only for a second, trying to judge what it was. He realized it was the sound of Brian scooting closer. Still no other sound, but that had to mean he was listening, right? AJ held on to that and kept talking, trying to keep his voice low and soothing. 

“I’ve never told anybody about this because I was ashamed of it. So believe me when I say I understand the shame.” Willingly, AJ delved into that part of him that still hurt sometimes. If it would help Brian, then he was willing to expose his own personal pain without a single hesitation. “When I was heavy in drinking and drugs, you know the kind of person I was. How I could act when I wanted a fix. There were plenty of times that a man or a woman would have what I needed, but money wasn’t quite good enough for it. They wanted a little more.” 

There was another shuffling sound that said that Brian had come even closer. Bolstered, AJ kept going.

 

“I slept with them, without even caring. It was mechanical. Just something to do to get the fix I needed. There were a few people in a few towns that knew that and didn’t even bother charging me money for it. They just wanted to be able to say they’d fucked AJ Mclean. I let them do it, Brian. That’s the difference in you and me here. I let them.” 

AJ laid his head back against the door and closed his eyes. “I fucked so many people. Men, women, it didn’t matter. They didn’t matter. I was little better than a whore, screwing for drugs instead of cash. Hell, there were nights I’d get so blitzed that I’d wake up in the morning, not remembering a damn thing I’d done, and find myself in bed with one or more people.” 

Still, no sound came from the bathroom. But AJ knew he was being heard. His words were being listened to. 

“It took me a damn long time to find peace with myself for that.  To come to grips with the fact that that wasn’t me. When I first came back, I imagine you guys noticed how little I touched. How much I didn’t want to be touched. You guys assumed I was just raw from detoxing. That wasn’t it. I felt like a dirty, disgusting person. Like if I let you guys touch me, who I was might rub off on you.” 

AJ almost fell over when the door opened. Just barely he managed to catch himself, staying balanced as he was. He didn’t turn around. Didn’t think that it would be smart. He wanted to let Brian come to him. 

“Will…” Brian’s voice was hesitant. His swallow was audible. “Will it ever go away?” 

“Eventually.” AJ answered honestly. “It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does start to ease after a while. You also learn that no amount of showers will ever make you feel clean enough. You find out it’s all up here…” AJ tapped the side of his head. “…and no shower ever cleans that.” 

The silence stretched over them for a moment. AJ didn’t say anything, knowing that now was the time to be silent. But, eventually, Brian did break that silence. “I’m sorry I ran off.” He whispered. 

“I understand.” AJ said easily. He had to work to keep his voice even. Maybe, if he made a point of staying calm, it might help Brian to stay calm. “I should have thought about it before and realized that you felt that way.” 

They stayed silent for another moment longer. AJ could practically feel Brian’s quivers behind him. Everything in him ached to take the man into his arms and hold him until his pain was gone. But that would be the worst possible thing to do. Any touch on his part would only scare Brian more. Any touching, right at this moment, would have to come from Brian, or with Brian’s permission. 

It surprised him when Brian spoke again. AJ had become so lost in thought that the sound of Brian’s voice seemed louder than normal. “What happened with you…it wasn’t your fault, Alex. You weren’t yourself at the time. The drugs and alcohol made you into someone different. What you did then wasn’t your fault.” 

AJ felt like his heart was overflowing. Who else in the world but Brian would sit there and try to reassure another person when it was them who needed the reassurance and love? “You really believe that?” He asked Brian quietly. 

“I do.” Brian whispered back. “The real you wouldn’t have done that. Maybe it wasn’t a physical r-rape, but it was a spiritual one. It wasn’t your fault.” 

For the first time since Brian had opened the door, AJ turned his head and looked Brian straight in the eyes. Purposely he looked nowhere but into Brian’s bright blue eyes, still wet with tears. “If you can see that, then why can’t you see that it wasn’t your fault either? You did say no, Brian. You fought.” 

“Because if it isn’t my fault, then it doesn’t make sense.” The words were tore from deep inside Brian and fairly quivered with his pain. “If it doesn’t make sense then there’s no reason and there has to be a reason. Something made this guy do this.” 

This was the most that Brian had opened up about all of this and AJ was terrified of saying or doing something to scare him away again. Now that they were looking at one another, AJ knew he couldn’t look away without breaking the moment. So he shifted, pressing his back into the doorframe. It took great effort but he kept his eyes only on Brian’s face, looking nowhere else on him. “Does that something have to be you?” AJ asked him. “Sometimes there are things and people in life that we just don’t understand. But that doesn’t mean that we have to take their faults on as our own.” 

A weak chuckle slipped past Brian’s lips. Turning his head away for a second, he wiped at his cheeks. “When did you get to be so wise?” he teased lightly. 

AJ let his grin spread over his face. He held one finger aloft. “Ah, young grasshopper, when you have passed my tests, only then shall I tell you the great secrets of the universe.” 

“Nerd.” Brian shook his head as he chuckled again. The tension between them was nicely broken for that moment. But AJ actually saw the relaxation leave Brian; saw the muscles in his body snap taunt. “AJ?” 

“Yeah?” 

“How….how did you know I said no? How did you know I fought?” 

Curious, AJ quirked his head. “I assumed, I guess. I don’t see you being the type to just stand there and let it happen. You’re stronger than that.” AJ shrugged, looking down at his lap as he fiddled with his shirt.  Because he wasn’t looking, he didn’t see how his words made Brian feel. He didn’t see the way that Brian’s eyes went wide with surprise. There was no way he could know that his simple statement made Brian sit a little straighter, finding just a tiny bit more strength inside. That his announcement of Brian’s strength actually gave Brian a small amount of that strength back to him. 

Using that strength, Brian said the one thing that surprised the both of them. “You…you can look. Make sure everything is ok. But don’t…don’t touch.” 

There was no need to ask what he was talking about. AJ lifted his eyes again. “I will not touch you without your permission.” He promised. For the first time he noticed that Brian was dressed only in sweats and a robe. His curls were damp, hanging down around his face. 

Tight as a bowstring, Brian turned his back towards AJ. He seemed to be shaking as he grabbed hold of the front of his robe and slowly started to slide it off his shoulders. AJ could see how much this took out of him to do. How scared and humiliated it made him feel. God, how he wished that he could tell Brian to stop, that he didn’t have to do this. But he knew they needed to. They needed to see how bad Brian was really hurt. 

When Brian finally got the back of the robe down around his waist, AJ let his gaze slide downwards. Nausea boiled up inside of him only to be ruthlessly shoved back down. There were no open wounds, thank God. No blood. But against Brian’s left shoulder blade was a deep set bruise that made AJ wince with sympathy. Most likely that one pained him simply by moving that arm. 

There was another lower down, on the right side, on the back of his ribs. That was probably the one that hurt him when he shifted on the bed earlier. Whatever had been on the wall that he’d been shoved against had left some pretty good marks. AJ also could see marks on Brian’s upper arms that looked like they could be handprints. Most likely where the man had grabbed him to slam him backwards. 

Anger was like a poison in AJ’s system, threatening to take him under. It took every ounce of control he had not to rush up out of there and hunt down the bastard who had dared to hurt Brian. The only thing that kept AJ in place was the knowledge that it would hurt Brian right now if he up and left. 

So when he had his temper under control and could be sure his voice was calm, AJ spoke. “There’s a pretty dark one on your shoulder blade. Another on the back of your ribs. You’ll have to take it easy moving for a while, especially if that one bruised your ribs themselves. Those can take a while to heal.” 

“Gee thanks, Age. Never would have figured that out on my own.” Brian fell back on teasing has he hurriedly pulled his robe back up. 

Because Brian was expecting it, AJ flashed him a grin when he turned around. “I know, that’s why I told you.” He said cheekily. “Now that we’re done with that, though, why don’t you go finish whatever’s left of breakfast. I gotta pop in here and take a piss anyways.” 

That made Brian laugh, which had been AJ’s goal. Try to relax him after putting him through stress. “Thanks for the info, J.” Brian said, slowly rising to his feet. AJ gestured him past and waited until after Brian had stepped over him before he stood up as well. Pausing in the doorway, AJ gave another quicksilver grin. “Anytime, Bri! Anytime!” he called before shutting the door. 

Once the door was shut, AJ leaned back against it and closed his eyes. He needed a minute to be able to calm himself and to think. What the hell was he going to do? How on earth was he going to help Brian not only heal on the outside, but on the inside as well? 

First things first, they needed to make sure physical needs were taken care of. As for the mental and emotional ones, they’d taken a small step here today, talking the way they had. AJ sighed. It was going to be a long road to recovery, but he was going to stand by Brian until the very end of it, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable6.html


	7. Sixth Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable7.html

Sixth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian looked his pancake like it was his worst enemy in the entire world. And sure it felt like it was, since at the mere sight of it, his stomach had begun to feel like it was on a rollercoaster. So he pushed away the plate and sat down on his bed, wondering what he should do. 

What he was supposed to do. 

Part of him wanted nothing more to hide and let Aj deal with everything and everyone. It was something that allured him so bad, never had he felt like he could lean on someone else and let himself be taken care of. Aj, even in a small part, understood what he was going through and knew that, right in that moment, he was so out of control and not totally himself. Even though knowing what happened, he didn’t run away but he put down his foot and tried to break down some of the walls he had built. 

But the other part of him was pushing him back on his feet. 

It was the same force that had helped him to be back from the surgery only six weeks after and to endure a tour when he should have been resting. He didn’t like when other people took control over him, telling him what he could or not do and, whenever it happened, he had proved them wrong: they said he couldn’t play like the others children because of his illness he would been weak, yet, after only a month, he was battling for a place in the soccer team. The coach of the basket team back in his high school told him that he couldn’t be part of the team because of his shortness, yet he had proved him that it didn’t matter height if you are determined and skilled. 

Was this situation different form the past ones? 

A little voice answered him that yes, it was different. The panic, the images that didn’t leave him alone even when he was alert and awake, that giant void inside him that seemed to grow bigger and bigger... never he had felt like that. 

And that meant that he didn’t know how to deal with. 

Brian brought his knees close to his chest, resting his forehead on them: he needed time and space, both things that he couldn’t have, not without telling the others why he need a break. Why he needed to be alone, even in those times he didn’t really need it. 

Two weeks, fifteen days before their break for a week. Would he be able to keep it up and not freak out? Would he be able to pretend that everything was perfect?  

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a door opening and then closing and, even though he knew it was only Aj, his heartbeat started racing up and he started to sweat, battling the panic. 

He looked up and saw his friend walking around the bed and observing the left over pancake. 

“Don’t look me like that.” Warned Brian before Aj could open his mouth to comment. 

“Like how?” 

“I’m used to that look on Kevin’s face, the one that anticipate a lecture.” 

“I wasn’t going to say anything like that!” 

Brian frowned. “Weren’t you starting to say how I need to eat at least something?”

“It could it be something like that but it wasn’t going to be a lecture!” 

“Kevin always says the same thing and no one believes him.” 

“Are you saying that I’m like Kevin?” 

“No, not at all – replied Brian, a little amused by the situation. Only Aj could make him feel like nothing was going and joke around. – You don’t have his terrible eyebrows. And they would look horrible on your face.” 

“That’s what you get when you try to be all attentive! – Aj protested faking irritation. – I see now and God forbid me to worry about your sudden lack of hunger. If I remember correctly, you and Nick managed to eat a whole double family pizza!” 

“I was young and really, really, immature.” 

“Oh, ‘cause you’re now mature?” 

A pillow against his face was the reply that Aj got it from his joke but, instead of being pissed off, he beamed like he had conquered the highest mountain in the world: making Brian laughed and acting like his old self, even though the smile on his face wasn’t his usual one. 

Still, it was a small step towards the right direction. 

“I’m not gonna be punished ‘cause I haven’t eaten, right?” Brian asked in a childish tone, battling his eyelashes. 

That was normal for him, joking around. And that was what he needed. Feeling like that night didn’t happen, even though there was the pain of his back that kept reminding him why he was hurting or why he wasn’t eating or sleeping. 

Aj sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “No, you’re not in trouble. But you’ve gotta eat something if you want to be in shape for tonight.” 

“I know. It’s just... – Brian looked around him, like the walls could tell him the right words to use to make Aj understand what he was feeling. But how he could do when he still didn’t have all the answers? – .. I’m just not too much hungry.” 

“Okay, okay. So... what do you want to do now?” 

“Alex, you don’t have to stay here with me. I’m sure you have better things to do than staying with me.” 

A small laughter escaped Aj’s lips. “Really? Let’s see: Howie is too much hangover to be coherent, Kevin... hell, only you can really want and like spending time with him!” 

“He’s my cousin.” 

“Yeah, like we didn’t know. Really, Bri, I don’t have a lot to do in my room and the first interview is in the afternoon.” 

“You sure? Cause I don’t...” 

Aj blocked him before he could even finish that line. “If I heard you say that you don’t want to be a burden, I’m gonna kick your ass hard so you will remember it in the future.” 

“Are you bullying me?” 

“No, sir. I’m just setting down some rules. You aren’t a burden, Brian. I’m here because I want to be.” Aj had to restrain himself ‘cause all that he wanted to do was holding his hand, at least. Show him that kind of comfort that couldn’t be conveyed through words. 

“You... you can.” Said Brian slowly, quite surprising himself. 

At first, Aj didn’t know what Brian was talking about but then he followed his gaze onto their hands, so close on the blanket but yet so far away. 

“Are you sure?” 

A trembling nod. “You know what I’m feeling and... you can probably tell that I’m shaking inside but... I can’t be afraid of you, Alex. I shouldn’t feel like that and... you are right. It’s not my skin that it’s dirty, it’s all in my head.” 

Words seemed so right but still Brian couldn’t move his fingers just that little to grasp Aj’s. The itching was starting all over again, trembles were just about to snap him inside that panic routine that had been with him since that night. 

“Don’t push it, Brian. Just because you’ve understood that it’s more mental than physical that doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it over this soon.” 

“I have to.” 

“No, you don’t have to do anything unless it’s thinking about yourself for once. Screw what others people would think if you don’t let them touch you.” 

“I’m not that strong, Alex. I’ve let you down in the past, I can’t do it another time.” 

“Really, Brian, I’m this close to kick your ass another time.” 

“I have this power. - Joked Brian, grinning. – And you have a short temper so it doesn’t count.” 

“But I’ve been there, Brian. I’ve been in your shoes, wanting nothing more than be normal again, feeling like nothing had happened. But problems don’t vanish in the air only because you don’t want to face them. Yes, it’s simpler to just turn your back and go on like they don’t exist. But they always come back and I’ve learned it in the hard way.” 

“I’m not turning away, Jay. I just... I don’t want let him win. He already shattered me but I won’t let him take my life. I won’t let a little incident dictate my life.” 

Aj was a little shocked by the sudden change in Brian’s attitude, especially since just a little while before he had been so lost and broken. 

But now here he was, showing that strength that Aj had always admired and envied, and determined to not crumpling down over something he didn’t have control. Something that he hadn’t yet truly accepted, since he hadn’t still admitted that it hadn’t been attacked or an accident.

 So he chose the right words. “Brian, admitting that you aren’t okay doesn’t mean you’re letting him win. It means that you’re strong enough to face whatever it’s hurting you.”

 

Brian let those words sink in, knowing that held some kind of truth that right now he couldn’t grasp. They just didn’t felt right because, for all his life, he had learned to never shown weakness.

But there was Aj telling him that he had a right to be weak, a right to cry, be angry or just hide from everyone. Whose voice he should listen to?

He didn’t know and, gosh, he was so tired! So suddenly, he felt like his body weighted more than it should. 

“Tell me what to do, then.” He pleaded, a barely audible sounds because even talking required energies he didn’t possess. 

He felt the bed shifting a little and he imagined that Aj had come closer. 

“I don’t have all the answers, even though I would do anything to spare you from all this pain. – whispered Aj. – Maybe now you just have to focus on simple things, like sleeping, eating. Breathing.” 

Sleep now seemed so tempting, the sweet song of a siren waiting only for him. 

“Then... you just have to learn again how to feel a touch without being scared. It isn’t something that came easily and there would be a lot of times when you would be scared, no matter who the person is touching you.” 

“Can I... can I try with you?” Brian asked. 

A lump of different emotions blocked Aj’s response at first, humbled down by the amount of trust Brian was putting in his hands. 

“Of course. – he finally replied. – But you have to let me help you, okay?” 

Silence was the first reply Aj got after his words. The steady breathing made Aj believe that Brian had finally fell asleep, worn out from all the emotional rollercoaster of those last two days. 

He was about to get up and get himself comfortable on the couch when he felt Brian’s hand landing over his, trembling fingers searching others steadier. 

“I don’t know how.”

Aj tightened his grip, a little squeeze to lend some of his strength. “We’ll figure it out. Now sleep.” 

And, for a while, Aj sat there on the bed, guarding over Brian’s sleep and never releasing their hands, knowing that, even though a small ray of light had shown itself, the storm had yet to show its destructive power.


	8. Seventh Chapter

Seventh Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time they had to get up for the interview, AJ had already napped a little himself and woke back up. He was still sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning back against the headboard. Sighing, he rolled his head, trying to ease the stiffness out of his neck and shoulders. That’s what he got for sleeping sitting up like that.

“You’re going to be awfully sore.” 

That sweet southern voice ran over AJ like warm molasses, thick and sweet. Unconsciously everything about AJ softened as he looked down at the bed. Brian was looking up at him with eyes that lacked their usual brightness, but that were also starting to gain back a small measure of their normal strength. 

AJ worried about that a little. He’d always admired Brian’s strength and had been amazed by it. But there were times that it was ok to break down, to lose all control. How to explain that to Brian without coming off sounding silly? If he just let Brian lock it all away and shut it off, then one day it was going to rear up and bite him in the ass. 

With a sigh AJ brought his attention back to the current moment. “I’ve slept in worse places, I’ll be ok.” He said in answer to Brian’s statement. 

A small twinkle entered Brian’s eyes. “Worse places, huh? Sounds interesting.” 

“You have no idea.” 

“Really?” Now the twinkle was definitely there in those blue depths. “Name one for me.” 

Laughter tickled the back of AJ’s throat. Could he deny Brian anything? Most especially when it made his eyes twinkle and glow with that old amusement? He knew the answer to that. No one else may have believed it, but he knew the answer to it. No. He could never deny Brian anything. “One of the nights I got really wasted I was in the bathroom and I threw up half the night, effectively clearing out the alcohol.” AJ rolled his eyes at the memory. “My morning I was sober, but exhausted. So instead of crawling out to bed, I curled up in the tub.” When Brian started to chuckle, AJ held up a hand. “No, no. That’s not even the best part. The best part is, I didn’t even lay the long ways. I put my head against the wall and hung my legs over the side of the tub, so I was sleeping all scrunched up.” 

“Oh my God, Jay. Only you.” 

Warmth spread inside of AJ. He loved it when Brian called him ‘Jay’. Most people said it and it sounded like ‘J’; but when Brian said it in that warm voice with his accent, it changed it to sound more like ‘Jay’. “You wouldn’t have me any other way.” AJ said cheekily. 

About that moment the two of them seemed to realize that they were still holding hands. That, in fact, they had both fallen asleep holding hands. 

Wide eyed, Brian looked at their hands, shifting them so he could better see but never letting go. “It’s…easier than I thought it would be.” He whispered, voice tinged with surprise. “It feels almost normal.” 

The way he said the word normal tore at AJ’s heart. The sound to Brian’s voice at that moment was something that AJ was familiar with. The sensation of wondering what normal really was, along with surprise at finding yourself feeling it when you finally did recognize it. He didn’t say anything. This wasn’t the time for him to talk, not yet. But he didn’t move either. He wanted to leave the ball in Brian’s court. That was the only way they would make any progress for him. Push a little, then stand back and let Brian find his footing. 

After staring at their joined hands for a moment longer, Brian shifted their fingers so that they were interlocked together. His grip wasn’t tight, but it was firm. 

Those beautiful eyes lifted back up to AJ again, that hidden well of strength obvious in them. “Is it time for the interview yet?” 

“Almost.” AJ answered softly. “About a half hour yet.” 

Something on his face must have given him away because suddenly Brian was sitting up, looking at him intently. “What is it, Age?” The grip on AJ’s hand tightened just a hair but it was enough to tell AJ that Brian was tensing up in preparation for whatever he thought was coming. 

Instantly AJ sought to soothe him. “Nothing’s wrong, Bri. Chill, honey.” The endearment slipped out without him even realizing it. Often enough he thought of Brian by that term inside of his own mind. “I’ve just been thinking. Why don’t you just stay here and rest instead of heading to the interview? We can all cover for you.” 

“Stay here?” Brian exclaimed softly. The tension drained out of him to be replaced with surprise. “Are you kidding me? AJ, this is my job. I can’t just not go to work.” 

“Why not? Even the average dude has a sick day!” 

“I’m not the average guy.” Brian was quick to point out. His eyebrows drew down, creating a little furrow between them that AJ wanted so badly to smooth away. “I’m not sick either. I refuse to let this take away one of the happiest things in my life.” 

Frustrated, AJ sighed. He leaned his head back against the headboard and closed his eyes. It took all his effort to keep his temper from snapping out like it usually would have and to make his tone stay at a normal level. He didn’t want to scare Brian into doing this. He wanted to reason with him. “You have barely slept for days now. For the first time in those few days, you’re actually capable of resting.” He said in a flat tone. “Staying here for a few hours wouldn’t be letting him win. It would be taking care of you.” 

“I won’t hide!” The exclamation burst from Brian only seconds before he released AJ’s hand. 

Opening his eyes, AJ watched as Brian did something that he rarely ever allowed to happen. He gave in to his temper. Arms wrapped around his waist, he paced by the foot of the bed, his boy vibrating with anger. Whether it was for AJ, for someone else, or for himself, AJ didn’t know and he had a feeling Brian didn’t really know either. 

“Can’t you understand, Jay?” Spinning, Brian pinned AJ with his stare. “I refuse to hide in here like a coward! He’s taken everything,  _everything_ , from me! Am I just supposed to lie here in bed and let him take my music, my whole entire life, away from me?” 

“I’m not asking you to give up singing, Brian…” 

“There’s no reason I can’t go to this interview! I’m perfectly capable!” 

AJ growled softly at the interruption. “I didn’t say you weren’t.” He snapped out. Immediately he closed his eyes and took deep breath, trying to pull that temper back inside. No, snapping at Brian wouldn’t help. Most likely it would just make things worse. _So much worse. Dammit, Mclean, keep it calm!_   He told himself. “I just thought you should take advantage of being able to sleep while your mind and body are letting you. I was thinking of your health and your peace of mind, not your capability.” 

The hotel room seemed silent after he finished speaking. He knew the words had sounded harder than he wanted, but it was difficult to keep things peaceful sounding; especially when he was known for having a temper and Brian had not only been yelling at him, but he’d interrupted him as well. 

The bed gave a little under someone’s weight right before a hand tentatively touched his cheek, startling AJ so badly that he almost jumped. Cautiously he opened his eyes. Brian was right before him, just barely touching AJ’s cheek with his fingertips, a small tremble running through that hand. His eyes were bright and yet soft. “I’m sorry for snapping at you and cutting you off.” 

“It’s ok.” AJ managed to rasp out. “Just don’t do it again.” 

Brian chuckled, just like AJ had wanted. The trembling eased in those fingers, but then they were dropping back down, resting in Brian’s lap. “I need to go to this, AJ. Can you understand? I need to know if I can.” 

In one blinding instant, AJ did understand. Brian needed to know if he could even be around his friends. If being around them would make him freak out, or if he’d be ok. Kind of like a test to see if he’d later be able to manage a show. “Well, we should get dressed better if we’re going.” He said as an answer. “I doubt they want the wrinkly look for the interview.” 

The grin that lit Brian’s face made their entire conversation worth it. “Give it three days and it’d be the new fashion trend.” He teased. 

“God, isn’t that the truth. We could wear trash bags and make a fashion statement out of it.” 

“Or banana hats.” Brian threw in. 

Laughing, AJ rose to his feet. “A giant tomato earring.” He said with a grin as moved away from the bed to stretch. 

Warming to the spirit of things, Brian chuckled. “Tinfoil jewelry.” 

“Now, I draw the line somewhere.” AJ turned to look at Brian, a mock serious look on his face. “The banana hat, maybe. Tomato earring, not happily but I’d do it. But tinfoil jewelry? A man’s got to have standards, Bri!” He put his hands on his hips, inwardly grinning as he watched Brian laugh. “Beside, we’re supposed to have great fashion sense, being gay and all that. Why, we’d be hunted by homosexuals all over the world!” 

A pillow caught AJ in the face. Brian couldn’t say anything, he was laughing too hard. AJ just grabbed the pillow and threw it back. “It’s true! They’d hunt us down. We wouldn’t know they were coming until we heard the sound of expensive Italian shoes following us; or till we caught a whiff of Gucci cologne.” 

“Out!” Brian called out through his laughter. He threw another pillow at AJ. “Out, out!” 

“The things they’d do you to, Brian, you don’t even want to know! Stay away from the tinfoil, for the sake of our lives!” AJ called out as he made a beeline for the door. He shut it behind him, grinning as the sound of Brian’s laughter still rang in his ears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The interview had so far gone better than he had ever thought it would. Brian sat on the little stool behind the couch, with Nick on his right, Kevin even further right, and AJ below him with Howie below Nick and Kevin.

Because he’d arrived a little late, Brian had managed to avoid all conversation with his friends so far. He’d been pulled right into makeup, which might have bothered him if it hadn’t been for the view his mirror gave him. AJ and Nick had been wrestling around, playing with one another and laughing. Just watching them had been enough for Brian to keep his torment inside at the feeling of hands touching him. 

Even so, he was trembling a little by the time they released him. He’d been the last, so they’d quickly shuffled them all over to their seats. Quickly the cameras had been set up and turned on and the questions started. This part wasn’t so hard. Years of being in the spotlight had given them all the ability to turn on their ‘game face’. True, he wasn’t his usual perky self. But he answered the questions he was supposed to. 

But once the interview was done and the people were packing up to leave the hotel room, Brian looked at his friends and realized that he wasn’t going to get off so easy anymore. Nerves jangled in his stomach. 

Kevin was the first one to walk over to him. The look in his eyes was one that Brian had seen a million times before. It clearly said that he wanted answers and he was going to get them, no matter what. 

Anxious, Brian looked around, trying to think of a way to escape this. He didn’t realize that he’d stood from his chair and backed up a few steps until he found the wall at his back. Panic kicked in a little. What was he going to do? What was he going to say? Across the room he somehow found AJ’s eyes through all the chaos and the noise. One look was all it took. Almost the instant their eyes connected, AJ started weeding quickly through the crowd to Brian’s side. 

Kevin got there first, if only by a few seconds. “Bout time we saw you, Bri. Been wondering how you been doing.” 

Right as he finished his question, AJ stepped up, casually leaning against the wall right beside Brian. Their sides were almost touching, but not quite. Instead of scaring him more, Brian was surprised to realize that AJ’s presence there was a comfort. The walls didn’t feel like they were closing in as much; he could breathe a little easier. He found himself wishing he could hold AJ’s hand again and that thought surprised him even more. 

Lost in thought as he was, Brian didn’t notice the irritation flash in Kevin’s eyes at AJ’s interruption. He’d been hoping to press Brian to find out what was going on while he was alone. But AJ saw it and couldn’t resist flashing a grin. 

Belatedly Brian remembered that Kevin had been talking and probably expected a response. “I’ve been fine.” He forced the lie out. There was no way he could tell Kevin what was going on. No freaking way.  _No, no, don’t think about it. If you think about it, it hurts. Shove it down. Push it back. Don’t think. Be strong._  “Just taking it easy.” 

“You sure? You haven’t really seemed yourself lately. It’s not normal, hiding out by yourself in your room.” 

God, Kevin sounded so concerned. Part of Brian wanted to just break down a little. To just fold up and tell it all. But the biggest part of him wished Kevin would leave well enough alone. He didn’t want to answer questions. Didn’t want to stand here and be interrogated. 

As if he sensed Brian’s growing panic, AJ flashed another grin. “He hasn’t been alone.” He said cheerfully. “I was down there picking on him today.” 

“You?” The word was said with so much surprise that AJ bristled a little. Seeing it, Kevin quickly raised a hand. “Relax, AJ. I’m just surprised that it was you, not Nick.” 

Nick? Confused, Brian looked over to where Nick stood. It hit him then that Nick must not have told them all about their breakup. Man. Oh, man. “Nick and I aren’t together.” The words poured from him before he even realized he was going to say them. 

“What?” Kevin exclaimed loudly. 

Instinctively Brian cringed. He couldn’t help it. God, please don’t let Kevin start yelling. He didn’t know if he could handle that. The trembling started again, down in his stomach, spreading up to his hands. He brought his hands up, tucking them under his arms. Panic had him looking around again for an exit. 

“I’m sorry, Bri.” All sympathy now, Kevin reached a hand out, obviously intending to offer comfort. All Brian could think was that he had to get away before Kevin touched him. Not Kevin. No, please no. He had to get away! 

Yet again he was saved by AJ. To both his and Kevin’s surprise, AJ suddenly leaned between them, pushing Kevin’s hand out of the way, then he bent to the ground and picked something up. “There it is!” he exclaimed, sticking his hand in his pocket. He stood back up with a grin. “Sorry, I found my earring back. I lost it earlier.” 

The insane urge to chuckle built in Brian’s chest. He held his lips together. If he started to laugh now, he knew it would come out hysterical and there was no telling when he’d be able to stop. 

Apparently Kevin wasn’t falling for this. “What the hell is going on?” He demanded suddenly in his booming voice. “Look, AJ, I’m trying to talk to Brian right now. So why don’t you just back off for a little bit. I don’t know what you think you’re doing but you’re annoying the shit out of me.” 

No! He couldn’t make AJ leave. That thought had Brian’s panic climbing up another notch. His eyes darted toward AJ. When he saw the stubborn look on AJ’s face he almost sighed out loud. AJ wouldn’t leave him. Thank God. 

“No, you don’t know, Kevin. I suggest you remember that and back off.” 

“He’s my cousin and if I want to talk to him I’m damn well going to talk to him!” 

Brian jumped when Kevin shouted. The trembles spread through his whole body now. He had to leave. Had to go, now. Now! 

This time rescue came from a surprise direction. It was Nick who suddenly stepped between them all, facing Kevin. “Can’t you see you’re upsetting Brian?” He snapped at Kevin. It was a surprise to see the youngest of them all stand up to Kevin, the one man that Nick usually wouldn’t dare to shout at. “Obviously this isn’t something he wants to discuss and if he did, he’d come find you. You know that’s how he is. Now why don’t you back off and let the poor guy out of here instead of backing him against a wall and shouting?” 

The opening that Nick created wasn’t missed by Brian. He didn’t hesitate to dart out, heading straight for the door. He needed to get out of there. Needed to step away from them all. But before he even reached the door, one of their security poked his head in. “Time to head to the show, boys.” He called out. The show? Oh...God, the show. 

Someone stepped up beside Brian, close but not touching him. “You don’t have to go. You can still say you’re sick.” A warm voice murmured. 

Drawing strength from AJ’s closeness, Brian shook his head. He forced the panic back inch by precious inch. “No.” he whispered back. “No. I’m going.” The next part was by far one of the hardest things that Brian had ever done in his life. “Don’t leave me alone?” he asked. 

AJ smile was so warm Brian felt it before he turned to see it. “Not for a single minute.” AJ promised.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

How on earth he got through the show that night, Brian would never know. It was all so much a haze. Almost like that hazy feeling that comes with morphine. The world was there, moving around him, but it was all blurred and disjointed. He sang his lines and danced the steps and played a part. But he could barely remember a moment of it. 

Yet even through it all he kept his distance. Not touching, no. With quick reflexes he always managed to avoid a touch, a brush of skin against skin, without ever breaking stride. 

It wore on him. When he reached the hotel, he packed his bags mechanically. They were leaving on the busses that very night. He felt like he was sleepwalking. Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe it was the fear; ever present in his mind. Maybe it was just that he had been through so much, physically and mentally over the past few days. But whatever it was, it had dulled his mind down to only its basic functions. 

Once everything was packed he carried it all to the elevator, then down to his bus. Someone, he thought it was his security guard, took the bags to store them under the bus. Brian didn’t care. He just stepped inside and headed for the bunks with his little overnight bag. He needed to sleep. Needed to lie down for a while and stop feeling. Stop thinking. Memories were climbing up through the haze; he kept forcing them back down. 

Exhaustion claimed him. Without even taking his overnight bag off his shoulder he climbed into his bunk. Earlier, AJ had offered for Brian to ride with him. This trip, AJ had the solo bus. Kevin and Howie shared one, and Brian and Nick shared this one. It had been set up that way because of their relationship and no one had got around to fixing that yet. 

Lying in his sealed off bunk, Brian heard as Nick got on; heard as he settled into. The bus started, soon moving its way down the road. All the while Brian lay there, staring at the curtain that separated his bunk from the rest of the bus until his eyes started to drift shut. He couldn’t hold back anymore. He’d been without sleep for far too long. His body dragged him down, claiming the sleep it so desperately needed. 

Almost instantly the images came. Just like they always did whenever he slept. Smell came first. The scent of the bathroom. That stale urine smell that’s in all public restrooms. Next was sound. The footsteps behind him that he hadn’t heard that night. The voice that suddenly rang in his ear.  _“My oh my, I think I’m really lucky tonight!”_  

Brian shuddered in his sleep and rolled over, but he couldn’t escape. The smell of alcohol on this man’s breath, this man that looked so like Nick. His rough hand around Brian’s neck, on his chin, being slammed against the wall. The first kiss, the bite on his lips that had made him bleed. He could taste the coppery taste of his own blood. 

No, no, he didn’t want to dream about this! No, no! But it was gripping him, forcing him to relive it over and over. His body’s exhaustion was keeping him down in sleep when normally he would have been on his feet by now, doing anything to escape. He was stuck here. 

For the millionth time he heard that voice again.  _“Oh, what do we have here?”_  He felt the hand on his cock, felt it swelling at the touch. Shame curled inside of him, both remembered shame and new shame. How could he have responded? God, he didn’t want to live this again. Didn’t want to dream of it as he had every time he’d tried to sleep. 

He fought with every part of his mind to wake up as the dream carried on. As he remembered turning to face the wall. Remembered the pain, pain worse than anything he’d ever felt, as the man took from him something he would never get back and had condemned him to a life of hell.

 

With a gut wrenching scream, Brian tore himself up out of the dream, falling from his bunk and hitting the floor. 

A hand touched him, a voice saying something, but when Brian looked up all he saw was a tall figure, blond hair falling forward over his face, and that hand was touching him. Still half in the dream, he screamed again and scrambled back. “No, please!” he shrieked. Not again, no! He couldn’t live through it again!

“Brian!” 

That voice cut through his panic like a knife. Sweet mother of God, that was Nick. He’d just shrieked at Nick. To his surprise, Brian felt tears well up in his eyes. 

Crouching down, Nick kept back a safe distance, but his eyes were full of concern. “Bri, honey, what is it? What’s going on?” 

There was love and caring in Nick’s words and on his face, but Brian could barely separate Nick from the man in his nightmare. The man who had taken his life from him. He had to get out of here. Had to get away. 

In that one instant, one thing shot through Brian’s mind. One name. There was somewhere he could go. Someone he could rely on to help him through this. It went against everything in him to admit that he needed help, but Brian knew that right now he needed it more than anything. Even if it didn’t make sense, there was only one person he needed. 

“Stop the bus.” He whispered. “I need you to stop the bus for me.”

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

Half asleep, AJ rolled over in his bunk and sighed. He’d been trying to drift off since he’d climbed on the bus but to no avail. His brain just wouldn’t shut down. He was worried about Brian. All evening long Brian had looked….well, stoned was almost the word for it. He looked higher than a kite. Not all the way there inside his eyes. 

Was the show too much for him? Was he ok, over on his bus? 

Those thoughts plagued him. So lost in them was he that when the bus stopped, he barely even noticed it. That is, until he heard the door to his bus open. Curious, AJ poked his head out of the bunk curtain, looking down the hall. What he saw surprised him. 

A very shaky looking Brian was walking up the steps, arms wrapped around his waist, overnight bag slung over his shoulder. To put it mildly, he looked like shit. It seemed like hell was in his eyes. Every inch of him was trembling. 

Shakily, Brian walked toward the bunks. Then he simply stopped. The bus roared back to life, then pulled back out on to the road. Still Brian stood there. 

Finally, he moved a little, shifting his feet. “I...” His voice cracked on that one word. Brian closed his eyes for a second, cleared his throat, and tried again. “I had a nightmare.” He paused, swallowing. “I didn’t know what else to do. Can I…can I sleep here?” 

Emotion clogged AJ’s throat. God, his poor little angel. So lost and broken and unsure of what to do. AJ didn’t even have to think. He pulled the curtain open before scooting back into the bunk and lifting the blankets out of the way. There was barely a hesitation before Brian was putting his bag on the ground and climbing inside. 

It was Brian who took the edge of the curtain and pulled it closed. He lay there as AJ threw the blankets over them both. He rolled so that he was facing AJ, his back to the curtain. Hesitantly he reached out, finding AJ’s hand and lightly lacing their fingers together. AJ thanked the dark so that Brian didn’t see the tears that built in his eyes. 

“Thanks.” Brian whispered into the darkness. 

AJ squeezed his hand softly. “Always.” 

He said nothing else. Together, the two men slowly drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable8.html


	9. Eighth Chapter

Eighth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bus had started once again, after pulled over and wait for Brian to go on the other one.

Nick had watched Brian gathering really slowly his bag, wiping away furiously the tears that still lingered on his face. Then, without a word, he was gone and Nick had only sent a prayer that Aj could be able to do what he wasn’t able to do.

A thousand thoughts were spinning around his mind, running around the man he once loved and that now was so broken that he doubt that someone, even Aj, could put him back together.

The screams still lingered in his ears, shivers hadn’t stop to run up and down his spine since he had opened his eyes and saw Brian on the floor, curling up in a ball and trying to protect himself for something – or someone – that wasn’t there physically.

The realization had hit him like a strike but still he wouldn’t allow himself to make it real. Because that reality was far worse than all the scenarios he had come up with since Brian had broke up with him.

But the signs were there, so painful to see: the way Brian didn’t want to be touched, that hallow look in his eyes, those blue pools that now were only a slight shade of grey, mirroring a thunderstorm that was battling the insides and was searching a way to escape in the surface; the way he had isolated himself or how he was scared to be in a room around his friends.

Nick remembered that afternoon, how Brian had looked like a wounded animal, scared to be in a corner without any way out, while Kevin kept coming closer and closer. He could remember the sheer of pure terror as Brian watched Kevin trying to touch him, the same expression his face held as he tried, not so long ago, to comfort him.

There was only one answer to all those signs.

Guilty washed over him. God, why they had to fight that night?

If he didn’t lose control over his feelings, he could have convinced Brian to go with him and none of this would have happened. If he didn’t storm off like a spoiled child, maybe they would have talked about their relationship, maybe they would have given up the idea of going out and stayed in their room trying to make things right.

But all the if and maybe in the world couldn’t erase what had already happened.

Things like that couldn’t happen to people like them, especially people like Brian: Brian was the kind of guy always eager to help someone else, he still could remember all those nights when he had gone to him after a fight with his parents and he just let him crash at his house without protesting if it messed up his plans. Brian was the kinda of guy that really enjoyed staying outside and chatting with the fans, even when he was dead tired.

Why things like that had to happen to good people?

But, in spite of everything, he couldn’t deny that breaking up had been the best thing to do. Maybe it was coward to think that he had been saved by that but, in reality, Nick knew that he would only had make things worse: he didn’t know how to take care of Brian when he was okay, how in the world he could have done it with a broken Brian?

And Brian... Brian knew this, Brian knew that staying together would have only ruined everything and he had decided to sacrifice something his love in order to protect their friendship.

Sweet unselfish Brian, always thinking about others before himself.

That was the reason why he had gone to Aj and asked him to look after Brian. First, because he knew that Aj loved Brian like him, maybe more than he was willing to admit to himself. And, second, because he knew he was the only who could really understand what Brian was going through and he wouldn’t let Brian collapse before asking to help.

But, no matter how much faith he could put in Aj, he needed to know everything. He needed to know why Brian had shrieked away from him, looking like he had sincerely thought that he could harm him in that way. He needed to know if he was okay, physical okay because he knew that mentally he was far away from being okay. He needed to know if he could help in any way possible, even lying in front of Kevin to just buy them more hours to sleep.

And there was only one person who could known the truth and it was the same person Brian had run to.

Although everything went wrong for them as boyfriends, Brian was still his best friend. And he would be damned if he let him all alone – well, not properly alone since Aj was staying by his side – in a situation like that.

So, before the courage would leave him, Nick picked up his phone and called Aj.

 

 

 

 

 

 

***********************

 

 

 

 

 

 

The phone vibrated on the table, making an odd rumor that didn’t wake up anyone.

Aj wondered if they would be able to get a decent amount of sleep to work properly the day after, although his main concern was the man curled up in his arms, dozing off after the last nightmare.

He didn’t know how much time had passed from the moment Brian had appeared on his bus, asking him to stay because he couldn’t sleep. He did know that half of that unknown time had passed between trying to wake up Brian before he could jerked away and fell from the bed and trying to soothe him back to sleep.

So far, luck hadn’t been on their side and he was wondering if he could get his driver to stop at the first pharmacy and buy some sleeping pills. It was clear that Brian was beyond being plain exhausted but still he couldn’t fall in that deep sleep, where dreams were too hard to make and where nightmares and shadows stayed far away, too tired to come out and haunt.

That was why, when the phone started to ring silently, Aj could extract himself and leave Brian wrapped up his blanket, hoping to not take too much time to ease Nick’s worry.

Only him could, in fact, call him at that hour.

“He’s here and he’s sleeping. Sort of.” He just said when he picked up the call.

“But he is okay, right? He didn’t have any nightmares?”

“Nick, it’s a kinda an illusion wishing that he didn’t have any nightmares.”

“I know. – Nick answered with a tired voice. – I... Aj, I need some answers.”

“I can’t tell you, Nick. Don’t make me break a promise.”

“Jay, I kinda figured it out what happened. I mean, he doesn’t want to be touched, that scream that I think I will not forget any time soon and the way he ran away from me. So, you don’t have to tell me that someone had attacked him.”

Silence fell between them, so deep that he could almost pictured it. Biting his lips, Aj debated how much he could give away without admitting out loud what had happened. Yes, Brian was sleeping in that moment, but who knew how deep? A crying fit right now wasn’t what he needed.

Still, Aj knew that Nick deserved some kind of explanation.

“I want to know how much he was hurt.” Nick repeated.

“Bad. Not in the outside. I think you can figure it out.”

“Oh my God...” Nick moaned in the phone and Aj could imaging the young man starting pacing in the bus and kicking everything he came across with.

“I’m sorry, I should have gone with him in the bathroom but...  I didn’t know that someone was following him!”

“Shit, Jay, no! If it’s someone’s fault, it should been mine. I shouldn’t have fought with him.”

“Well, that too. – Aj admitted. – Truth is that it’s no one’s fault but that bastard’s.”

“You saw him?”

“Briefly. He looked a lot like you. I think that it’s the reason why Brian panicked so much with you.”

“Damn.”

“Nick, he knows that you won’t ever hurt him that way. You know that, right?”

“Yes, I know but... – Nick let out a shaky breath. That was too much to handle over the phone. Tight now he had to think about Brian, the rest he could deal later. – I think it’s better if Brian stays with you.”

“Yes. It’s the best.” Aj answered before watching over the man still laying inside his bunk. He was sleeping but his forehead was still frowned and every little then and now a soft whimper left his lips, a murmur or a plea to be left alone. He closed off the curtain and then walked in the living room, sitting over the couch.

“How is he holding up?”

“He... He’s Brian. He’s trying to be strong because he doesn’t want to worry anyone but... it’s killing him. We’re making small steps but with all the concerts and things like that... it’s hard to just stop him and let him vent out.”

“And since he doesn’t want anyone to know, we can’t ask to cancel some of the shows.”

“Yeah, exactly. And it’s something we can’t force him to do. It has to be his choice whether or not to inform the others.”

“What we can do?”

“I wish I know. Right now? He needs to sleep. But...”

“But what?”

“It’s just that... – Aj rubbed his temples, thinking about a way to solve the problem. He knew he couldn’t erase Brian’s memory, no matter how hard he wished he could, so he just had to find the key to put Brian to rest. Just like he had told Brian yesterday, focus on little and practical things. And the fact that he could speak to Nick about it, now that he knew and he didn’t want to run away, he felt like a weight had been lifted up from his shoulder. Together, him and Nick could really help Brian. -  He’s exhausted and he needs rest but he kept waking up because of the nightmares. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Just as he was getting to check on Brian, he heard the click of the bathroom’s door, a sign that he had wake up another time. Well, at least this time he hadn’t screamed.

“Try with warm milk and some cookies.”

The suggestion took Aj by surprised. “You mean with a hidden sedative?”

“No, no! – Nick replied with a laugh. – Just warm milk, maybe a little of chocolate. I let Brian tell you the story behind.”

“You and Brian are weird, you know?”

“Look who is talking, king of weirds!”

“At least, I know that and I’m proud!”

With the corner of his eyes, Aj noticed Brian standing on the doorway, his arms wrapped around his waist and his head resting against the doorframe. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Let me know if you need anything. – Nick’s voice broke a little. – Tell Brian that I love him, okay?”

“Sure. Bye and thanks.”

Aj put down the phone and waited until Brian walked over the sofa. “He’s angry, isn’t he?” he only asked while sitting down slowly.

“No, sweety. He was worried. He’s worried.”

For a moment, Aj battled himself whether to let Brian know about Nick.

“You told him?” the question was asked in a little voice, like a child asking his mom when and if dad will be back that night.

“I didn’t. He put the pieces together. But he isn’t angry at you or disgusted. Most of all he wants to be here with you.”

“Why? I left him! He doesn’t have to pity me!”

“Brian, do you honestly think that pity is what Nick is feeling for you in this moment? You know him, you know him better than everyone else.”

As instincts, Brian found Aj’s hand and latched their fingers together. It seemed so natural that most of the trembles he felt the first time has vanished. “No.” he whispered.

Aj squeezed a little that tangle, relief sweeping through his veins seeing that Brian was feeling more and more comfortable with touching, if only a hand.

Baby steps, he had to remind himself.

“Why don’t you go back to sleep? It’s not even morning, in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s still night.”

“Half past four. - Replied Brian, pushing himself back and resting his back on the back of the couch. - I checked the clock while going to the bathroom.”

“See? Night time!”

“I don’t want to. Every time I try to sleep, I keep having nightmares. I’m... I’m afraid. But I’m tired and it’s worse cause if I’m totally exhausted then I just have to relive everything without any power to stop the images.”

Aj knew he had to distract Brian, just for a little while to let him forget why he was still up at that hour, even if it was only for a minute.

“Nick told me about a warm milk and cookies.”

“He did?” Brian asked surprised.

“Do you want it?”

Instead of answering, Brian started to get up but Aj pushed him back gently. “No, no, sir. You’re my guest so I’m the one who’s gonna get the milk for you.”

“But...”

“No, no! No buts, no sorry. Just lay back and close your eyes. Relax. I’ve got you.”

Brian bite back his reply and, for once, he just did what he had been told: he stretched up on the couch, not really taking all the space since it was so big, and then just laid his head on the cushions, closing his eyes without really falling asleep.

He didn’t know how long it passed from the moment he laid to the moment he felt Aj’s presence beside him: it could have been minutes or hours and, for the first time, it didn’t really matter. He felt calm, relaxed, and that because he knew that Aj was there for him, taking care of everything and, most important, he was sure nothing could happen to him as long as the other guy would stayed there with him.

Safe.

It was just one word, a small word, but it meant so much for him: it meant that he could let go of the fear that haunted him every hour and every minute, those cold fingers that grabbed him in a tight grasp and made so difficult to breath. Not of that happened when Aj was there, not only physically near him, but just his mere presence in the room. Yes, neither him was able to keep away those horrible images but they weren’t so terrifying when he wake up and found himself in Aj’s embrace. Every time he did, hands were there caressing his arms, soothing him back to sleep; words full of comfort and plain love made a soft lullaby that rocked him, a blanket that he wasn’t too proud to accept.    

“Thanks.” He only whispered, knowing that Aj could hear him.

“For the milk? I know I’m not good in the kitchen but warming milk doesn’t required much skills.” Aj replied and Brian could easily picture that warm smile that was on his face behind his closed eyes.

“Not only for that. For everything.”

“Thank me when you’ll feel better.”

“Will I be? – Brian couldn’t help to ask. – Will be there a day when I won’t feeling like I’m crawling off my skin? Will I be able to sleep without being forced to revive everything?”

 

The question blocked Aj’s reply on his tongue. Although he wanted to say that yes, he would be okay, he would be back to his normal self, Aj didn’t want to deceive him. Brian was lookin up at him because, even if things were literally different, he had been in his place, being pushed down on the ground and left to pick up the pieces. “Recovery isn’t set on stones, Brian. Some get better quickly, some have to struggle all their life to find a sense of normal. Someday, I feel like my old self, joking around and smile and really enjoy my work. And some day I wake up and all I can think is that I need a drink, anything to just get up from the bed. Days when I want to hide because I fear that everyone could see how bad my hands are trembling or the real reason why I wear sunglasses inside a room. But each day that I win my fight it makes me stronger.”

 

A small smile perked up upon Brian’s face as he thoughts how easily him and Aj could just talk about stupid things and then shares those little hints about their souls. Not only that, but the honesty about how difficult it would be and not those formalities about one’s strength.

 

“So... Nick told me to ask you about the story behind the milk.” Aj changed the subject, wanting nothing more to keep seeing that smile on his face, even if it was a pale shadow of the one Brian was known for.

 

Brian opened his eyes, propping himself up to get the glass of milk. “Oh, it’s a long story.”

 

“Well, if you don’t want to go back to sleep, I say that we have all the time.”

 

“Okay, okay. See... when I was little and just out of the hospital, I was still a little weak and prone to get sick with every virus possible. So I was stuck most of the time up in my room, something that I have always hated it. I remember Kevin coming often to visit and I would practically begged him to take me out just for a single minute. One day I totally lost it, I screamed and cried for hours because I was sick and tired of being sick and mom just let me and, when I finished, she just wiped away the tears and brought me in the kitchen, warmed some milk with chocolate and we just talked. Over the years, it became a ritual for us. Whenever I had a problem or too much to think of, I would ask my mom a glass of milk and she would understood that I needed a break or only a ear to vent things off. – Brian took a sip from his mug before starting to talk again. – Remember our first trip to Germany?”

 

Aj nodded, how could he forgot those times?

 

“Me and Nick roomed together. Nick had tried to play cool all day long about being on his own for the first time but as night got closer, he was sadder and sadder and I didn’t know how to cheer him up. He was missing his parents but he didn’t want to say out loud in fear of being saw as a little child. And, truth was, I was nostalgic too. So I remembered what my mom did to make me feel better. Aside that we were in a foreign country and we didn’t know a word of Dutch.”

 

“Oh gosh, why have I the feeling that is going to be something ridiculous?”

 

“Because it’s! – Brian grinned as he remembered that night. – I tried with the phone but, apart from a hello, I couldn’t understand a single word the lady told me. So I went down to the receptionist, asking if she spoke or at least understand English but, of course, she didn’t. I took a paper, a pencil and together me and Nick draw a glass of milk and cookies and when the lady finally got what we wanted, she looked at us and said: _milch?_ And then just laughed at us while getting our order.”

 

Aj frowned. “Why we didn’t know anything about this?”

 

“Cause me and Nick kept it as one of our many secrets. – Brian took another sip of the milk, feeling its warmth starting to spread among its blood. – When we got together, we used that whenever we got in a fight. It was our way to say <<I’m sorry, let’s make peace>>.”

 

Brian looked away, towards the window that reflected the dark sky with only few stars. “It’s not fair.” His voice cracked but this time there wasn’t only pain in his tone: there was anger and rage. Maybe he and Nick weren’t meant to be together but why he had to break up over something he didn’t have control? Someone else took the decision for him and that wasn’t freaking fair.

 

Tears started to stream down his face but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. Where was the point when he knew that soon others tears would follow. No one was going to judge him for breaking down, especially not Aj.

Soon, he found himself wrapped up in a tight hug, hands caressing his back and Aj’s voice whispering him to let it go.

And he did. Hiding his face inside the croak of Aj’s neck, he let himself break down, knowing that Aj would be there to pick up the broken pieces.

If there were any left.

 

 

**********************

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian, Aj and Nick weren’t the only ones still awake at that hour of the night.

And Nick hadn’t been the only one worrying and questioning what was wrong with Brian.

In the last bus, Kevin was sitting at the table, his laptop open and running spread over the room a bluish light. He was wandering around sites and sites, trying to find an answer to all his questions about the strange behavior kept by Brian: he wasn’t his normal self if he isolated himself for days and then, when he finally emerged from the shadows, he tried to avoid every contact, physical or just a simple talk.

Brian lived for the contact, that was his best way to express feelings and emotions when words couldn’t fully define them: a hand on the shoulder, a hug for no apparent reason. Seeing him almost running away at the mere thought, that was something so unbelievable and so worrying.

“Found something?”

Howie sit down on the opposite site before passing over a cup of coffee. He had tried to call Aj but the first time, he was asleep so he didn’t answered and the second the line was busy, which was a little strange since it was like four in the morning.

His friend was the only one who would give some hints about what the hell had happened to Brian, although Howie was so sure that he wouldn’t betray Brian’s trust if Brian asked him to keep it a secret.

“Nothing. Or, better said, I can erase the possibility that he’s sick. Although he looks like he’s.”

“Maybe he’s just sad about breaking up with Nick?”

Kevin raised up his face from the monitor. “I talked with Nick. Brian is the one calling off everything, saying that Nick would be better without him.”

“So... he left Nick despite still loving him?”

“Totally something Brian would do.”

“But why? He was the best thing for Nick!”

“If he think that breaking up was the only way to protect Nick. The question if protecting from what.”

“Or from who.”

Kevin gave up searching on internet when he didn’t know exactly what to search. Closing the computer, he took his cup of coffee. “When was the last time you saw Brian?”

“The other night. Nick had dinner with Aaron and Brian tagged along with me and Aj.”

“Have you noticed something different?”

“He talked mostly with Aj. – Howie stopped abruptly as he recalled that yes, something happened. – He went to the bathroom and stayed like for forever. Aj went to get him while I waited in the car and... when they got back, something was off. Brian was leaning against Aj and had this look on his face. I can’t quite explain if not using… fear. He looked like he was in pain so I just shrugged it off like he had been sick.”

“Why should be Brian afraid?”

Howie didn’t want to answer. He had grown up among women and he knew why someone was afraid and, thinking with that perspective, every misplaced pieces found its place: the fear, the way Brian held himself while he was with them, how he got frightened when Kevin cornered him. Gosh! Why he didn’t think about it earlier?

“If you see a girl walking out a public restroom looking distraught, in fear, trembling. What do you think has happened?”

“Well, probably some guys ass... – Kevin risked to choke with his own tongue as the words started to form in his mind. – You can’t think that!”

“I don’t want to think but it’s the only explanation possible! That’s why he broke up with Nick and that’s why he had been closed off in his room.”

Worry filled every limbs in Kevin. No, Howie had to be mistaken, a terrible thing like that couldn’t happen to Brian, he didn’t deserved something so destructive. But, even if he didn’t want, even if it hurt to think that way, Howie was right: the brokenness in Brian’s eyes was speaking a story terrible, was telling everyone to stop and help him, even if the words couldn’t get out from his lips.

"Gosh... oh God.” Only those words Kevin spoke before shoving down his own pain and started thinking practical.

“Don’t. – Howie warned pulling out Kevin from his mind. – Let Brian deal with this. He doesn’t want us to know and we have to respect it.”

Kevin looked at him like he had grown two heads. What the hell he was saying? How could he leave Brian all alone knowing what he knew? It was his duty to protect Brian and, since he had already failed in first place, he had to help him! What was wrong with that?

“I don’t like it but you can’t keep this decision from him. He already lost everything, let him decide when and if he wants to tell us.”

“But we can’t leave him alone! I can’t! I let him down once, I’m not doing that again!”  Kevin shouted, getting up and starting pacing on the aisle.

Howie knew what Kevin was referring to, the one time that each of them wanted to go back in time and changed it. They were young and naïve, letting other people decide what was the best and to pursue their dream, they left one of their brothers all alone while fighting for his life.

“We won’t get to that point. If worse come, we’ll step in. But I know that Brian, right now, isn’t alone. Aj knew and has been with him all the time. He won’t let anything bad happen to Brian.”

Kevin sighed as he finally stopped pacing and sat down once again. “I may not say a lot of times but I trust Aj. Especially this Aj.”

“He grown up so much since he left the rehab.”

“I know. I know. It’s... it’s just that Brian is stubborn, too much, when he thinks he can deal with something.”

“Well, if there is someone else as stubborn as him, I bet it’s Aj. He won’t leave Brian even if he kicked out of his room.”

“That would be funny to see.”

“That would be normal. – Howie replied. – And I fear that normal isn’t something we’ll get for a long time.”

“Guess you’re right. – Kevin agreed. – But... now that we know, how... I don’t how to treat Brian. All I want is to take him away, somewhere he can feel safe to just heal and let me deal with everything.”

“Treat him like he’s the same old Brian. Use common sense: don’t touch him if he doesn’t start the act. Don’t corner him or shout or scream. – Howie tilted his head, his chin resting on the back of his hand. – That’s what I can think of. But... I’ll talk with Aj and see what we can do or not.”

Kevin opened up once again his laptop.

“What are you doing?” Howie asked, a frown of confusion appearing on his forehead.

“Well, no one can keep me from trying to find that bastard.”

And Howie couldn’t agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable9.html


	10. Ninth Chapter

Ninth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Though it had taken the better part of an hour, Brian had finally cried himself empty. It hadn’t taken long after that before Brian was asleep. AJ stayed sitting on the edge of the couch even after he’d let go of Brian and laid him back down on the cushions. For a long while he just sat there, staring down into Brian’s sweet face. Occasionally AJ couldn’t resist reaching up and brushing a small bit of Brian’s hair back from his face. 

It was so hard to sit back and watch Brian go through something like this. To know that there wasn’t really anything that he could do to help. Feeling helpless was not something that AJ liked or that he dealt with very well. 

After an hour or so had passed and still Brian hadn’t stirred, AJ thought that maybe Brian would finally get some real sleep. Thank God. That was the most important thing for Brian right now. Sleep. The rest they could deal with as it came along but they wouldn’t be able to do anything if Brian was fighting exhaustion at the same time. 

The bus shifted and slowed. Looking out the window, AJ saw where they were headed. Wal-Mart.  _Must be time for a pit stop_ he thought to himself. Well, that was good; there were a few things he wanted to grab. For a moment he looked down at Brian and debated leaving him alone. If he woke and was by himself, would he freak again? Would he be upset with AJ for leaving him? 

No, Brian would understand. He wouldn’t be upset with AJ. But he might get scared. So, as the bus pulled into the parking lot, AJ scribbled a quick note and placed it right by Brian’s hands where he would see it if he woke. Then he pulled his shoes on and headed off the bus once it parked. 

So deep in his thoughts was he that he didn’t notice anyone else around him as he headed into the store. But someone suddenly bumped arms with him, startling him out of his thoughts so badly that he jumped a little. 

“Sorry, Age.” Howie said with a chuckle. “Didn’t realize you were so jumpy today.” 

Sighing, AJ looked at his friend for a moment before starting back down the aisle. “It’s fine.” AJ mumbled. He turned down toward the food section. Maybe if he grabbed a few things that he knew Brian loved he might be able to entice him into eating something. The man barely ate anything. Not that AJ could blame him. As depressed as Brian was, it wasn’t surprising that food had no appeal. But it wasn’t healthy. There had to be some way to convince him to eat something… 

Another nudge to his arm brought him back from his thoughts again. “You ok, AJ?” This time, Howie’s voice was full of concern. With another sigh, AJ bumped Howie back. “Fine, D. Just got a lot on my mind.” 

Something passed over Howie’s face for a moment. He looked quickly around them, the aisle they were on was empty, then spoke in a low voice that AJ could barely hear. “Is it something to do with what happened to Brian?” 

Shock had AJ freezing in place. “What?” He managed to croak out. There was no doubt what Howie was talking about. The knowledge was written plainly in his sympathetic eyes. But how the hell had he found out about this? 

As if he could read AJ’s mind, Howie said, still speaking softly, “Come on, AJ. I have plenty of girls in my family. I know the one fear a girl has above all else, the look it gives her when she worries about it. Not to mention I’ve known a girl it’s happened to. I saw Brian and you afterwards, remember? It took me a while, but after that outburst with him and Kevin, I pieced it all together.” 

“Jesus.” Oh, Brian was not going to like this. 

“I’m not the only one. Kev knows too. He was there when I figured it out.” 

God, Brian  _really_  wasn’t going to like this. That meant that everyone knew. If he found out that everyone knew what had happened to him, he would panic. This was the last thing he had wanted to happen. Another thought occurred to AJ, making his eyes go wide. “You guys can’t say anything to him about this.” He said quickly. This was important, he had to make Howie understand. “You can’t treat him differently. That’d be the worst possible thing to do. He’s so fragile right now.” 

Howie was quick to reassure him. “I know, I know, don’t worry. Kev was all for taking Brian away somewhere to let him heal, somewhere that he could take care of him, but I convinced him not to. The last thing Brian needs is Kev hovering over him.” He still spoke in a whisper, his eyes darting frequently to make sure that they were still alone. “Plus, Brian’s seemed to latch on to you. I don’t think he needs anything that would take you away from him.” 

This was going to make things so different. Now that everyone else knew, it would change some of AJ’s worries. Take some away, but replace them with new ones. He’d have to be on the lookout to make sure that Kevin didn’t try to interfere. Oh, he’d have the best of intentions. There was no denying that Kevin loved his cousin. It was a special bond that those two had. But sometimes the best of intentions can have the worst consequences. 

AJ grabbed a bag of chips off the shelf as he thought all this through. He spoke absently to Howie as he moved along the shelf, putting things into the little basket he had on his arm. “I don’t know why he’s picked me, but let Kevin know that I’m doing everything I can to help. I’ve got him sleeping right now, finally, and when he wakes up I’m going to try to get him to eat.” 

They moved to another aisle where a couple of people were shopping. Howie waited until they were away from there and down another empty aisle before whispering “You’re an easy to trust guy, Age. Doesn’t surprise me he picked you to trust.” 

“Huh?” AJ asked in genuine surprise. No one had ever said anything like that to him before. 

“Well, you’ve just got this thing about you.” Looking over, Howie shrugged. “People just kind of sense that you’re trustworthy. An once they get to know you, well, anyone who’s your friend knows that you’ll go to the wall for them. You never betray anyone’s trust and you never do anything to intentionally hurt someone. You’re just what Brian needs right now.” 

The compliment of that all warmed AJ a little on the inside. Howie wasn’t the type of person that was free with compliments or praise, so when he did give them out they tended to mean that much more. “Thanks, D.” 

“No problem.” A quick flash of a smile, then another surprise “Plus, with the shit you went through in your addiction time, you’re probably the only one that can relate to him.” 

That had AJ stopping again. This time he couldn’t keep himself from gaping at Howie. He opened his mouth to speak but no words would come out. Howie…Howie knew about that stuff? 

It was easy for Howie to read the look on AJ’s face. He reached a hand out, touching his arm. When he spoke, his voice was soft and gentle. “AJ, I’m your best friend. Did you think I never noticed what was going on? I saw all the people come and go from your room. I found you once or twice in bed with some of them, still passed out. I saw you after treatment, too. The others may not have looked deep in it, but I did. I saw how little you wanted to be touched. How jumpy you were around any contact. I saw the shame you carried everywhere with you. It made me glad to see when it started to fade.”

“But you never said anything.” AJ whispered back. He felt as if his whole world had suddenly been flipped upside down! 

“No, I didn’t.” Looking at AJ’s face, Howie smiled a little. “You’re not like Bri, honey. You’re so fiercely independent. I knew if I came to you, you’d push me away. I also knew that if you wanted to talk about it, this was something that you’d bring up yourself. If I’d said anything I might have made it worse. You’ve always known my doors open for you. So I knew that if you wanted to talk, you always knew where to find me.” 

To give himself a minute, AJ scanned the shelf again, looking for more food to try to bribe Brian with. The two friends walked quietly for a short while, gathering a few more items before heading up to the check stand. 

While waiting in line, AJ looked over to the man who had always been his best friend. “I don’t know what to do, D. This…it’s so hard. I want to help him so badly but I feel like I’m just floundering, trying to figure out something and coming up with nothing.” 

They’d reached the conveyer belt by then. Howie took things from AJ’s basket, placing them on the belt. “Just keep doing what you’re doing, Age. Apparently it’s working. Help with what you can and just be there for the rest. Right now he probably just needs someone steady that he can trust. Someone he can go to and feel safe around. He knows he can get that with you.” 

AJ couldn’t help the small smile that curved his lips. “Thanks.” He whispered. It felt good to have someone he trusted advise him, especially when they meshed exactly with what he was doing and thinking. 

While he waited for the checker to finish with the customer in front of him, AJ let his eyes idly scan the area around him. He was trying to process everything that had been said between him and Howie. 

He spotted Kevin standing a few rows down, paying for his purchases. Over in the clothes was Nick, his back to the check stands as he sifted through things. That kid, always buying clothes. AJ smiled as his gaze came back up to the stands again. Something caught his attention, freezing him. 

There was Nick, standing at the front of the store, a bag in his arm. But hadn’t he just been by the clothes? This was definitely Nick. There was no mistaking his smiling, animated face as he spoke into the cellphone in his hand. Then, a moment later, Kevin joined him and they headed out of the store. 

Even as his items were rung up, AJ shifted his gaze back to where the clothes were at. The Nick look alike was still there. A chill ran down AJ’s spine. The longer he looked, the worse the feeling in his stomach became. Aside from his resemblance to Nick there was something else familiar about that man. 

The man turned a little, looking toward the front of the store, and AJ felt everything inside of him ice over. Sweet mother of God. It couldn’t be! No…no. But that face was one that AJ would never forget. It was branded into his memory, though he had only seen it once before for just a brief moment. Just for that split second as the man had stepped out of a bathroom that, moments later, AJ had found Brian curled up inside of. 

Rage filled AJ to the brim. He felt his hands quivering with the urge to do something. Before he’d even thought about it he was pushing past the people behind him in line, leaving his stuff at the register and making his way through the crowd. 

The man looked up, almost as if he gaze was drawn to AJ. He met his gaze, their eyes locking, and a smile spread across his face. That smile was almost enough to freeze AJ’s insides. The man looked positively…sinister. 

Without ever dropping his smile, the man winked at him. Then he put his stuff down and weeded through the crowd toward the front door. 

Though he had no idea what he’d do if he caught him, AJ instantly changed direction and followed him toward the doors. The man broke free moments before he did. But there were tons of people outside, fans included, and AJ found himself surrounded before he could even blink. Standing up on tiptoe, he managed to look over the top of the crowd just in time to see the guy reach the edge of the building. 

Pausing, the man looked over at AJ with an earsplitting grin. “Tell our friend I’ll visit another time!” He called out before he disappeared around the corner. 

There was no way that AJ could break free from the fans to go after this guy. It took everything he had not to simply trample over them all in his need to go chase the guy down and pound him to a pulp. 

By the time security made it over and dispersed the group, Howie came walking out of the store with AJ’s stuff in hand. “What the hell?” he demanded, handing AJ his bags. “What was that? Why’d you run off all of a sudden?” 

“I saw someone.” AJ murmured, scanning his eyes over the whole parking lot. Maybe, if he was lucky, he’d catch another glimpse of the guy and could try to go after him again. it would feel good to do something productive. It would feel good to pound the little punk down into the cement. 

The guy was nowhere in sight, though. A sudden thought hit AJ, freezing him for one single instant. He knew his eyes went wide with horror, could actually feel the fear settle onto his face. The next instant he was flying, barely a care for the bags in his arms, racing toward the bus. 

He hit the stairs at a run, practically spilling his groceries and almost sending himself falling down. But somehow he managed to scramble and keep himself from falling or from dropping anything. 

His panic didn’t subside until he got fully onto the bus and saw Brian lying just where he’d left him, the note still sitting with him, and he heard him snoring lightly. Oh thank God. Thank fucking God. For one terrifying instant all AJ had been able to think of was Brian, alone on the bus, and that man obviously around here somewhere. If he’d got at Brian when AJ was supposed to be protecting him, well, it would shatter that oh so fragile part of Brian. 

Quietly AJ set his groceries on the counter. Then, he couldn’t resist anymore, he hurried over and knelt beside the couch, near Brian’s head. With a soft touch he ran the back of his hand over Brian’s cheek. He just needed that little moment of physical contact. That little reassurance. 

What the hell were they going to do now? AJ refused to believe it was just chance that this man was here, at the exact same place and the exact same time that they were. No. That was too much to be a coincidence. But what could he do about it? Should he tell Brian? 

God, that would terrify him. Absolutely terrify Brian. But…better to be told the truth than have people ‘protect’ you with a lie. If the roles were reversed, AJ knew that he would want Brian to tell him. To respect him enough not to keep things from him. 

Not only that, but if he kept it quiet now and later on Brian found out, and found out that AJ had known, then the little bit of trust that he had in AJ would be destroyed. 

There was only one choice. Once Brian woke up, AJ was going to tell him who he’d seen. He was also going to tell him that the others knew the truth. What would happen after that, God only knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable10.html


	11. Tenth Chapter

Tenth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_The hotel room was tiny, large enough for a small bed to fit in. On the left side, near to the door that lead to the bathroom, a desk was covered up with photos, posters and newspaper’s pages. Only a face was circled with a deep crimson red line, the face that belonged to the sand blonde haired man, often posing near another guy who looked so much alike the man that had cut those images._

_T_ _he man traced with his index’s fingertip those features he loved so much: the cheekbones, so defined; those lips curved in a flashing smile; the nose a little too big but so harmonious on that face. He left the most precious feature last, mesmerized by those blue oceans that seemed to go deeper and deeper the more time he looked into them. Now, something more he saw in them: the fear, a light that darkened them into a blue night sky but no stars shining. The fear he saw when he cornered him in that bathroom, finally reaching what he had been searching in the last years._

_His hands picked up the photos, where other two men stared back at him. He compared them to his beautiful angel: the resemblance was there but they didn’t came closer to the original. He tried to change them, Stephen, for example, had been a dark haired guy before he convinced him to dye them blonde. But it hadn’t worked, no one could be like the original. Nigel, Mitch... those had been only a fair palliative to cure his obsession._

_The first time his eyes fell on Brian something stirred inside him, a burning desire that he felt only a few times before in his life. The angelic looks combined with a sense of innocence was a tough temptation that he barely could fight, let alone could phantom to win over. Truth was that he didn’t want to battle that need, he wanted it to grow until it was something he couldn’t escape, until that fallen angel surrendered to him, beggin him to have mercy on his soul and let his body burned with the pleasure._

_Leaving the photos on his left side, he opened up his laptop, quickly logging in a fan forum. Internet had been the key to his first victory: Bsb fans were like a CIA, they knew where the guys would be in a matter of hours and they were so willing to share all the information they held. Finding out the tour dates had been simple like breathing but he had to work harder to find all the travel info and where the band would be staying between concerts._

_He had been lucky that night, that was for sure. According to the fans, Brian wasn’t the type to hang out in clubs as much as the others and rumour was that he and Nick had been lovers for some time, even though no proof had been brought up to confirm.  But still he went and he couldn’t believe his eyes when his saw him walking through the line of people, the neon lights made him shining like the true angel he was. So he had followed him, watched him in the shadows as he laughed and drank with that Aj guy. Hours passed but still he hadn’t left his spot. And then... it came. His chance._

_Brian had left the bar and tried to find his way to the bathroom. Neither he realized that they exchange a brief gaze while he was walking by him._

_He waited then one minute before stepping inside and closing the door so no one could enter._

_The images, along with the sensations and the sounds, came back to him like a river, swallowing him under a force he couldn’t and didn’t want to fight back._

_He had to get him back, he couldn’t wait any longer. Those lips... oh, those lips looked so delicious that he bet they would do an amazing job._

_After checking the right directions for their hotel, the man closed his laptop and gathered his things to get out._

_“You’re gonna get yourself killed if you want to keep up with this obsession.”_

_The man didn’t listen to that voice, a voice of a man he once loved until he found out that he wouldn’t want to be like Brian. A ghost past lover._

_“Yeah, ignore me but you’re gonna pay what have you done to me and to the others!”_

_Oh, he couldn’t stay calm with that reply! “Stop! You didn’t exist anymore! I made sure of that!”_

_“Oh yes. You killed me because I didn’t want to become a clone!”_

_“You don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist.” The man kept saying while pacing._

_“I exist in your mind. And soon, Nigel and Mitch will join me. You really think you’ve got a chance with that singer of yours?”_

_“He’s gonna love me! You don’t understand! I’m gonna have him and he’s gonna be mine forever.”_

_With those last words, the man slammed the door closed._

_Inside his room, no one was there._

 

************

 

 

 

 

 

When Brian woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he wasn’t on the bus. He remembered Aj trying to wake him up but he had turned away. Then, he heard voices, someone had picked him up, he thought that it had been Kevin and he felt protected.

Even though he still had to open his eyes, the mattress he was lying on was far softer than the couch on Aj’s bus. Just to be sure, he tended his ears and the lack of the typical sounds while travelling told him that he was probably in one of the hotel rooms in their next city. He didn’t remember where they were supposed to be, a lot of things were still blurred in his mind.

Still, he felt his mind clearer than it hadn’t been in the last days. He still felt tired and he would have gladly turned over and gone back to sleep, even though he didn’t know if he would be lucky enough to not make any other nightmare.

Panic, fear and hurt were waiting for him, hidden in that shattered place that was his soul but, in that moment, Brian found the strength necessary to keep them in their shadows.

Maybe, it had been the resting sleep he finally managed to get or, maybe, he was just tired to keep thinking about what happened.

Yes, he had been raped. Yes, it had shattered him. But he was still alive, still breathing and without any damage to prevent him to do his job.

And, through all this, he had found an amazing friend in Aj.

The thought brought him a smile, a warmth that melt some of the numbness still lingering in his heart.

Aj was more than a friend. When he thought he had lost everything, Aj had been there, holding out a hand.

There had been a moment when he had really considered giving up, hiding forever in his room and just laying in the bed, shutting everyone out. Suicide didn’t appealed him, mostly because he knew how much precious life was, having risked it twice. But he couldn’t denied its attractions, how it could dissolve any hurt, any breaking.

He stretched, repressing a moan as his back protested to that sudden movement.

He was tired of thinking about the bad things, how could he possibly heal if he keep bringing up what he had to erase?

So much depended on him, so many people were looking up at him and he couldn’t let them down.

Mostly, he couldn’t let himself down.

What was another bump in the road? He had surpassed things harder, hell, he fought and won over death.

A new force hit him and he felt more alive than ever. He wanted to get better, he wanted to heal and find a new self. That was his goal.

And, really, he wasn’t alone. Aj was there, beside him every step the way. He was so courageous, facing his own monsters just to help him through all. The little hints he shared, the wisdom behind his words that made him older than his real age. He needed to step up mostly because of Aj, mostly because he wanted to show him how much his words had given a new hope and a new strength.

“Oh, Sleeping Beauty is finally awake. And without a kiss from her prince.”

Hearing the raspy sound of Aj’s voice, Brian opened his eyes and flash a small smile in his direction. How could he not feeling a small ray of happiness when Aj greeted him with a funny comment? That... yes, that was what was keeping him alive, giving him a sense of normality.

“You are my Prince Charming? Oh boy, why aren’t you in your costume?”

“Blue doesn’t suit me. I prefer black.” Aj joked while sitting on the bed a few inches far from Brian. He was... shocked, happy shocked to see Brian like that: even if it was dim, a new light was shining in his eyes, like he had found a small piece of peace. “So, I guess you’re feeling better.”

“Sleep do that to you, you know? I’m still tired but… no nightmares.” Brian scooted back a little, motioning Aj to come closer. “I’m not that frail, Jay. And, before you can ask, yes, I will eat a little for breakfast.”

Aj was stunned.

“Wow, I managed to shut you up.”

“It’s kinda surprising the change, Bri.” Aj answered. “Yesterday you looked so broken and now… I’m not going to say that it’s like nothing has happened but that’s something different in your attitude.”

“I’ve done some thinking. I’m not okay and it will be a rough way to catch up and feel like normal again. But I can’t keep swimming in an ocean of hurt and negative thinking. Because one day the waves will pull me under and I don’t know if I will be able to come up again. And... it could have been worse. That man could have killed me or kidnapped me and that’s more terrifying.”

“Don’t downplay your situation. Yes, it could have been much worse but it is still something very serious and bad ”

“I’m not, really.” Brian said, touching briefly Aj’s fingers before grasping them in a tight grip. “But I want to focus on the good things and on healing. I’m not alone and what happened... isn’t something I should be ashamed of. I didn’t want it, sure, and I didn’t look for it but... I didn’t deserve it either. Is it unfair? Yes, it’s so damned unfair but crying and being just depressed won’t change the fact that I’ve... I’ve been... raped.” He stuttered the last words, still having some problems admitting out loud that reality. He looked up to Aj’s face and all he saw in those chocolate eyes was pure support and love. “I’m not alone. I’ve got you and I’m so lucky cause... you’re the only one who really knows what I’m going through. I know it’s hard for you, watching me going through the demons you have defeated. And... you were alone through this and still look at you now: strong, confident and not ashamed to show your weakness and admitting that you need help.”

Aj knew that Brian’s words were dictated by only their friendship, how could he possibly think about love whit all that he was going through but... still, it was uplifting to know how much admiration Brian held for him. Some of it he didn’t deserved because he brought himself a lot of troubles while Brian didn’t do anything.  

At loss of words, Aj squeezed Brian’s hand, feeling that words couldn’t really explain how powerful and deep was that moment: here Brian was willing to give up control, to give up fighting him back and letting himself taking care.

“I’m not saying that I will be back to my old self, smiling, joking and hugging everyone. The mere thought of it still panics me a little.” As if it had been summoned, a small tremor passed through their fingers tangled up together. “But I won’t hide anymore. I won’t let this ruining me more than it already done.”

“That’s very brave.” Aj whispered, still amazed by all that.

“I’m not. I’m still scared about going out, still scared to tell the guys and let them near me. But I’m looking forward the day when I won’t be scared. That’s my goal and I’m going to fight with all my powers to succeed.”

“You want to tell the others?” Aj asked in surprise. He thought he had to fight with Brian, he thought that knowing that the others knew would just push Brian back inside himself, making Brian pushing him away.

“Nick already knows, right? And he didn’t run away or... pity me,. Kevin would be a little thick ‘cause I know he would rather cancel everything and send me back home but he will respect my whishes. And with you and a little help from Howie, I think we can restrain his protectiveness.”  

Aj stayed silent, biting his lips to prevent words he didn’t want to say.

“Jay, what’s wrong? You... you don’t think that they will support me?” Brian’s voice raised up a little, a tiny feeling of panic rushing over him: gosh, maybe he had been too optimistic, maybe they would run away or tell him that it was only his fault and...

“Bri, no, no! I don’t think that!” Aj had recognized the emotion between that hitching and the way his breathing had speed up. “Calm down, hon. It’s not that, It’s quite the opposite.”

Brian tensed up. “What?”

“When we made the stop, you were sleeping. So I went to pick up some things and talked with Howie. He told me that he already knew. Kinda... put all the pieces together since he saw you that night.”

“Oh my.” Brian moaned, putting a hand on his face.

“He said he knew a girl who went through it so he recognized the signs. And Kevin was there so… well… he knows too.”

“He knows?”

“Yes and although he doesn’t like he’s willing to stand back and letting you have all the space and time you need. Just one word and he’s ready to call management and tell them to fuck off the tour because you’re more important.”

Brian let go of Aj’s hand and curled up, resting his forehead against his knees. That information changed

everything and he didn’t know how to react: he wanted to be angry, wanted to be pissed but mostly on himself ‘cause he hadn’t be able to cover what happened. But, in the meantime, he felt relief: he didn’t’ have to tell, didn’t have to look in their eyes while saying that someone attacked him in the most private way and he let himself react. A wave of shame run through him and when he felt Aj’s hand on his he recoiled back, just by instinct.

“They won’t come near you or talk if you don’t want, Brian.” Aj pleaded, more worried that he could let show. It had taken just one thing to bring Brian back to square one.

Gosh, how was he supposed to tell him about the crazy man?

Small steps. Now he had just to focus on Brian, solely on him and not everything else. So he started whispering soothing words meaningless while trying to reach for him. This time, when he tried to take one hand, Brian didn’t shriek back and Aj let out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

“Sorry. I... I didn’t mean to freak out.” Brian managed to say after awhile, embarrassed about losing control so quickly. Guess he was still too messed up to have a steady hold on his emotions.

“Hey, it’s not something you can decide.” Aj joked, although those words held a simple truth.

Brian nodded a little shakily, trying to slow down his ragged breathing as he intertwining his fingers with Aj’s, the infinite warmth beneath them relaxed him somewhat. He knew that Aj deserved a little explanation and that was the whole point of his reflections: he had to let go of some fears and thoughts in order to heal and Aj was the best choice as confidant. That didn’t mean that he had to tell every little detail because Aj would understand without having a clear vision.

“You expected me to be pissed, right?”

Aj sighed, sitting more comfortable on the bed. “I don’t know. The only thing I was sure was that you wouldn’t like everyone to know what happened.”

Brian nodded. “I don’t like it, in fact. And I’m... angry? I don’t know, I thought I was doing a good job hiding and to realize that I’m that bad... – a weak laughter bubbled out from his throat. – But then I imagined me telling Kevin what happened and I know I couldn’t do it. Standing there, in front of him and telling how... how weak I was... it’s better this way.”

Aj wanted to tell him that he hadn’t been weak but he knew that right now those words would mean nothing to Brian.

“Look at the bright side. Now, you don’t have to hide anymore. You don’t have to worry so much about what people would thought if they see you a little depressed or sad or you don’t want to be touched.”

“I can focus only on myself.” Brian realized. “It had been a waste of energies: hiding, trying to hold everything and fearing people’s words. I can’t afford it anymore.”

“That’s a good way to see it. I’ve learned that lesson in the hard way, you know? But in rehab, I realized that sometimes you have to put yourself first, even if it comes out as being selfish. It’s natural to want to heal without people hovering on you and telling you how you should act or behave. Everyone’s different and everyone has a different way of coping. But even the most unselfish person has to think of himself or he won’t be able to help other people.”

“People don’t think you as the wise one.” Brian whispered, finding an inch of courage to raise his other hand and let it rest on Aj’s cheek. “People always assume that you only think about sex, parties and that you don’t give a damn about the others.”

Aj reacted with a grin, still he wasn’t used to receive that kind of compliment. “People can fuck themselves with their opinion!”

Brian, in that moment, felt something that he couldn’t think it was possible to feel so quickly: being there, talking to Aj and touching him, yes trembling, but without that itching panic that something was bound to happen, he felt totally comfortable and he wished to have a little small inch of courage to lay his head on Aj’s chest and let himself be enveloped in his arms.

That thought scared him, maybe not so much to start a new wave of panic, but strong enough to drop his hand like Aj’s skin had burned him.

“Maybe it’s time to focus on eating a little.” Aj said, rolling on his side to pick up the phone.

“Jay...”

“No, it’s okay. Remember? Focus on the good, you being able to touch me, and not the bad fact that it lasted not so long.”

“Thanks.”

“Okay, Mister. What do you want to eat for breakfast?”

“Mh...” Brian thought about it. He wasn’t feeling nauseous neither like his stomach had been turned in stone. No, for the first time, the thought of food was appealing. “Coffee, of course!”

“You know that you’re addicted?”

“You can’t get addicted to coffee, it’s not possible!”  Brian replied in a phantom of shock. “Coffee is a mere way to survive.”

“Oh, yes. Keep believe it. But you get only one cup today. No need to stress more your nerves.”

Brian pouted. “It’s not fair.” He joked, knowing that Aj was right about no needing to be jumpier than he already was.

“Live with it.”

“Okay, so can I change the coffee with a good cappuccino? With a lot of cream?”

Aj started to dial the number of the reception. “What else?”

Brian tapped his fingers against his lips. “Pancakes. Some strawberries and waffles.”

“As your wish.” Aj replied before passing his order at the lady at the phone. He was ready to put down the phone when Brian tapped him on his shoulder. “Can you ask if they have some apple pie?”

Aj tilted back his dead and let out a laughter. How could he refuse that?

 

 

 

****************

 

 

 

Aj sat on the couch, smiling as he looked at Brian eating his piece of cake. In front of him, the cup of cappuccino was stewing and Brian had added a little bit of chocolate, trying to draw a funny face on the cream.

It seemed like everything was back at normal, if it wasn’t for those few moments when Brian looked lost in his thoughts, his eyes dulling over in a grayish shade that meant that he was thinking about what happened.

Most people thought that Brian was easy to read, a combination of good and happy mode that seemed to be eternal in the man. And that because Brian tended to hold in, worrying and sad when no one was looking.

But in those few days, Aj had come to learn a little more about him, on how to understand when his mood changed.

He still had to tell him about that guy but his resolution was tumbling down under the weight of what would happen when he would speak up: Brian was there, trying to pick up the pieces, smiling more than he had ever done in the last days and he couldn’t be the reason of another breakdown.

One day more couldn’t make this huge difference: yes, Brian deserved to know and he would tell him, but not when he was so determined to live a little and not dwell on the hurt.

“Can you stop a little worrying about me?” The sweet tone brought him back to reality and Aj raised up his head, locking his eyes in Brian’s.

“Sorry but...” he never had the chance to say more ‘cause a knock on the door stopped the laid back feeling in the air.

Brian tensed up, the motiveless fear that whoever was outside was there with the purpose to hurt him fought his way from the hidden place he shoved it. He wanted to hide, making himself invisible but... no, he wasn’t letting that part of him win. Aj was there to protect him and, if he didn’t want, he would send away everyone.

“I’m Nick. S’okay if I come in?”

Aj looked at Brian. Swallowing, Brian managed a shaky nod.

He went to the door and opened it for Nick. “He’s awake. Don’t get mad if he doesn’t come near or don’t touch you.” He warned him as he lead him to the main room.

“Hey.” Nick managed to say, stepping in the middle of the living room.

“Hey.”

A thick blanket of silence fell between them, a strange feeling since never had Brian and Nick felt like they couldn’t speak with each other.

It was Brian who broke that moment, gesturing Nick to sit on one of the chairs. “Want to join us? I don’t think I can eat all of this.”

“You shouldn’t have ordered this much.” Aj slipped in, picking up a strawberry.

“Well, I just said what I wanted. You added the rest!”

“I was hungry too!”

“Well, we know that your stomach doesn’t have a end.”

“Me? Me? Nick, tell him that he’s wrong! I don’t eat that much!”

Nick was too shocked to reply. He had expected Brian to be that broken man he saw on the bus last night, he had expected him to be a shadow of the man he loved once but here, sitting on the chair in front of him, and bickering jokes with Aj. Relief swept through him, as well as the sense that he had managed to get one thing right telling Aj to look after Brian.

“It’s not Aj’s fault if you have the stomach the size of a bird.”

“You should side with me not with him!”

Nick let the laughter died a little before turning serious. “Are you okay? I mean, no okay at all cause you can’t be only after three days but... just... after last night?”

“I’m not okay. I feel better, thanks to Aj.” Brian replied softly, glancing a loving gaze towards Aj. “I’m sorry for what happened last night.”

Nick wanted to jump on and take Brian in his arms, telling how stupid he was for saying sorry for something he couldn’t decide. But he couldn’t.

Once they were lovers, now he was the constant memory of the man who ruined him.

“Don’t. If I had known, I would have made sure we weren’t sharing a bus.”

“Blame me for that. I’ve made my bed, I didn’t want everybody to know, especially you. Don’t feel guilty, don’t blame yourself for something you aren’t responsible of.”

“You are... special, you know? I’m the one who should comfort you not the other way around.”

“Let me be myself while I can. I won’t stop worrying about you only because you aren’t lovers anymore. And... thanks for yesterday, when you stepped in between me and Kevin.”

“No need. I saw you panicking and Kevin can be really scaring.” Nick replied while biting down one of the strawberries left on Brian’s plate.

Brian glanced over Aj. “See what I said last morning?”

At first, Aj didn’t get what Brian was talking about but then he saw Nick stealing another fruit and Aj started laughing.

“Why is he laughing?”

“Nothing, Nick. Nothing at all.” Brian said and, without even realizing, he put his hand over Nick’s. It was so natural, a gesture they’ve always treasured because, when they started dating, it was all that they could do while being with the others.

Nick dropped his strawberry half bitten and stared down at their hands.

“Jay... look.” Brian whispered in pure amazement. He didn’t feel any fear, he didn’t feel the constant itching of scratching himself. Just like when he touched Aj, he felt nothing but love coming from Nick’s hand.

“Oh.” Was all Aj could reply, a flame of jealousy starting to burn inside him, though he didn’t know why he felt that way

As if Brian could sense it, he let go of Nick’s hand and brought it on his lap.

Nick looked back and forth between the two guys, wondering what in hell was going on. Shouldn’t Aj be happy that Brian was confident in touching him?

“Think I’m going to take a shower. Do we have some interviews today?” Brian asked while sitting up, his plate still half eaten.

“No. I mean. Me and Howie got some radio shows but you and Aj are clear ‘till the concert tonight.”

“Oh, okay.” 

“Kevin told me to say that if you don’t feel up, it’s takes just one word for him to cancel it and give you more time to rest.”

Aj held his breath. He knew the conflict that was forming inside Brian’s mind, he could quite see it on his face or in the way he had started to torture his fingernails.

“I... I let you know.” Brian answered before disappearing inside the bedroom.

Aj got up and started piling the dishes, making a note to himself to put away some of the cake in case Brian wanted it later.

“It’s a good sign, right?” Nick’s voice emerged from the silence they were in for a minute. “I mean, he was joking, bickering with you and...” he didn’t add the touching part.

“Yes, I guess. He seemed to be okay with you guys knowing But he had dealt only with me and you. Howie knows how to act but Kevin... is a giant question.”

“I’ve talked a little with him. He’s at loss, he doesn’t know how to act or how to balance his protection towards Brian and Brian’s needs. It’s kinda strange, I’ve always thought Kevin had all the answers and now he’s the one looking around because he doesn’t know how to deal.”

Aj motioned to Nick that he wanted to go outside and smoke a little. He needed to let out some of the stress and, plus, the terrace was linked to the bedroom so he could keep an ear if Brian needed something.

“Jay, it’s something wrong?”

“Kevin isn’t the only one who doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

“Why? I mean, look at Brian! You have done some kind of miracle.”

“Point is that I haven’t done nothing. That’s... that’s all Brian and his infinite strength. Can you believe that he woke up and decided to fight instead that dwell on the bad?”

Nick looked over the window of the bedroom. “Yes, I can. Because that’s my Brian. Remember the period of the surgery? At first, he was numb. He stayed with me after the visit and... he just stayed in his room for a whole day. Then, the morning after, I woke up ready to call Kevin cause I didn’t know what to do anymore and there he was cooking. He just had to reach the bottom to climb his way over the top.”

“I know.” Aj answered while lighting his cigarette. “But don’t think it will be only a smooth ride.”

“That I expected. But... it give you some hope, no?”

“Yes, that too.”

“But there is something else. Don’t do the same mistake, Jay. Talk to me.”

“I don’t think that it was a random rape, Nick. That man... is following him.”

“What?”

“Don’t scream! Brian doesn’t know for now.”

“And you aren’t going to tell him, right?”

“Why shouldn’t I? He deserves to know.”

“Even if it shatters him once again?”

“Yes.” Aj replied, not quite sure himself. “Now he’s trusting me because we tell each other the truth. If he finds out that I keep this from him...”

“He’s not going to trust you anymore. Yeah, I can see the logic.” Nick, frustrated, kicked a pot. “Are you sure it was him?”

“Yeah. He warned me that he was going to visit soon _our_ friend.”

“Damn. What are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know. I thought about reporting him, tightened up the security but I can’t go to the police without Brian. He’s the one who has to do that. And I don’t know if he’s ready to go through a police’s investigation.”

Nick looked up. “He doesn’t have to.”

“What?”

“I mean, he doesn’t have to say that that man raped him. It takes only a quick push to justify a much tighter security. And if you say that he threatened you to come back for more...”

“It wasn’t really a threat since there was like a crowd of fans between us.” Aj pointed out. But it was still something, something that could put a barrier between Brian and his stalker.

“Let me make some calls and see what we can do. I know some people in the police, some of them know Brian too so maybe they can pull some strings.”

Aj looked at him perplexed. “Why do you know police?” he asked, even though he wanted to know more why Brian was involved.

“Oh, back when my parents were fighting over my custody or Aaron’s. Sometimes we would hide over Brian’s.” Nick explained without revealing too much about that past. “Go take care of Brian, I’m taking care about this.

He started to leave but then thought about something. “Jay, I know we haven’t been that close since your rehab thing and stuff. But... you’re not alone in this. Now that everyone know, we can help you taking care of Brian. No one is going to hurt him anymore.”

Aj smiled gratefully and, brushing away the ashes, he went towards the bedroom’s window.

And that was when he heard the high – pitched scream coming from the bathroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian closed the bathroom door and lied down on the toilet his clothes.

He had to get away, although he didn’t know why. Well, he didn’t know the reason why of most of his behaving in the last days but... it was like the room had started to suffocate him, the smell of food had became suddenly too much persistent and Aj’s expression when he showed him he could touch Nick without panicking.

Yes, that was why he was hidden in the bathroom. Why he was bothered? Shouldn’t he be happy for him?

And yet, instead of being mad at Aj, he wanted to go to him and hugged him.

What the hell was happening with his feelings?

So he thought about Nick, how simple had been stating there with him even thought the resemblance was terrifying. Nick, his little Nicky, the little brother he had promised he would have always look after. He didn’t like seeing worrying lines on his face, he shouldn’t be preoccupied about him.

Brian cleared his mind, he didn’t need that upon everything, he needed to focus on himself and getting on track.

Adjusting the water, Brian entered in the shower and let the warm water washing over him. He sighed and tried to not think about everything, just letting his mind closed off and be numb for awhile.

Without any barriers anymore, the images he wished he had forgotten came back. Everything felt like he was back in that public restroom, everything smelled like that horrible place. He turned the water to the maximum cold possible, maybe it could freeze those memories somewhere they couldn’t hurt him anymore. Ice started to hit his skin, freezing and hurting him but the hands… gosh, he could feel those hands upon him, grabbing him with force he couldn’t fight anymore.

No, no, no, no! No! He had to stop them!

Abruptly, he closed off the shower and stepped outside, shivering as the cold air met his already colder skin. It didn’t matter, he had something in mind.

With trembling hands he took the towel and dried himself, quickly putting up his clothes ‘cause he didn’t want to see again the marks, marks that still had to fade away.

So lost in his thoughts, he didn’t realized that he had started to search for his razor inside Aj’s bag. He realized it when his hands came up with a box of condoms.

At first, he just putted them aside but something kept ringing in his mind, demanding to be heard.

There was a link missing, how could condoms be important right now? He knew that Aj had very active sexual life and, aside from making him a little jealous, it didn’t matter. As long as he was safe and he wasn’t selling himself anymore for drugs, Aj could go with whom he wanted.

He finally found his razor and started to shave but his eyes kept glancing over the box of condoms.

Fear hit him first.

Then came the realization.

When he had been raped... oh no, freaking God no, that couldn’t be true!

He could overcome everything, he knew deep inside that he could heal over the scars left from a rape. But... no, oh sweet mother, no that!

He dropped the razor, its clashing against the porcelain echoed in the room but all he could hear was the buzz in his ears and his heart beating furiously against his chest. 

He opened the faucet, turning the water so damned hot that soon steam started to cloud the mirror: he scrubbing his hands, raw and hard that it started to burn but he didn’t care. He even didn’t know why he was reacting that way, if he had been inf...

The scream, sticking in his throat, clawed its way up, tearing down all the defenses Brian had put he was too far in his shock to hold it down.

With a last shove, the scream ripped its way free and burst in the room, echoing through the walls.

It was a nightmare without an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable11.html


	12. Eleventh Chapter

Eleventh Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Without even pausing to think about what to do, AJ was flying through the balcony door and into the hotel room. He vaguely saw Nick running as well. Both were heading toward the same place. The bathroom. Brian was in the bathroom. AJ knew that scream; recognized who it belonged to. He also recognized the terror that was in it. 

Without a qualm he ducked around Nick and darted into the bathroom doorway. Once there, he froze. Brian was standing in the middle of the bathroom, hands lifted and gripping in his hair, little gasping sounds falling from his lips. It was a heart wrenching sight. Shivers and shudders ran up and down that compact frame so strongly that AJ wondered how the hell Brian was still on his feet. All over the counter in front of him was what looked to be the contents of AJ’s toiletries bag. 

Making a soft sound of distress in the back of his throat, Nick tried to step forward but was blocked when AJ threw a hand up. He opened his mouth to protest but changed his mind when he saw AJ’s face. He wasn’t even paying Nick any more attention. 

AJ was busy surveying the area around Brian. Looking all over to try to figure out what might have set this off. His heart wanted to rush in and wrap Brian in a tight hug. His brain knew that right now he wouldn’t be welcome. He would be able to help better if he knew what he was up against. So he scanned the area, trying to see if there was something in here that had set him off. 

Obviously it had something to do with whatever had been in that bag. But, what was it? A toothbrush and toothpaste wouldn’t set him off. There was dental floss, some store brand ibuprofen, a few razors…was it the razors? Had those set Brian to thinking about suicide? 

That sent a chill down AJ’s spine. He took a small step into the room, hands held loosely on either side of him. No, there was no blood, none of the shaving razors were broken. None of the blades had been taken out. So, not suicide. Then, what? The only other thing on the counter was a box of condoms. 

Condoms. 

With one blinding flash, AJ knew what it was that had upset Brian. God, what an idiot he’d been for not thinking of this sooner. He’d worked so hard on not asking Brian any more than he wanted to give that he hadn’t even asked one of the most important questions. Had the man protected himself? Now he could see, the answer was obviously no. 

Just as he was trying to figure out how to approach Brian, something seemed to click in the older man. Brian dropped his hands from his hair and, with a loud scream of pain and rage, swiped his hands over the counter, sending everything flying to the floor. He kicked at them, bringing one fist up like he was about to hit the wall. 

That took the decision away from AJ. He shot forward, knowing that Brian was going to panic as soon as he did this and also knowing that he was most likely going to be sore as hell by the time this was done and over with. Even with that knowledge, AJ did the only thing he could. When he reached Brian he wrapped his arms around him, pinning Brian’s arms to his sides so he couldn’t damage either the bathroom or himself. 

As AJ had known would happen, though, it instantly sent Brian’s panic into overdrive. The older man screamed again, bucking his whole body to try and break free, slamming his head straight back into AJ’s face. 

He managed to move quick enough that Brian didn’t break his nose, but he did hit it enough to make it hurt like hell and to have it bleeding. AJ ignored it. 

“Brian, sweetheart, it’s Alex. It’s me. I’ve got you. You need to calm down, ok? Come on, calm down for me.” AJ kept up his soothing litany, trying to break through Brian’s terror enough for him to hear AJ talking. He knew that once Brian heard his voice he would know it was safe. But he had to break past all that fear first. “Come on, Brian, come on. You’re not there. I’m not him. This is me, Alex. I’m right here with you. I’m just holding you so you don’t hurt yourself. I won’t hurt you, I promise that. I won’t hurt you.” 

“No!” Brian shrieked. He threw his body again, thrashing around to try and break free. “No, not again! No!  _No_!” He kicked his feet back, aiming for anything he could reach. 

Grunting against the assault on his shins, AJ flipped Brian around, still keeping him in the ring of his arms. But this brought their faces close together. “Brian!” He snapped, forcing his voice to be sharp and hard. It actually cut through Brian’s scream for a minute, stopping his fists in mid hit against AJ’s chest. 

Recognition lit Brian’s face. Then everything crumbled underneath fear and heartbreak. “Let go of me.” Brian said hoarsely. “Don’t touch me. You can’t touch me.” 

“I am touching you.” AJ pulled Brian’s stiff body closer, melding them together as best as he could. He ignored the tension that still gripped Brian, making his muscles unyielding. “I’m touching you and nothing’s happening.” He dipped his head down, letting the sides of their heads press together so that they were staring over one another’s shoulders. Brian’s hands had dropped limply to his sides by now. 

A small shudder ran down Brian. “I’m not…he didn’t…I mean.” The words didn’t seem to want to come, but AJ understood. 

He forgot totally about Nick still standing in the doorway. The both of them did. Feeling his heart throb at the disgust and agony that marred Brian’s voice, AJ sought only to soothe. “Brian, do you think I’m dirty?” he asked him gently. “Do you think I shouldn’t touch anyone?” 

“No.” Brian whispered quickly. “But, it’s not the same…” 

“Yes, it is. You just haven’t thought about that part of things yet. I had the same fear, Bri. I did. I couldn’t even remember the incidents half the time. How would I have known if I was protected?” For Brian, only for him, AJ dredged into the deepest part of his heart yet again, exposing his own fears and his own pain in the hope that he’d ease some of Brian’s pain. He didn’t think about his young friend who was silently listening to this all with tears standing in his eyes. “I have no idea how many people, men or women, that I slept with and if I was protected with any of them. When you’re drunk or high you don’t think of that shit. Hell, Bri, you know that I can’t even remember doing it half the time I was so loaded. Protected? I doubt I ever was.” 

“You understand then.” A soft hiccup over AJ’s shoulder. “Let go of me. Until I know, I can’t… if I am, if I have…” He obviously had a hard time putting his fears into words; every time he tried he started to stutter. 

AJ rubbed his hands over Brian’s back. “We’ll take you in, we’ll get you tested. That’s all it takes. A test now, a test in a few months, then a test at six months from now and at a year. I’ve done it. I’m due for another here before too long. I’ll go with you if you want. But it’s ok. This is not your fault.” He wanted to make that clear. “No matter what, don’t start feeling guilty. Don’t blame yourself.” 

Another shudder ripped through Brian. “I can’t take it. I hate this, Alex. I hate this. I feel just…I feel dirty. I feel…” A sob cut off what he’d been saying. 

Instead of trying to stop the tears, AJ rubbed his back more and murmured soothingly to him. “You will do this. You’re so strong, Bri. You’re not alone, either. I’m here. I won’t leave you alone because of this. You’re not dirty, sweetheart. Neither of us are.” 

“But what if, I mean, what if he gave, what if I have…” 

“Then we’ll deal with it when it comes.” AJ told him practically. He pulled back enough to look in Brian’s face. Now that he knew there was no immediate danger, AJ relaxed his grip, letting his hands slide to rest lightly on Brian’s arms. “You are not alone in this, you hear me? You are not alone.” 

That snapped the last thread of Brian’s control. He dissolved in tears and did the one thing that took more energy than anything else. He let himself collapse into AJ’s arms as he sobbed his heart out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

Wiping tears from his cheeks, Nick backed slowly out of the bathroom. His heart throbbed with each step he took away from that bathroom. He knew that, right now, the thing those two would need most was privacy. So he was giving it to them by leaving the hotel room. But the sounds of Brian’s sobs followed Nick out to the hallway, filling his ears and making him want to cry. 

God, Brian sounded so hurt! So…broken. He’d been acting strong for a while there and that was something that Nick had expected. That was just the kind of guy Brian was. He had such an inner strength. Underneath all that goofiness there was a will like iron. 

A hand gently touched Nick’s shoulder, one he recognized and trusted. Because of that he allowed that hand to steer him into another room. Then, to turn him and take him into a warm embrace. Nick let himself lean against Kevin, knowing that here he was safe to break for a few minutes. 

After a few minutes Nick managed to bring himself back under control enough that he could step back from Kevin. He raised a hand to wipe at his face but Kevin caught it, shaking his head. He held a tissue out to Nick. “You always try to use your sleeve or something like that.” Kevin said fondly. 

Nick took the tissue and wiped his cheeks off before blowing his nose. “Thanks.” 

“Want to talk about it?” 

Instinctively, Nick started to say no. He had opened his mouth with every intention of turning Kevin down. So it was a surprise even to him when he said “I hate watching this, Kev.” 

Kevin leaned against the wall, controlling the urge to go and soothe his friend. “You mean all of this with Brian?” He asked quietly. 

“He was doing so well! I went to visit and he was joking with me and eating and he even reached out and touched me. I mean, it was great Kev.” Nick wrapped his arms around his waist, the tissue now clenched in his fist, forgotten. “He went to go take a shower and Age and I were talking. I was a little worried cause when Bri touched me, J didn’t look real happy. But we got things all squared away, all that jazz. I stepped back in the room. Then I heard Brian scream.”

 

Nick shuddered slightly. He could still hear Brian’s scream echoing in his ears. “J beat me in there. Wouldn’t let me go to Bri.” Closing his eyes he saw Brian all over again, trembling in the middle of that bathroom, making those pitiful little sounds. “He freaked out and started knocking shit off the counter, screaming. J shot out and grabbed him. Fuck, Kev, he got knocked in the face, he’ll be lucky if his nose isn’t broken.” 

That had Kevin standing up straight again. “Brian broke AJ’s nose?” He asked in surprise. 

“Well, Bri threw his head back and knocked AJ in the face. He was bleeding and shit. But that, that I could deal with. It was, God I wish you could have seen it. Bri thought he was being attacked again.” 

“I can only imagine. Poor Brian.” Kevin’s heartbreak was evident in his voice. 

“I didn’t understand a lot of what they were saying at first. Bri was like, half saying his sentences but I guess J understood. After a bit I figured out what they were talking about. He…he realized he the guy hadn’t, well, that he hadn’t used protection.” Stumbling over the last part, Nick finally managed to spit it out. 

He watched as recognition dawned on Kevin’s face, followed closely by horror. “Oh my God.” 

“Age told him that he’ll take him in for the tests and shit. That he won’t let him be alone.” 

“Good.” That seemed to ease Kevin just a little. “AJ will take care of him.” 

That had Nick looking over at Kevin. He remembered what AJ had said to Brian, what he had realized about AJ that he hadn’t known before. Did…did Kevin know about that too? That thought bothered Nick. Did everybody but him get to know about things? Had they all known about this side of AJ’s life and had kept it from him? “You knew, didn’t you?” Nick asked in with annoyance. 

Kevin looked at him curiously. “Knew? Knew what, Nick?” 

“You’re not fooling me. You knew about Age, didn’t you? God, did everyone but me know? I mean, I knew he slept with people when he was high and shit, but I didn’t know it was like that!” 

Hands gripped Nick’s arms, turning him so that he was facing a very annoyed looking Kevin. “What the hell are you talking about, Nick?” The older man demanded. He looked honestly confused. Realization sank in for Nick. Kevin hadn’t known.  God. AJ was going to kill him now. He was going to fucking flip if he found out Nick was telling his secrets. 

It was too late to take it all back, though. He couldn’t cover it up, not against Kevin. He was stuck finishing it. “Age was telling Brian he understood. That he knew what it was to be afraid of having contracted something. He said something about not knowing how many women and men he slept with and how he was drunk or high or whatever most the time. He said he doesn’t even remember having sex half the time, he was so loaded.”

For a moment Kevin stared at him, his hands tight on Nick’s arms. Just when Nick was ready to speak up, to ask Kevin to let go of him before he bruised him, Kevin let go to spin and slam his fist into the wall. “How many?” he swore heatedly. “How many times am I going to fail everyone? I was there for Brian before when I should have been. It took me forever to notice AJ’s addiction and apparently I never even noticed that he was whoring himself the whole time, or that he had all these fears of being infected with something.” 

The self-hatred in Kevin had Nick reaching a hand out, wanting to be the one to soothe now.  But Kevin stepped back from him. “No.” He said, his voice firm. “I’ve fucked up before. I’m not fucking up again.” Turning, Kevin walked over to the hotel room’s phone. 

“What’re you doing?” Nick asked him. 

“I’m doing what I need to. I’m helping my friends.” Dialing a few numbers, Kevin held the phone to his ear and looked at Nick. “I’m canceling the show tonight.” 

Nick looked at him and nodded. He was right. It was the right choice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night someone else received the same news but their reaction was quite different. He stood outside the arena, waiting in line to go inside, when the announcement came over the speakers. Due to illness, the Backstreet Boys would not be performing this night. Not performing? Not  _performing_? How dare they! Fury had the man shaking, his hands clenched in fists on either side of him. 

Laughter echoed mockingly in his mind. “Your precious little singer bailed on you.” Whispered a haunting voice. The man rolled his neck, trying to block that voice out. He didn’t want to hear it. “Yeah, ignore me. See how long it last. It serves you right! He’ll never want you.” 

“Shut up!” The man whispered furiously. He ignored the looks he received. None of them knew the truth. None of them understood. 

How dare Brian not come here tonight? How dare he cancel a show when he was supposed to be here, performing! Tonight he had planned on making contact with Brian. Leaving him a little gift in his changing room. But now he wasn’t here. Furious, the man glared up at the sign above the arena that showed the word “Cancelled.” 

A voice cut through his silent ranting, drawing his attention back to the world. Could it be? Was it really…Brian? 

He looked to the side and saw a mop of blond curls. Slightly taller than Brian, yes, and not as muscled. But he had the hair and the eyes. Even the twang. The man found himself moving, following this guy as he walked away from the arena, following him down the road. He followed his Brian lookalike until he was wandering alone down a street, until he couldn’t handle it anymore. 

There was no one in sight as he caught up to him. “Hey!” he called out. 

The guy turned a little, looking over his shoulder. “Um, hi.” His voice was hesitant, shy, with that warm country sound to it. Warmth filled the man. This wasn’t Brian, but he was so close, so perfect. 

“Hey. I saw you back there at the concert. I was there too.” He flashed a smile before sticking out a hand. “I’m Zach.” 

The guy looked down at Zach’s hand then back up at his face. “Nice to meet you, but I’m on my way home right now, so if you’ll excuse me…” 

“Well now,” Zach jogged forward to keep up with him. “No need to be rude. I was just being friendly.” 

The man ignored him, walking along and staring straight ahead. In Zach’s mind he heard that same voice again, laughing at him, taunting him. “He doesn’t want you. Just like the rest of us, he knows what you are. A freak. A murderer!” 

“Go away.” He mumbled. 

Another voice, another lover, pulsed at Zach’s temples. “You killed us, Zach. We’re not going away that easy. We want to watch you fail. Watch you fall. You’ll never have your little lover boy.” 

“I will!” Zach shouted out, startling the man he was following. With a roar of rage, Zach grabbed the strangers arm and flung him down the alley at their side. The man screamed, his eyes going wide as he hit the pavement. 

Zach advanced on him, fury rippling down his muscles. In his insanity he saw Brian lying on the pavement below him. His angel. “Why’d you cancel the show, Brian?” He demanded. One hand snaked out, grabbing a fistful of ‘Brian’s’ shirt and yanking him to his feet. “I was coming to see you! I had a present and everything for you!” 

“I’m not him!” The man exclaimed. He sobbed when Zach punched him in the gut, almost knocking him to the ground again. “I’m not Brian!” He wheezed out. “Please, I was just there for the show! I’m not him!” 

Zach punched him again, this time letting him drop to the ground. “Lies!” he shrieked. Dropping down, he grabbed the guys shirt and lifted him, slamming his head back into the pavement. “I love you! We’re meant to be together, don’t you know that? I would’ve given you everything!” He screamed. 

The man begged underneath him, begging for his life, knowing that insanity lurked in this man’s eyes. 

The voices in Zach’s head were taunting him, torturing him. He would make them go away. He would do it! He’d show them and he’d show Brian that he wasn’t someone to be fucked with. He’d make it all go away. He’d make it stop. He had to stop the screaming. They were screaming in his mind, the guy was screaming below him. He had to make the screaming stop! 

A knife was in his hand, he didn’t remember pulling it from his pocket, and then he was slamming it into the body underneath him. Over and over and over he stabbed. He had to stop the screaming! He had to! 

Finally, thank God, the screams finally stopped. Zach looked down at the body underneath him with disgust. He could see now that this wasn’t Brian. No, this wans’t his Brian. It was just another pathetic substitute. 

He rose to his feet, the body already forgotten. He’d find his Brian. There’d be another show, another night. He’d find him and then, oh yes, then they would see.

Without a hesitation in his step, Zach walked away from the mutilated body, blood soaking his whole front, not knowing or caring that the body would be found an hour later. Not caring about the family that would be crying this night at the loss of their son whose only fault had been his resemblance to a blond pop star.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morning rolled around, its bright light filling up the hotel room. AJ stood on the balcony, watching it as it came up, his mind drifting far away. It had been a long night, one of the longest he could remember since his own dark days. When Kevin had text to say that he’d got a general idea of what had happened and had canceled the show, AJ had only been grateful. 

After his crying jag in the bathroom, Brian had been so drained that he’d barely managed to walk to the bed. But AJ had got him there, tucked him in, then held his hand as he drifted off to sleep. Only once he was sure that Brian was out did AJ move. 

He’d gone to the bathroom and washed all the blood off his face. Then he’d pulled his clothes off, tossed them in the garbage before finding some clean ones. When he’d looked in the mirror again he’d swore lightly. His nose was bruised and was pretty tender, but nothing he couldn’t live with. At least it was broken, or extremely swollen. Makeup should be able to cover it up pretty well. 

Little bruises peppered his shins from where Brian’s feet had connected, but he knew he could hide those. And hide them he would. There was absolutely no reason that Brian needed to see them. That would only serve to make him feel guilty, which was the very last thing that Brian needed to be feeling. 

About that moment had been when the first nightmare had hit Brian. He’d thrashed and groaned and screamed in his sleep so that AJ had rushed out there, quickly petting and soothing him back to sleep. 

So it had gone all night long. AJ hadn’t slept but for little spurts here and there, sitting up alongside the bed. Somewhere around five a.m. Brian had finally dropped off to a deep sleep. But AJ had found himself unable to sleep, so he’d headed out to the balcony to smoke and pace and think. 

A soft knock at the door startled AJ back to the present moment. He put his cigarette out in the ashtray before quickly heading to answer the door. A look at the bed showed that the knocking hadn’t disturbed Brian at all, thank God. 

When AJ opened the door and found Kevin on the other side it kind of surprised him. It was just past sunrise. What was Kevin doing up already? “Morning, Kev. What can I do for you?” He asked politely. 

Kevin smiled fondly at him, one hand coming up to hover near AJ’s cheek before dropping away. “Your nose looks like shit, short stack. Always knew cos had a hard head.” 

Ah, so that explained it. Nick had gone and talked to Kevin. That didn’t surprise AJ too much. He’d kind of figured that Nick would. It was best, really, that Kevin be kept up on how his cousin was doing and AJ just couldn’t go and tell him, not if he expected to keep Brian’s trust. So it was nice to have a middle man who understood all that and took care of it. God bless Nick sometimes.

“Yeah. I usually dodge better, but he was quick.” AJ shot back, smirking. 

Hooking his hands in his pockets, Kevin looked AJ over from head to toe, his gaze searching, almost as if he could see right through him. It took everything AJ had not to squirm underneath that intense stare. Kevin had always had that effect on him. Like he was being x-rayed. 

“I’m glad you’re the one that answered the door. I figured it might be you.” Kevin said suddenly. He looked around the hall, which was empty at this early hour. AJ made to gesture to let him in but Kevin shook his head. “No, I bet he’s asleep. I heard him every now and again last night. If he’s finally asleep then we’ll just let him be. No one’s gonna hear us out here. They’re all asleep too.” 

“Normal people would be right now.” 

That earned AJ a smile. “True, J. But who ever said any of us were normal?” He flashed that grin that rarely anyone ever saw. It did wonders to his looks; softening his face and brightening his eyes. AJ had always thought that Kevin should smile more, he was a more approachable, attractive man when he did. “But, anyways, I wanted to say a few things to you, Age. Primarily, thanks for taking such good care of him. You’re just what he needs and I know he’s in good hands here.” 

Surprise had AJ raising his eyebrows. He’d never imagined hearing Kevin say these kinds of things to him. Hell, he’d always been considered the fuck up, the rebel, the scatterbrained one. If someone was going to be late, it was going to be AJ. Lost? AJ. Forget where they were or where they were going next? AJ. That was just…well, that was just how it was! 

Seeing the surprise on AJ’s face, Kevin chuckled. “You’ve matured a lot, short stack. Didn’t you think that we all saw it? That we noticed? You’ve become a hell of a guy. I’m proud of you.” 

Now that really had AJ speechless. Never, ever, had he expected to hear those words come from Kevin’s mouth and be directed at him. Flustered, he dropped his gaze. “I just…” he paused, clearing his throat, trying to talk around the lump that had formed there. “I’m just doing what needs doing. I care for him. I can’t  _not_  help him.” 

“That right there says how much you’ve grown up.” Kevin smiled in a kind way. Then his look changed, turning slightly sadder. “I just wish one of us could have been there for you the way you are for him.” 

With his usual attitude for things, AJ shrugged that off. “I’m a kind of ‘on my own’ guy. Bri, not so much. He craves people, contact, all that shit. Close family, friends, all that. I like people, sure, but more like the being on stage kind. I like to have people watch me sing. I like being the center of attention when I perform, and with y’all sometimes too. But personally? My private shit? No, I’m the loner kind of guy there.” 

Just as Kevin opened his mouth to ask how Brian was doing, the very person came walking up to the door, a cell phone in hand. AJ instantly turned to him, not saying a word, knowing that it was all in his eyes anyways. The smile Brian gave him was more relaxing than anything else. In that smile he could see that Brian had found that solid ground beneath him again. That inner strength that he had that had carried him through so much. 

“Phone rang, woke me up.” Brian said softly. He held it out to AJ. “It’s Nick. Says he needs to talk to you, now.” 

Confused, AJ took the phone, signaling to Kevin before walking away. “Yeah, Carter?” 

“Shit’s bad, J. Really fucking bad.”

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian wrapped his arms around his waist as he watched AJ walk toward the balcony. He shuddered a little, thinking of AJ being out there, so high up. It wasn’t bad enough that he was scared of heights, but he absolutely hated it when the others went out on them. If one stayed out for too long and Brian was watching, he’d find himself getting nauseous. 

To prevent that from happening, he turned away just as AJ was lighting his cigarette. Nerves tingled under his skin, a byproduct of a shitty night, but he pushed them down and looked over to his cousin. “Morning, Kev.” 

He still felt guilty for the way he’d cringed away from Kevin before. Now there was embarrassment and shame added on top of it, knowing that Kevin knew what was going on. But just because Kevin knew didn’t mean that Brian had to admit that he knew that Kevin knew. 

That thought made him pause. Hell, even to him that sounded crazy. 

Clueless to Brian’s internal debate, Kevin smiled. “Morning, cos. I was awake, drinking coffee on my balcony and I smelled AJ smoking so I popped over to talk to him for a bit.” 

“And check on me.” Brian said impishly. He couldn’t resist. Though the night had been a rough one, extremely rough, he woke up feeling better. Not perfect, no, but better. This was just another setback. A big one, yes, but he could get past it. AJ’s practicality had helped. He’d been so blunt about it that there really left no room for the fears. Go in, get tested. Get tested again in a few months, again at six, and one last time at a year. If there was something, then treat it. He’d said it all so matter of fact that Brian found himself thinking of it that way to. If AJ had done this, and done it on his own, then Brian could do it too. 

Silence stretched awkwardly between the cousins for a moment. Neither really knew how to act with the other. 

A loud “ _What_?” caught both their attention. Brian turned to look toward the balcony where AJ was still standing. He had one hand holding the phone, the other holding his cigarette right in front of him as if he had been about to take a drag and had suddenly forgotten about it. Watching, Brian saw that hand drop down, visibly shaking. Something was gone on. Something serious, if it had AJ reacting that way. There was tension in his whole body. 

Fear coiled in Brian’s stomach. “I’ll catch you later, Kev.” He murmured before absentmindedly shutting the door. His whole attention was focused on AJ now. What was going on? He couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that was starting. This had something to do with him, he was sure of it. But what the hell was it? Did he even want to know? 

Brian stood in the middle of the room as he watched AJ close the cell phone. For a moment the young man stared down at the phone in his hand as if unsure what to do with it. His shoulders were slumped. 

What was it that had AJ that defeated looking? Whatever it was couldn’t be good. God, what was it? Brian felt his hands start to tremble a little. This was going to be bad. So, so bad.

 

When AJ turned around and saw Brian there, he didn’t startle. Just stared for a moment before sighing. Then he was moving toward the door, into the room. After he shut the balcony door behind him he just stood there for a minute, staring. 

Brian found himself speaking, though he hadn’t intended on it. “This has something to do with… with  _him_ , doesn’t it?” 

“Yes.” AJ answered, his voice raspy. 

Another tremble ran through Brian’s hands. “He’s coming for me, isn’t he? He said he’d be back.” 

AJ didn’t look away from Brian’s eyes. Their gazes seemed glued to one another. “Yes.” 

Surprisingly, the news didn’t send Brian into an instant panic. Instead it felt as if numbness was spreading through him. He had known this was coming. Known it would happen. Not exactly what, but he had known that something was coming. “What happened?” 

Their eyes still locked, AJ stepped closer. He hesitated only for a second before firming his spine. Brian could see AJ debate what to say and he could tell that AJ had decided to give it all to him straight. He appreciated that. This could be dealt with if he had the facts. He couldn’t handle it right if there was lies mixed in. 

“Nick put in some feelers with some cop friends he says you two have. Just to be cautious.” AJ stepped closer as he spoke until they were barely a half foot apart. But he didn’t reach out to touch Brian, leaving that up to him. Again, Brian appreciated him for it. But he needed that contact right then. Needed it desperately. Whatever was coming wasn’t going to be pleasant. He knew it, deep down. 

Their fingers laced together, Brian watched AJ swallow before he continued. “Something… something happened last night. A man was, was murdered.” AJ had to pause to swallow again. “He had blond curly hair, was a southern boy. Just a bit taller than you. He was supposed to have been at our show last night.” 

Brian felt the world sway around him. “oh.” He whispered quietly. The world seemed to spin for a moment before swallowing him. The last thing he saw as he went down was AJ darting forward to catch him, cursing. Then there was only darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable11.html


	13. Twelfth Chap

Twelfth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Consciousness was calling him, seeping its way through the dark clouds that surrounded his body. In the distance, he could hear muffled voices.

_He had been stabbed God knows how many times. There was blood everywhere and his face... they still couldn’t recognize him since he had been punched so many times that he was unrecognizable._

Brian willed himself to dig more under the darkness,  detaching himself from a reality that wanted only to hurt him over and over again.

_And... if it wasn’t enough, he had carved the word “mine” on his arm. That was sick. This is a sick man._

A twisted man searching for him. Wasn’t he that lucky? He couldn’t deal with that. No, that was demanding from him strength he didn’t have. Being raped? He could deal it. Might being infected? It was scary but it could deal it, just like Aj had said. But this? No, no, no. This was too much!

The guiltiness was a heavy weight upon him, crushing him down, ripping out from him any spaces for breathing. Yes, he couldn’t breathe and, in totally honesty, that was only fair. Another man, a young guy who was out to have fun, couldn’t breathe no more because of him. Only because he held some resemblances, only because that sicken man had confused him and burned his anger.

Was he that younger than him? What was his history, did he have family and friends? Brian wanted to know those things, wanted to grieve the loss of a innocent soul but it hurt too much to think about it.

Hurt. It was a different pain, deeper and raw. It was like a poison floating through his veins, pulsating and vibrating like it wanted to get out. But, nonetheless, it was pain and he was so sick and tired of hurting. He had been crying or screaming or breaking down for almost five days. He had tried to get up on his feet once again, tried to shake away the tempting numbness or the needing to hide forever somewhere. And every damned time, something had pushed him back on the ground, laughing at his miserable attempts to get his life back. What was the point on keep trying?

If he was gone, there would be no pain, no fears, nothing would hurt him more than he already was. If he was gone, no one would be hurt or, worse, be killed because _he_ couldn’t get him.

A part of him, smaller than ever, was trying to reasoning and its voice sounded so much like Aj’s: glimpses of their past conversation raised up from the back of his mind, shining a little light through that ocean of darkness, soothing words that prompted to not give up, how strong he was and how he wasn’t alone through it all.

But those were before they found out what a crazy and psycho man was the one who raped him. Why didn’t he tell Aj about his threat?

_Because if you told him that, it would have sent you back to that bathroom and you didn’t want to relive it._

But it happened the same, so it had been useless keeping things from Aj. A break. He needed a break from all the things going in his mind, he needed to breathe.

Darkness was calling him again but, this time, Brian submitted to the call. As he felt himself sank in a deeper place, he didn’t feel the hand grasping his in a warm grip or the other one slowly caressing his hair, a voice whispering that everything would be alright.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Thanks.” Aj said as he took the blanket Kevin was handling him. He put it around the sleeping form at the centre of the bed, still trembling even if he was covered already with three blanket.

Nick and Howie were in the main room, the first still on the phone with that policeman he knew – Michael, if he remembered correctly – trying to find any news while Howie was discussing furiously with their management.

It didn’t surprise him that Kevin had let Howie dealing with stuff that usually he would have done in a blink. It didn’t surprise him that he had been there with him, helping with Brian. Because, bluntly, he was at loss. This was something that went over and above what he could help in dealing, a crazy man that was going to the extreme just to get his prize, which was Brian.

If it was frightening the thought of this man following them wherever they were going, nothing could really phantom or explain finding out that a innocent had been killed only because he looked like his obsession.

He could barely imagine how deep the guiltiness was running through Brian’s veins. Anyone would been feeling in a way responsible for what had happened and Brian was the kinda of guy that took by heart if his actions would affect other people. Getting though his skull and had him accepting that it wasn’t his fault it was something mostly likely impossible but it was important.

Three hours had passed since he had told him about the homicide and still Brian was in a state of shock, hidden in a sleep that Aj wished was at least without nightmares. When he first regained consciousness, all the guys had been there in the room but it seemed like Brian didn’t acknowledge what or who surrounded him. His eyes held that vacant gaze that Aj saw when he rescued him from the restroom so the best option left was soothe him back to sleep.

If there was one thing he had learned during those days it was that Brian crashed hard, yes, but that helped him to shake away the first burnt of fear, panic and shock. It seemed like that in sleep Brian found a new level of strength, willingness to fight whatever had been thrown once again against him. it wasn’t like he acted like nothing had happened, but he was more practical, focusing on what was needed to be done in order to heal. Just like that morning, only a few hours before: the smile, still not the one so typical of him, told how the fear of might be infected had been reduced to a faint anxiety.

How many other blows Brian could take before crumbling down? That was his fear, that was what scared him the most: if Brian lose his will, every hope of healing would be lost. Just like Brian.

“He will fight this, Jay.”

“How do you know? How can you be so sure?” Aj replied bitterly. His nerves were all jumpy and slightly tremors had started to take control of his hands, sign of the beginning of a craving. But he wouldn’t give in, not when someone else was looking up at him and envying a strength he didn’t believe he had. “You haven’t watch him, Kevin. Ask Nick how he reacted last night when he found out that he could have been infected. Watch him just for one night when nightmares didn’t leave him alone and made him scream like he’s being tortured.”

Kevin didn’t falter. Maybe because he knew that what needed Aj in that moment was just rambling out all the stress he had bottled up. “I’m not saying it would be easy.”

“This is beyond not being easy. A man was killed, do you have any ideas how Brian is feeling right now?”

Kevin turned his head towards his cousin, and in the orange light of a clouded sunlight, Aj thought that he looked older, with those lines deepened around tired and worn eyes. “He’s blaming himself, wondering if he’s worth all. Wondering if having everyone involved is a good idea or if he’s going to hurt us too in the end.”

Aj could only nod.

“Are you afraid he is going to give up?”

The question had been blunt, direct to the heart of his concerns. Yes, that was his fear, a dread to watch someone he cared – no, loved – deeply falling in his own mistakes. And Brian was much stronger than him, more levelheaded but... desperation was the same bitch to everyone. “I... yes.” He just admitted.

“He won’t. He didn’t give up when every doctor told that he was going to die. But... – Kevin stopped for a moment, trying to find the exact words. – I get your fears. I’m afraid too but I know that he has the supportive system to not sink so deep in depression. And, even if he does, we’re going to be there for him.” _I’m not going to make the same mistake I’ve done with you, Aj._

A muffled groan snapped them from their conversation. Aj recognized it immediately, it was the signal that forecast a nightmare. Without a word, he slipped closer to Brian, taking his hand. He didn’t care if Kevin was there to witness, his mind was only focused on trying to snap the broken man from his nightmare before it got too much to bear even in his sleep. His thumb started stroking his palm, a soothing rhythm in tune with his fingers running through the already damp curls.

Kevin watched as a new Aj appeared in front of him. Oh, he knew that under his rebel side there was a caring boy but he had never witnessed that side of him. And it wasn’t that hard to see how much Aj cared for Brian, just the way he was whispering meaningless words just to soothe Brian’s fears down. Soon, his whimpers had reduced to just some sniffles here and there but Aj never stopped, the grip of his hand firmly around an arm while the other hand was still stroking now the cheek then a curl, a peaceable rhythm that was dissolving any lingering resilience in Brian to submit in the darkness.

Even from his spot, Kevin was able to see how deep was the bond between Brian and Aj: just before drifting away, Brian opened up a little his eyes, locking quite immediately with Aj’s, searching for a reassurance that nothing was going to hurt him while sleeping. When he saw that in Aj’s, he drifting off again, never leaving the intertwining of their fingers.

That was the moment when he realized how deeper was that connection, how far from just caring was the reason behind Aj’s gestures.

"You love him, don’t you?”

Aj turned his head towards Kevin. “Of course. I love you guys, even if sometimes...”

“No.” Kevin interrupted him. “You really _love_ him.”

Silence fell between. Aj turned back his gaze on Brian, more peaceful than just some minutes before. “Yes” He rasped out, suddenly afraid of being in the same room with Brian’s overprotective cousin.

Aj would have been surprised if he could see inside Kevin’s thoughts. Because, in that moment, Kevin was thinking how perfect Brian and Aj seemed to be for each other. When Brian first said that he and Nick were together, he had been happy but not surprised. They were Frick and Frack, closer than any friends he had ever seen and it was like fate bringing them together as a couple. But, as he reflected on, he realized that if that relationship worked so perfectly for Nick, it wasn’t the same for Brian. Oh sure, Brian was in love with Nick, cared for the other guy more than he could ever mean with words. But that was the whole point: Brian loved Nick more than Nick loved Brian, he gave so much without receiving an ounce back. Not that Nick didn’t love him, just that he wasn’t really ready for the kind of partnership that Brian deserved. Looking back, Kevin could see now how they had been more like an extended version of their friendship, just adding up the loving part between them.

Aj, on the other hand, was the only one he could think of as a perfect partner for Brian. Stubborn as his cousin, he could give him the support Brian needed to finally be able to lean on someone, to load some of the brooding weight he always put over himself. They matched together like missing pieces, a combination of strength and willpower that would lead them through any obstacles along the way. And only Aj could really bring back the old Brian.

“I wanna see him happy again.” Kevin breathed out, an emotional vibe inside his stern voice. “And you are the only one who can succeed.”

Aj bite his lips. Kevin was the only one who he could reveal some of his fears. “What if I fuck up? What if he becomes too much dependent on me? What... what if he doesn’t need me anymore once he will be healed?” he asked in a cracked voice.

“You won’t fuck up, Age. You’re giving him a solid ground, something to hold onto when this bitch fate decides that it’s not enough what he’s already going through. And he’s not gonna ditch you when he’ll get better. And you know why?” Aj shook his head. “Because you’re the only one who had been able to see his fragile part and that only because he let you in. He told you his fears, he looked for you every time something is wrong or when he doesn’t know how to deal. He trusts you more than he had ever done with me or with Nick. That’s why I know he’s gonna stick around. Not only because of some sense of gratitude or because he feels he has to. But because he wants to.” Kevin would have added _because he loves you_ but that was something that only Brian could tell Aj and it wasn’t going to be any time soon.

Before Aj could reply, before he could go past the emotional knot formed in his throat listening to those words, the door cracked open and Howie appeared. “Sorry to break in but management wants to talk to everyone.”

“Even Brian? I just got him back to sleep and...”

“No, we’ve already told them that he isn’t up to anything for now.” Howie answered. Aj looked reluctant, not really wanting to leave Brian all alone. Yes, he was sleeping and he would for awhile but what if another nightmare hit him? What if he woke up in panic and didn’t see him? And why management needed all of them? Couldn’t they deal with Nick and Howie?

Howie gave him the reason why he was needed. “Jay, I know you don’t want to leave but you’re the only one who had seen the man, aside Brian. And they need a description. As soon as you finish, you can be back here.”

Kevin put a hand on his shoulder, even him was torn between their duty and being where he was supposed to be. “He’s going to be asleep for awhile. Let’s go so we can be back.”

Aj leaned over Brian, planting a little kiss on his forehead. “I’m not leaving, hon. You sleep and I’ll be back before you can notice my absence.” Then he followed Kevin and Howie out of the room, leaving the door slightly open so he could hear Brian’s screams if he had another nightmare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Just from the first image, Brian knew that this nightmare was going to be different. For once, he wasn’t back at the club, no urine smell to warn him about what was coming for him. The dark blanket of the sky, without any stars to shine down, told him he was outside, even if he didn’t recognize exactly where he was.  
_ _Ar_ _ound him, people were passing by without noticing a lonely figure between them, like he was only a ghost and not a body of substance. Where the hell they were going?_

_He looked around, trying to find some hints about his surroundings and, when he had turned, he found out the place where they were running to: a tall round shaped building, painted in a white that stood up in the dark background. A huge poster announced what was the show for that night and Brian found himself staring at his own face. That was the arena where they should have played if it wasn’t for his breakdown._

_Murmurs started to fill his ears, words of despair, yes, but there was a lingering worrying about what illness could prevent the band to do a show. It made him smile hearing fans, people who had paid to see them, being so concerned about their health and totally disinterested about losing something they put money in._

_Still, he didn’t have any clue why he was there or why he was dreaming about staying in a square, surrounded by strangers. Lost in his thoughts, he suddenly saw someone who could help him: the blonde hair, the height... yes, that man walking quickly was indeed Nick._

_“Nick! Nick” Hey, wait for me!” he shouted, hoping that his best friend could hear him over the buzz. But Nick never turned around, just kept his footing and walked._

_Brian started jogging behind him, literally getting trough people’s bodies, but the distance between him and Nick kept growing and growing until he couldn’t really see him anymore. He stopped, bending over with his hands on the knees trying to catch his breath. Where the hell Nick was going?_

_The scenario changed, now he wasn’t in the crowd but in a desert alley and two other guys were there too. Shock filled his bones, chilling and freezing everything it touched: the man who he thought was Nick was now bending over the other, sprawled over the floor moaning in pain and beggin for his life to be spared._

_Oh gosh, no! No, it couldn’t be that!_

_He couldn’t move, he was there watching a man being killed in a cruel and merciless way: blood was everywhere, the screaming so loud that Brian wondered how nobody was coming to see what was happening. The knife wouldn’t seem to stop, it kept going up and down and then was travelling on the arm, carving four letters._

_Mine._

 

Brian woke up with a start, an half scream bottled up inside his throat and ready to escape. He forced it back down, not wanting to disturb any longer Aj. For the first moment, in fact, Brian was truly convinced that it was still morning and that the only thing happened was the realization of the unprotected rape. He shivered at that thought, the itching to scrub his own skin returned with a forceful vengeance but he fought it, reminding himself that it was just a possibility and he had to be optimistic and practical.

He was alive, that was all that mattered in the end. Alive and not alone. He could do it.

He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down, a wheezing sound filled the room as air hitched in and out of his lung, barely capable to grasp enough oxygen to breathe. Lingering images from his nightmare told him a different story and suddenly he remembered that it wasn’t morning, daylight was already darkening and something really bad had happened.

Guiltiness clamped down on his stomach, a tight knot that made him nauseous as bile and acids started their climb up on his throat. In a quick spun, he was out of the bed, barely managing to avoid to stumble with all the blankets still tangled up and got to the toilet just in time. There was nothing more in his stomach so the dry heaving made his body hurt more than it was already, a combination of tiredness, exhaustion and bruises that yet had to fade. Tears mixed with beams of sweat and, God, he just wanted everything to stop, why did he have to go through something like that?

What he had done to deserve a nightmare like the one he was living? And it seemed like it was never going to end, not until they found that man and locked him where he couldn’t hurt no one. How many other people had he hurt because of him? How many other guys had been hurt, tortured or killed only because they looked like him?

Acid burned his throat as he retched again wishing his mind would stop just for a minute to keep going around and around. But it wouldn’t stop, thoughts were running wild, trying to process anything.

He felt a sort of relief that, for now, he had been only raped. Gosh, how lucky he had been that night! What if he had met him in an alley? Would he be still alive?

Fighting dizziness, Brian tried to stand up from his crunched position. At first attempt, he risked to fall against the cold glass of the shower but he managed in time to hold himself up. He waited until the room wasn’t spinning around him like in a mad rollercoaster then he wobbled until he reached his bathroom bag. If Aj didn’t go over his bag, then it would be still there. Logic and rationality slipped away from him, his mind wrapped around one only wish, one only need: numb the pain, stop the never end hurt that came with thoughts and nightmares.

He launched things useless for him in that moment and didn’t care where they landed or if he broke something. He wasn’t paying attention at all, just focused on simply things like breathing and making his heart beating a little slower, remembering how he wasn’t supposed to be under a lot of stress. Who cared, anyway? Who cared f he was going to give himself an heart attack? Who fucking cared if something would happen to him? Maybe his absence would just make a favor to everyone: without him, no one would be harm.

Then, he found what he was looking for. He knew he had it, because he didn’t trust Nick going around with a bottle of valium. Both of them had fear of heights and going around in a plane wasn’t that much exciting as it was for Kevin. The bottle was half empty, only ten pills were left but they could still do their work. At least, maybe he would be able to sleep without dreaming about a psycho Nick’s clone killing an innocent guy.

Pills in his hand, Brian stared at them. It wasn’t that hard swallowing them, just one at time.

Could he really do that? Running away as a coward... no, it wasn’t coward to try to protect the one you love from being hurt. And that was what he was doing. Hurting them all, especially... especially Aj. For a brief moment, he pictured him with his nose still swollen, blooded tissues in the bin and he bet he left him some bruises at the rate he had hit him.

He couldn’t keep doing that to Aj. As he had protected Nick by breaking up with him, he had to do the same with Aj. Would he be disappointed? Would he be feel like he had betrayed him?

But he couldn’t take anymore and sure he wasn’t going to let other shit be thrown at him, not when he wasn’t able to stand tall.

_Please, Alex, forgive me._

 

 

 

****************

 

 

     

People were talking, discussing about what was the right move to do, whether if Brian would be up going on with the tour or not and stuff like that.

Aj didn’t pay really attention, too much worried about the broken man hidden in the bedroom. He was going to be so mad if he’d known that they were deciding without hearing his opinion. And a part of him was looking forward to see Brian snapping, finally giving in to all the anger that lingered inside him. Brian’s temper was deep, yes, but it was very rare to witness because Brian held other healthy way to work out any anger or rage. And that was what Brian needed, a forceful reaction instead of panicking or crying. Now, he reflected, was too soon to react in that way. Blame was still having control of his emotions so he needed to see past it, to see that it wasn’t his fault if a psycho man decided to kill someone who looked alike him. The reason behind that homicide was still a mystery. Why killing an innocent? If Brian was his focus, he should had gone after one of them, a warning to not mess up with him and to give in. If having Brian was his main goal. But... he had his chance, back in the club. Why did he only raped him and not kidnapping?

He stopped for a moment his train of thoughts, a slightly headache starting to form on top of everything. Gosh! How he needed a drink, something to give him the strength to keep going without worrying too much, something that could stop all those sickening image about how Brian came closer to be that killed man. And how he was still in danger, since the psycho told him he was going to be back for more.

But Brian was holding onto him and he couldn’t let him down. Who knew where he could be if he was still the same person who seek oblivion to escape his demons. No, he couldn’t betray his trust just because he had fucked up before.

Then, coming from nowhere, a sense of dread casted down on him like a cold blanket. At first, he didn’t know what to think about it so he just brushed it as nerves too jumpy and too much stress. But minutes passed by and the dread kept growing until it was the only thing he could think about. Voices stayed in the background, long forgotten were their problems about touring or not, security and what to tell to the media.

Something was wrong, deadly wrong and the centre of that irrational fear was coming from the other room. What could it be? No one could get into that room, the only entrance was the door connecting the bedroom to the room where they were and since they were on the tenth floor no one could reach through the balcony. Unless he was Spiderman.

Driven by instincts, Aj got up and with quick steps covered the distance between him and the room while his mind tried to find what could be wrong. Many were the options but none of them were reassuring: another nightmare, another panic attack and how much severe it would be. How long Brian could go on?

They had to find something or he would drag Brian to a hospital himself.

But when he entered in the bedroom, he found out shocked that the room was empty, although it looked like a hurricane had passed and thrown away everything that was inside and on the bed.

Where was Brian?

Not on the balcony, he was afraid even when other people were out! That left only the bathroom.

He walked over and knocked softly.

“Bri, you okay? Need a help?”

He waited for an answer but only he met only silence.

“Bri?”

After no answers, Aj decided to take matters in his hands. He didn’t care if he found Brian naked or what, he had to be sure that he was alright. The room was like the bedroom, messy and with things everywhere, like Brian had deliberately launched and didn’t worry where they landed. As he had done the day before, he started looking for any hints about what had set Brian off. Nothing seemed so dangerous or frightening and still no signs of Brian.

Then, he noticed two things, almost at the same time: first, on the sink there was an empty bottle of Valium and second, a sob lead him to where Brian was hiding. He followed that tiny sounds and found him sat down between the toilet and the shower. He had his eyes closed, trembles ragged his body but no signs of pills.

Had he really done it?

He kneeled down in front of him, placing a hand on his ankle. “Bri? Tell me you didn’t do it. Tell me you flushed those pills.”

A itched sob, followed by Brian opening up one of his hands, was his answer: that open hand held ten pills.

Before Brian could think it again, Aj snagged and throw them in the toilet, quickly flushed it.

“How many did you took?”

Part of himself didn’t want to believe that Brian had done something that stupid, wished that Brian wasn’t a coward like had been in the past. But truth was that there was a slightly possibility that he had done it.

Time seemed to stop as Aj waited for Brian to answer. Maybe he was wasting time, maybe he should just called someone for help... and then, with an unnoticeable gesture of his head, Brian said no.

Relief swept through Aj and he couldn’t help the scream that escaped his mouth, “Why? Why Brian?”

He was angry, mostly towards himself for having left Brian all alone. Gosh, how could he be that stupid? And why did he listened to Kevin when he told him that Brian would be okay. He should have known better.

“I don’t wanna... I don’t wanna hurt anymore.”

Even if told by a broken voice, those words held so much sorrow and helpless that Aj wished he was anywhere but in that room. Or, better, he wished he could just turn back time and force Brian to wait until they were in the hotel to go to the bathroom. But he couldn’t, he could just try to help Brian, hoping that there was something left.

“I thought I could do. Slipping away and feeling nothing. I was ready and it was the best decision. If I was gone, no one would be hurt anymore.” Brian kept talking with his eyes closed, too ashamed to look up to Aj and admit how coward he had been. He didn’t’ know if he was because he had tried to die or because he had failed. “I couldn’t do it. I thought of you and how much disappointed you would be. I was going to hurt you more and... and I couldn’t. I’ve hurt you already too much.”

“Brian, you didn’t. Why do you think you hurt me?”

Brian opened up his eyes, glossy from unleashed tears that didn’t want to let out, and looked back at him: Aj didn’t look like he’d slept at all, with almost visible shadows around his eyes that stood up more under the neon light of the bathroom. Brian cringed at that sight, knowing that it was partly his fault if Aj was on the verge of collapse from lack of sleep. Or beginning to feel a craving, if his trembles were a sign of it. And then... then there were the physical and visible effects: his nose looked swollen and probably tender. He didn’t remember those minutes when he had been trapped in his own panic, fearing that he was back in that public restroom, afraid that history was going to repeat itself. He knew he had tried to fight back and probably that was the result of his hits.

“I did.”

Aj shook his head, understanding what Brian was referring to. “You were in panic and I knew that I might get some bruises if I grabbed you but I didn’t want you to do something very stupid, like punching a wall.”

“You should have.” Brian murmured. “At least, I can deal with physical pain. But this?” He shook his head as tears finally started to fall down. “I can’t. A guy had been killed because of me. How... how can I get past this, Alex? How can I let everyone else getting involved when there’s the risk that they can be harmed only because they’re trying to protect me?”

“So this was your resolution? Dying?”

Something clicked in Brian, something that made him wear a mask of anger. “Yes.”

“Oh, really? So you think that we were going to be happy that you thought about dying instead to fight?”

“What if I’m tired of fighting? What if I’m tired to always have to get up and being thrown back on the ground?”

“Then you let us help you.”

“I don’t want you to help me!” Brian screamed, getting up so suddenly that Aj crumbled down on his ass. He saw Brian swaying for a moment but that moment passed so quickly as he started to pace. “I didn’t want all of this! I didn’t want to be the ultimate prize of a psycho man! What have I done to deserve this?”

“Nothing, Brian. You didn’t nothing.”

“Then why? Why me? Why that innocent man? And how long it will take before he gets me?”

“He won’t.”

“Oh, because you know what the future holds? He had killed and he would do again if it means getting me! And I won’t let another death blamed on me.”

Aj jumped on his feet, this time he didn’t want to stand and watch Brian keep blaming himself for something he couldn’t do anything to prevent. He didn’t want to watch Brian keeping pacing like that, his arms wrapped tightly around his waist and fingernails digging deeply into skin, drawing angry red lines across both forearms. “No one is blaming you. And you shouldn’t.” His stern voice did the trick, stopping abruptly Brian who turned and looked at him.

“So who’s to blame? Nick? He was supposed to protect me but he chose to leave me alone! Or let’s see... you? Where in the hell were you when he was raping me? Or what about Kevin?” Brian let out a dry laughter. “Yes, let’s blame my overprotected cousin that once again failed me. Are you happy now? I’m not blaming me!”

“There is one person that has to be blamed and you know who he is. You didn’t bring this upon yourself and you can’t blame yourself if someone is that sick that let his obsession take over his mind.”

“But he chose me. Me. Not you, not Nick or Howie or Kevin. Me.”

“The only thing you should have done to prevent all of this if you never joined us. You wouldn’t be famous and maybe no one would ever developed a so sick obsession. But you can’t change the past and you can’t take everything on your shoulders only because you can’t find a reason why it had happened. It’s not your fault and you didn’t killed that guy.”

“Then... why it feels like I have done it?” His entire figure looked defeated, like it had lost any will to fight.

“Because you care. If it was another person, the first thought would have been how lucky he had been that it didn’t happen to him. Not you. You’re here wishing it was you so no one, even a stranger that you would never met, won’t be harmed.”

Brian leaned against the shower’s glass, feeling suddenly empty: anger had flowed away, bringing away every energy left. The dizziness was back and he just wanted to stop the world from spinning only for a moment. “I can’t take this anymore, Alex.” He didn’t know if he was referring to the dizziness or to the whole situation. He just did. He couldn’t take anymore blown.

“I know, hon. But you will get through this because you’re strong.”  

“Stop! Please, stop!” Brian screamed, hot tears streaming down his face. “Stop saying that! Stop! I’m not strong so, _please_ , stop saying!”

Aj didn’t flickered or faltered. “Yes, you are.” He said as it was a matter of fact.

Brian took a step back, like he was trying to put a safe distance between his anger and Aj. “No! I’m not! Look at what I was trying to do!”

“They key word is “trying”. You stopped before really doing it, that proves that you are strong. That means that you want to face whatever is going on instead that running and taking the easy way.”

“But... I’ve let you down.” Brian whispered sounding like a little child.

“You didn’t, Bri.” Aj’s soft voice reassure the broken man. “You know, you keep saying how I’m strong but... the truth is that... yes, maybe now I’m a stronger man but back then I wasn’t. I did time and time again what you hadn’t done, I didn’t want to face my demons because I knew it was a hurting process. Instead, I didn’t want the pain, I didn’t want to accept that part of myself that was desperately crying out for help. I tried to silence it with pills and alcohol and... in the beginning, it helped, you know? I didn’t feel nothing, no hurt, no pain, no sense of failure. Nothing at all. But it didn’t last too long. Once the effects were done, all kept coming back again, ten thousand worse. That’s why you fall in addiction, because you need more and more to stop the pain. And one day, you come to realize that the only way to stop everything is... dying.”

Slowly, Brian and Aj slid down on the floor, not once Brian thought about slipping off his hand from Aj’s. For the first time, that physical contact wasn’t only for his benefit, to gain some strength and comfort from his friend. No, that time was the other way around, for the first time Brian felt like time had turned back its hands and he was back at being the confidant one, the one everyone would always turning to when they had some problems. He felt useful, not the helpless mess of the last days.

“It happened, Alex? I mean... you’re here so that says that you hadn’t but...” Brian stuttered a little, faltering in what he was trying to say.

“Yeah. I overdosed twice. Once, I managed to call myself 911 since I was at home all alone. Last, mom brought me to ER. Tried to get me to a rehab center but I... well, I kicked her out from my room.”

A small laughter raised up in Brian’s throat. “You know that I did the same to Kevin?”

“What?” Aj looked at him like he had grown another head. “When?”

Brian leaned on the wall, letting his head rest on the cold surface. “When I had the surgery. I was still pissed off at all of you for not being there and Kevin stood there, hiding behind his mom and looking like he wanted to be everywhere but there.” Turning his face to look at Aj, Brian grinned. “So I kicked him out.”

“See? If you can stand up to Kevin and kick him out, you can beat this.”

“It’s not the same, you know? Kevin didn’t... didn’t kill anyone.”

Aj leaned over, no more distance between the two of them so that their forehead were pressing together. Brian didn’t flicker as he was fearing he would. With Aj, it was so natural, so easy to open up and let him see the thunderstorm inside his soul. With Aj, it was so simple to give himself over and being take care of. With Aj, touch and being touched weren’t that frightening.

“Don’t interrupt me now, okay? You’re strong, Brian. And you know why? ‘Cause no matter how hard it is for you, you’re asking help and you are dealing with all in a healthy way. You’re talking, lashing out and yes, even crying. But you aren’t let this win over you, you’re not that coward to swallow those pills and ending all.”

“But the pain is still here.”

“I know, hon.” Brian smiled a little at that nickname while Aj cupped his cheek, a thumb stroking away the last traces of tears. “And it will never fade away completely. You just have to find a way to deal with it, a good way.”

“And it’s not going to happen soon, right?” Brian asked even though he knew it was just a rhetorical question.

“I want you to promise me that you will come to me, I don’t care if I’m sleeping or whatever, if you ever feel again like that, you have to come and talk to me. I can only help you if you’re honest with me and if you trust me.”

Brian brought up his right hand and covered Aj’s, still cupping his face. “I trust you, Alex.”

“Aren’t you scared?” Aj joked, just to lift up the moment.

“A little.” Brian answered with a chuckle. “But you have to be honest with me too.”

“I’m.” Aj said, a little confused. “I’ve told you things no one knows, neither Howie.”

“I know now I can’t do so much but... I wanna help you too. This situation is stressing you, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but it’s not your fault. Don’t you dare to start!” Aj quickly tried to reassure him. He didn’t need this on top of everything.

“I think it’s. At least, a part of it. How bad is your craving?”

“I’ve had worse.”

“How can I help you?”

“Have you got something to drink?” Aj joked. The scold he got in return made him turn back to be serious again. “Really, Brian. You don’t have to do nothing. You’ve much worse to think about.”

“And they will be here waiting for me when I’m done with you. Please? I need to... be myself for awhile, to focus on something that it’s not me or my fears or my panic. Let me take care of you.”

Aj sighed, knowing that he couldn’t deny that to Brian. Not only because he was right, a distraction from his problem was probably the only thing that could help him but because... how could he refuse to be taken care of by Brian?

“Okay.”

The warm smile he got in response cleared his mind from some leftover of doubts.

“What about lying down on the bed? Maybe sleeping? You need to sleep, mister.”

“You are telling me to sleep? Have you looked to yourself in the mirror? Panda’s style it’s not for everyone and it doesn’t suit your complexion.” With that joke, Aj raised up and then held out a hand to help Brian get up. He was still worried about the little episode of dizziness he had before and he made a note to himself to talk with Kevin. Between the throwing up and not eating, he didn’t know how long Brian could hold up like that.

“Tell that to my nightmares! I would love to sleep.”

To that, Aj didn’t have any answer to give so he just lead Brian to the bedroom. The blankets were still all over the floor but he just grab the first and then motioned Brian to sit on the bed.

“Wasn’t I the one supposed to take care of you?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow, confusion written in his features.

“Oh, you will. Just didn’t want to see you passed out on the floor.”

Aj lied down next to Brian, curling up but not really touching him in any other ways if not by holding his hand, his trembling growing worse and worse with each minute passing.

“Just sleep, Alex.” Brian whispered, daring himself as he started running his fingers through Aj’s hair.

“You... you remember when we were for the first time in Europe? You used to sing Nick to sleep ‘cause he was always scared that he would sleep ‘till late and we were going to forget about him and leave him somewhere in Germany.”

Brian laughed but smiled at the same time. “Yes, I remember. A time when Nick was shorter than me. Didn’t last too long, though.”

Aj brought himself closer. “We three always rooming together ‘cause we were the youngest and Kevin trusted you. I was afraid too but too proud to tell out loud so I just pretended to be already asleep so I could... pretend that you were singing even for me. Your voice always calmed me.”

“Oh, Alex. You could have said it, you know I would never make fun of you. You and Nick were the youngest, first time far from your family.”

Aj shrugged. “Can... can you do that again?”

“Sing you to sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure. Any request?”

“No, just sing.”

Brian thought about which song he could sing. In a way, he wanted to thank Aj for everything he had done in those days. Then, he came up with the perfect song. “I don’t know if you know this. Last year, when we were in new York, I dragged Nick to see a musical and this song is just… perfect.”

At first, his voice was still a little rough from the screaming and retching but Aj thought that, no matter how raw it sounded, it was still like hearing an angel sing. His angel.

 

_I've heard it said_ _  
That people come into our lives  
For a reason   
Bringing something we must learn   
And we are led to those   
Who help us most to grow   
If we let them   
And we help them in return   
  
Well I don't know if I believe that's true   
But I know I'm who I am today because I know you   
Like a comet pulled from orbit   
As it passes a sun   
Like a stream that meets a boulder   
Half way through the wood   
Who can say   
If I've been changed for the better   
Because I know you   
I have been changed for good _ __  
  


 

 

 

 

The craving was soon forgotten, Brian’s voice lead him to a peaceful place where he could dream that he and Brian could have a chance to be together.

Brian smiled when he noticed that Aj was deep asleep. Without even really noticing at first, he started to run his thumb along Aj’s cheek.

_I don’t believe I’m strong as you say, Alex. But I believe in you and I trust you. If you say so, I guess I’m gonna try my hardest to not fail you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable13.html  
> Lyrics taken from "For Good"


	14. Thirteenth Chapter

Thirteenth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Everything was going perfect. So much for security around these little bastards. Giggling, he headed down the hallway, eyes darting left and right. It had been so easy to get in here. Dress like a security guard to get through the doors, then change and let others think he part of the event staff. No one had suspected a thing!_

_Zach giggled again as he opened the door to one of the dressing rooms and slipped inside. Too easy! They thought they could keep him out but he’d prove them wrong! All that extra security! He’d seen it. Knew who it was for. They were scared of him. Well, good! They should be! At first he’d thought they’d learned their lesson. That they’d understood . This next show here hadn’t been cancelled. They’d let it continue on._

_So he’d been all set to come to this show. To watch Brian up on that stage. To think about what he would do the day he had him all to himself. When he and Brian ran away together, their life would be so perfect!_

_But then something had happened. He’d been watching their hotel. Watching their rooms. When they’d come out to get in their vans for the show that night, sneaking out the back so the fans wouldn’t’ catch them, Zach had been watching. He’d seen the way that the tattooed freak had stayed close to Brian. Like he owned him. Like he had the right._

_Was he stupid? Didn’t he understand that Brian wasn’t his? Could never be his? He belong to Zach! His rage had grown when he’d watched them climb inside the van and he saw that freak put his arm around the back of the seat. Around Brian’s shoulders. He was touching him! How dare he?_

_Rage had carried him back to his own motel where he’d vented his fury for a while. But then his brain had calmed down. He needed to plan. Brian couldn’t be blamed for this. He was upset. Vulnerable. He thought that this freak was just being friendly, most likely. That was the kind of guy Brian was. Kind hearted. He probably hated this other guy clinging to him but he was too nice to tell him to back off._

_Well, Zach would take care of that problem for him._

_He’d done a little research, looking in to who this other guy was. AJ. AJ Mclean. Pop rebel of the Backstreet Boys. Once did a stint in rehab for alcohol, coke, and pills._

_That was what had put the idea in Zach’s mind. He would show Brian how bad this guy was. He would show him._

_So Zach had snuck into the arena. He’d managed to sneak all the way inside to the dressing rooms. Now he stood there, staring around the dressing room that belonged to AJ. The little shit. Thought he was so big and bad. Well, he’d show him! He walked over to the pile of AJ’s clothes, glaring down at them. It was temping to shred them all to pieces._

_No, no, he couldn’t. He couldn’t let them figure out he’d been here. His whole plan depended on no one suspecting his part in this._

_“You’ll never get away with this.” A voice said to him._

_Zach grabbed the water bottle with AJ’s things and wrenched it open. He tried to ignore the voices. They would go away if he just ignored them._

_“We’re not going anywhere, Zach. You’re stuck with us. We’re going to enjoy watching you lose this. Watching you lose it all.”_

_“You think he wants you, Zach? You disgust him. You disgust us!”_

_Zach fumbled in his pocket for the little baggie he’d put there. “Shut up, shut up!” He mumbled to the voices. Why wouldn’t they leave him alone? “He’ll love me. He will!”_

_“You’re pathetic.” Another voice sneered. Something in the corner of his eye moved, a shape he knew wasn’t there, and yet it was. No, no, not now! Would they never leave him alone? Their laughter echoed in his ears._

_“Go away! I killed you already, go away!” He swore quietly._

_That laughter again, chilling him down to his bones. “You killed us. All of us. Now we’re going to watch you destroy yourself. We’re going to watch you die as punishment for what you did to us!”_

_“No!” He meant to shout it but it came out as a croak. No! He didn’t have time for this! Forcing his hand steady, he poured the coke from the bag into the water. After replacing the lid, he shook it a little, dissolving it together. They’d see how much Brian liked this little AJ once he realized that he was using coke again! They’d see, then._

_Cackling, Zach put the bottle back. He ignored the voices. They couldn’t bother him now. They were wrong, all of them. He would win this. He would. No matter what it took._

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Damn, they’d rocked! AJ grinned to himself as he jogged down the hallway to his dressing room. They’d seriously kicked ass at the show tonight. Once they’d got out on stage all their nerves and all their problems seemed to just melt away. It was always like that for him on stage. Nothing else existed but the music and the fans.

It had been nice to see Brian relax too. AJ smiled, opening the door to his dressing room and stepping inside. He shut it behind him absently. Rarely anymore did Brian look at peace, but he always did once the music swept him away.

Was there anything more beautiful than watching Brian as he sang his lines, eyes closed, face uplifted. He became the music and it became a part of him. It was simply beautiful.

AJ chuckled at himself. If anyone could hear his thoughts right then they’d be amazed. Imagine him, standing here fantasizing about Brian singing. He really was a fool.

Pushing all those thoughts aside, AJ stripped out of his show clothes first, then pulled on his own. Once he had them on he grabbed his water bottle and opened it, chugging what was left in there in one big swallow. When he pulled the bottle down he gave it a funny look.  _That tasted weird_  he thought to himself. Then he shrugged. Probably just old water. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d filled it.

A moment later AJ froze, his water bottle halfway to his bag. A very familiar sensation was filling his mouth. Or, more accurately, a lack of sensation. His gums and tongue seemed to be going a little numb. Sweet Jesus. There was only one thing in his life that had ever caused that sensation aside from Novocain at a dentist. Coke.

What the hell? AJ tried to move his tongue. To lick his lips, which suddenly felt dry. He looked at his water bottle again. Had someone put cocaine in his water? Jesus. No wonder it’d tasted funny! But…how much had they put in?

He wished to God he wasn’t so certain what it was. He wished that he didn’t know. But there was no mistaking that sensation. Coke, when put in the mouth, numbed your mouth just the same as Novocain did. How many times in the past had he put some coke on his fingers and rubbed it on his gums for the high that sat there?

Rushing to the bathroom, AJ turned the faucet on and bent his head down, rinsing his mouth and spitting over and over. The spit that came out looked like it had just a tiny bit of grit in it. Fuck. Fuck!

Whoever did this obviously didn’t realize that coke doesn’t dissolve real well. The high doesn’t work really well when it’s mixed in water either. But it was enough that AJ’s head spun a little when he lifted it up. Enough that he could feel more alert than he had before. Nowhere near as tired as he’d been

Shit, he couldn’t go around Brian like this! He couldn’t go around any of them! They’d know. All it would take would be one look at him and they’d know what happened. Would any of them believe him that it wasn’t his fault? That someone had slipped it to him? But…who the hell would do that?

He couldn’t come up with anyone that would want to make him high. Or that would want to make him relapse. That was going to be the true test of the night. More than the high he felt, more than anything else, was the craving that slammed into him.

AJ tightened his grip on the edge of the sink, staring wide eyed at his reflection in the mirror. How long had it been since he’d felt this kind of craving? God, he’d thought he was past that. That nothing could tempt him to do this again! But the coke was in his system, giving him that familiar feeling, and the craving came on so strong that it almost dropped him to his knees.

The come down was going to be hell, too. It had been so long since he’d done this that putting any amount in his system, then not giving him more, was going to make the withdrawal the next day pure hell.

Standing here wasn’t going to do anything for him. What he needed to do was get back to the hotel, get in his room, and hide out until this was done. How to cover this up with Brian? He’d have to be delicate or it would hurt Brian and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

It took all of AJ’s control to walk calmly out of the arena, allowing the guards to shuffle them into the van. Once in there, AJ took the seat furthest in the back, pulling his knees up to the chest, arms around his knees. He noticed that his foot was jiggling and fought to keep it still. No, he couldn’t jitter. They’d know then. They were all watching him anyways. They always were. Watching and waiting for him to fuck up. The assholes.

No, no! That wasn’t true. He fought those thoughts down. Seeing Brian climb in and move back beside him, AJ closed his eyes and rested his head on his knees. He still didn’t know what he was going to say to him. God, how was he going to do this? What the hell was going on?

Euphoria during a high had been part of what had originally attracted him to snorting coke. But as time progressed the euphoria was short and shorter lasting. By the time he’d gone to rehab, he hadn’t felt euphoric at all when using. Just like he was constantly on high alert, with boundless amounts of energy and the ability to talk a mile a minute. At least, at the peak of the high.

No one spoke to him as the van pulled away from the arena. They socialized with one another but none of them spoke to him. He could feel Brian beside him, trembling only slightly, and hated himself even more. He wished he could reach out and hold Brian’s hand. Do something to help him. But right now that wasn’t smart. It wasn’t safe.

After riding for a while, AJ felt Brian shift next to him. Then a voice was by his ear, soft and sweet. “You getting sick here, Alex? You look like you’ve caught something.”

What, huh? Oh, a cold. That was perfect. It was the  _perfect_  excuse. “Yeah.” He deliberately made his voice a croak. “Stomach bug.”

Brian said nothing else but he did move over enough to let his arm brush against AJ’s leg in a gesture obviously meant to be reassuring. All it did for AJ was make him have to grit his teeth to keep from moving so that Brian wouldn’t notice his jitteriness.

It seemed to take forever to reach the hotel. The whole time, AJ was aware of the man next to him. How confused Brian was and even the little hint of hurt in his eyes that AJ glimpsed under a passing street light.

As soon as the van parked and the others had moved, AJ almost launched out of the van. He worked hard to contain the energy in his body but it didn’t seem to work. He almost ran to the elevator and, once they were inside, bounced back and forth as he waited for it to climb up.

“You ok, Age?” Kevin asked suddenly, eyeing AJ curiously.

Shit, shit! He knew, he fucking knew. Oh, he was fucked now. He was so royally fucked! Would this elevator hurry up? They were all looking at him now. They all knew. The bastards. Who did they think they were, judging him? He could see the judgment in their eyes. They knew he was high and they automatically were assuming that he’d done it intentionally. If he told them his water was spiked they wouldn’t believe him. Assholes.

The doors to the elevator burst open and AJ shot out of them like a rocket, racing down to his hotel room. It took three fumbling tries before he got his key out of his pocket. Thank God he’d brought it. He’d almost left it in Brian’s room, thinking that he’d be in there for the night.

Finally he got it open and was free to dash inside. The door slammed shut behind him. Safe. He was safe.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

Something wasn’t right. Brian stood in the hallway, staring at the door that had just snapped shut. What on earth was going on with AJ? In the van, Brian had asked him if he was sick and AJ had said yeah, but it hadn’t sounded honest. Something told Brian that AJ wasn’t sick. But, if he wasn’t sick then what was it?

A soft voice caught Brian’s attention, startling him. “You ok, Frick?”

Nick stood at his side, a safe distance away from him. God bless Nick for understanding, for not getting upset with him that he was still hesitant to touch. Brian knew that Nick had heard him freaking out about the possibility of STD’s. It was nice to know that Nick was respecting that fear and staying back.

“I’m ok, Nick.” HE forced himself to say. He wasn’t, not really, but what else could he say? He couldn’t tell Nick the truth. Couldn’t explain it to him without hurting him, which was the last thing that Brian wanted to do. But the only person that he really wanted around him right then was AJ. He helped with the nightmares. He helped keep Brian sane. “I’d prefer to just be alone for a while.” The lie rolled off his tongue, easier than he’d thought it would be.

No, he couldn’t be selfish, demanding AJ’s attention when whatever was going on was bothering him. He’d come back. He wouldn’t leave him. That wasn’t the kind of guy AJ was. Right?

That thought eating at his brain, Brian headed into his hotel room and stripped down for bed. Alone in a way he hadn’t been for days now, he lay in the bed for a long while before sleep finally came to him.

The nightmares didn’t take long to start. First, the same nightmare that always came. The rape, played over and over in his mind. It held him under, not letting him wake, keeping him locked in it. Then it changed, morphed into something else.

_He could see his attacker; see that familiar blond hair. That face and body that so resembled Nick. Fear clamored inside of him, eating at his heart. He wanted to run, but he couldn’t. He wanted to escape, but there was no way._

_Looking to the ground, he saw what held him there. Sweet God. “Oh, no!” he cried out. No, please no! AJ lay in a naked heap at the man’s feet. He was soaked with blood and covered in bruises._

_“You thought you could fuck around with me?” That horrible voice hissed to him. He heard laughter echoing off the walls. Where were they? Was AJ alive! Please, God, let him be alive! “I taught your little bitch here the same lesson I taught you. Looks like I’m going to have to teach it to you again.”_

_“No, please!” Brian begged. He hated himself for begging. Hated how easily he was reduced to this quivering mess. “Please!”_

_“Please what?” That voice taunted. “Don’t hurt you? Don’t hurt him?”_

_“Don’t hurt him! He didn’t do anything!”_

_“I’ll hurt everyone you love. I’ll kill them all the same way I killed that boy.” A knife suddenly appeared in the man’s hand._

_With a scream, the knife plunged down, buried to the hilt in AJ’s chest. A scream echoed in Brian’s ears. The man’s, AJ’s, his, he didn’t know. It went on and on until he was about to explode with it._

The scream was what pulled Brian up out of his dream. He sat up straight in bed, air gasping in and out of his tortured lungs, the world spinning around him. He looked over at the digital clock and saw the time. He’d been asleep for hours.

One thought came through above all others. AJ. He had to get to AJ. Clinging to that, he launched from the bed, wrapped himself in his robe, and tore from the room.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

How long had it been? AJ swore lightly to himself. He looked over at the clock on the nightstand. Hours. It had been hours. The high was done and over with, which was good. But that left room for so much more. The craving to go find more, to hit up contacts he knew in this city, was one of the strongest he’d ever dealt with.

His hands shook with the force of that need. He gripped them together tightly, his arms wrapped around his knees. His grip was so tight it was leaving fingernail indents in his skin but he didn’t even notice.

God, he needed something, someone. He needed help! But he didn’t trust himself to move from his spot on the bed. If he did, there was no telling what he’d do. The only thing that kept him here, that kept him safe, was the iron grip he had on his body. He sat as still as a statue, not letting himself move even an inch.

A soft knock at his door caught his attention, breaking his pose enough that his eyes moved to where the door was at. Beyond that, he didn’t move. Whoever it was could go away. He couldn’t get up and answer. Couldn’t see anyone right now. They’d never believe him. Especially since he hadn’t said anything right away. Since he’d lied and let them think he was sick. If he told them now they’d think he did it himself and was trying to cover it up with lies.

The knock came again, a little more insistent this time. Then a voice, one that ripped at AJ’s heart.

“Alex? It’s me. It’s….it’s Brian. Will you answer your door, please?”

Oh, Christ! It had to be Brian, didn’t it? Everything in AJ yearned to go over there and open the door. If Brian was knocking like this he must need help. This was a huge step for Brian, even! To knock on AJ’s door and ask for help was something he wasn’t usually able to do. But AJ knew he couldn’t get up. If he did, the consequences would be so much worse.

“Please, Alex. I, I need you. Please. The dreams, they won’t stop.” His voice broke on that. There was a soft sound against the door. AJ pictured Brian resting his head against it. Tears burned in his eyes, making trails down his cheek. He wanted to open the door, to let Brian in, but he couldn’t.

“I don’t care if you’re sick. Please, just let me sit in there for a while. I don’t care if I get sick. I can’t, I can’t go to anyone else.”

The tears came harder and faster. God, he was a bastard. A royal bastard. Couldn’t even put aside his own addiction for the person he cared about so much. What did that say about him?

“No one else understands like you. I can’t do this alone. Please, open the door. Please.”

Each word was like a blow to the chest. Never in his life had AJ hated himself more than he did right at that moment. Nothing had ever hurt like this. Though his body stayed locked in place, it shook with the fore of holding his sobs in place and with the effort it took not to launch over and rip the door open to let Brian in.

He heard the sound of Brian’s footsteps as he walked away from the door, each one echoing in his mind. In the dark of his room, AJ shook as the craving and self-loathing ripped their way through his insides. With no one there to witness his shame, he cried.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

So went one of the longest nights that AJ or Brian had ever felt. By the time morning rolled around, neither one of them was well, but both knew that they had to get up and get on their busses. Brian packed up his room and moved down to his bus with a mechanical feeling. His brain was consumed with the terror of the night and the horrible sinking sensation in his heart that told him that AJ was tired of his shit. That AJ had given up on him. Left him.

AJ barely managed to dress himself past the shaking in his hands. He felt like he’d be cut to pieces inside, had salt poured over the wounds, and then been tossed to the side of the road. The urge to go out and score was still there, but it wasn’t as intense. The pain he felt at hurting Brian had won out over the craving.

The worst part was, he knew he was still unfit company for anyone. They’d look at him and they’d know.  Their distrust he could handle. Their accusations, well, he’d deal with that. What kept him apart from them, apart from Brian, was the knowledge that he couldn’t control himself like this. There was a possibility that he could do or say something to hurt Brian more than he already was. That was all that kept AJ back from him.

Somehow he got downstairs, almost to the busses, before he ran in to anyone. The bad part, it was Nick he ran into. All he had was a brief moment to thank God that his hood was up and that his ball cap helped hide his face. Then Nick was grabbing his arm, holding him in place. “What the hell’s the matter with you?” he snapped.

AJ gritted his teeth and tried to control himself. At the edge of the craving for more were the sensations of the come down. The withdrawal. The simple touch of Nick’s hand on his skin hurt like he was being branded with fire. “Excuse me?” He finally managed to say.

“You know what I’m talking about. I trusted you!” Nick’s voice dropped down to a hiss as his grip tightened, searing AJ even more. “I trusted you to take care of him and you bailed on him last night. I heard him, begging through your door. You never came out. He came and got on his bus and he looks like shit. What the hell is wrong with you?”

AJ closed his eyes on a wave of pain. Nick’s words only served to drive that knife a little deeper into his heart. There was nothing he could say to excuse himself. All he could do was try to make sure Brian was taken care of until he was better.

“Trust me, Nick. I know.” The words slipped out before he realized it. The pain and self-hatred in them must have been obvious because Nick’s grip slackened some. Before his friend could press him, AJ rasped out “Ride with him, please. Tell him he didn’t do anything wrong and I’ll see him as soon as I can. Take care of him for me until I can.”

“Age…is something going on?” The tone to Nick’s voice had changed to concerned. His hand now was trying to comfort instead of gripping AJ in place.

The urge to unload his problems on Nick was tempting. Before he could give in to it, he pulled away from his grip. “I’m fine.” He said hoarsely before running to his bus. He made it inside and straight to the back of the bus before he buckled underneath it all, dropping in mid step to the ground.

He didn’t have the strength to move. Kneeling on the ground, his head buried against his duffel bag, he concentrated on breathing in and out. His body shivered, alternating between hot and cold. His skin itched like mad. His fingers curled into his hair to try and resist scratching his skin.

_You’ve dealt with worse than this, Mclean._  He told himself over and over.  _The withdrawals at the center were worse than this. This is mild. You can do it. It just feels strong because it’s been so long since you’ve done it. Remember what they told you at rehab. You may stop, but your body is always addicted. One taste is all it takes to send you physically spiraling again. You just have to be strong. For you. For Brian._

“AJ.”

That soft voice was all the warning AJ had before a pair of arms came around him. He bucked against them, trying to rip away and hide somewhere, but they held him tightly. There was no doubt who it was. He’d recognized the voice the same way he now recognized the embrace.

“Shh, shh.” That voice said again. “I’ve got you. Come on, honey. I’ve got you.”

Was there any point in fighting? AJ stopped trying to break free and let himself melt. His tears came again, pouring down his cheeks as the quivers seemed to shake him from head to toe. Arms banded around him, familiar hands pressing against his chest as they held him close. He gripped those hands tightly, trying not to itch at his skin. “Help me.” He whispered roughly. “Please, help me.”

“Tell me what happened.” Howie said softly.

There, kneeling on the floor of his bus, AJ let the story pour from him to a pair of ears that had always been there for him and always would be.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

Curled up in his bunk, Brian almost didn’t hear the sound of someone coming up the stairs of his bus. He was too lost in thought to really pay attention to the world around him. He’d been through one hell of a night and was feeling it this morning. What little sleep he’d managed to get was plagued with nightmares. While awake his brain had taunted him with his own fears.

Why hadn’t AJ answered his door? Had he even been in there? There was no where else that Brian could think of for AJ to be. But if he’d been in there, why hadn’t he answered the door? Those questions went round and round in his mind.

The sound of someone clearing their throat almost had Brian screaming. As it was he plastered himself against the wall, staring out with wide eyes to where Nick stood. Shit.

“Sorry!” Nick apologized quickly. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

Brian took a deep breath to calm his nerves. Fuck, he really needed to mellow out before he gave himself a heart attack. “It’s ok. I was just, thinking, that’s all.”

“Deep thoughts?” His best friend stretched out on the bunk opposite him, propping his head up in his hand. Laying like this, it was almost easy enough to relax. Almost.

“Just…thinking.”

Nick stared at him for a few moments, silent. Then, with his usual uncanny talent for seeing things that others didn’t, he asked “This about AJ and how he’s hiding out?”

Well, hell, that meant that he wasn’t going crazy. Nick was noticing it too. The implications of that were heart wrenching. So AJ was hiding from him. Why? Was he tired of Brian’s problems? Were they really too much for him now? Or…or was he disgusted with Brian for his attempt at suicide? God, oh God. He hated these thoughts. “Yeah.” He finally managed to say.

“We talked before I got on the bus. He wanted me to tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong and he’ll see you as soon as he can.”

Something in that sentence broke through Brian’s heartache. “As soon as he can?” He repeated. That sounded like something was wrong with AJ. Was that just wishful thinking on his part, that it was AJ and not something he had done to AJ? What kind of person was he to wish that something was wrong with someone he cared about just so he wouldn’t be at fault here?

“Yeah. Sounded weird to me too.”

The bus started up, the engines roaring to life. As it pulled out and started down the road the two friends stayed quiet for a while, each thinking their own thoughts. They stayed that way for a good hour, each trying to unravel their own thoughts, taking solace from one another’s company.

It was Nick who finally broke the silence. “Look, Bri. I’m not sure what’s good to say and what’s not right now. Even if you won’t admit it, the rest of us see that you’re at the end of your rope. You don’t have a whole lot left right now before you’ll crash. Maybe J is just having a little shit right now and he doesn’t want to dump it on you with all the shit of your own you have going on.”

Maybe. But it didn’t feel right. Something was off here. Something that he hadn’t noticed before. It made his own pain easier to forget for the moment if he focused on AJ. It pushed back the exhaustion of a mostly sleepless night; pushed away the weakness that came from lack of food. “Something was up with him after the show last night. He was fine performing, but when he came back from changing he was all weird.”

A sigh from Nick drew Brian’s eyes. He looked over at the man who had been his best friend for years now. “You know something.” He said softly. It was there on Nick’s face for anyone who knew how to read him. “You tell me, Nick. Tell me now. Don’t you keep this from me. What’s going on?”

Another sigh, this one sounding a little resigned. “I don’t know anything positive.” He started out. When Brian made to protest, he raised a hand to stop him. “No, I don’t. Just, a bad feeling.” Sitting up, Nick let his legs and head stick out the bunk, his feet dangling. “How he was acting, didn’t that, well, remind you of back when…when he was using? An this morning, he was a lot like he used to be when he’d come down from it.”

Those words hit Brian like a fist in the gut. Using? Back when AJ did coke? He wanted to instantly deny it, but images came to mind. Memories of the times he’d seen AJ flying high. No, no way. “Who the hell would slip him something, though?” Brian demanded, sitting up.

Nick looked honestly confused. “Slip him something? Brian, wait. Honey. Don’t you think it’s more likely he, well, you know…”

"What?” Sliding out of the bunk, Brian stood and glared at Nick. He didn’t realize how much like his old self he looked right then. All he could think about was shock at what Nick was suggesting. “You think he went and intentionally got high? No. Absolutely no way, Frack.”

“Bri…”

“I said no! He’s been craving lately, yeah. He’s been stressed. But he wouldn’t go out and do this again. I know him. He just wouldn’t.”

 "Pit stop!” The driver’s voice interrupted their conversation.

 In that moment, Brian made a split second decision. He grabbed his bag from his bunk and, as the bus pulled to a stop he hurried out the doors and straight to AJ’s bus. He didn’t even pause as he climbed inside.

 What he found didn’t surprise him. AJ was curled up on the couch, tons of blankets wrapped around him so that he looked like a mummy, a cup of warm tea in his shaking hands; and Howie sitting next to him, one arm around his shoulders. They both looked up at Brian’s entrance.

 Locking eyes with AJ, he bluntly asked “Were you high on coke last night?”

 Pain flashed in AJ’s eyes, gone quick as a flash. He lifted his chin a little. “Yes.” That was all he said.

 Anger boiled its way through Brian’s body. “How the hell did someone manage to slip you some coke?”

 Those words seemed to shock AJ completely. He stared, dumbfounded, at Brian. Howie chose that moment to discreetly stand and exit the bus.  Once the doors were shut an the bus turned back on, AJ spoke in a raspy, quiet voice. “You don’t think I did it?”

 “Of course not!” Brian snapped at him. “I’m not stupid, Alex. But I want to know who the hell did and what happened?”

The whole story seemed to pour from AJ then. All that had happened, the way he’d felt, the things he’d thought of. When his story was done he looked up at Brian with pleading eyes. “I am so sorry I didn’t answer the door, Bri. God, I’m sorry. But I couldn’t trust myself, see? I knew if I moved from my bed I’d keep going till I found some way to score. I couldn’t do that. Not again. It broke my heart to listen to you.” Shaky, AJ set his cup aside.

Before AJ could rise, Brian moved and sat down beside him. All his anger was gone in the face of AJ’s problem. He only felt sad for them both, and worried for AJ.

It took almost all his courage to do what he did next, but in his heart it felt right. He did something he had done with AJ, with the others, a million times before. He lay down on the couch and pillowed his head in AJ’s lap.

He felt AJ startle slightly with surprise. Then, hesitantly, a hand started combing Brian’s hair back. “We’ll figure out who did this to you, Alex. Up security and such.” Brian felt his eyes drift closed, comfortable where he was. The hand in his hair never stopped moving. “An I’m not mad, so don’t apologize again. I understand.”

“I…” AJ broke off, clearing his throat. “I can help you sleep now.”

A small smile curved Brian’s lips. “I’ll keep you pinned so you can try and sleep too. You won’t be able to get up without waking me up.”

The soft chuckle told Brian he’d succeeded in making AJ smile. The two stayed where they were, each feeling more peace than they had all night, and each one wondering what the hell was going on and what on earth they were going to be able to do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable14.html


	15. Fourteenth Chapter

Fourteenth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ _It’s gonna be okay._ ”

How many times Brian had heard those words from Aj’s lips? Too many times but, yet, they still didn’t mean nothing, seen that something always happened when he started to believe them. Right now,  _okay_  was just an empty word, a promise deprived of the hope that something good would come out from this.

Still, lying so snuggled up beside Aj, Brian felt safer. The fear had been pushed in a corner and, looking from that position, it seemed like so small and frail: dread about being infected and to infect someone else; terror about being held captive by a man who didn’t seem to have reins when it came to prove his point. Inside Aj’s arms, Brian knew he could raise up again, stronger than before. It was when he wasn’t near Aj that everything went downhill, rumbling down so fast that made every efforts to stop it so useless.

Like the night before, that nightmare that still lingered in the back of his mind. But... it wasn’t only a representation of his subconscious, no, it was like a presage of what had happened. He knew that Aj wouldn’t deliberately used drug again, especially not after what he told him in the aftermath of his attempted suicide. So, the only solution possible was that someone drugged him, framed him so everyone would know that nothing had changed, that Aj was still the same person he was long ago. But why?

“Shh, sleep. You can worry after.”

Sleep. That sounded so tempting but... they were wasting time! He didn’t like how passive he had been in the past days, how much he had rely on Aj’s strong hold that now that he was seeing him weaker, stripped down of some layers of armor, he felt... well, he didn’t know exactly what he was feeling, it was a combination of being totally stranded away – because if Aj couldn’t help him, who would take his place? – and a sprung of strengths coming from some place he didn’t know he still held inside.

Now he knew how to read the signs, from the shivers travelling up and down the body underneath him to the elaborated breath. He knew that his mind was trying to face the newer craving, after being deprived by that heavenly drug for so long. What he didn’t know was what he could do to help Alex since it was partially his fault.

“If you want to help, then go to sleep and let me do all the worry, hon.”

It was like Aj was inside his mind, like he could hear what he was thinking. Maybe it was because he was so easy to read in that moment or maybe it was because Aj seemed to be so perceptive about what he needed all the time and... Brian wanted to believe that this was something that Aj did only for him. He never felt less scared to let himself over someone’s else hand. Unconsciously, he shifted himself closer, tentatively placing one of his hand upon Aj’s knee. Just like a reflex, Aj’s hand, the one that wasn’t still running though his hair, clenched around his fingers, a soft squeeze that was telling him  _I’ve got you, you’re safe, let yourself go._

And that he did, sighing and feeling, for the first time, completely relaxed.

Aj waited until the steady breathing told him that Brian was finally asleep. He removed one of the blankets he had around him and tucked it around the man curled up in his lap. Brian murmured a tiny sleepily protest at the suddenly stop of stroking but a few hushes brought him back under the darkness.

He didn’t know how long he stayed there, sat on a couch while the bus travelled roads he knew by heart, just listening to the sound of Brian’s breathing. Too much was on his mind to try to give in the sleep was so tempting calling him but, for now, those things were running too fast for him to take one and analyze it.

Because, among everything, the man he was holding was the only thing he could think of. By now, he should have been used to Brian shocking him and yet, once again, the older had managed to catch him by surprise. He had the right to be mad, he had the right to think that he had fucked up once more. Instead, when he had jumped on the bus, the only emotion he had recognize in those blue pools were concern.

He had been afraid about his reaction, although he knew it was a silly fear after all him and Brian had been through in those last days. Much bigger pain was the apprehension that he had let Brian down the first time he took courage and asked for help. But then... then Brian surprised him forgetting about his problems and worrying about him: for a moment, it seemed like everything was back to normal, how they were supposed to be, with Brian caring and him the subject of it.

_You amaze me, you know?_ Aj thought, looking down on Brian.  _The way you keep think about others instead of thinking about you. But now, more than ever, it’s your time to be selfish. It’s your time to stop and focus on getting better because it would shattered me if something happens to you._

There was too much on his shoulders, weights that seemed to drag him underground but Brian was fighting, even though it didn’t seemed to him. And that... that was the right push for him to fight his own problems, those cravings brought back forcedly to life after being drugged and the will to fight the endless need to be high enough to forget everything.

His trail of thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Shocked, he realized that the bus had made the second stop of its travel and that meant that were left only few hours of travelling.

“Jay? You awake?” Kevin appeared on the doorstep with a bag in one hand and a cardboard tray with three cups still steaming.

“Yeah.” He replied softly, hoping that the older would catch the fact that Brian was sleeping against him. And Kevin did, a warm smile appearing on his face as he saw his cousin finally dead to the world. He looked so worn out that morning that Kevin had wanted to do whatever was needed to make him going to sleep. He should have known that Aj was the right answer to his prayers.

He took his time to put the bag on the kitchen counter, along with the cups.

Aj was the first one to break the uncomfortable silence. “I guess Howie or Nick told you about what happened.”

“Why don’t you tell me your side?”

“I don’t think it will change your mind.”

“You don’t know what I’m thinking.”

“Doesn’t take a scientist.”

Kevin didn’t reply immediately. He took two cups and brought them to where Brian and Aj were sitting. After handing one cup to Aj, he took the sofa on the other side and sat down. Other minutes of silence passed before Kevin would spoke up.

“If you want to know, I’m disappointed. But not because you were high. I’m disappointed because you hide it from me. I’m disappointed because you thought that I was going to be mad at you for something that you didn’t do.”

“You... you...” Aj stuttered, suddenly he couldn’t form any reply.

“Do you think that after all that I told you I would think that you deliberately got drugged when Brian depended so much on you?”

The point was that Kevin didn’t need to scream to make people feeling smaller and the biggest idiot of the world. He maintained a low voice but the light in his eyes was speaking with a much louder voice.

Irritation began to make its way inside Aj’s veins, swimming along his blood: in another time, in another place, he would have jumped on his feet and fought with Kevin. But Brian prevented him in doing that and, in a way, he was grateful about it.

So, he just lowered his eyes and muttered a simple  _I’m sorry._

“Are you okay?” Kevin asked. “Do you need... I don’t know... to call someone? Do you need me to check if there is a center or something?”

“Calm down, Kevin!” Aj snapped, although it was good to have Kevin worried about him instead than pissed. And, in that moment, he understood why Brian was always so reluctant to let his cousin know about his problems. “The worst is gone. And, as soon as we get to the hotel, I’ll try to call my therapist. I won’t fall back, you have to trust me on that.”

“I trust you, Jay. But, if you need to have some time off...”

“It’s not me who needs it.”

“I know. And I’m working on it. It’s been all morning that I’m trying to find a compromise with management. We have to wait another week for a break but I don’t think Brian can holding on until then.”

Tightening up the blanket around Brian, Aj could only nodded. “I’ve been trying to tell him that he needs to focus on himself but it didn’t work.”

“He’s stubborn. That’s why you have to work on the sides.” Kevin answered with a grin. “But, we might be lucky this time. With the news of the murder, management is kinda scared that something could happen at one of our show. So, they’re more willing to postpone some of the dates to calm down the waters a little bit.”

“How many days?”

“For now, three. I told them that Brian is a little “upset” about this story. If Brian wants to tell them the truth is up to him. Until then, we can use illness and upsetting as alibi.”

“It can’t work forever, you know? Especially if...” Aj stopped himself before finishing what he was saying. It was a scary thought and, maybe, he was overstating the facts but what happened to him couldn’t be brushed off as a simple coincidence.

“If what?”

Aj didn’t pay attention to Kevin as he tried to think about the whole scheme. There was no doubt that the man that raped Brian was the same guy who had killed that guy, especially because of the word craved into his skin. Mine. That meant only one thing and that was that he wanted Brian for only himself. Looking at that way, that man had to be the one slipping the drug.

“Jay, please, tell me that you aren’t thinking that...”

“Yes. They had to be the same person. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.”

Kevin got up and started pacing, which made Aj smiling despite the seriousness of the situation: Brian did the same thing when he was worried or angry.

“This is crazy!” Kevin exclaimed, rising a little the tone. Although still sleeping, Brian reacted snuggling closer to Aj, like he was trying to hide.

“Kevin.” Aj hissed.

The older noticed the slight tremors of the blanket around Brian. “Sorry. But...”

“I know, I know. We’ll ask for a closer security, especially around Brian.”

“And around you too. If he’s following us, he must see you as a obstacle to get his prize since you are the one who spend most of the time around Brian.”

Aj didn’t bother to answer that, it seemed unnecessary. “We won’t leave Brian alone. If I can’t be with him, one of you has to be there.”

Kevin nodded. “And I bet he doesn’t have to know, right?”

Aj stayed silent for a minute, trying to find the right answer. He promised Brian to always tell him the truth because that was the only way to deal with the situation but this... this wasn’t something he could deal with. Knowing Brian, he would put down his foot about being watched over like a little child. But they couldn’t take that chance, this was much bigger than what they originally thought and Aj knew, deep inside, that it would be long before Brian could only focus on healing.

_I won’t let anything happen to you._

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

The show had just finished and Brian was walking towards his dressing room when the first wave of dizziness hit him. He stopped, closing his eyes and leaning heavily against the wall, waiting for the world to stop dancing around him like it was performing on stage one of their most up-tempo song. The adrenaline coming from the show had worn off and had left him feeling so drained that he didn’t even care about getting in his dressing room and take a shower, he just wanted to crawl in his bed and sleep until he could feel human again.

Not that he would have let Kevin cancel another concert, performing was the only thing, aside Aj, that was keeping him sane. Being able to go on a stage and losing himself in the music was like getting out from the ocean and breathe fresh air. He didn’t have to think, he didn’t have to worry about anything: it was only him and the music. He wished he could stay up there all the time, he wished he could feel that comfortable in his own skin even when the curtains were closed and light were turned off.

In some ways, he managed to walk through his dressing room, imagining to find Aj to wait for him to collect their things and then go to the bus. He didn’t even remember where they were supposed to be after, if travelling again or going to an hotel. Honestly, he didn’t care which bed he was going to lie down on, he just wanted to sleep. And he could do that only if he was beside Alex.

But Aj wasn’t there. A sudden panic washed over him, boosted by his lingering nightmare that his attacker had gone after Aj but he tried to calm down his nerves. He didn’t an extra attack when he could barely stand up. Alex was okay. With that mantra he wobbled until he reached the couch and simply slumped down on it. The room started to spin again so he closed his eyes, hoping at last to fall asleep.

Not such luck since Nick chose that moment to enter.

"Hey, Bri. Can I talk..." as soon as he laid his eyes on Brian's face, he immediately noticed that something was off. Although his first instinct was to rush over him, he stayed where he was, knowing that it would be worse if Brian panicked. "Are you feeling okay? You don't look too hot."

Brian managed a smile at the concern heard in Nick's voice but didn't dare to open his eyes, fearing that the room would start spinning again. "I'm okay. Just... tired."

"Bri, I'm tired. You look like you're about to pass out."

"No kidding." Brian muttered under his breath. Gosh, where was Aj? He was the only one who he felt comfortable to lean on. What if...? No, no, security had been tightened up and Aj had promised to not drink anything in his dressing room. 

"Bri, seriously, do I have to call someone?" Nick was growing worried and worried seeing how pale Brian looked. If he would let him, he would have picked him up and took him at the first hospital. 

"Do you know where Al... Aj is?"

"He's talking with Kevin and the security. That's why I'm here, he told me to get you on the bus." Nick answered. "And I wanted to talk to you anyway."

"Something happened?"

"No, no! Don't worry! Just... I wanted to apologize."

"For what?”

“The other day. I shouldn’t had jumped into conclusion about Aj and drugs. I know he isn’t that person anymore but... I was just angry at him.”

Brian couldn’t help the muffled shocked sound passing by his lips. But he didn’t if he was more shocked about Nick apologizing or about the reason behind that excuse.

“I heard your pleas that night and it took everything to not coming and comfort you, as I knew you wouldn’t let me. Aj is, now, the only one who really gets past your fears and the fact that he didn’t open up when you asked for help... it made me mad. And... realizing that the reason why he didn’t do it was because he was high...”

“It made you madder?”

“Yes.”

Brian sighed. He didn’t want to use any energy left to argue with Nick, although he knew that more than arguing Nick wanted to come clean, clear the mess of emotions inside him, but that was his role: listening to him and giving him advice. He patted the spot beside him on the couch. “Come here.”

Nick obeyed and sat down beside him, keeping a safe distance between them.

“I’m humbled down by your concern. But you have to know that Aj,  _this_  Aj, would never leave someone he cared in time of needing. Most, I’m sure he would never go back in doing drugs. Why would he do it? I know that this situation is hard even for you guys and I’m so sorry...”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Nick interrupted before Brian could even finish his apology. “Don’t you dare to apologize for something you didn’t do!”

“That’s me, no?” Brian joked, smiling tiredly. “Nick, you have to trust me on this.”

“I do.” Nick answered softly. “I’ve always trusted you. But... I guess it was less scary thinking that Aj was doing drugs instead than...”

“... than thinking that someone had managed to break through security and slipped coke in Aj’s dressing room?”

Nick laughed. “Something like that.”

“You’re a good friend, Nick. The best friend I could ever ask for.”

“I’ve learned from the best. Who, before you ask, is you.”

Breathing a little quicker, Brian leaned over and put his head on Nick’s shoulder. It was a huge step for him, being this close to someone who reminded him about his rapist and he felt awful about the fact that he had to keep saying to himself that this was his Nick, his little Nicky and nothing harm would come if he touched him. He had decided, during his sleep, that this fear of him was so stupid that he shouldn’t be so prisoner of it. It was time to react and fight back. Not having the energies in that moment was just a little and meaningless detail.

Nick felt a new wave of hope stirring in him at that sudden touch. He dared to lean his head against Brian’s hair and, aside from a little flinch quickly gone, they managed to stay like that for some time before Brian broke the contact.

“Sorry but... I can’t...” He managed to say, fighting the constant itching.

“Ehi, it’s okay. It’s a start and I’m so proud of you.”

Brian tilted his head up and looked at Nick with a genuine smile. “Thanks.”

“For what? Thank me after I manage to get you in a McDonald so you can eat some.”

At the mere thought of food, Brian’s stomach churned, stirring up the nausea. “Nick, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I just... I just want to sleep.”

The frown born from the worry didn’t disappear on Nick’s face but sleeping was always better than nothing. So he hopped up and lend out his head. “Come on. I’ll help you over.”

Brian was ready to refuse but another vertigo hit him and he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk to the bus without falling on the floor.

“Let’s go.”

 

 

 

 

***********

 

 

 

 

The dressing room was empty when Zach stepping inside, closing the door behind his back. No one had saw him, no one had tried to stop him and they really thought that one or two more bodyguards could stop him? Laughing maniacally, he took out a white small bag from his pocket while he surveyed the area.

He thought, he had believed that Brian would recognize how bad was that Aj, he had hoped that his trick had shown Brian that he could be hurt because of that addicted and he couldn’t depend on someone who was so easily to fall back in his old bad habits. But then... then he saw them, outside the venue, and Brian was still so close to Aj that it had taken everything to not go and kill that piece of shit with his bare hands. How he dared?

Brian was so nice to stick with him, that he had thought. Because that was the kinda of guy that Brian was, one that stayed beside a friend even if it meant danger. And someone had to protect him, had to show him the real soul hidden behind the mask of someone in trouble.

That was why he was there: slipping the drug in the water hadn’t been enough; he had to do something that would scream against Aj.

He knew what to do, the bag was big enough that, if found by the right people, it would send that little shit directly to jail. And with Aj no longer beside Brian... oh yes, his dream would come true.

_“You’re the one that should be going to jail! You’re a murder! A sick man!”_

“Stop! Stop! I’m not sick, I’m just in love!”

_“This isn’t love! This is beyond obsession! Keep up and you will go so down that no one could ever pick you up!”_

“No, no, no! You’re all wrong! Brian would be with me and no one can ever stop me!”

After being sure to have put the drug in the right duffel bag, Zach stormed out before someone would come in. He was read to run when he heard a voice, the sweetest voice in the entire world, that made him stopped on his feet.

_“Run, idiot! You’re gonna be caught if you don’t run!”_

Oh, he knew he had to run but why they couldn’t understand that he had, he must see Brian, even if for a brief second?

Slowly, he turned around, following the lead of that heavenly sound. Only a few steps divided him from his angel, his heart was racing so fast and loudly that it had silenced those nasty voices in his head. He wasn’t alone but it wouldn’t be hard get rid of that blonde guy, Nick was his name? It didn’t matter, it mattered the fact that he was in the same place as Brian, breathing the same air Brian was breathing.

Why he couldn’t see that they were perfect for each other?

That brief encounter reinforced his will; everything and everyone must be sacrificed in order to have Brian. And, in that very moment, something happened: Brian turned around while Nick was on the phone and shocked had him frozen as he found him staring back. He opened his mouth, those delicious lips, to say something that didn’t resound in the hallway.

Zach smiled wickedly. “You’re gonna be mine.” He mouthed before disappearing in the darkness.

 

 

 

 

 

**********

 

 

Brian thought he was dreaming, still asleep on the dressing room’s couch while waiting for Alex to get him. Yes, that’s the only explanation possible because the truth was too scaring to be considered as reality.

He was walking in the hallway, slowly because each steps he made took an amount of energy that was rapidly draining away, when Nick’s phone started to ring; Nick, at first, didn’t bother to answer but the persistent loud ring wouldn’t want to stop so he checked who was the caller. When the id said it was his mother, Nick had to answer and Brian knew that hell would have come if he didn’t take that call. So Brian waited, senses wide alert and wondering if screaming at Jane that “she had to stay away from Nick for her sake” would be considered not so Brian likely.

So, he was waiting when he had the feeling that someone was watching him. At first, he dismissed it as a simple result of his paranoia but he still couldn’t shake away the feeling that someone was there, watching them. So, seeing that Nick’s call was still far from being over, he thought that it wouldn’t hurt to check: at least, he would use some energies to laugh at himself and what a paranoid he had become.

Oh, how he wanted to turn back time and just convince Nick to call his mother back when they would be safe inside their bus. How he wanted to still believe that he was too much trapped inside his mind that he was starting to see and hear things unreal. None of that because, when he turned around, he came to be face to face with the man that shattered him and his whole life.

He blinked rapidly, hoping that it was a fragment of his tortured imagination, but that blond hair and that wicked grin were still there every time he opened his eyes.

_You’re gonna be mine_

Words only mouthed but Brian heard them like they were screams. Then, the man was gone but Brian couldn’t make a step, couldn’t force himself to try to run or to scream. He had tried, of course: he had opened his mouth but nothing hadn’t come out, neither air had managed to bring relief to his lungs.

It was a downhill spiral, sucking him under the weight of realization how pitiful and useless were his attempt to protect himself and people he loved.

He didn’t’ hear Nick screaming for help or Aj trying to calm him down, keeping saying to breath. He was breathing, it wasn’t his fault if air didn’t want to step in a place so unworthy.

“I won’t let you give up, damn!” Aj’s words were the last thing Brian heard before darkness took control of his mind.

 

 

 

____________________________

 

Brian didn’t know where he was, the only thing that he knew was that he was floating in a soft dark sea, feeling boneless. He wanted to stay there and he didn’t care if someone would thought that he was hiding. He could hear Aj bickering about where they could shove it if they had a problem with that. Why did he fight so much about it when sleeping felt absolutely heaven? Part of his brain knew that he was able to sleep because of some kinda of medicine but, for now, it was too much drugged to point it out.

Then, out of nowhere, Brian felt someone’s hands pressing over his arm, a tight grip that reminded him of a place and a time he couldn’t forget. Oh gosh, what was that? Another nightmare? No, it felt more realistic, like it was happening wherever he was in the outside world. But his eyelids felt too heavy to just open them enough to pry what was happening. But... what if whoever was grabbing was someone determined to hurt him? What if it was...  _him?_  So, even inside his unconscious mind, he did the only thing he could think of, which was his own survival: he tried to struggle, getting away as far as he could while silently asking for help. The grip didn’t falter, it tightened up and the pain coming was so freaking real. Oh gosh, he had succeeded.

“What the hell are you trying to do? Stand back, don’t you see he’s panicking?”

Alex, thank God he was there! If Alex was there, it meant that he was safe and no one could ever harm him.

“I’m trying to do my job, I’ve got to change his IV.”

Iv? So he was most likely stuck in a hospital bed, still he didn’t have any clue why. His mind was still a little groggy and the more he tried to remember the more the result was only a headache growing.

Still, he didn’t like how that nurse was treating him so he tried to get away a little more, slamming his shoulder against the bed rail. And that hurt!

“Bri, calm down. It’s okay, no one is gonna hurt you. I’m here, I’m not gonna leave you alone.” Aj’s voice ripped shreds of fear from Brian. “Open your eyes, hon. You’re safe.”

He could do it, the comfort brought by Aj’s presence was a warm blanket thrown around him. slowly, he opened his eyes, feeling more exhausted and weak than he ever felt. “Alex?” he croaked out, his lips dry.

“Who else?” Aj joked, placing a hand on Brian’s forehead and sweeping away a curl. Ahead him, the male nurse backed away, muttering something about finding his doctor.  _What an idiot,_  Aj thought.

“I get that I’m in hospital. Why is the right question.” Brian said, attempting to sit up. “Gosh, did he have to bruise me while changing the Iv?” he asked as he noticed the black and blue spot around the needle.

“Your skin is too much delicate. You tend to bruise too easily.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “I do not.”

“Oh yes, you do. Ma was always scared that Jackie would thought that we were abusing you because of all the bruises you got playing basket with Nick.”

“That was because Nick didn’t like having his ass beating up and tried to win by cheating.”

“And that’s why I haven’t join you two when you were playing. Too much battle spirit for a simple game.”

“No, that’s because you suck at basketball.” Brian said flashing a tired smile. “So, what happened?”

“I was hoping you could tell me. What I know is that you had a full blown attack. Kevin was worried about how erratic was your heartbeat so we brought you to the ER.”

A warm but firm voice stopped the answer Brian was ready to give. It belonged to a tall man, younger than he might had thought and the white coat told him that he must be his doctor. “I’m surprise to find you awake, Mr. Littrell.” He said while getting inside the room, the other guys behind him. “But someone paged me telling that there has been some kind of problem. I’m dr.Gregor.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t called it a problem.”

“You’ve got another panic attack.” Aj reminded him.

“I didn’t!” Brian exclaimed. “I didn’t.” he repeated looking back at the doctor.

“He did.” Aj said, earning a glance from the guy in the bed.

“Okay, I did.” Brian finally admitted annoyed.

“Mind to tell me what brought this up?”

“I... I don’t like being woke up by someone who’s choking up my circulation.”

Nick laughed a little, relieved to see Brian back with his sense of humor.

“So, doctor, when I can go home?” Brian asked, already hating to be that much the center of attention.

“First, we have to talk about what brought you here.

“I know what brought me here.” Brian snorted, not really looking forward to hear a lecture about his lack of eating and taking care of himself. “I... I just had some rough days.”

“Sugar in your blood was so low that we had problems to find, which told us that you haven’t eaten for more than one day. You are also dehydrated so we’re giving you fluids and nutriments. But I’m more concerned about your heart, Mr. Littrell. With the lack of food, your heart had to overwork itself. And I think you understand what could happen if you’re going to keep up with this behavior.”

Brian lowered his eyes on his hands still on his lap, one of them gripping Aj’s hands. “I know.” He whispered. “I didn’t do on purpose. I’m... I’m just going through a rough patch.”

“I hope you didn’t do on purpose. So, going back to your first question, I can release you tomorrow under the agreement that you would rest for at least three days, three full meals. It’s necessary to give your body something so it can work at its best.” The doctor said, looking mostly to the men around his patient.

“He had some trouble with sleeping.” Aj asked.

“I’m prescribing him some sleeping pills, take them these few days so you can rest...”

Brian wasn’t listening. As soon as he heard the words “pills” his mind had taken him back to the bathroom hotel, bringing back all those thoughts that led him to try to end it all. What if he got tempted again?

“No.” The monosyllabic word left his lips before he could stop it but managed to freeze everyone in the room.

“Excuse?”

No was right. He couldn’t let something like that happen again. He would fight, yes, but on his own.

“I said no. I don’t want any pills.”

As he predicted, it was Kevin the first to jump in and protest. “Bri, it’s only for your own good.”

He didn’t answer, he just looked over the doctor and held his gaze. “I won’t take them.”

“Mr. Littrell...”

“Brian.”

“Brian.” Dr. Gregor corrected himself. “It’s just for a few days, a help while dealing with stress. Then, you can use them only if necessary.”

“I don’t care.” Brian replied with that tone of voice that implied that he wasn’t going to stand back on his decision. That determination was in contrast with the way his fingers were twisting, grasping and scratching on his lap. Aj noticed that, just as like he noticed how tensed Brian’s body was and how probably he was trying to fake confidence in something he didn’t have the strength to fight over. because Aj knew why Brian was so firmly against the pills, the same reason why he didn’t take pain medication only if it was extremely necessary.

So, he took hold of his hands, preventing more harm, and took courage to held up one to his cheek. “Bri, what if I keep them?”

Brian rolled his gaze to look into Aj’s eyes, losing some of his strength. Aj knew, Aj understood so why he wasn’t on his side? “Alex...” he pleaded, a crack of emotions slipping through his voice.

“I know, hon.” Aj softly replied, stroking his thumb. “But you need to sleep. I’m gonna keep them and you know you can’t get pass me.” Aj reassured him, squeezing his hand and hoping for a smile that didn’t appear.

Brian managed a simply nod, squeezing back Aj’s hand painfully hard. He chanced then a glance up over the guys, feeling their gaze on him but afraid about what he would see in their eyes: pity? Disgust? Had they understand why he didn’t want to take any chance? Maybe not Kevin, for that he would never think of him at this low point. And maybe not Howie, although he was more keen about picking up things that people gave him credit for. But Nick would know, Nick would look in his eyes and read everything. How many times he was going to be stripped down of his armory in front of Nick?

“Okay, I’m gonna write down the prescription along with one in case you have another panic attack.” Dr Gregor said, noticing how heavy the air had became. And, he might have some ideas about why his patient didn’t want to be on medication; he scribbled down some of his thoughts, along with the recommendation to seek the help of a consultant for what he thought could be very likely some kind of post traumatic disorder. There was no doubt that the young man brought in had been assaulted, most likely raped as his dislike of being touched pointed out. He got up from his seat and as he checked the vitals and the IV bags, he managed to let drop some drops of the medications, in hope to let him rest a little more. As far as he was concerned by his mental state, he knew that no good would come if they didn’t cure his physical symptoms.

“I’ll be back later. You guys can stay with him as long as he can sleep. That’s what he needs the most right now.”

After Dr. Gregor got out the room, a thick silence fell among them, each one thinking about what they should do to help their friend. Only Nick’s thoughts weren’t on the same line, he was still overanalyzing Brian’s reaction: something was odd in that, something that whispered to him a reality too unbelievable to grasp. Because Brian was too much stronger to fall in pieces like that and because there were no hopes left if even Brian acted like the only situation was to be gone.

“Tell me you didn’t.” He had waited until Brian’s eyes locked with his, praying that they would tell him another story. But they didn’t, instead they held that desperation and agony that Nick knew too well.

Brian tore away his gaze, hiding his face in the crock of Aj’s neck.

“Didn’t do what?” Kevin asked, puzzled by the situation.

“Tell me you didn’t.” Nick repeated, slower this time. When Brian still refused to acknowledge him, Nick turned the question to the only other one who would know the truth. “Aj?”

“He didn’t.” He answered, leaving out any details. Because that was the truth and there was a whole big difference between thinking about suicide and trying to succeed. He felt the shivers ragging the tiny frame of the body he was holding and just as he was about to bite Nick back, a tiny voice stepped through the layers of clothing.

“I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.” The defeated tone, mixed with drugged sleepiness, broke any barriers left in Nick, leaving him numb. “Please... don’t be mad.” Two sharp intakes of breath, followed by a murmured “oh my God”, could be heard behind Nick’s back but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about nothing that the sense of helpless feeling slowly raising above him and Nick had to go out or he would have screamed or, worse, broken something. All things Brian didn’t need to witness.

He backed out, almost tripping himself over a chair, and then left the room before someone would stop him.

Brian would be better off without him.

Aj waited until he was sure that Brian was sleeping before laying him down on the bed again. He wiped away the still wet trails of tears left on his face.

Kevin was there, frozen on his spot while trying to elaborate everything that had been told, wondering how in the hell he hadn’t know that or hadn’t prevented. What kind of cousin he was? What kind of protector, since he had failing Brian since the first time?

“Jay...”

But Aj didn’t let him go on. “Can you spare me the questions? Stay with him while I go talk with Nick.”

Howie stepped in. “You don’t have to leave, J. I can go myself so you can stay with Brian.”

But Aj held up his hand. “No, it’s something I can relate to. And Brian would be just fine. I don’t plan to stay away too long.”

Before wondering where Nick might be, a loud sound followed by a series of cursing told him where to find him: at the end of hallway, taking out his anger on a vending machine.

Truth was that Aj was mad too, although it was more the results of everything that had happened in those days, emotions and feelings that had pinned over one another since he couldn’t vent out while staying with Brian. But now... now Nick handed him the perfect chance to let out everything. And boy, if he was mad! He knew where Nick was coming from but, right now, he was more concerned about the man back in that room. By the time he finally met up with Nick, he had a little control over his emotions.

“What the hell, Nick!”

Nick kicked a second time the machine. “This stupid thing stole my money.”

“I wasn’t talking about that but your little stunt with Brian.”

Nick stopped from kicking a second time the vending machine. He didn’t look up to Aj, he rest his gaze on his shoes. “I’m not mad at him.”

“That’s not what you told him! Geez, Nick! He’s vulnerable now, he doesn’t need you to play little games with him!”

That made him snapped. “I’m not playing! How can you think that?”

Aj leaned over the wall with his right shoulder, crossing his arms over the chest. “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”

“I’m mad, okay? I want so bad to chase down that guy and literally kill him with my bare hands. I’m mad that Brian has to go through something like that! The Brian I knew would never thought about trying to kill himself!”

All anger Aj had felt before, now had flown away seeing how unsure and clueless Nick was. Sometimes, they forgot how much young Nick still was, even though he had been through experiences and things that had him matured more than most of guys of his same age. Mostly, he had forgotten how much Nick looked up to Brian and this all situation had left him stranded, unsure about what he was supposed to do or who to turn to.

“You can’t keep thinking about the past, Nick. Right now, neither Brian himself knows who he is anymore.”

Looking defeated, Nick leaned against the wall. “It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair.”

“Whining about how unfair is this situation isn’t going to help Brian. It’s a matter of fact, a guy had died and who knows what more is waiting for Brian. But... recriminations, now, are just a waste of time.” Aj replied, leaning closer to Nick.

“I don’t know how to help him. Even if we aren’t together anymore, he’s my best friend and... best friends are supposed to help each other.”

“Maybe you don’t see it as a help but what Brian needs now is your total support. You just have to be there for him, even if it’s only to hold him while he’s crying or just hear him while he’s crying.”

“I know, I know. I just...” Nick sighed. “I just want to be there for him like he has. Always. You don’t know how many times he just saved me. Whenever I was about to quit or to tell my parents to fuck off, he was there. I don’t know how he does every time but... he has this way with me, like he knows what I’m feeling before I can even start to think about what it’s going on with me.”

“Nick, people are different. You’re like an open book, maybe not for everyone to read but... who knows you know how to read you. And Brian is the best with you... he has this inner kin that makes you just want to talk with him about everything because you know that he’s gonna take care of everything. No one can be there for him like he does.”

Nick turned his face towards Aj. “But you do, Age. You know how to take care of him.”

“I don’t think so. Or I could prevented all this hospital trip. I knew he wasn’t sleeping and I knew he wasn’t eating much. And the drug episode... it just worried Brian when he should focus only on himself.”

“You know that’s the only thing Brian isn’t good at.” Nick joked. “Maybe he needed to crash to understand that he has to take care of himself?”

Aj shrugged. “Maybe. The point, Nick, is that I know it’s hard to control anger and rage but you have to find a way, at least when you’re around him. I’ve told you, he’s really vulnerable right now and he tends to take blame for everything, especially if you storm out of a room without saying nothing.”

After a minute of silence, Nick brought up what made him so worked up. “You were... you weren’t lying back there?

“No, I wasn’t lying. He didn’t do it although it was a little scary entering in a room and find him with a bunch of pills in his hand.”

A cold shiver ran along Nick’s spine and numbed all the negative thoughts running wild in his minds. It wasn’t the right time to break down, Aj was right. Now they had only to focus on Brian.

“Come on Nick, let’s go to the cafeteria. Brian will sleep for a long time and we need some coffee if we want to stay up all night.” Aj offered, although it didn’t felt right to leave Brian, at least from his heart, but they had to eat something if they didn’t want to end up like Brian.

And maybe... maybe Nick was right: he needed to crash before starting to put together the broken pieces.

 

 

 

 

*************

 

 

 

If there was something that Brian hated the most about hospital was the smell, that aseptic scent that seemed to follow him even in the most unusual places. Maybe it was because he had been caged in hospital beds for too long when he was a child, maybe it was because bad memories were bound to that place, still he couldn’t stand that smell. But, in that moment, Brian couldn’t be more grateful that he could recognize where he was thanks to that horrible perfume. In the aftermath of another nightmare, smelling that smell proved him that he was safe and that no one had been harmed because of him. Not too much of consolation, he thought as he tried to sit up. The room was swallowed in the dark, a green ray coming from up above him was the only light left and he could barely made up his surroundings: over the bed, in front of him, was what he supposed was a couch; near, a door led probably to the adjoined bathroom which told him that his room was one of the private ones. On his left, close to his heart monitor, there was an empty chair but, overall, no one seemed to be there with him.

On one hand, he felt relief knowing that the guys weren’t there and he hoped they were somewhere sleeping or eating, for he didn’t want them to get sick because too busy worrying and caring about him. But, on the other hand, he felt like they had abandoned him, too tired of his continuous stunts.

Especially Aj.

It wasn’t enough that he had to be constantly with him, tending and making sure that he didn’t nothing drastic – which he had tried to do – oh, no! Now, he had been thrown back in the drug vortex because of him. That blame, that guilty was too much to bare but it couldn’t be compared to the fear that it might had been the last straw, that Aj’s absence at his side was because he had enough and he didn’t want to deal with another madness. Yes, they were friends and yes, maybe what happened to him had brought them closer as they never had been before, in some ways he felt closer to him than when he was with Nick. But it wasn’t right to bind someone only because that person was going through a rough spot. It wasn’t right to drag someone in something that dangerous only because he was scared to death.

Aj told him that he was strong and that he had envied his strength. Well, now it was the right time to use that famous strength. He knew what had caused his last panic attack, something that he still hadn’t have the time to tell: his saw  _him_  and he was walking out Aj’s dressing room. It didn’t take a criminal mind to know why and what he had been doing in there. That meant he was following them and had witness how close him and Aj were. And only one solution could save Aj’s life.

So, gathering forces he didn’t think he had, Brian got up, grabbing the rail with one hand to steady himself: his legs were less shaky than he had though they would be so that was only an advantage for him. He didn’t have much time to waste since he didn’t know how long the guys would be gone. Experiences came in handy when it came to remove all the tubes and the wires connected to the monitors: once, a nurse had explained him how to do in case of necessary. And that was the right time to put it on the test. First, he switched off the heart monitor so its alarm wouldn’t go off, then he took out the IVs, closing them so they wouldn’t leak out; he retrieved from under the bed his clothes before putting them on.

It wasn’t the greatest of the plans and he wasn’t sure it could work but it felt right: if the man was following them, then he would be there outside, wondering what happened and looking for him. It would take only a glance at him, all alone, and then he would be followed. Brian didn’t know where he wanted to go, maybe nowhere, but he was determined to get away before someone else would get hurt.

And, with that thought, he left his room and sneaked over the lifts.

At least, he was doing something instead of crying and blaming the world of his situation.

It was the brink of the dawn and a violet shade was setting up the sky for the moment when the sunrays would shine above all. Not many people were walking around the little park that encircled the hospital building: most of them were doctors and nurses chatting while waiting for the next patient, few were parents and friends waiting for news about their loved ones. Among them, although hidden in a shadow of a big oak on the left side of the main path, a blond guy was watching with eager attention all the people going in and out from the hospital sliding doors.

_“Why don’t you leave him in peace? Look where you put him!”_ The sharp voice cut his thoughts like a knife, growling like a mad wild animal.

“It’s not my fault.” Zach angrily replied, like there was someone behind him. To him, there was, even if it was only a mere projection of his mind or his conscience, which of them he didn’t know. “It’s  _them._  They don’t know how to take care of him.”

_“And you do? Really? You’re gonna kill him too!”_ Another voice, younger than the first one and full of anger mixed with fear, came between them.

“Yes! I do!” He snapped. He did, if only he could have the chance to prove  _them_  wrong. He knew Brian, better maybe than himself. His supposedly friends didn’t, they didn’t and that was the result: his Brian in a hospital, the place he hated the most.

No, they couldn’t understand. He had to have Brian, he had to show him how perfect they were, how he was the only one who could make him happy. That rebel, that Aj... look where he brought him! A hospital!

Then, like summoned by his own desire, Brian appeared from the hospital’s entrance, looking like an angel in disguise. Zach felt his heart racing, swelling like it was going to burst in his chest while he wondered where Brian was going. Maybe... oh no, he was just kidding himself if he was thinking that, maybe, Brian was going to search him!

_“He’s running away because you hurt him and one of his closest friend! He would never search for you, he doesn’t want you!”_ Another voice mocked him, sparkling a flame of anger.

“No! No! He knows that I’m doing all of this because I want to protect him! They’re not his friends, they don’t care for him like I do!”

He was about to jump out from his hiding and meeting Brian halfway through the park when something stopped him. Minutes had passed, so slow, but indeed someone had figured it out that Brian wasn’t in his room.

He growled as he saw those guys, the rebel one that shouldn’t be that close to his Brian, blocking Brian. The blonde, the one who looked so much like him, didn’t dare to touch Brian but Aj yes. Why Brian was letting him? He could be hurt because of him, he could be hurt, why he couldn’t see that?

Anger swept through him, poison and lighted up a fire that was burning everything inside him, more and more as he witnessed how they managed to bring Brian back in the hospital. No, it wasn’t plain and simple anger. It was rage, a flaming ball set in his chest.

_“Stop it! You can’t make a scene here!”_

_“Let him do it so he will be stopped before someone else gets killed.”_

Zach couldn’t think straight, only he saw those hands on Brian’s shoulders and he could think how he wanted to cut them. How dare him? How? Wasn’t the drug enough? Why couldn’t he understand that he had to stay away from Brian?

_“You are the one who has to stay away from him!”_

He shook his head in denial, they were only envious of Brian. That’s why they were telling him to stay away, because they knew he would forget about them once he had Brian in his life.

_“Your stupid dream...”_

Brian. Brian had to know that there was only him. He looked as the two guys led Brian away from his gaze. That would be the last time they did it. Because... oh yes, because they would pay. Brian was going to join him and they prevented it.

They would pay with their life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable15.html


	16. Fifteenth Chapter

Fifteenth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It took quite a bit of persuading, but AJ and Nick combined finally managed to get Brian back into the hospital. AJ had hold of Brian, a protective measure to keep him from bolting again. Brian could have told him that it wasn’t necessary. He wasn’t stupid enough to try running with the both of them there watching him. They’d just follow him. Hell, if AJ had to he’d probably tackle him to the ground!

Surprisingly, that image made Brian want to smile a little. He was smart enough not to, though. That would just get him in more trouble. And boy, was he in trouble! That was obvious.  While they walked Brian watched his friends from the corner of his eyes.

Nick looked mad but not furious. He wouldn’t take too much to fix things with.  It never did with Nick. Their friendship was strong and deep; not much could damage it. Add on that Nick sucked at holding a grudge and, well, that made things even easier to fix with him. Mostly he could see that his best friend was terrified more than mad. That made Brian feel guilty. He hadn’t wanted to scare anyone, just do what he needed to save them all.

The three of them stepped into an elevator. Brian watched the doors close. He couldn’t help the little hitch to his breath or the tightening to his muscles at finding himself in a small, confined space with two other men.

Even with as angry as he was, AJ still managed to sense this and try to reassure Brian by running his hand reassuringly up and down the small of Brian’s back. It was a gesture that was meant to be soothing and did wonders for Brian’s nerves.

Once they exited the elevator, though, that rubbing stopped and Brian was again being propelled back toward his room. He risked a moment to look over at AJ. This was the person he’d known was going to be the most pissed. The one that was also going to be the most hurt.

The muscles in AJ’s shoulders and arms looked tight. His face was set in hard lines. Shit, AJ  _was_  pissed. His eyes were hard, staring down the hall as they walked, and his mouth was set in a grim line.

When they’d caught up with Brian outside, Nick and AJ hadn’t looked angry. They’d pleaded with him to come back in. Begged him to think things through. It was obvious that they’d guessed what his plan had been. Without shame the two of them had begged until Brian had agreed to stop. He couldn’t withstand that much pleading.

But once they’d got back inside, this was how it had been. The silent treatment. By the time they reached his room, Brian had had enough of it. He took a seat on the edge of his bed and looked at the two men he was the closest with. “Look, guys, I’m sorry, ok? I am. I know it was stupid.”

AJ totally ignored him. He turned toward Nick and said “I’m going to go speak to the doctor. Can you stay here until I get back or do I need to send someone else down here to babysit him?”

The word ‘babysit’ put Brian’s back up. He didn’t need a babysitter! He opened his mouth to protest it and was cut off by a sharp look from AJ. That look dared him to contest his choice of words. Silent, Brian shut his mouth. Shit. AJ was a hell of a lot more pissed than he’d thought. That wasn’t good.

Nick looked from one to the other, unsure how to act. “Uh, I can stay.” He answered finally.

“Good.” AJ replied. “Make sure he stays here. If he tries to leave, sit on him.” That said, AJ was out the door.

For a moment the hospital room was silent. Brian finally broke it by saying “Well, babysitter, what’re we going to do? You going to make me a snack and such?”

A surprised laugh burst past Nick’s lips. “Sure. I’ll just get right on that one.”

“I want a sandwich, no crust, just peanut butter.”

The light teasing eased some of Brian’s tension. He scooted back on the bed, making room for Nick, who then sat on the foot of the bed. The laughter faded from Nick’s eyes. “What were you thinking, Brian?” He asked softly.

Brian sighed. “It was the only thing I could think of to protect everyone.”

“By sacrificing yourself?”

“If I have to.” Looking up, Brian pleaded with his friend to understand. “I can’t have that on my conscience, Nick. I can’t knowingly let him hurt people I care about. I can’t let him do this to AJ. What if he does it again and he makes AJ relapse? It’d be my fault.”

“No it wouldn’t! It’d be his, Bri. All his. You didn’t force him to do this. Whoever this asshole is, he’s insane.”

“He’s attacking people close to me. What do I do if he comes for you, or Kevin, or Howie? What if he tries to kill one of you guys? I can’t…I just can’t let that happen.”

Nick reached out like he was going to take Brian’s hand before thinking better of it. He let his hand drop to the bed where it curled around the sheets. “I wish I knew something to help, Bri. I wish I could say he won’t hurt us. But I can’t. I don’t know what’ll happen. But I do know that we’re all going to be cautious until this guy is caught. And he will be caught. We have to hold out our hope on that.”

There was so much pleading in Nick’s voice that Brian couldn’t find it in himself to argue with him. How could he shatter his young friend’s delusions? So Brian did the same thing he had always done with Nick. He protected him. “You’re probably right, Nick.” He lied. But inside, he knew better. He knew the truth and it terrified him.

Before either of them could say anything else, AJ walked back into the room. One look at his face had Brian snapping his mouth shut. Inside, his heart gave a hard thump. Man oh man AJ was mad. Was he…would he leave him alone now? Or, worse, would he stick to him like glue but never be happy with him again?

No, AJ wouldn’t do that to him. Would he? No. Brian couldn’t let himself think like that or the earlier panic was going to come back and choke him. He concentrated on breathing, keeping calm.  _You idiot_  he told himself.  _You were willing to sacrifice yourself to this monster to keep AJ and the others safe but now that you’re stuck here you panic at the idea of AJ not wanting to you! If he didn’t talk to you then he’d be safe!_  But even thinking about how dumb that sounded didn’t change his feelings. If he’d succeeded in letting his stalker find him, that would have been different. He could have been strong, knowing he could keep others safe. But here, trapped, he couldn’t survive without someone to help him. That someone was AJ.

“I cleared it with the doctor. We’re free to take you home now.” AJ said in a flat voice.

Brian nodded, not trusting his voice. Without realizing it he wrapped his arms around his waist, holding tight. He stayed silent as AJ and Nick led him from the hospital room. AJ was holding so tightly to his temper. A small part of Brian wondered how long that control would last and what would happen when it broke.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

Every ounce of self-control AJ possessed went in to keeping himself as calm as possible on their ride back to the hotel. So many emotions were boiling inside of him that it was difficult to even think straight. The only way he managed to arrange things with the doctor and get them home. It had taken some persuasion to get the doctor to agree to release Brian; he’d wanted to keep him for observation overnight. But AJ had been adamant that Brian come back to the hotel. There was nothing that the nurse would do that he couldn’t do for Brian.

Plus, it would be easier to keep an eye on Brian and keep him safe in the hotel, with security all around. But AJ didn’t tell the doctor that part.

The medication the doctor had given him was in AJ’s pocket. That was where he planned on keeping them for the moment. When they got to the hotel, security rushed them inside, past the fans, and up to their floor. AJ stopped Brian in the hall, holding up one finger to signal to him to wait. Then he ran into his own room and grabbed the little travel lock box that he carried everywhere with him. A few valuables were kept inside of there when he traveled; no one but him could get in. It required a code to open the door. This he brought back out with him.

When he was back by Brian’s side, Brian pulled out his key and opened his hotel room door. AJ noticed that Brian’s hands were shaking and cursed himself for not containing his temper better. Obviously some of it was slipping through if Brian was getting scared by it.  _Get yourself under control, AJ!_  He scolded himself.

Inside Brian’s room, AJ set the lock box down on the table, turning so that Brian couldn’t see him enter the code. Once it was open he put the medication inside and shut it again. There. Now Brian wouldn’t be able to be tempted by it.

Dimly he heard Brian shuffling around in the room. What he was doing, AJ didn’t know. The enormity of what had happened slammed over AJ like a tidal wave. The entire day, starting with Brian’s collapse at the concert straight up to the moment that AJ had looked outside and seen Brian walking, alone.

He had thought he’d known what fear was before. Sweet Jesus, nothing compared to the fear he’d felt today. The sheer panic that had coursed in his veins. He was still vibrating with it. Air pulled roughly in and out of his lungs as he pressed his palms onto the table and bent his head. Fuck. He needed to get it under control before he scared Brian any more than he already had!

To his surprise, Brian spoke suddenly, the noise seeming loud in the quiet room. “I…I know you won’t leave me alone. You don’t trust me now. If we’re going to be in here together, could you, well, could you just get it off your chest? Yell at me, something. But not this silence. Please.”

There was a false bravado in Brian’s voice that tore at AJ. He was  _scaring_  Brian. Great, that was just great! The man had just checked out of the hospital after having a serious panic attack and here AJ was,  _scaring_  him! Mentally he cursed himself. “It’s fine, Bri. I’m fine. I just needed a minute, that’s all.”

“I know you’re mad at me.” Brian said softly.

AJ bit his lip, staring at the table top, afraid to turn and look at Brian for fear of what he might end up saying. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me, ok?”

Again Brian surprised him. He gave a wry sounding chuckle. “I know you too well, Alex. Say whatever it is that’s on your mind. It can’t be any worse than this infernal silence. I’d rather you yell than not talk to me or look at me.” His voice firmed slightly. “Go ahead, say it. Say what you want. Tell me I’m an idiot. Tell me how dumb I was to go out there. How tough you are and how you don’t need protecting.”

That was almost too much for AJ. He squeezed his eyes shut tight. “You think I’m mad because you were trying to protect me? That I think I’m too manly for protection?” He rasped. “That I’m mad because I don’t approve of what you did?”

“If I’m wrong, tell me. Please, Alex. I can’t stand you being furious with me.”

That please was too much. AJ couldn’t keep himself under control anymore. He spun around, his control snapping. “You think I’m furious with you? I’m not  _furious_ , Brian! Hell, I probably would have done the same fucking thing in your shoes!”

Brian’s eyes grew wide. “You’re not mad at me?” All the strength his voice had started to show seemed to waver slightly. “Then, then what is it?”

“I’m  _terrified_!” AJ shrieked. His hands, his traitorous, shaking hands, curled into fists on either side of him. Everything that he’d worked so hard to keep from letting out was now flowing out of him like a raging river. “I have never been so fucking scared in my entire life as I have been today! You thought I was mad? I’ve been trying to fight off panic all fucking evening long!”

“Alex…” At a loss for words, Brian’s voice trailed off. It was easy to see that this was the last thing he’d expected to hear. Oddly enough, AJ could see that his shouting wasn’t scaring Brian. That was something new.

Right at the moment he couldn’t bring himself to think about it, though. He started to pace, trying to burn out the anxiety, the heartache he’d felt today. The words that he’d kept locked up were now free. There was no stopping them.

“I’ve been by your side since this shit happened to you. I’ve watched you shrink in on yourself because you’re not eating, not sleeping. You’re not talking. I’ve had to watch you waste away and do my best to fight you each step of the way, praying the whole fucking time that I won’t lose you. Every time I have to leave you it makes my chest hurt, wondering if you’ll be ok until I get back.”

Raw emotion was in Brian’s eyes. Not fear, but something else that AJ couldn’t analyze. His own emotions were too strong to focus on anything else right then.

“Today I had to look over and see you in a full blown panic attack, with Nick screaming beside of you. I had to fight to get you to breathe for me so you wouldn’t fucking  _die_. Do you get that, Brian? You almost died today! Then, oh then, we get you in the damn hospital, get everything squared away to get you better, and while I’m gone you wake up and disappear so that when I go back to your room I found an empty bed.”

The fear of that moment came back to AJ like a tidal wave. He brought his hands up to cover his face for a moment. “I thought I’d been scared before, but it didn’t compare to that. I knew what you’d done. In my heart, I knew, and I was so scared. I ran out of that hospital, thinking the whole time that I’d find you somewhere, beat and hurt like that man had been. I thought I was going to lose you. The whole time I ran, I prayed and prayed that I’d find you alive.”

It was too much. He couldn’t continue. The fear rose up, stealing his voice. All he could do was stand there with his hands over his face and try to keep it under control.

A gentle hand touched his shoulder, startling him. He knew who it was. Recognized the feel of Brian. But he couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. If he did, he was afraid he’d shame himself by crying.

“I’m sorry, Alex.” Brian’s voice was low and sweet. “I’m so sorry I scared you like that.” With that soft whisper, Brian did something that AJ knew was extremely difficult for him. He pulled AJ in for a tight hug, pillowing AJ’s head on his shoulder. The hands on AJ’s back rubbed soothingly.

It was amazing. Here they were, after a day of hell for Brian, and Brian was taking care of him! This was so like the old Brian that it almost brought tears to AJ’s eyes. He took a few deep breaths, trying to control his emotions and bring himself back under control.

After a minute, Brian let him go. Under the guise of turning to the lock box, AJ wiped at his eyes, wiping away the faint sheen of tears. He knew Brian had probably seen it but neither of them said anything about it.

“We should, uh, probably get you into bed.” AJ said softly. He opened the lock box and got out a sleeping pill for Brian. Once he had it, he shut the box up again. “You need sleep, Bri, more than anything else. In the morning I’ll get some breakfast ready for you.”

Brian looked at the pill in AJ’s hand, then up to AJ’s face. That vulnerability was back. It grabbed AJ’s heart as it always did. “You’ll stay, while I sleep?” Brian whispered.

“Every minute.”

That seemed to be enough for Brian. He took the pill and popped it in his mouth, swallowing convulsively. Then he allowed AJ to lead him to the bed. Once his shoes were off, Brian climbed in underneath the sheets. AJ tucked the blankets around him, pausing to brush back hair from Brian’s forehead. “Rest, honey. I’ll be here.”

“I am sorry I scared you, Alex.” Brian’s voice was a mumble. The day’s exhaustion was catching up with him.

AJ sat on the bed, lacing his fingers with Brian’s. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. Get some sleep, honey. It’ll be ok. Just sleep.”

Even after Brian had drifted off to sleep, AJ sat there, watching him. Please, God, let this man find some healing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day was quite a bit easier than AJ had thought it would be. When he’d woken in the morning he’d ordered a plain breakfast for him and Brian. A full night’s sleep seemed to have given Brian the urge for some food. He actually ate half of the food AJ had ordered for him. By tact agreement, the two didn’t mention anything serious. They spoke only of normal things, easy things.

It was the perfect day. Since Brian was on orders to rest, AJ kept him to the bed. They ordered pay-per-view movies and lounged around, laughing at the comedies they watched and chatting about normal, everyday things. For the first time in days, Brian was relaxing, which was exactly what AJ wanted. He even managed to get Brian to eat a sandwich for lunch!

But their perfect day wasn’t meant to last.  It was almost six o’clock when someone knocked on the door to the hotel room. AJ would have been content to stay lying on the foot of the bed, watching the movie on the TV. But Brian had more manners than that. He rose from the head of the bed and headed out to the main room. A moment later AJ heard Kevin’s deep rumble.

There was silence for a moment. Then Brian was poking his head in the bedroom door. “AJ? Kev needs to talk to you.”

Him? Why did Kevin need to talk to him? AJ pretended to grumble at Brian, making his friend smile at him before he disappeared. AJ smile softly to himself. That had been his whole goal today. See how many times he could get Brian to smile. So far, he’d done a damn good job. This had been exactly what Brian needed. Exactly what the both of them needed. Just a day being Brian and AJ, no worries on their plates, no stress.

At some point AJ had grabbed some clothes from his room, so now he was dressed in sweats, a tank, and his blue flannel robe. He shuffled out of the bedroom, pausing the movie on his way. “What’s up, Kev?” he called out.

Kevin was waiting for him, sitting on a chair in the main room. “Hey, Age.” He answered. “Sit and talk with me a minute.”

Well, hell, that didn’t sound good, now did it? AJ glanced at Brian. He looked ok, so it couldn’t be too bad. Unless Kevin hadn’t told him yet. “I’d rather stand. What’s up?”

“There’s an after party tonight.” Kevin explained with a sigh. He held up a hand to stave off AJ’s automatic objections. “I know you don’t go to these things, I know that. But managements rule for these things is that a minimum of three of us go. Brian isn’t going since the doctor ordered him on rest for three days and now Nick’s sick. That leaves you. You have to go.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Then they can sue us for breach of contract if they wish.”

Fuck! Going to one of these stupid things was the last thing that AJ wanted to do. First and foremost, he didn’t want to leave Brian. Not after having such a great day with him! Second, there was a reason he never went to these things anymore. The temptation there was enormous. With all the stress he’d been under lately, and this stalker guy forcing him to get high on coke, AJ was terrified that if he went he’d end up doing something stupid. “Kev, I can’t.” He looked at his older friend, letting down his internal guard for a moment. “Please, don’t make me do this.”

Sympathy darkened Kevin’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Age. I wish there was a way around this.”

It was Brian who stepped up, looking over to AJ. “Go, Alex.” He said softly. It was obvious he was trying to hide his own fear in those eyes. “I’ll take care of Nick for a while. I won’t be alone.”

“Bri..”

“No, you’ve got to go. We don’t need the trouble. You don’t need the trouble. Just go for a while, make them happy, an come back. I’ll be fine with Nick.”

AJ looked into his eyes for a long moment. “You sure?”

When Brian nodded, AJ sighed. He looked back over at Kevin. “Fine. I’ll go. But I want it noted that it’s under protest.” He said in annoyance. This night was going to suck, and suck hard.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

This was the stupidest thing ever. He didn’t want to be here. But because of some stupid contract he had to sit at a stupid table, drinking a stupid coke, watching stupid people dance. Fuck them. AJ glared down at his drink, his mood sour.

“You know, you used to enjoy these things.” A voice teased him. AJ looked up just as Howie slid into the booth with him.

AJ shrugged at him. “Yeah, well, different lifestyle.”

“Thank God for that. How you holding up here?”

Only Howie would have asked him that question right there at the party and known that he’d be able to get away with it. That drew a small smile from AJ. God bless best friends. “Holding up. It’s not as difficult as I thought. Then again, I’ve mostly been sitting here and sulking.” He teased himself easily.

Howie tipped his head back and laughed. “You’ve always been good at that when you want.”

“Shove it, Howard.”

A waiter walked up, handing them each another drink. AJ picked up his fresh coke, taking a drink.  He looked down into the liquid, swirling it around a little. Truth was, the urge to drink  _was_ there. It taunted him at the edge of his mind. Just one drink to make himself relax, that was all it would take. But he knew himself. He knew that one drink would lead to two, then five, then fifteen. Suddenly he tipped his glass of coke back, downing it all in one drink.

Howie’s hand covered his as he set his glass down. “You can do this, Age. Stick it out for another hour and then you can go back to Brian. I have faith you can do this.”

“Thanks, D. At least one of us does.” AJ smiled at him. Then, with a sigh, he waved Howie up. “Let’s at least dance a little. Got to be better than brooding, right?”

“Always.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

 

 

Sitting at his table on the far side of the room, Zach watched AJ head out to the dance floor with the long haired band member and smirked to himself. They’d see how things went before too long. The fool had downed his entire drink before going out on the floor. If only the idiot knew what was waiting for him.

It had been the simplest thing in the world to get into the party. After that, it had been even simpler to pay a waiter to turn around while he dropped something in that tattooed freak’s drink. Then all he’d had to do was go to his table and sit back and watch. The jackass didn’t even notice!

After talking around to some people, Zach had found someone on the streets who’d been able to give him what he wanted. What it was, he had no idea. A little power in a baggie. But the guy he’d bought it from swore that if Zach put it in someone’s drink, the person would get higher than a kite. There was no amnesia, like the ‘date rape’ drugs cause. Zach didn’t want this asshole forgetting what happened. No, he wanted him to remember it all.

This shit thought he could just love up on Brian and get away with it? Play on Brian’s trust, acting innocent and sweet the whole time. Well, Zach was going to show Brian the truth no matter what it took!

_"You think he gives a damn about you? That if you get rid of this guy then Brian will fall right into your arms? You’re an idiot.”_

Zach hummed with the music, ignoring the voice in his mind. They’d see. They would all see. He’d prove them all wrong.

Out on the dance floor, the freak started to sway a little as he danced, looking a little happier than normal. Zach could see the drugs taking effect. The dealer had sworn that the guy he gave this to would be euphoric; happy with the world and easily trusting. That was exactly what Zach needed.

He bided his time, waiting until the one known as AJ broke away from the others in the crowd. This was the moment he was waiting for! He rose, leaving his drink on the table, and made his way through the crowd. It wasn’t hard to reach AJ, who was fanning himself on the side of the room. Now it was time for the act.

“AJ?” He called out, forcing his voice to be polite. God, how he wanted to rip this punks head off! No, no, he had a plan. Stick to the plan! “Is that you, AJ?”

“Huh?” AJ looked a little confused as he turned his head as if trying to find the source of the voice.

Zach stepped right up next to him, adjusting his hat a little. “Hey! I thought that was you. Having fun over here?”

Looking up, AJ’s hazy eyes locked on to Zach’s face. For a moment Zach held his breath, wondering if the drug was going to be enough to keep AJ from recognizing him. What AJ did next surprised him. “Nick! Hey, man, I thought you were sick!” He slurred out. He pressed a hand to his mouth. “Damn, man, I feel crazy. I think someone did something to my drink. Fuck.” A small giggle slid out. “I feel high.”

“You’re missing half the party out here, you know that, right?” Zach didn’t bother correcting him on who he was. If this fool thought he was ‘Nick’ then so be it. It would make it easier.

_“You’re a bastard. He’ll notice you’re not his friend. He’s not as stupid as you think he is!”_

Zach tried to ignore that voice.  _Go away_  he thought  _Go away! I can do this! I will do this! GO AWAY!_

“You ok, Nicky?” AJ asked him suddenly. “You look, I dunno, funny or something.”

Quickly Zach schooled his expression. He was here on a mission. He needed to get it going before someone saw him and saw what he was doing. “I’m ok. I was just hoping to get you to come back here with me. I really don’t want to go alone, you know? You looked like you were having fun so I thought I’d bring you with me.”

“Sure thing, Nicky boy.” AJ looped arms with Zach, giggling as he stumbled. Zach had to fight back nausea and rage. This jerk was touching him? Remember the plan. Remember. Don’t hurt him. That won’t help.  _You hurt him, Brian will just want to help him, that’s the nice guy he is. We’ve got to show Brian what a fucker this asshole is. Come on, stick to the plan._

Zach led AJ down a small hallway, back to the more secluded party that was in the back. He knew that AJ’s fame would get them in the door. Sure enough, it was easy as hell to get in one of those little rooms.  Almost instantly a waiter offered them some drinks. Zach ordered two whiskey before getting AJ on a couch.

It was the easiest thing, getting AJ to drink. Whispering in his ear, lying to him, telling him it was soda. That it was something that would make him feel better. Then, after a couple drinks, it didn’t take anything at all. AJ was ordering more on his own. After that, he was joining the others at the table. Zach grinned gleefully as he watched AJ jump right into the party scene.

Seeing this just proved what he’d thought about this freak all along. With the right incentive he’d go right back to the drugs and alcohol. He was all wrong for someone as pure and beautiful as Brian! Brian deserved better. He deserved Zach!

_“He’ll never want you.”_

_Shut up!_  He thought to the voice.  _Shut up! He does love me, he does! You don’t know what you’re talking about. Go away! I killed you already, why don’t you just go away!_

_“He’ll hate you and you’ll end up paying for what you did to all of us.”_

“No!”

The word slipped out before Zach realized it. He saw AJ looked up at him from the line he just did, confusion marring his stoned expression. “What, Nick?”

Quick, think fast! “I uh, I was just saying I’ve got a surprise for you, AJ. Come on. Come with me, I want to show it to you.”

“A surprise?” A silly grin spread over AJ’s face. He rose quickly to his feet, almost falling back down again. “Let’s go!”

Zach led AJ out of this room and toward one of the private ones. Everything he’d set up earlier was ready and waiting for him. The guard outside of it, a thug that Zach had paid earlier in the day, nodded and opened the door, letting them inside. In there was a man that Zach had found, specifically for this purpose.

The man waiting there was a little taller than AJ, his skin a caramel color. He was dressed in simple, snug jeans and a form fitting tank. “This the guy?” The man asked, looking at AJ as he stumbled into the room.

Zach shut the door behind him, clicking the lock. “This is him.”

“Sugar, you sure? He looks like he won’t be up for much of nothing!”

“If you want the rest of your money you’ll do what I paid you to do.”

The man held his hands up in a peace gesture. Then he walked over to AJ, taking hold of his hands, a smile instantly forming as he put on his ‘game face’. “Well hey there, sugar! Just look what I found me right here! Aren’t you just beautiful?”

AJ steadied himself on the man’s grip, looking up into his eyes. A silly, drunk smile was on his face. “Thanks.” He slurred out. “You’re not so bad looking y’self.”

The man, a male hooker by the name of Coco, pulled AJ in a little closer, wrapping arms around his waist. “Dance with me, sugar. Make my night.”

“’S no music.”

“We’ll make our own music.”

Zach settled himself down in a chair to watch the drama unfold in front of him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lying back on the bed, Brian watched the movie unfold on the TV. For most of the evening he and Nick hadn’t really talked much. They’d just settled in to watch movies, which was about all Nick was really up for at the moment. It was the same thing Brian had been doing with AJ all day, so it worked for him.

He found himself wondering if AJ would like the movie. That train of thought surprised him.  Here he was, supposed to be taking care of Nick, and his thoughts kept drifting toward AJ.

It must have been noticeable, too, because Nick suddenly said “You’re awfully distracted tonight, Bri.”

“Sorry.” Brian shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts out. He looked over to the other twin bed where Nick was lying down. “Just lost in thought a little.”

“Aw, that’s ok. I’m not really much company anyways. You thinking about Age?”

Flabbergasted, Brian simply stared. Seeing his look made Nick chuckle. “You’re really not that hard to read, Bri, to someone who knows you. So, what’s going on?”

Brian rolled back over, his gaze straying to the ceiling. “I don’t know. Just, was watching the movie, then found myself wondering if he’d like it, then wondering why I was thinking about him at all.”

Laughter echoed in their room, followed by a quick bout of coughing. Brian hurriedly rose, grabbing a glass of water and bringing it over to Nick. He sat on the edge of the bed and waited for Nick to stop coughing before handing him the water. Grateful, Nick drank it. When it was done and he had put the cup back on the stand, he rested his head against the pillows and smiled up at Brian. “Probably shouldn’t laugh.” He said, his voice raspy from coughing.

“Probably not.” Brian said easily. But he was smiling as he said it. It was easier than he’d thought, to sit here on Nick’s bed and take care of his friend. Maybe it had something to do with getting some sleep and some food inside of him. Or maybe it was because Nick was sick, and a sick Nick was something that would always bring out the nurturing side of him. Either way, it was nice. Normal.

Sitting like this, Brian almost felt like they were the same two people they’d been before the attack had happened. Before he lost that feeling he forced himself to ask Nick something he could only say to his best friend. “Nick, I need your advice.”

“Sure. What is it?” Nick asked, stopping to blow his nose.

The words wanted to stick in Brian’s throat. But here, now, he knew that if he didn’t say them, he never would. So he forced them out in a rush. This had been eating at him since the night before, since he’d hugged AJ in the middle of the hotel room and his heart had seemed to give a little extra thump. “I don’t know what to do. Everything’s so screwed up right now. My life is so screwed up. I…I can’t even stand being touched all that often. I can’t imagine that life is ever going to be normal again. But…”

“But what?”

“Well, it’s just, last night when I got back to the hotel room with AJ, him and I talked. He was…he was really upset. Not mad at me. Scared. He was scared for me.” Brian looked down at his hands, still humbled by everything AJ had said. “He was shaking, telling me how terrified he’d felt. It, well, it made my heart ache. Everything else kind of went away and all I wanted to do was make him feel better.”

Biting his lip, Brian picked at his fingernail. “I hugged him. But it didn’t give me that feeling that I get, that scared, sick feeling in my stomach. It felt, nice. Kind of right. I don’t know what’s going on.”

For a long while Nick was quiet. When he spoke, his voice was soft. “I used to wish that you’d get that feeling with me.” He whispered. Brian’s head shot up in surprise, his eyes locking onto Nick’s. “What?”

“When you were with me, you never got that feeling. But you do when you’re with AJ. It kind of tugged at your heart, didn’t it?” Nick paused, coughing for a moment before continuing. “A little warm, flip floppy feeling in your chest.”

The implications of Nick’s words had Brian speaking softly “Yeah.”

“That’s love, Bri.” Three words, said so simply, yet meaning so much. Nick looked right at him. “You’re falling in love.”

Brian’s reaction surprised them both. He shot up off the bed. “You should probably sleep.” He told Nick. “It’ll help you feel better.”

For a minute it looked like Nick would protest. But then his features softened and he nodded, allowing Brian to escape back to the other bed. The movie played on, but neither man watched it. Each was lying on their respective beds, wondering about the same thing. Wondering what was going to happen now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

Really, this man was way too easy! Coco barely had to do anything to get AJ starting to strip. Then again, that was probably the drugs in AJ’s system. He honestly didn’t even seem to know who he was with! That only made it worse. The disgusting bastard.

But Zach had a job to do. He pulled his camera out, snapping picture after picture of the two together. He got some great shots. Some of AJ on Coco’s lap, riding away, a look of pleasure on his face, his head thrown back. Or the two of them twined together on the bed.

When AJ was dressed again, half lying on the couch, Coco finished dressing himself and came over to Zach, one hand held out. Zach happily paid him the money. The man was disgusting, but he’d done a damn good job at what Zach had wanted.

“You know.” Coco said, counting through the money. “You might try him yourself. For as high and drunk as he is, he did a damn good job.” The hook pocketed the money and winked at Zach. “I didn’t even have to fake it.”

Disgust lit Zach’s face. Coco suddenly blanched before hurrying from the room.

Well, most of the plan was done. Now came the last part. Getting AJ back to the hotel. Zach cursed as he helped AJ finish dressing and helped him out of the room. He looked around, then looked at the man he’d had guard the door. He pulled out a hundred. “Get him out there where someone can get him home for me.”

“Sure thing, Zach.” The guy took the money and then stuck his shoulder under AJ’s arm, taking his weight.

Zach watched as the two headed back out to the main party. A moment later he followed, keeping enough distance that no one would think they were together. Once out there, he watched as the guy carried AJ toward the door. Someone else rushed up, one of the security guards that Zach had seen with the band. The guy took AJ off the other guy’s hands and soon they were out the door. Phase two of his plan was complete. Soon, phase three. Zach was grinning as he left the party.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Hours later, Brian rose up from the bed. The movie was finished. On the other bed he could hear Nick snoring. Good, his friend needed sleep. Silently Brian walked over and shut off the TV. He hadn’t really been watching the movie. How could he, when all he’d been doing was thinking about what Nick had said?

A noise out by the hallway drew his attention. The others must be back. Good timing. His heart did a little jump at having AJ back. He could go to sleep now, feeling safe. It was so much easier to sleep when AJ was around. The nightmares never seemed as bad then.

On silent feet he moved out of Nick’s room, opening the door and slipping out, letting it shut quietly behind him. Then he turned around. What he saw was the last thing he’d ever thought he’d see again. A sight more familiar than he wanted to admit.

Marcus was walking down the hall, AJ’s arm around his shoulders, the younger man wobbling along beside him. A sudden lurch had AJ sliding to the ground. He hit with a thump and a laugh. Cursing, Marcus bent down to try and lift him, but AJ swatted his hands away and laughed harder.

What the hell was going on here? Brian saw Kevin and Howie standing in their doorways, sleep and confusion on their faces, quickly giving way to shock.

Marcus cursed again, breaking Brian out of his own shock. He hurried forward, not thinking about what he was doing, simply reacting. When he reached AJ, he squatted down by his head. “AJ.”

There was a dopey look on AJ’s face when he looked over at Brian. “Brian!” he exclaimed happily. “S’ lookin’ for you! Isn’t it a great night?”

“What on earth have you done, AJ?” Brian said with a sigh. “What happened to you?”

“Just had some fun, y’know? Man. That part was fun!”

Shaking his head, Brian stood up and took hold of one of AJ’s hands while Marcus grabbed th other. Together, they pulled him up. Brian had to let go of AJ’s hand to catch him at his shoulders. Their pull had almost sent him flying up and over onto his face. Brian’s quick reflexes managed to catch him before he tumbled yet again. “Come on, Alex. Let’s get you in my room.”

“M’kay.” AJ mumbled happily. Between Marcus and Brian, the two of them got AJ into the hotel room. Brian directed them over to the bed. They got him on it, sprawled out. “Thanks, Marcus. I’ve got him.”

“You sure?” Marcus asked.

Brian looked at the form on his bed. “Yeah. He’ll pass out shortly. Thanks for getting him back here.”

“No problem. You need me, you know where to find me.”

Once the door shut behind Marcus, he turned his attention back to AJ. He put his hands on his hips and surveyed his friend. What the hell had happened at that party? Sighing, he started to take AJ’s shoes off. “What happened to you, AJ?”

He didn’t expect an answer, but AJ gave him one. “Just had some fun. Was partying with Nick. That kid knows how to party!”

Partying with Nick? Confused, Brian straightened and tossed AJ’s shoes on the floor. Then he froze. Everything in him locked down tight. Ice seemed to fill his veins. No, it couldn’t be. No, no. Slowly he turned back and looked at AJ. “With Nick?” He asked hoarsely.

AJ snuggled down into the bed. His eyes slid closed, but his grin remained. “Mmhmm. He wanted some company, didn’t wanna be alone.”

“What, uh, what did Nick do with you, honey?” Brian forced his body to move, to sit down on the edge of the bed. He couldn’t break his eyes away from AJ.

“We went in the back. Kept getting m’ sodas for me. There were lo’s of people there, Bri.”

“I bet there was. So he gave you drinks, huh? Did he give you anything else?

“Mm.” AJ shuffled a little but didn’t answer. In another moment, he started snoring. Brian didn’t move. He stayed sitting there, staring at AJ’s face as his friend snored away. Fear clawed at the inside of Brian’s stomach. He knew, without a doubt he knew exactly what had happened. Oh God. What the hell were they going to do now? He pulled himself up onto the bed, resting against the headboard.

AJ rolled over in his sleep, throwing an arm over Brian’s legs, snuggling against his hip. He was going to feel like hell in the morning. Guilt ate at Brian’s stomach. This was all his fault. How on earth was he going to manage to fix this?

He stayed there, trying to figure it all out, until he fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh sweet Jesus. Marching bands were playing their way through AJ’s skull. Men with jackhammers were banging away at his temples. He moaned, putting one hand to his forehead. Son of a bitch. He felt like shit! What the hell had happened?

Sleep faded quickly underneath the pain in his head. He tried to open his eyes, but the light hit him and he gave a soft cry of pain. The sound of it echoed around in his skull, feeling like a lightning bolt. Nausea boiled in his stomach, threatening its way up his throat. He rolled to the edge of the bed, trying to get out to run to the bathroom before his stomach emptied itself.

A hand was suddenly there on the back of his neck and he felt something, a bucket or a trash can, pressed by his face. Gratefully he grabbed it in just enough time to hurl. The pain from heaving and the noises made it worse, making his head hurt more and the nausea stronger. It took a while before his stomach finished emptying itself.

When he was finally done he eased slowly back onto the bed. The hand left his neck and he heard footsteps moving away from him. In the distance he heard the sound of running water, then the flush of a toilet.

A moment later the person was back. Something was pressed into AJ’s palm, something small and round. “It’s pain reliever.” Came Brian’s soft voice. Something moved behind AJ’s head, an arm he thought, lifting his head just slightly. AJ put the pill in his mouth and allowed Brian to help him sip from a glass of water. After he’d swallowed it, Brian laid him back down.

AJ lay there for quite a while, waiting for the medicine to kick in. It started to fade a little, slowly, but enough to allow thought back in. Some things of the night were fuzzy, but some of them were far too clear. Sweet Jesus.

Pain built around his heart, stronger than even the pain in his head. God, what had he done? What the hell had he done?

A cool, damp cloth moved over his forehead and eyes, blocking the light and easing the pain even more. “Don’t move for a while.” Brian whispered to him. “Just give the pain reliever time to work.”

Nothing would numb the pain around his heart. “I’m sorry.” He said, his voice deeper and more raspy than normal. Self-loathing tinted it.

“How much do you remember, Alex?”

“Enough.” God, that was the truth. He remembered enough. “I fucked up, Bri. I fucked up hard.”

“Shh.” Brian’s hand stroked soothingly over his cheek. “Tell me what happened. Start at the beginning. Stop if you need to. I don’t want you hurting too much.”

AJ swallowed, trying to wet his dry throat. He gripped one hand into the bedspread, clenching it tightly. “I was talking with Howie. He was teasing me for sulking.” He began, trying to think back. “I wanted to drink. But I was only drinking a coke. I finished it and we went to dance. I felt…funny.” He paused, licking his lips.

The arm was back behind his head, lifting him up for another drink. When he was done, he reclined against the pillows again.

“I thought it was the heat and the music. I took a break. But I felt, I don’t know. Weird. Then Nick came over.” The fog on AJ’s brain cleared a little. Nick? Hadn’t Nick been here with Brian, sick? That was why AJ had gone in the first place!

A soft sigh came from Brian. “Nick was with me all night, Alex, until you came back.”

The implications of that left AJ breathless for a second. His mind ran over the events of the night. He forced himself to focus. To think of the face of the man he had thought was Nick. As some of the haze cleared, the nausea came back. He looked at everything he had done, everything that man had helped him with. One memory came startlingly clear. ‘Nick’ helping him out of a room and a guy stepping up, taking AJ and helping him away. What had he said to ‘Nick?’ “Sure thing, Zach.” Zach. Oh sweet God.

Images of what he’d done in that room came back to AJ right then. The whole reason he’d been in that room. What he’d done and what he’d let be done to him. The nausea came back stronger than ever.  He sat up, feeling Brian jump off the bed, and groped his hands out. A second later the bucket was back. AJ grabbed it and threw up again, this time out of disgust.

The washcloth had fallen off of his face. Where, he didn’t know. But it let the light back in. AJ didn’t care. His brain was hurting him worse than anything else. Clear as a bell he saw everything he’d done. Fucking Christ.

Tears started to burn his eyes. He finished vomiting, laying back and letting Brian take the bucket away to empty it again. While Brian was gone, AJ curled up in the bed, burying his face in the pillow. His tears felt like fire as they leaked out of his eyes. What had he done? God!

“Alex.”

Brian’s voice startled him, as did the hand that gently brushed his hair back. “Talk to me, honey.”

“God, Bri, I fucked up so bad.” AJ found himself whispering. He squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to bring himself back under control. “He put something in my coke. I don’t know what, but something. We went back to this room and he kept handing me drinks, telling me it was more soda. I thought he was Nick.” The words poured out of him, a pleading sound to them, begging Brian to understand.

When Brian said nothing, AJ continued. “After a while I felt so good. It was all getting hazy around me. I kept drinking. Some of it kind of blacks out. But I remember kneeling by a table. I remember snorting, Bri. He didn’t shove it in my nose. I snorted it. God.” The tears burned hotter, faster. “He…he took me back to this room…” He couldn’t force the words to come out.

The hand on his hair stilled. He heard Brian’s sharp intake of breath, felt the tremble run through that hand, and knew instantly the conclusion that Brian had come to. Shit. He couldn’t let Brian think that! But to fix it, he’d have to tell him the truth.

AJ fought back the urge to puke again. He curled tighter around himself and prepared to lose the one person who mattered most in his life. But he refused to be dishonest with Brian. “There was a hooker in there. He…I fucked him. I’m pretty sure we were protected. I think I remember the condom. I don’t, it’s a little fuzzy in some parts. But no one forced me. I fucked the shit out of him.” He cut off, unable to keep talking.

Silence filled the room. Then, softly, “Oh, Alex.” Brian’s head dropped down, his forehead pressing lightly against AJ’s temple. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry he did this to you. I’m sorry he hurt you because of me.”

God! Leave it to Brian to feel guilt about this! “I did it, Bri!” he insisted. “I could have stopped it!”

“Alex, he drugged you, tricked you into drinking, and put you in a place to deliberately get you high when your defenses were down. He fed the addict in you then put it in its element. It’s not your fault. Oh, honey, it’s not your fault.”

The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on AJ. Hadn’t he said that sentence to Brian before? ‘It’s not your fault.’ But that advice was so much easier to give than to take. Brian had been an unwilling participant in his. AJ hadn’t wanted to do those things when he was sober, but being drugged didn’t excuse the.

Brian seemed to sense his internal debate. He pressed his advantage, speaking while AJ was still thinking. “The person you are when you’re using isn’t the same as the sober AJ. This guy, he knows that. He used that. It doesn’t mean that what you did was ok, but it does mean that the blame was on you. Whatever he put in your drink impaired your judgment. It made you not quite you. Lots of people have done things when drugged that they wouldn’t normally do. Don’t you dare take the blame for this, AJ!”

The logic of Brian’s words took some of AJ’s tension, but not all of it. He knew that some of it would take a long time to go away. He couldn’t just forget what he did. But one thought came through, more important than anything else. This stalker was getting more serious. If AJ wallowed in the pain, in the self-pity, then he wouldn’t be able to keep Brian safe. That was more important than anything else in the world. Keeping Brian safe.

“His name is Zach.” AJ said suddenly. He remembered again the man helping him, calling the guy Zach. It hadn’t registered the night before, but it did now.

Brian froze, pulling back a little. “What?”

“When I left that room, some guy helped me out on the floor. I heard him called him Zach. I thought it was weird that he called Nick that, but I didn’t care. I was feeling kind of like I was floating.”

So, they had a name to the face now. It wasn’t much but it was more than they’d had before. A name to the evil that was haunting their life. A name to the man who had destroyed Brian. A name to the face that AJ hated.

For a while they stayed there together, Brian’s hand on AJ’s hair. A chill wracked AJ’s body. Finally, the physical problems outweighed the mental. The tremors were running through him, making his entire body shake. The pain reliever had kicked in, dulling his headache, but that just left room for the craving to hit him full force.

It surprised him so much that he froze when Brian lay down on the bed behind him. In a move that AJ had never thought Brian would be able to do, Brian scooted up behind him and spooned their bodies together. There was a tremble to Brian’s hand when it wrapped over AJ and rested against his chest, but he stayed there.

Neither of them spoke. There were no words they could say right then. Together they lay there, each relieving their own pain, each wishing they knew what to do to help the other.

 

 


	17. Sixteenth Chapter

Sixteenth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How long they lay there, AJ didn’t know. But he couldn’t bring himself to move from Brian’s arms. This was a huge step forward on Brian’s part. Even in his altered state, AJ recognized that. This was enormous for Brian to do. Snuggling a little while sleeping was one thing. Laying his head in someone’s lap, or holding hands, or even hugs, those were one thing. But to lay in bed and hold someone solely to offer comfort, well, that was a step back to the old Brian. This was something he would have done before the attack. Touching, not for his own comfort, but for the comfort of someone else.

That just made AJ’s emotions even more on the surface. While half of him grieved at the events of the night, the other half celebrated that Brian was taking such a step. Even as his body trembled and shook and his breathing seemed so shaky, Brian never moved. He didn’t say a word. 

Brian had always been able to read the people around him that he loved. To know what they needed and provide it in a way that didn’t make them feel smothered. This embrace was the perfect remedy to AJ’s problems. Brian, being Brian, knew that and was offering it. If it was hard for him, he showed no obvious signs of it. There was a small tremor in Brian’s hand that AJ recognized and knew came from the fear of being this close, in this much physical contact, with another person. Even knowing that it bothered Brian, though, AJ couldn’t bring himself to move. He needed this. Damn him for being selfish, but he needed this. 

Memories were swamping him. The longer he lay here, the more the images came back. Some of it had been so hazy when he’d first woken up. They were becoming clearer now. The more he remembered, the sicker he became. But he had to remember. Anything, to gain them some information on this psychopath. Anything, to protect Brian. 

AJ knew he’d go through this hell a thousand times over if it provided him with something that would allow him to keep Brian safe. He’d take on this pain and so much more if only he could find a way to use it to keep Brian from hurting. Yet, his being hurt was obviously hurting Brian. He needed to get himself under control. The longer he took to get his iron control back the more that Brian would be hurting. 

One memory reared its ugly head, slamming into AJ like a freight train. Here was where half his fear came from. Here was what was causing him the most anxiety. He gasped with the force of the memory and what it brought with it. 

“Talk to me, Alex.” Brian whispered into his ear. They didn’t move an inch as Brian spoke so softly and gently. “Tell me. Get it out. Don’t let it just fester in there.” 

Could he tell him? AJ squeezed his eyes shut. The question was more, could he  _not_  tell him? Everything they had right now was built on honesty. Stop that and he’d destroy the trust between him. Nothing mattered to him more than Brian’s trust. 

“When…when he was dressing me, after he paid the hooker.” AJ paused on that word, feeling the shaft of pain with that thought. It took him a second to work past it and keep talking. Brian didn’t say anything else. Just held him and waited for him to continue. “He was talking to me. At first I don’t think he realized he was talking out loud. He…he said some of the things he’d done to you. That he wanted to do to you. What he wants to do to me if I don’t leave you alone.” 

Brian’s body gave a quick jerk. Reacting instinctively, AJ rolled over so that he was facing Brian. Amazingly, Brian kept his arm around AJ. But now that they were facing each other, AJ brought one hand up, resting it on Brian’s upturned cheek. “I won’t let him touch you again.” he swore softly. “He will never hurt you again so long as I’m around. I swear it.” 

Some of AJ’s strength returned to him with that vow. He felt the truth of it straight down to his bones. “What he did to me, Bri, it’s nothing. Nothing.”

Brian started to protest, but AJ moved his thumb over Brian’s lips, stopping him. “No, it’s true. What he did to me is nothing I haven’t done to myself a million times over when I was using. He thought he’d break me with this. That he’d break you and me away from one another. He has no idea of my or your strength.” Everything inside of AJ went soft. “If you can live with what he did to you, how could I do any less?” 

The look on Brian’s face melted away, leaving behind surprise and warmth. “You have such faith in me. Half the time I don’t know if I can make it through the next hour, let alone the whole day. Yet you never doubt me. Knowing you have that kind of faith in me makes it easier to have faith in myself.” 

“You believed in me, Bri, even when I didn’t believe in myself. No one’s ever done that for me before. The least I can do is return the favor.” A corner of AJ’s mouth quirked. Words sat on the tip of his tongue, aching to be set free, yet he held them back. He didn’t want to put too much on Brian, not this quickly. 

But it was Brian who said the words that left them both stunned. “You matter to me, Alex.” He whispered. “More than anyone ever has. You matter in ways I didn’t know a person could and it scares the living hell out of me.”

Equal parts of joy and heartache arrowed through AJ. Joy, that Brian had these feelings for him. Heartache that it had come out at a time where Brian felt he wasn’t capable of acting on them. 

A knock sounded on the door, interrupting their conversation. AJ didn’t move, didn’t say a word. The last thing he wanted was to get up and answer the door. He held Brian’s gaze, willing him to stay in place, to ignore the knock. Brian stared back at him, obviously torn between staying and continuing the conversation and using the door as an excuse to escape. 

Another knock, accompanied by Kevin’s voice shouting “Guys! Come on!” made the decision for them. The loud noise was too much for AJ’s head; his hands dropped away from Brian, moving quickly to cradle his head against the shaft of pain that echoed there. Brian practically flew off the bed and out to the door. 

Muted voices came from the main room. AJ ignored them completely. Between the morning after effects and the conversation they’d just had, his head was spinning. It wasn’t a pleasant sensation.  The distraction of their conversation before had helped him block the hangover and the withdrawal symptoms. Now they came back, full force. 

God, what all had he used? What had he put into his system? Those questions bounced off his skull like rocks. He’d drank, yes. Snorted, yes. But what the hell had been in his drink to start with? Had anything else been slipped into his drinks? He’d been too far gone by then to care about it even if he’d noticed it. 

Whatever the combination of things was, he felt like shit now. Like he’d been run over by a truck, taken through the wringer, beat on a rock and left out to dry. His eyes were dry and gritty, his mouth like sandpaper. His entire body shook like he was freezing to death, which he felt like. It was fucking  _cold_! That itching, that Godforsaken familiar itching, was back on his skin. Everything. This was one thing he hadn’t missed at all about his using times. The coming down. Most people only itched with hard withdrawals. AJ itched every time he came down from it. It was like little bugs were crawling around under his skin.

The sound of footsteps warned AJ that someone was coming. It took him a moment to realize that there were two sets. Shit. Kevin was coming back there? Oh man, he was not ready to deal with anyone but Brian right now. Hell, he doubted he could even handle the sound of Kevin’s deep voice right then without his head falling off and shattering on the ground. 

What he heard next made his head hurt, but it also made his heart swell. Brian’s voice, trying to stay a whisper, laced with anger. “Dammit, Kev! I told you he’s not feeling good. I just got him calmed down some and you want to go in there and upset him again?” Brian whispered furiously. 

It must have stunned Kevin as much as it did AJ to hear Brian standing up to him. Kevin stayed quiet for a long moment before he responded. “I don’t have a choice, cos. Management says the meeting is mandatory. We have to be there, all of us. They even had me get Nick up and he’s still sick!” 

A mandatory meeting? Fuck. That was the last thing he wanted to do. There was no doubt what this meeting was going to be about. He wasn’t an idiot. Someone had to have seen him the night before and reported it to management. Or…had Zach made a call, anonymously, of course. That would seem to fit in with what was happening here. The man was a serious stalker. Dangerous. AJ had thought about this and all he could come up with was that this stalker, this Zach guy, must either be trying to get people away from Brian, or doing this to try to get Brian to be disgusted with AJ and back off on his own. 

So lost in thought was he that AJ missed the end of Brian and Kevin’s conversation. But he heard as Brian walked softly back into the room. He sat on the edge of the bed, right by AJ’s back, one hand brushing against AJ’s spine for a second. “Alex?” 

“I’ve got to get up, don’t I?” AJ whispered. He took a careful breath. 

“Kev says the meeting’s mandatory. They won’t say what it’s about, but we can guess pretty well.” 

“Oh, I’m sure they just want to discuss something innocuous, like underwear or something.” 

AJ’s sarcasm had Brian letting out a surprise chuckle. “Underwear?” 

“Sure.” With a forced calm and a rigid control, AJ rolled over so he could look up at Brian. He even managed to make himself smile, even if only slightly. “Didn’t Nick ever tell you about that?” 

Still chuckling, Brian shook his head. Amusement tinged AJ’s voice. “Go figure. Kid was so damn embarrassed by it anyways. Him an I got called in by management’s rep on the first tour. They wanted to talk to us about our underwear, seeing as how my baggy jeans constantly showed mine and Nick’s show whenever he bends over. We were lectured on the proper way to dress and how rising stars don’t let their underwear show.” 

“You’re kidding me?” The smile on Brian’s face was one of the few honest ones he’d worn lately. 

“Nope. Next tour we were so big we had people fighting to have us wear their underwear and let it be seen. Funny how things turn out.” AJ’s story cut off when a chill ran from head to toe, forcing him to close his eyes against the pain it brought with it. When he had it under control again, he took a deep breath and scooted himself up in bed until he was sitting up. It felt as if his head was made of glass and balancing precariously on his shoulders. 

Brian wisely stayed silent. He went to his suitcase and pulled out a few items, bringing them over and laying them on the bed. By tact agreement neither of them spoke. Brian went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and give AJ privacy in which to change. 

Thank God for that. It took AJ more energy than he would have liked to admit just to stand up, let alone pull his shirt off. He held his shirt in his hands, looking down at it with disgust. It was the same outfit he’d been wearing before. He’d passed out in them. Suddenly he couldn’t seem to get his clothes off fast enough. He didn’t want to be wearing anything that he’d had on last night. Didn’t want that against his skin. 

Once he was naked he looked at the clothes Brian had left. A pair of black house pants, pajama pants, not as thick as sweats but comfortable none the less, and a shirt and hoodie. God bless the man. 

AJ moved like an old man, his hands trembling as he tried to dress. He had to sit on the edge of the bed to get his feet into the pants and even then it hurt to bend his head down. All the while he had to resist scratching at himself. The itching was spreading over every inch of skin. But finally, thank God finally, he got the pants on and up. The shirt was a little easier, as was the sweater. By the time Brian came back out, AJ was sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, arms wrapped around his waist to try and still the shaking and prevent itching. 

For the moment AJ couldn’t bring himself to look at Brian. So he rose silently and moved to the bathroom to take care of his own morning routine. Since he’d been staying here in Brian’s room his toiletries bag was already on the counter. HE gratefully brushed his teeth after relieving himself. Once he was clean, as clean as he could be, he headed back out to the main room. 

Brian waited by the door, AJ’s house shoes on the ground beside him. AJ slid them on and gave Brian a slight nod. On his way past he snagged his sunglasses from the counter an quickly put them on. Maybe they’d block the sunlight from blinding him too much. He pulled the hood up over his head. After that, it was just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other and following Brian. 

They reached a door at the end of the hallway. Brian paused outside it, his hand on the door handle. “Alex…” 

“It’s ok, Bri.” AJ reassured him gently. “I can handle it. I’ve handle it before.” 

Brian nodded. He opened the door, holding it open like a gentleman so that AJ could pass through. He started to, taking a few steps, but then stopped. Impulsively, he turned to look at Brian. “Bri?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Before we go in, I just wanted to say, well, you matter to me too. More than anyone ever has and in ways I never knew were possible. You have for a long time.” AJ smiled at the surprise and pleasure that flashed over Brian’s features. “I just wanted you to know. You’re not alone n that feeling.” That said, he turned and stepped into the hotel room. 

As he’d expected, everyone was already there. All eyes turned toward him as he walked in. They didn’t even pay any attention to Brian. Howie, Kevin, Nick, the management rep that toured with them, Tim something or other, and two other guys AJ didn’t recognize. 

He couldn’t focus on them at the moment. All he could focus on was trying to find somewhere to sit down. The curtains were thrown wide in here, letting the sunlight in, and it was like rays of fire trying to bore into his skull. It was with great gratitude that he saw the open couch. Only Howie sat on it, which left plenty of room for AJ to sit down in the middle and hunker as low as he could. Of all people to sit by, Howie was one of the safest. That would also leave his other side open for Brian to sit by him, which was even more important to him. 

No one said anything as AJ took his seat, or as Brian sat beside him. Sitting made it easier to hide inside his hood and block out as much of the sun as possible. He stuffed his hands into the pouch pocket on the front of the sweater, allowing him to pick at his fingers. Despite his earlier bravado, now that he was in here he was nervous as hell. What were they going to say to him? What were they going to  _do_  to him? 

“Well.” Tim cleared his throat noisily, making AJ wince inside his hood. “Now that we’re all here…” There was a pause, indicating his displeasure at AJ’s lateness. It took everything AJ had not to snarl at the man. “…we need to discuss a few important things. I’ve brought Rob from PR and our lawyer, Richard.” 

“What do we need a lawyer for?” Kevin asked seriously. No matter what went down he always looked out for his friends first and foremost. He would take charge, as always. 

Tim made another sound, clearing his throat again. AJ clenched his hands in his pocket. Jesus, did they all have to be so  _loud_? The pain reliever was barely dulling his headache at the moment and they sure as hell weren’t helping it do its job! “There are a few delicate matters here,” Tim state. “and I want to make sure that everything is done correctly.” 

When there was no further comment, Tim continued on. In that moment, AJ decided he hated the man. Not because of what he was saying. No. Because his voice had a slightly high, nasally sound to it that was like nails on a chalkboard. It was enough to have AJ wanting to plug his ears and start rocking back and forth. 

“Recent events were brought to our attention early this morning.” Tim began in his annoying voice. “We were alerted to some inappropriate behavior last night. Behavior that was witness by quite a few people. Enough people that we can’t cover it up, which means that by the time the papers hit the stands this morning it’s going to be everywhere.” 

The room was completely quiet. In contrast it made Tim’s voice seemed louder when he spoke again. “First and foremost, what we require here is an explanation, Mr. Mclean. We need to know the unedited truth about last night so we know what we’re up against and what we need to prepare for. From there, we’ll decide what’s to be done.” 

AJ instantly tensed. The unedited truth? He didn’t realize he was rocking a little on his seat, or that all eyes were on him, most of them full of sympathy. Kevin had already tried to argue this point with Tim but had been summarily shut down. They had to know, Tim had insisted to Kevin, so they could take the appropriate actions. 

“I uh, I don’t remember everything.” AJ finally forced himself to say. God, was that his voice? How had he turned so hoarse again? The quaver he heard in it shamed him. He wouldn’t be weak before all of them. Not even before his friends. Especially not in front of Brian. No, he’d be strong. He swallowed and forced his voice to hold steady. “Someone slipped something into my soda.” 

A strange voice spoke up now. “Excuse me, but can you be more specific?” The man asked. Had to be the lawyer. What was his name again? Richard. 

He had to lick his lips to moisten them before he could speak again. “A drug was slipped into my soda at some point. Check the waiters. Whoever delivered the drink when I was sitting with Howie, that’d be the drink that was drugged. We went and danced after that, he dragged me out on the floor, and that’s when I started to feel off.” 

“Off?” 

These probing questions were frustrating. They were also taxing him, physically. He rocked a little harder, still not realizing that he was doing it. But he froze when he felt Brian stand up. Where was he going? God, he should have just told these guys what they wanted to know, quickly, so he could get Brian out of here. This wasn’t all about him! Brian was still hurting inside. He still had a hard time being around a bunch of people, even if they were friends. 

But Brian was back suddenly, one hand going to rest on AJ’s leg as he sat. The other hand held out an open bottle of water. AJ almost sagged with relief. Brian hadn’t left. He’d just been getting AJ some water. He’d probably heard how dry AJ’s throat was getting. Now there was only one thing. Would his hands be steady enough to take the bottle without spilling it? Pride demanded that he do it himself, that he not let Brian help him. 

Yet, when he took a hand from the pocket, he was still shamed to see how badly it trembled. He resolutely took hold of the water bottle anyways. If it hadn’t been for Brian wrapping his hand around AJ’s, though, the water would have went everything. AJ forced down his pride and took a steadying drink of the water. When he was done he let Brian take the bottle back. “Thank you.” 

Brian’s hand rubbed gently over his thigh before coming to rest on his knee. The gesture was noticed by quite everyone in the room. It made their three friends smile, though neither AJ nor Brian saw it. 

“Yes, off.” AJ said, answering the earlier question. “I don’t know what kind of details you want. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never used before.” He raised his head, forcing himself to squint past the light to look at the faces that were questioning him. Without realizing it, he started to scratch inside the pocket, itching the backs of his hands and moving toward his arms. “I felt a little dizzy, a little giddy. At first I thought it was just the music and the heat. They do that to you sometimes.” 

“But you believe now that it wasn’t?” Richard asked briskly. 

“I know it wasn’t.” Was his blunt reply. “I got off the dance floor and tried to cool off. Someone came up, started talking to me. When I looked up, I saw it was Nick.” 

That got a few people talking. The three management representatives looked from one to the other before Tim asked “Wasn’t Mr. Carter here, sick?” at the same time that Nick, Kevin and Howie all exclaimed “What?” 

It was Nick who made the connection. His eyes, bloodshot from his cold, went wide. “Oh no.” He locked eyes with AJ, the question in them obvious. All AJ could do was nod. He’d known Nick would understand. After he nodded, he watched as Nick’s eyes slid closed and he cursed. For once no one corrected Nick for his language. 

Because he didn’t want to stay on this detail, that wasn’t his story to tell, AJ continued on with his own story. “Yeah, he was here sick. You see why I said I’d been given something? I couldn’t even see the people around me normally.” That was the best explanation he would give them for  _that_. “He told me he didn’t want to go back to the party alone. So I went with him. We went to the back rooms where the drugs always are. He kept giving me drinks, telling me he’d get me another soda.” 

Pausing, AJ licked his lips again. He sniffled, resisting reaching up to wipe his nose. “My mouth didn’t seem to work right. I couldn’t taste what I was drinking at first. Then, after a bit, I didn’t care what I was drinking. I ordered my own.” He closed his eyes now, not wanting to see the looks on their faces. “It gets a little misty here. I remember talking and laughing with people. I remember snorting a few lines.” And oh, God, how he wanted a small line right then. Mentally, no. But physically, his body was dying for some. 

He bit his lip, not sure how much more he wanted to say. What happened next was the worst part for him. It was the hardest thing that he was going to have to live with. He scratched harder at his arm. 

Brian’s hand reached out, touching the crook of his arm. At the same time, Howie reached over and pulled on his other arm, forcing his hands to separate. His best friend didn’t hesitate to link AJ’s left hand with his right one, twining their fingers together. Howie had never been shy about touching his friends. He also knew AJ extremely well and recognized what he’d been doing. 

Shocking everyone, Brian looked up from AJ’s side and glared at them all, his hand still sitting comfortingly on AJ’s arm. “Is this really necessary? He’s just barely awake and you’re grilling him on all of it!” 

Tim cleared his throat again. “I’m sorry, Mr. Littrell, but we need to know what we’re up against. Whatever details he gives us is one more thing we can prepare for. We need to know everything if we hope to salvage this disaster.” 

“You’re acting like he intentionally did this. He didn’t! He’s a victim in this and should be treated with a little respect! Can’t you see how miserable he is?” 

“With his past history, I’m sorry, but all signs indicate…” 

Furious, Brian launched up from the couch. “Screw the signs!” he snapped. Even AJ looked up at him with shock. No one had heard Brian have that much temper in his voice in a long time. But he wasn’t done yet. “He was manipulated and tricked and put into this situation by someone to hurt him. Don’t you dare sit there and make this his fault!” 

It was Richard who stepped forward, one hand held out calmly. “Do you have proof that someone would do this? More so, why would someone want to drug him and make him look like he’d relapsed?” 

“To keep us apart.” Brian snapped. His body was vibrating, but not with fear, AJ realized. With temper. “He can’t stand that AJ and I are close so he’s trying to split us apart.” 

“He? He, who?” 

“His names Zach and he’s a stalker. He’s been stalking me for a while now. I won’t have you sitting here acting like this is nothing, like AJ did this to himself, because it’s not true! Zach won’t hesitate to hurt him! He already hurt me and I’m the one he wants. Can’t you see how much more dangerous he is for those I care about?” 

Those words seemed to deflate Brian slightly. He took a deep, shuddering breath, obviously trying to bring himself back under control. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet yet firm. “I will not answer questions about that, I’m telling you now. I refuse, and you can’t force me to. But now you know that AJ isn’t lying. So stop acting like he’s relapsed and show some compassion.” 

He was stiff when he took his seat beside AJ again. AJ, on the other hand, felt like his heart was soaring. The biggest part was due to the fact that Brian had stood up and spoke his mind before six other men, and he’d held his own in it too. The other part celebrated to hear Brian defend him that way. It made him feel good. Special. Yet at the same time he hated that this had caused Brian to have to tell people the one thing he didn’t want to say. 

Kevin cleared his throat. “You heard Brian. No questions on this topic. Now, is there anything else you need to ask AJ?” 

For a moment the three reps conferred quietly amongst themselves. It was the lawyer who turned back and asked the next question. “We need to know what else happened. We have rumors that you disappeared into a quiet room for an hour or so. Is there anything that happened in there that we need to be warned about?” 

Sweet Jesus. He’d hoped, prayed, there’d be some way he could get past telling this part. Some way he could get away with pretending that it had never happened. But, of course, that wasn’t to be. He’d have to tell it all. Once again he’d be bearing his most shameful moments to those that he cared about. How would his friends look at him now? Being high, being drunk, only excused so much. 

AJ’s hand clenched onto Howie’s without him realizing it. His other hand fisted in the pocket of his sweater. He kept his eyes closed tight as he said the words that would damn him. “Zach made sure I was high enough, drunk enough, that I didn’t question anything. But that doesn’t excuse anything. He had a hooker waiting in the room. I think the man’s name was Coco.” 

The nausea came back. He couldn’t stop it. Like a hard ball it sat in his throat. This was the hardest part, by far. This, he hadn’t even told Brian yet. “While we…while he and I were, well…I think Zach had a camera. I remember flashes. A bright light going off every now and again. I think he took pictures of…of Coco and I.” 

Pictures. The thought of that was too much. AJ couldn’t handle just sitting there anymore. He couldn’t do it. With a muffled curse he flew off the couch and made a beeline straight for the bathroom. No one stopped him. 

Somehow he made it to the toilet in enough time. He dropped heavily to his knees, ignoring the pain that echoed in them from the impact to the hard floor, and then he was clenching the toilet seat in his hands as he heaved. In the back of his mind he couldn’t help but wonder how many times this was going to happen. Not the throwing up. The fucking up. How many times was he going to fuck up? 

This time the consequences were so much worse. This time it threatened to hurt Brian and nothing was worse than that. Nothing could make him hurt more. Zach had aimed his attack well. 

By the time his stomach was empty, he realized he could hear voices. He didn’t have the strength to do anything about it. He didn’t even have the strength to reach up and flush the toilet. All he could do was slump back against the side of the tub. One voice stood out above the others, though he couldn’t understand it. He recognized the tone, though. That was Brian. An angry Brian, at that. 

Maybe at a different time things might have made sense. Right then, none of it did. In the privacy of that bathroom, AJ gave himself over to the fear inside his heart. What was he going to do now? What on earth was going to happen? The others would think differently of him now. They’d look at him and see someone who could easily be manipulated into doing anything by simply putting something in his drink. Someone who, with no more excuse than some drugs and some alcohol, banged a hooker and wasn’t even positive if he knew the man’s name or if they’d been protected. He was pretty damn sure they had been. There were memories that he swore he saw a condom in. 

The noise outside the bathroom grew louder. A small whimper slid past AJ’s lips as the sound made his head throb. He curled his knees up, resting his head on them, grateful that no one had been in the bathroom with him to hear that whimper. That would have just been icing on the cake. None of them needed to see him at his most pathetic.

He pressed his forehead harder against his knees, his hands coming around his legs and gripping tightly into his pants.  _Come on_ he told himself.  _Snap out of this. Sitting here sulking doesn’t do a damn thing. You’ve been here before. You’ve done this. He can’t break you. You break, he wins. You break, Brian hurts. Is that what you want?_  

The pep talk gave him enough strength to sit up a little. To reach up and flush the toilet. From there he grabbed the edge of the toilet and levered himself up to his feet. His legs shook underneath him, but they held. One shaky step, then another. He stopped at the sink to rinse the foul taste from his mouth. 

Lifting his head, he looked at his reflection in the mirror. It took every effort he had not to wince when he pulled the sunglasses off and dropped the hood down. But he held his own gaze firmly. All morning long he’d been reacting emotionally. Reacting from the broken part of his heart. That wasn’t going to get him anywhere. No, he had to come at this from a different route.

So, with a practiced eye, he analyzed his reflection. Bags under his eyes were pretty heavy. They’d take a couple days to disappear. The redness to his eyes would take some sleep and a little Visine to clear up. He lifted his chin a little, looking down his neck. No hickeys, thank God. Later he’d check the rest of him for more marks. 

His nose was bright red. Even now he had to resist the urge to reach up and rub at it. That was something he knew how to deal with. That was to be expected. Just as the itching that ran over every inch of him was. Pulling back his sleeves, AJ winced as he looked at his arms. Shit. It was a good thing Howie had stopped him from scratching. On his right arm there were three welts and one long scratch in his skin. That was the danger of the itching. You could scratch your skin off and barely realize it. 

All in all, he’d come away worse from a binger before. That was what he forced himself to think about. He’d come away plenty worse before. This, this was nothing. It was pitiful. This Zach fucker thought he could break him with this? Thought that he could use this to win? He had no idea what he was up against. 

Yeah, the opinions of other people were going to hurt. When this hit the press it was going to make life hell for him. But the most important opinion, the one that could make or break him, had already been cast. Brian wasn’t judging him. He wasn’t angry with him, or hurt, or anything like that.  In fact, Brian was  _defending_  him in a way he hadn’t even been able to do for himself! Brian was showing more spirit at this than he had for days and days now. 

The bathroom door cracked open, the loud voices filling the bathroom for the moment that it took for someone to slide in. AJ winced at the sound, but he kept his spine straight. When he looked over he saw that it was Howie who had come in and who was quietly closing the door now. 

When he turned around, the look he wore was one of sympathy. “Hey, Age.” He said softly. Thank God Howie knew how to talk around him right then. He’d been around AJ plenty of times and knew how snarly he could turn when his was hung-over or withdrawing. Though, AJ admitted to himself, he hadn’t been his usual self so far. No, he’d been moping and whining. Disgust curled his lip. Since when was he the type to whine and mope?

“Age?” Howie’s voice was hesitant. He stepped forward, moving to stand beside AJ. One hand came up and rested on AJ’s shoulder. “You ok?” 

AJ looked back at his reflection again. “Yeah.” He said. A familiar light came back into his eyes. “Yeah, I think I am.”

A corner of Howie’s mouth quirked. “Managements in for it, isn’t it?”

“Depends.” Turning, AJ looked at his best friend. “Is that them out there, yelling at Brian?”

“Yep.” 

“Then yeah, they’re in for it.”

Soft laughter came from Howie. He squeezed AJ’s shoulder. “What changed, J? I mean, when you came in here you looked so miserable. At the risk of being yelled at or incurring bodily harm, you looked broken.” 

AJ snorted, then winced at the pain it caused. Leave it to Howie to be a smart ass, even in this kind of a situation. But his question was an honest one. AJ kept staring at his reflection, not seeing the bathroom door open slightly. He didn’t notice the face that peeked in, looking at him and Howie.

“I was, a little bit.” He admitted finally. “But, I was sitting here listening to Brian yelling out there and thinking about how he’d stood up for me. Lately he hasn’t even been able to stand up for himself, but he stood up for me today in so many ways. I don’t know if anyone else realizes how big that is.”

“We do.” Howie whispered. He moved his head, resting it against AJ’s shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the crack in the bathroom door. Saw Brian’s face and smiled to himself. 

AJ still hadn’t noticed. He was still staring at his reflection but his thoughts were more internal. “He’s such a strong person even if he doesn’t realize it half the time. With everything that’s happened to him, well, he’s been so strong. He doesn’t see it, but I do. Then this shit happens and I was so scared he was going to turn away from me. He would have had every right. But he didn’t. He stuck by my side, D. He’s supporting me and defending me. If I sit in here and cower and whine, I’m not doing him much justice, or myself. If he can stand up to them for me then so can I.” 

Howie forgot all about Brian for the moment. He just watched AJ’s face. “You really do love him, don’t you?” he murmured. 

“Yes.” Was AJ’s simple, straightforward answer. Saying it gave him even more strength. “I do.” 

The bathroom door shut quietly, unnoticed by either of the occupants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable17.html


	18. Seventeenth Chapter

Seventeenth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian was angry, madder than he ever been in all of his life. He felt the raw emotion vibrated in every bones, nerves and limbs, a fuel that was igniting a fire burning so feverish inside him that it was a miracle that no one seemed to be harmed by. He didn’t have any explanation about that kind of amount of rage, only that it had been started by simple frustration about what was happening in that room: he was staring at those three men, men that were supposed to protect them and not attack them like they were the worst people in the entire world. Especially the PR one: he knew what he was thinking, he knew that he was judging Alex for his past and he didn’t even pay attention to what he had said. He had made his mind, Alex was the addicted one and that was what happened: he got drunk, high, had sex with a hooker and now, only because he knew he had screwed up, he was trying to save his ass coming up with a lame excuse.

 

That angered Brian most of all. A lame excuse? Those weren’t just some lies made up to defend Aj! It was a serious situation, a man had died and here they thought only about album sales and reputation. It was moment like those that made Brian frustrated with the music business: he knew that it was how things worked but he couldn’t shake off the lack of regards of one’s humanity. They weren’t robot, they were human being and that meant that they had their moment of weakness, their low point. And management... management should helping them and not turning their backs and just focus on how many money they could gain.

 

Focusing his gaze towards Rob, Brian channeled all of his anger into a control of emotions he didn’t know it was there. For days, he had been going up and down, swirled around like he was a spinning top. Now, he didn’t want to leave this room, didn’t want to be coward one that ran away from confrontation. He didn’t care about himself but he wouldn’t allow them to make Alex feel that way of himself.

 

“Who the hell do you think you are?” He hissed, his tone so low but still held a forceful point that made everyone looked over him. Nick couldn’t help but smile because he recognize that tone: a mad Brian wasn’t something you got to see often because the older had the patience of a saint. But when he reached his limits... hell was like heaven compared to him.

 

“I’m doing my job, Mr. Littrell.” Rob answered, nowhere near being moved by that scene.

 

“Your job is to defend us. Your job is to make sure that truth will be out not some nasty lies only because it makes your job more profitable.”

 

Rob frowned. “I need more proof that just some random theory about a stalker. If you want me to believe that Mr. McLean had been framed by some crazy guy for what so ever reason, you’ve gotta to give me some proof.”

 

“I won’t tell you the details. But I’ve been hurt and this guy had been able to be near me avoiding security.”

 

“Well, if we don’t know that there is a stalker, we can’t doing nothing.”

 

Just as Brian was about to make a bitter reply, Kevin stepped in. Brian took that break to look over Howie, asking him silently to go and check Aj. He would have gone himself but he wanted to make sure some facts before. “We asked you to tightened up the security after that homicide.”

 

“Do you think it’s linked?”

 

“No, we don’t think it. We know that it’s.” Brian answered.

 

“Have you talked with the police?” The lawyer questioned.

 

It was Nick who answered that question. “Yes. Not giving all the details but we told them ours suspicions.”

Brian didn’t know this. Gosh, how many things he didn’t know only because he had been too busy feeling sorry for himself or crying too much for his taste?

 

“Oh come on! This is getting too big! It’s okay to admit that Mr. McLean needs help.”

 

“The one who has to get help is you! I don’t care what you think, I don’t care if you believe that we’re only a bunch of pretty faces but you’re working for us so, therefore, you need to show a little respect for us!”

 

“I think that respect has to go both ways. I can’t do my job, no one here can’t do their job, if you, our clients, hide things for us. How are we supposed to do your interests when we don’t know what’s going on? We don’t want to know your private life, who you like to bang or not. But we have to know if it affects the group.”

 

Was he implying what he was thinking? Anger, mixed with nausea, filled him in every ways. “What do you mean?” He asked.

 

“Well, it’s not the first time that a “ _vip_ ” regrets to have an one night stand with a fan and so he tries to slip it off as an unwanted attention. Is it the case, Mr. Littrell?”

 

Brian didn’t react immediately. As Kevin shouted how outrageous was that and Nick was telling Rob to back off because they knew the truth and it was far away from what he thought. His ears didn’t pay attention to what Nick was saying, the way he was defending him by only telling the truth: _Brian didn’t go in clubs to pick up strangers, Brian doesn’t do things like that._ Oh those words were right but they managed to bring up all his unanswered questions: why him? Why he had been chosen to be part of a sick game?

 

And this Rob was saying that he deserved everything that had happened. To be hit, to be thrown against a wall, feeling so weak that he couldn’t even defend himself.

 

“What?”

 

The shocked word told him that he wasn’t only thinking... no, he had been speaking out loud, he had let out every little secret. He couldn’t see the shock written all over the men’s face. And yes, even Nick and Kevin’s because, even if they knew, they didn’t ever listen to Brian while telling his story. Every word, every hatred word aimed for himself, was a painful remind how much that story had destroyed their friend, their brother.

 

“Do you think that I enjoyed being cornered in a smelly and dirty bathroom, without a chance to escape? Do you think that I’ve asked to be slammed against a wall?” Far away to bring back control over his emotions, Brian did something he didn’t ever do before, only one time and it was because Alex coated him to check his injuries: taking the hem of his shirt, he raised it up, showing those angry memories that still he bore on his skin. “Do you think that these bruises are just from a rough sex?”

 

“I... I...” Rob, as well as the others, couldn’t reply. Was there something that they could say?

 

With angry and hot tears streaming down his face, Brian spoke up again. “Do you think that I liked being raped?” Dropping down his arms, his hands still curled up in a tight fist, Brian let go of everything. “You know now the truth. I’ve been raped, a guy had died because of me and if you don’t do nothing... Aj or Kevin or Nick or Howie will be next. Don’t let that happen.”

 

Ignoring Nick’s calling, Brian turned around and started looking for Aj. He wiped away the tears, for he didn’t want to worry further Aj and because the only way to calm himself was to focus on checking Alex and make sure that he was okay, that he didn’t feel like everyone was going to believe those lies. But, when he opened the door, he stopped from getting in: Aj was standing in front of the mirror and he was so different from the miserable man that had ran away from the main room. Once again, Alex had proven his never ending strength. Then, before he could make himself known, Howie asked Aj if he loved him.

 

_“Yes, I do.”_

The sincerity in those words brought new and fresh tears. He didn’t deserve that emotion, he wasn’t worth the pain and the hurt that came with loving him. Especially, Alex didn’t know the truth. And, if he knew, love would be the last emotion he would feel about him.     

 

 

 

 

 

** ** ** ** **

 

 

 

 

 

Back in the bathroom, no one had noticed Brian: Aj was still lost in his internal thoughts while looking at the mirror and Howie was doing the same, although his stare were on his friend’s face instead than the reflection.

 

Aj’s revelation hadn’t shocked Howie, in a way he had always knew that his friend felt something deeper than only friendship for Brian. But now things were more complicated and he wanted to be sure that Aj knew that Brian might not returned his feelings or might not be able to love him like he deserved.

 

“You know it’s not going to be easy, right?” He asked him, making sure that Aj could sense his concern. “Even if Brian loves you back...”

 

“I know, I know.” Aj stopped him before he could finished. He already knew what his friend was going to say, nothing more than things he already told himself a thousand times. “I’ve waited for him for so long and I can’t imagine not loving him. Mostly, I can’t imagine a Brian who can’t love someone, unable to love period. It’s part of his nature, it what makes him Brian.” For the first time, Aj locked his eyes with Howie’s ones. “Right now, I just wanna be there for him. He trusts me and... it might sounds stupid or too corny, but seeing him like that, it just makes me wanna grow stronger so he can always lean on me.”

 

Afraid of what reaction would be reflected in his friend’s eyes, Aj lowered his gaze upon his hands, trembling with the force of the cravings. He swallowed back the fear of rejection, knowing that it was only motivated by the drugs still floating in his veins. Supported by this strength, he managed to raise up his face and surprise, along with a warm feeling enveloping his heart, filled him as he met only a smiling face.

 

“You’re growing up, Alex. And I don’t doubt that you’re gonna heal Brian. Just... don’t forget your needs while you’re trying to take care of Brian, okay?”

 

Now it was Aj who replied him with a smile. “Don’t worry. We’re a team, we look after each other.”

 

As Aj turned open the faucet to wash himself a little more with cold water, Howie leaned against the wall, willing his worry to go away: he was glad to see that change in Aj because he had been so afraid that one step back into drugs and alcohol could meant losing, once again, his best friend. Aj had a big heart, a thing that not most of the people knew, and as any other pure heart, it could be easily bruised. So Aj hide that part of him, over a façade of the tough one who didn’t need anyone to protect him or just be there for him. Behind the rebel cover, there was only a lost little child who wanted more than ever to be accepted with his fragilities and insecurities. Most of all, he just wanted to be loved. And it was clear as the sun that Brian had discovered that child and was slowly taking care of him: with everything happened, someone else would have just ran away from Aj, afraid to be pulled down in the same path. Not Brian. Brian, who was far from being okay, was out there fighting for something not because he felt like he had to but because he wanted to defend Aj’s honor. Because that was the kinda of guy Brian was: for his friends, for people who he loved and cared for, he would fight with every strengths, even when he didn’t have any left for himself. But fight for himself? Not at all, he would just hide and with a sad smile say that it was okay, that there were much bigger problems in the world to just focus on his. Maybe, if he was standing in front of the old Aj, he would have just told him to step back and waited until and if Brian would be okay to start a relationship. But this new Aj knew better and, maybe, was the right person to show Brian that it was okay to take time to heal his wounds without giving a damn about other’s problems.

 

“Alex, you need to talk to him.”

 

“What?” Aj exclaimed in surprise, spinning around. He put a hand on the sink when he realized that he shouldn’t have done that, especially since the room didn’t stop when he did. “Don’t you think that now Brian isn’t really thinking about relationship and love? If you haven’t forgotten, there is a psychopath out there.”

 

“I don’t, trust me. But you both need to know where you stand. Are you only a friend? Do you want something more when this all situation will end?”

 

“Of course I want something more than friendship but that depends only on Brian.”

 

“No, don’t make his mistake. Don’t put his needs before yours. Now, more than ever, Brian needs to know that he isn’t taking advance of your feelings, that you know that he might not be able to love you back like you deserve.”

 

Aj sighed, knowing that Howie was indeed right. Because that was a thought Brian would have, worrying about someone’s feeling instead that just using help without any doubts. It was just another thing that made him fall in love with him. “You’re right. It’s something we have to talk about it. I just... I just don’t want to load another weight on his shoulders.”

 

A strange light lightened up Howie’s eyes. “Maybe you won’t. Maybe, you will help him releasing some.” He didn’t add more, just opened the door and walked out of the bathroom, leaving a stunned Aj behind him. Then, after a few moment when he just thought over his words, Aj tilted his head back and laughed. Leave it to Howie to say something cryptically that held, instead, a clear meaning.

 

When he joined his friend in the main room, he noticed first that Tim, Rob and Richard weren’t there. Good, he didn’t want to face them once more that day, he would just have yelled at them for having screamed at Brian. Speaking of, neither Brian and Kevin were there too. He didn’t have the time to ask Nick, the only one left, where they were because the younger jumped on his feet as soon as he saw him.

 

“Gosh, Jay! You should have been here!”

 

“What happened? And where is Brian?”

 

“He is taking a shower.” Nick replied. “Kevin went after him since you were still in the bathroom and Brian didn’t want to disturb you.”

 

That made Aj’s senses raising up. “Something bad? Another attack?”

 

Nick waited a moment before replying. “I don’t know. He was there, he was mad, angry. He was the old Brian, you know? The same Brian that had faced Lou about the money he stole us. But Rob, the PR, wouldn’t back off, no matter how many times me and Kevin told him to drop it. He wanted to know how Zach had hurt Brian and then...”

 

Aj didn’t like what he was hearing and the desire to drop everything and stalk down that man was rapidly growing inside him. “Then what?”

 

“He basically implied that Zach had made some moves, like a kiss or a grope, and those didn’t count as “hurting”.” Nick ran his fingers through the hair. “Brian lost it. He took off his shirt and showed him the bruises, screaming if those could be count as hurting or if he thought he enjoyed being used as punching sack. Or if he enjoyed being raped.”

 

Howie let out a muffled sound behind Aj, who didn’t know how he was still there and not somewhere breaking every bone of that Rob. “Then Brian just disappeared in his room and I think Kevin said something about breaking the contract if they don’t take measure to protect Brian. I don’t know, I was still in shock.”

 

Aj didn’t wait any longer, without giving any words, he just heading back to the room he was sharing with Brian. Funny how fury made him walk quicker than he thought he could do, since that morning he felt like an old man. And, to be honest, it wasn’t only fury. It was worry the force sweeping in his feet, worry about that the few steps Brian had done towards healing had been vanished by a stupid and obnoxious man that thought that he knew everything when, in reality, he didn’t know nothing. 

 

He yanked open the door, looking in every corner to find Brian. Only Kevin was inside the room, sitting on the edge of the bed near the door of the adjoined bathroom. The only sound was the one of the water of the shower still running and that, combined with the defeated look on Kevin’s face, told him that things were bad.

 

“He’s still in there. I tried to call him but... or he didn’t hear him or he didn’t want to answer me.” Kevin said as soon as he saw Aj. “Do you think he...?” Kevin couldn’t bring himself to finish that thought. Just thinking that Brian had been so close to do it once was bad enough but to think that he was doing it while he was outside, useless and unable to do nothing to prevent it... it was worse, much worse. Why he couldn’t help him? No, why everything kept tumbling down? He was the first to admit that things were still far from being normal again but last night, when Brian had reached out for Aj and took care of him, it seemed like time had turned back. And now... look where he was, hidden in a bathroom, back inside those thoughts that held him prisoner for the first days.

 

“He won’t.” Aj tried to reassure him. Or... was he reassuring himself instead? Oh, he could feel what Brian was thinking in that moment. Emotions and thoughts he had only a moments before, where he was screaming at himself how disgusted must be his friends knowing what he had done the night before.

 

“You sure? You...” Kevin hide his face behind a hand. “You didn’t see him. He froze when he realized what he had done. I tried to touch him and he just jerked away, running like someone was there killing him. I shouted something to management, literally no more than thirty seconds, but by the time I got here, he was already locked in the bathroom.”

 

“Can we fire them?” Aj asked him, trying to boil down his anger Although his first need was to go inside with Brian, he knew he couldn’t do while anger still vibrated from every bones. “I don’t care if we have to pay something or what. I don’t want them near Brian. Especially that dickhead of the PR.”

 

“I don’t think it’s gonna be a great idea. Especially now. We need to focus on Brian and keeping him safe from that psychopathic. Even if they’re idiots, we need management to organize things and take care of media and such. Be without them it would just leave us defenseless.” Then, he remembered something that Brian said and that had made him shiver. “Can I ask you something?”

 

“Sure.” Aj asked, suddenly nervous about it and afraid it might have something to do with his rough night. He should have thought that no one, aside Brian, would believe him.

 

“The other day, when Brian had his crisis, did you see someone in the hallway?” Kevin asked, taking Aj completely by surprise. He expected him questioning if what he had told was the truth or if he had gone and drunk because of all the stress.

 

“You believe me?” He couldn’t help to ask.

 

“Of course. Jay, I’ve already told you that I know you’re not that person anymore. And yes, it might be hard for strangers to believe that someone could plot something big like that but... we both know that this Zach is dangerous.”

 

Relief was like a huge wave washing over him, taking away all of his fears of having screwed up things once again and being hated for that. “You don’t know how much it means for me.” He whispered in a choked voice. Then he cleared up his voice. “See what?” he asked, going back to what Kevin had asked him before.

 

“Brian said that he saw Zach.”

 

“In the hallway?”

 

Kevin nodded. “He was coming out from your dressing room. And... management found a bag of cocaine inside your things.”

 

Shit. Double shit. He didn’t care about the coke, he didn’t care Zach had wanted to frame him worse. Didn’t Kevin realize what could have happened? That psychopath had been so close to Brian that, if he really wanted, he could have taken him away. How in the hell had he managed to do that? “I was with you, Kevin. If you didn’t see him, how I was supposed to?”

 

“At first management didn’t believe him but Nick lied saying that he saw him too. That pretty shook them up so they’re speaking now with the police.”

 

“Finally!” Aj exclaimed dryly. “Still, can you talk to them? You’re the only one who can scare someone and they need to realize that I won’t accept that kind of behavior around Brian. He needs support from everyone, not to be questioned about everything.”      

 

“I think that Brian shocked them enough.”

 

“He shouldn’t have. I mean, it was his decision to not tell everyone.”

 

“I know.”

 

Kevin got up, knowing that Brian was in better hands than his. “Call if you need something. I’ll try to reason with Rob and we’ll find a way to contain the news between us.”

 

“Can you order us some breakfast? I can manage Brian to calm down but... I guess it will do no good if he will be up in a matter of seconds after the first nightmare.”

 

“You want to give him his pill?”

 

Aj nodded. “He’s still supposed to be on bed rest.”

 

“Okay.” Kevin answered, scribbling down something on a white sheet. He was about to go out the door when he turned around. “Take care of him, okay?”

Aj smiled softly, as always when Brian entered in his thoughts. They’ve come so far and he wouldn’t let someone, or something, destroy everything. “I will.”

 

“And take care of yourself, too.” Kevin added, before leaving the room with finally something to do. First, he could finally vent out all the anger he had held inside for too long time.

 

 

 

 

 

** ** ** ** **

 

 

Curled up inside the shower, Brian let the ice drops of water hit his body, too numb, too frozen to really pay attention to the temperature. How could something already frozen feel the cold? That was him in that moment, grateful to be numb because he didn’t like those feelings inside him. It was too much, a rollercoaster that didn’t seem to stop any time soon: so many different thoughts, so many emotions and he didn’t know which one was the most important.

 

Gosh, he had been so stupid! Everyone, now, knew what happened to him. He could hear their whispered words, picturing their eyes full of pity about the poor boy who let himself being touched by a psychopath and he could just sense their disgust as they witnessed every bruises still screaming on his body. They were right, so right about thinking that he deserved it. Even if, in a part of his mind, he knew that he was being irrational, that honestly, he didn’t deserve that kind of madness, he was convinced to deserve being throwing down after every attempt to raise up. Because he was so selfish to depend on everyone, especially Aj. He should have putted his foot down and ran away so, maybe, Aj wouldn’t be reduced in those conditions.

 

_I love him._ Bittersweet had been hearing those words: those three words made his heart flutter while a warm fuzz finally made him believe that something good would come out from that situation. But then, when Alex said that he had done it for a long time, Brian had felt a sense of defeat filled him: Alex wasn’t in love with him, not this Brian shattered and left wondering what to do with himself. No, he was in love with the old Brian, someone that had died and couldn’t be brought back.

 

And he... he was just taking advance of this love. He was stealing from Alex strengths he didn’t have because, if he was around him, he could fake that he was that Brian again, the one who everyone had always count on in time of need, the Brian who Nick had always looked up to understand the world around him.

 

“Bri? Can you open? I know that you aren’t really showering.”

 

Alex. He shouldn’t be here, not after all he had been through because of him. Gosh, he knew why he had ran in the bathroom and it had broke his heart saw him crumbling down like that. He had always envied the way Alex had turned his life around: he made mistakes, he paid for the consequences and he had learned his lesson.

 

And yet... here he was, on the brink of a edge that was already shaking in its core. And it would not get better, especially if he kept keeping Alex so close to him. One day... one day he would be too tired and weak to keep up his defenses and he would see how much he was wasted, how far things were from what he thought. Those men, looking at him like he wanted to be treated like that... they were right. That was the worst feeling inside him, the one that tore him apart, the fact that his body had reacted by those unwanted touching.

 

“Don’t make me break down the door, Bri. You know that I can do it.”

 

Alex wasn’t going to leave him alone. Not until he was sure that he was alright. And that was what he intended to do: he would put up his mask and take care of Aj.  

 

Brian grabbed one of the robe hung on beside the shower and put it on, barely feeling the warm that the texture provided. Straightening up his spine, he forced back every thoughts and fears, hiding them in a place Aj couldn’t access. Alex didn’t need more stress and he wanted to make sure he was safe and okay before breaking down once again.

 

“Hey.” He murmured softly after opening the door. “How are you feeling?”

 

Aj was taken aback by Brian’s demeanor. He had expected to force his way in the bathroom, ready to witness another breakdown and, instead, he got a totally calm Brian, maybe too calm after his outburst in the main room. He studied him closely, wondering what was screaming at him that something wasn’t right: the wet curls indicated that he had indeed been in the shower and the red shade of his skin told him that either the water was too hot or too cold. That, he had imagined it would happen: probably showing the tangible signs of the assault had brought back the too familiar feeling of shame and being dirty. And that was, partially, the reason why he seemed so distant like... damn! Screw that stupid guy! Brian was back at the beginning, the first day after the rape when he had closed off himself from everyone. Oh, but Aj wasn’t going to let him doing it! He had fought to break down those walls and he wouldn’t let Brian build up them again.

 

“I’m good.” Aj lied, feeling again the trembles that still shook his hands. Without realizing it, he scratched the inside of his elbow. “How are you?”

 

Brian rounded around that question, focusing his attention on the friend. “You should be sleeping. It will help you dealing with the craving.”

 

Aj didn’t let Brian go off so easily. “You are the one who should be sleeping. Only a day ago you were in hospital.”

 

Brian flinched at the mention of his trip at the hospital and what had caused it. Then, something caught his eyes. “Alex! You’re bleeding!” He exclaimed, pointing with his index finger the point where, indeed, he was bleeding.

 

“Fuck!” There, on his arm, was a large scratch and a red fluid was flowing out. He pressed a hand over it but the itching was still tempting him to scratch the skin already flushed.

 

“Sit on the bed while I search my first aid kit.” Brian told him. “Try not to worse it, please.”

 

Aj grinned back at him. “I’ll try my best to behave.” Brian couldn’t help the tiny smile to appear on his face. What power Aj had that always found a way to make him smile, even when he felt only the urge to cry? Being with him, it was easy to forget all those reasons why he shouldn’t be so close to him. He busied himself searching for the kit, knowing that it was somewhere inside his suitcase: between him and Nick, he had always need to have one on hand! He felt tears prickling the corner of his eyes as he remember how easy had been life during those days; yes, there had been obstacles and days where he just wanted to go back to the simple life in Kentucky but he would take them in a blink instead of that uncertainty.

 

Finally, he found the aid kit. He went in the bathroom, took a washcloth and wet it, before heading out and joining Aj on the bed.

 

“Come on, let me clean it.” He said, motioning Aj to stretch out his arm so he could clean the wound. It wasn’t that deep but he did a quite job on himself. He couldn’t help the guilt to raise up a little, knowing that if it wasn’t for him, Alex wouldn’t be like that. Along with the blame, came the urge to detach himself more further from him.

 

Aj, on his part, didn’t know how to approach Brian. What was the right thing to do? Pushing him, forcing the truth out from him, knowing that he could do much more harm than good or let Brian had his space? Most of the times, that was the way Brian worked: he would focus himself on the others while sorting whatever was going inside his head. Letting him doing this would have meant that he was treating him like had always done, a sort of normalcy that Brian was surely missing. But, even with that choice, he could do more harm, letting Brian thinking that he didn’t want to help him anymore or that he was blaming him for everything that had happened.

 

Everything in Brian was screaming for help, that was the only thing that Aj was sure of: the way he had managed the washcloth so it would cover his hands and put a barrier between him and his skin; the tightness of every muscles, it looked like it was a physical pain trying to hold everything inside. That won over Aj, he couldn’t let Brian keep doing this to himself. He could deal with the anger, he could deal even with the tears, although it broke his heart, but the silence? Not at all.

 

But he chose carefully his words. “Thank you.”

 

Those two words surprised Brian, freezing him with a hand up. He slowly turned his head to look to Aj. “About what?” He asked with a tiny voice, his heart beating so hard against his chest.

 

“Before. You stood up for me.”

 

Brian let out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding and went back to cure the welt on Aj’s arm. “It’s not a big deal. They didn’t know the truth and I couldn’t let it pass as something you did on purpose.”

 

“I’m still grateful and... I’m proud.” Aj waited to keep going. As soon as Brian raised up his gaze again, he spoke again. “You probably don’t realize it but... back there, you were the old Brian. You weren’t afraid of speaking up the truth, even if it hurt you.”

 

“Trust me, I was afraid.”

 

Silence fell back again, leaving Aj clueless to what to do next. “Are you still afraid?”

 

Brian’s jay tightened up, showing that Aj did hit a sore spot. “I... I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, Al... Aj.”

 

Being so used to Brian calling him Alex in those days, it hurt to hear Brian calling with his name: it showed what Brian was doing, he was deliberately putting a space between them. “You’re afraid about them knowing. You’re afraid what they’re thinking, judging you as a weak person because you let that happened.” Aj dared, dared to put a hand upon Brian’s, foreseeing the way the muscles beneath his palm would tensed up or the jerking moves to get away. “You’re afraid to be touched again.”

 

A breathe in and a breath out, Brian forced himself to keep under control the panic while his minds was searching an alibi to excuse himself and get away. “It’s... you don’t know, Alex.” This time, the nickname fell from his lips before he could stop it. “You don’t know the truth.” _You don’t know how disgusting I am. They are right, I provoked him and let it happened. I deserved this._

“There is more?”

 

“You love me.” Brian held his gaze, looking into Aj’s brown eyes. “Why? How can you love me?”

 

That shocked Aj, mostly because Brian had taken him by surprise. He did wanted to talk about his but not like that, not with Brian looking at him so broken, like he did really believed that he wasn’t worth to be loved in that way. “The right question is why I can’t love you.”

 

“You love someone that doesn’t exist anymore. You don’t want to love this.. whatever I am right now. But... I can’t be the old Brian, he died that night.” _He died when Zach forced his way and my body betrayed me. How can you, Alex, love a soul so shallow?_ “I don’t want to deceive you and, most of all, I don’t want to use your feelings to force you to stay with me.”

 

His wound long forgotten, Aj raised up his hand and let it rest on Brian’s cheek. “You’re not using me, Bri. I’m here because I want to. I’m still here because I care for you and I... I just wish there was a way to take away all the pain you’re feeling. Especially, I just want to make you see that you’re carrying too much weight on your shoulders.”

 

“Please...” Brian pleaded Aj, closing his eyes. “Don’t... you can’t…”

 

“I can’t what? Love you? There are so many reasons why I do, so many reason why I wouldn’t change for anything in the world the emotions inside my heart.”

 

Brian shook his head. “You can’t touch me.” He replied, finding strength to force back the tears. If he started again, God only knew he wouldn’t be able to stop, which would meant Aj to try to comfort him and to forget to look after himself. He had to be strong. Even if it hurt ten thousand times worse.

 

“I’m touching you and nothing’s happening. Or... are you disgusted by me?”

 

That seemed to shock Brian. “No!” he exclaimed, looking stunned. “What the hell, no, Alex! I won’t be disgusted by you! It wasn’t you who did those things. You were a victim.”

 

“Why can’t you use your own words for yourself? You’re so easy in forgiving me, even when I don’t deserve it. Yes, I was drunk. But I could say no to the hooker. And, mostly, I enjoyed the sex. I wasn’t a victim. I had the chance to say no and I preferred to say yes.”

 

“You weren’t thinking. Drunk, he could have asked you to sell your house and you would have done it. He used your weakness, knowing that you wouldn’t be able to turn down the offer. That’s even worse...”

 

“Even worse than a rape? Even worse than a dead man?”

 

Brian flinched at the word. Why was Alex keeping saying those words? Why he couldn’t see the shame written on his face? “Is it rape if someone enjoyed?” He asked without even thinking about those words.

 

Oh, sweet Jesus, for all this time, Brian had kept this secret? That was the reason why he kept bringing himself down, the reason why he felt so broken. “Oh, baby. You... why you didn’t tell me? It’s not your fault, even if your body reacted, you still didn’t want it. It’s still rape.”

 

“I felt so wrong... I still feel like that, if I didn’t react, he would have stopped. And back then, when I showed my bruises, it was like they could see past me, like they know that... and they’re right, I deserved it.”

 

Aj slid down by the bed so he would be at the same level as Brian. Even if he didn’t want to, he fought back the urge to take the man in his arms. And, even if he was shocked by those words coming down from Brian, he couldn’t help to stare amazed by the steel control Brian held: no tears, no screaming... maybe, that toneless voice, painted only by a brokenly defeat, was worse than the raw emotion of pain. Because... because now it seemed like Brian wasn’t letting himself to feel.

 

“And then... then I heard you saying to Howie that you love me.” Brian wanted to stop himself, wanted to hold on the tiny rope of hope that somehow Aj would still be by his side if he didn’t speak but it was like words were running away. Or, maybe, he wanted to push Aj away from him and that was the only way he could do it. “But you fell in love with me before this happened. I can’t tie you in something that I... I don’t know if I will ever be able to shake away this fear every time someone, even you, is close to me. And to trust someone that deeply, to make you see what’s going on inside me and how... how much shattered and helpless I am. Its’ not fair.” He lowered his gaze, for he didn’t want to see whatever emotions was showing its light inside Aj’s eyes. Even if it hurt, because deep inside he cared, no, he felt something for the man that he didn’t quite understand, well, even if it hurt he had to give Aj the chance to say no, that he didn’t want to wait for something that it might not happened. “You deserve much more than what I can give you. You’re a passionate man, you show love through your body and... no, I can’t let you close away, waiting for me to give you things that... I wasn’t able to love Nick that way before, now... I don’t know if I ever be able doing it.”

 

Aj stopped him, placing a finger over his lips. “I don’t care if I have to wait until eternity. I love you, more than I ever done in my life. But, now, you don’t have to worry about this. I’m a big man, I can look after my heart and I know that it will be long before you will be able to trust me in that sense. But I know you will and you know why?” His finger traced down until his whole palm was resting there where Brian’s heart was beating. “Here is where the Brian I fell in love with is hiding. He’s licking his wounds but I know that one day he’s going back again in the sun. Maybe you won’t be the same person... no, I’m sure you will be a stronger Brian. You will love and you will be loved.”

 

“I want so bad to believe you, Alex. But... what if one day you’re gonna realize that you have wasted time after me? What if you realize that loving me isn’t worth the wait, the heartache and... the pain?”

 

“One day, a wise man said to me to live life day by day because, if you worry about the future, you’re gonna miss the present.” Aj said, finally seeing Brian’s features relaxing a little. He remembered when Brian said that to him, a night full of drinking and whining about what the future would hold for him.

 

“He wasn’t that wise.” Brian breathed out.

 

“Let me be the one judging, okay?” Aj replied. “Don’t worry about the future. I won’t push you. We can be whatever you feel you want to be right now. Friends, more than friends, it doesn’t matter. Just... just don’t shout me out. I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.”

 

Doing something he hadn’t be able to do some minutes before, Brian placed his hand upon the one Aj was still holding over his heart. “I feel something for you, right here. You saved me, Alex. And you’re still doing it, day after day. I just... I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

“I promise to tell you if you ever hurt me. Even if I doubt it. You’ll probably hurt yourself before hurting someone else.”

 

“You’re... you’re gonna wait for me even if I don’t... if I can’t give you the...” Blushing, Brian stuttered, the word sex wouldn’t want to even form inside his mind. He had always been shy about that area, something Aj had always made him fun of, making blunt and explicit jokes just to make him blushing like a little girl. But now, that word, three simple letters, held so many meaning, some of them that fearful, that Brian’s mind didn’t want to express it.

 

“I’ve got a pretty good fantasy. So, don’t worry about it.”

 

Brian didn’t know how to reply, everything that they have discussed was making him lightheaded. Or, maybe, it was because he felt like a huge weight had been lifted up from his shoulders: Aj knew and he wasn’t disgusted. Now that everything had been in the open, now that he had made sure that Alex wouldn’t feel like being used, he could focus on healing, knowing that, even if he fall, Alex would be there to pick him up.

 

“Come on, Bri, you look like you’re dead.” Aj said and Brian had wanted to reply him but... he was right. The mental exhaustion was feeding the physical one and it seemed like heaven some hours in which he didn’t have to think. He let Aj lead him to bed, sighing when he felt his head hitting the cushion.

 

“Do you want to take the pill?” he heard Aj asking. Pill? Oh, yeah, the sleeping one. He shook his head, a movement that used the last trail of energy. But his mind didn’t stop, remembering him that Alex too needed to sleep. And there was only one way to assure that.

 

“Alex... will you lay down with me?”

 

Aj didn’t have to reply. He took off his shoes and then laid down on the bed, on his side, facing Brian. The man was already on the brink to fall asleep: he looked, finally, so peaceful, his lips partially open, his right hand close to the head. Aj reached out with his own, intertwining their fingers together. He laid there, watching Brian sleeping, until his own eyelid grew heavier and he couldn’t keep them open. His last thought, before sleep claimed him was a prayer that he would be able to carry, even just for awhile, Brian’s weight.

 

_You’re so perfect to me._

 

 

 

 

 

 

** ** ** ** ** **

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nick was restless, a nervous ball of energy that yearned to be revealed. Shows and perfomances applied to the job, that was why he loved so much being up on the stage: yes, the adoring screams were part of the pleasure, and he would an hypocrite if he lied about not liking them. But nothing felt more powerful than to burn energies while doing something that made him feel... alive.

 

During their days off, he was used to go out with Brian, play basketball or do so many things that he was literally wiped out when they snuggled on the couch to watch some films or whatever television series Brian was addicted to in that moment.

 

He missed Brian. It was a selfish feeling, he knew, because he was missing the old Brian, the one always ready to help him, his partner in everything. He was the one who always managed to calm him and help him to think about a solution to his problems, instead that simply crying over how unfair it was.

 

Now that he had grown up a little, he could see how much unbalanced had been their relationship. Still, a part of him had loved Brian and, maybe, it was still doing. But even him could understand that it was very different from what linked Brian and Aj: they seemed to have this incredible power to strengthen up each other. It amazed him and he was really glad that Brian could lean on someone who knew how to deal with everything.

 

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t do nothing. Because... he hated being useless. Everyone was doing something, minus Brian and Aj who were resting in their room: Howie was dealing with media, doing interviews and trying to contain the damages. He also said that he was going to call someone he knew, someone that could help not only Brian but them as well. Kevin had been cooped up in the management’s room, lashing out some anger and discussing about what to do next. It was a little scary how easily Zach had been able to sneak in not only in the secured area behind the curtain but even in a private party. Security had to be tightened up but with everything going on and how tiny was the last straw of Brian’s control, it wouldn’t surprise Nick if they would decide to postpone the rest of the tour. It would sad and they would disappoint many fans but... their own security and health was much more important and that was a lesson they had learned in the hard way.

 

Still, Nick knew that he had to do something to help with the situation. _Yeah, right... but what?_ He asked himself while looking around in the room and his laptop caught his attention. Bingo! He could try to find some info about that crazy sick man. They had a name and he knew his way in the web that he was sure he could probably find something.

 

He switched on his computer and got comfortable on the bed, retrieving from one of his suitcases his glasses. He opened a internet window and stared at the blank page, trying to find the right string of keywords.

 

_If you don’t know what to search, try always with everything you have in hand._

What did he have? A name, a certain kind of behavior and a homicide. He could start with the last one, trying to find if there was some info that they didn’t know. He typed it and then waited for the results to appear in front if him: lots of link about the news, comment made by who knew the victim and some of the fans that saw him before Zach got him in the alley. Aside from scribbling down the name of the victim, Nick shuffled over because those links weren’t helpful. Pages after pages, nothing seemed to pop up and he was about to try again with a new word where a title of an old article caught his attention.

 

**_STILL NO LEADS IN THE “BSB’S ALIKE” MURDER._ **

_After one year, there is still no name for the man who had killed Stephen Loughton, the 25 year old guy found dead in an alley of Orlando. Stephen had been missed for a month, having disappeared after he attended to a Backstreet Boys show. And it seemed like the boyband had a major part in the mystery since the victim held some similarities to one of the member and, news, it’s not the lady killer Nick Carter but the choir boy Brian Littrell._

That couldn’t be only a coincidence. Not at all. Two homicide and both victims were Brian’s double. The only difference was that this Stephen had been missed for a month and Nick didn’t want to know what had been done to him in that period. If it was Zach the abductor, and Nick was sure of it, it wouldn’t have been pleasant.

 

Nick had a feeling that Stephen hadn’t been the only one being killed. But he couldn’t find it alone. He grabbed his telephone and dialed a number. “Michael? I need your help for some research about our psychopath and some murders still unresolved.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable18.html


	19. Eighteenth Chapter

Eighteenth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the first time, Brian woke up without screaming or feeling like someone was ripping him off in shreds. He had been so exhausted that even his mind didn’t have the energy to come up with a nightmare, whether it was about the rape or Zach killing one by one his friends.  

 

As he lied down there, still with his eyes closed, he could sensed that something had changed, especially between him and Aj. No, not Aj anymore. Alex. His Alex. The man that didn’t mind if he couldn’t given him back things natural in a couple. The man that had listened carefully to every demons still haunting his soul and decided that he didn’t mind and that he didn’t find them so disgusting as he felt.

 

He should have been happy instead he couldn’t help but worrying. Was he being selfish? Alex was the only thing he could rely on and the only one who could get him through every fall. But... as much as he wanted, he couldn’t give him back nearly half of the love and support he had received. Was he being selfish letting Alex closer when this could meant more harm? The true answer was that yes, he was being selfish because he didn’t even know what he was feeling about him or how much those emotions were linked because of what he was going through. He was taking and taking without giving back nothing at all. How could it work once that everything would over? Or if it would be over. He was being selfish because, no matter how many wrong reasons he could come up with, he felt whole only when he was with Alex.

 

Opening his eyes, the first thing he could see were their hands still clasped together. He shifted a little, turning on his side so he could watch Alex sleeping. He wished he could dare to do something more, he wanted nothing more to be inside his arms, feeling protected and loved but just as the mere thought his body started to rebel against it, demanding a distance that was so painful for his soul. It wasn’t fair, no damned fair. He had give up everything, stripped down about everything he had known about himself and still... still he couldn’t find peace.

 

Still, he couldn’t help but blaming himself for something his mind knew he had no fault. He didn’t have sex with Zach only to regret it and saying around that it had been a rape; he didn’t help that crazy man to kill someone only because he couldn’t find a way to meet him once again. And, on top of that, he didn’t slipped drugs inside Alex’s blood, he didn’t buy a hooker and then snapped pictures. He didn’t do anything and his mind knew that. It was his heart that was still bleeding for pains and heartaches that didn’t belong to him.  

 

“I know what you are thinking. - The raspy comment drew Brian’s attention back to the present. – And I’m not letting you go away.”

 

“You don’t think about the consequences. Your rational part is blinded by love but love... love can’t heal everything. Love can’t protect you if Zach decides that you must die.” Brian himself was surprised by the lack of emotions showing in his voice. Everything inside him had been numbed or, maybe, he had used every tears that now he didn’t have nothing left. Crying wasn’t the solution, crying wouldn’t convince Alex that it was a bad idea staying together with such an uncertain future ahead them. And, mostly, crying wouldn’t bring back that guy from death.

 

“Security can protect me, now that they know how bad is the situation. And love... you might be right, I can’t heal everything. Only you can heal some of your own wounds. But, love can help you.” Aj knew that Brian was going to fight him no matter what and he was prepared. Fighting Brian’s demons would help him to fight his own because he gave him something more important to focus on instead than swallowing inside waves of pity ‘cause he had screwed up his life once again. “Bri, I know you’re afraid. But I have faith in you.”

 

Faith. It was something Brian didn’t think about in a matter of days. He was lost, he had lost part of his solid faith because, whenever he thought, he couldn’t find any valid reasons why God would put him intentionally in a situation like that. He had always believed that everything he had been though in his life had happened for a reason. To learn a lesson so precious that words in the Bible couldn’t explain. But what good would come from this mess?

 

“How can you have faith in me? - Brian asked, his eyes still locked on their hands tangled together: those fingers were like them, so strong when they were together, tightened so intricate that it was difficult to see where one or the other beginning. But still so fragile that even a simple fear could broke them apart. – How can you believe that everything will turn out okay? For me. For us.”

 

“I’m not going to say all over again all the reasons why I love you. Because, at the end, that’s why I have faith in you. I have faith in you because I love you. And I know that, deep inside, your faith is burning steadily. It’s now time to start to love yourself once again.”

 

“I don’t like myself very much right now. I look at the mirror and all I can see is everything I’m not anymore. And when I see what I’m now... it just makes me wanna to break it so I can’t see it. I wanna go back to myself but I don’t know if I can. If I would be ever able to be that man again.”

 

“Then you need to find another you.”

 

“How?”

 

“I don’t have all the answers. – Aj replied, shifting a little closer to Brian. He waited for a minute, to let Brian be comfortable in that position and giving him the freedom to scoot back if it was too much. But Brian stayed there, although the trembles through their fingers became more noticeable. – But I know the place where you are now. I’ve been there, even if for different reasons. Building up yourself won’t be something easy and it won’t happen overnight. Each day will be a new challenge but it will give you back a piece of the puzzle.”

 

“What if one is missing? What if _he_ took away something that I can’t have back?”

 

Before Aj could  answer him, ‘cause he kinda knew what Brian was referring to, a knock on the door pulled them from their position. Aj debated with himself if he should answer, since it would be probably Kevin to check on Brian. He looked over Brian and he saw his same uncertain written all over his face.

 

“I don’t wanna see anyone.” Brian whispered very quietly, his words leaking some of shame about what he let them saw, the bruises that spoke so loudly about his rape.

 

Another thing that Aj could relate to. “Ehi ehi. Now, you should know that no one is going to judge you. Or think less only because they saw.”

 

“They were shocked.”

 

“Not because of you but for you. - Aj replied. Still, he knew that this wasn’t going to pass through Brian’s skull. Brian was so wrapped about the conviction that everyone was disgusted by him that he couldn’t see past it neither he couldn’t catch the difference that they were angry and shocked about what had happened to him, the mere fact alone that he had been hurt in that way and still bore the signs. – Bri, if the situation was the opposite and one of them show you bruises after being rape, would you think that they brought this upon themselves? Or would you be mad to the man that had hurt them?”

 

Brian smiled a little, understanding what Aj was saying. “Technically, I know that they would never be disgusted of me. – he shrugged his shoulders, calling himself a stupid for those thoughts. Inside his mind, they seemed so big and right but here, laying it out to Aj, they just seemed frail puppies.  – I guess my fears are still having control of my brain. But it’s not Kevin and Nick that I’m worried about more... they weren’t the only ones in the room.”

 

“Management? Screw them! - Aj exclaimed, hoping to get a smile from Brian. – If they say just one word, I’m sure that Kevin would fire them. Or, I can always bite them.”

 

Brian grinned. “The old Aj is back.”

 

“Jay? I need to speak with you.” Nick’s voice came through the door after a second knock.

 

Aj tilted his head and asked silently to Brian what he wanted to do. The other man just snuggled over the blanket, pulling it over his head. “I’ll tell him that you’re sleeping.” Brian just nodded and slipped more under the blanket. No matter how many times he told himself that he was being silly about his fears, his shame still managed to take control, refusing to let anyone closer to him. Especially Nick... gosh, what the hell he was thinking about him? He had always been his hero but... what kind of hero let something like that happened to him? 

 

Aj stepped out from the bed and padded to the door, opening a little enough for him to get out and then closing it behind his back. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Is Brian sleeping?”

 

“Yes. Do you need something?”

 

Nick ran a hand through his hair. “I did some researches. And it came out that there are some others cold case like that guy Zach had killed.”

 

Shock had Aj frozen on his feet, looking at Nick with mouth open. He did knew what it meant, he knew that it meant that others men, looking alike Brian, had been killed. And that was a frightened thought because it meant that Zach was more dangerous than what they had thought. “How many?”

 

“On my own, I found only one. But then I called Micheal and he’s on his way with another two. But he thinks that... that there could be more.”

 

“Shit. Holy shit.” Aj cursed, scratching his hands over the welts on his forearms.

 

“Yes. The one I’ve found had been missed for a month before he was found and... I couldn’t see all the photos because of the things he had done to him. This man is crazy.” Nick shuddered as the images he had tried to erase from his mind came up again.

 

“I think that crazy doesn’t cover perfectly.”

 

Nick looked at Aj, holding his gaze and looking more serious than Aj ever saw on the younger’s face. “Do you think that Brian needs to know? – He asked, lowering the voice like he was afraid that Brian could hear him. – I mean, it has been a rough morning and... I... it’s too much... I don’t know, this is gonna crush him hard.”

 

Bringing a hand over his eyes, Aj thought about it. He shared the same worries Nick had, this was something Brian didn’t need in that moment. He was still grieving that one innocent and now, with another, he didn’t know how he was going to react. It could be the last push to drag him under and make him giving up and yet, at the same time, it could be the thrust to make him react.  

 

“He needs to know, Nick. - He breathed out. – As much as I want to shelter him, he has to be aware about the truth. It’s the only way he can fight it.”

 

“I don’t wanna see him more broken than he’s already.”

 

“Nick, the only thing that could do him good is knowing that Zach is locked in a cell where he can’t harm him and the ones he love. Until then... we just have to be there for him.”

 

Nick sighed and then take a look at his watch. “Micheal is gonna be here any minutes. Brian would want to be there and he can help.”

 

“Okay, just call us when he’s here. I’m gonna talk to Brian and at least prepare him.” He didn’t wait for Nick to reply, he opened up the door and closed it behind him, debating how he should approach that topic with Brian. Turned out that he didn’t have to because, as soon as he turned towards the bed, he found himself staring at Brian’s face.

 

“Tell me it isn’t true. - Brian pleaded hoarsely, fists clutched tightly at his sides . – Please, tell me I heard it wrong. Tell me it’s just a sick joke. _Please._ I... I can’t...” The voice trailed off, lost in thoughts that seemed too bigger to grasp.

 

What could Aj say? He didn’t think that Brian would listen to their conversation, he hadn’t thought about this output. But, stripped down to the truth, even finding it out from him would have made a difference. So, he chooses to speak with acts instead than words: without giving Brian the time to stand back, he threw his arms around him, blocking him in a hug that meant to be a source of strength and comfort. He expected the itching breath and the struggling to get free so he soothed those fears with meaningless words. What he didn’t expect was the way Brian stopped struggling and just let himself be enveloped in the embrace. Aj found himself silently sighing with relief while tears of joy welled up inside his eyes: this was such a huge step for Brian, even if he didn’t realized yet.

 

Lost inside that warmth, Brian tried to centered himself. There was no time for him to break down once again or to grieve other souls ripped away by the hand of a crazy mind. He could do that after they had spoke to Micheal and found a way to solve that case, everything that could protect and save Alex. That was the most important thing in that moment, the one thing that could help him to put aside every fears and every weakness.

 

When he was sure he could speak up without breaking in tears, he pulled from Aj’s arms. “I’m okay.”

 

“You sure?” Aj asked, looking at him skeptically. For anyone, it would seemed like that Brian was the same as always, the calm expression that masked under the turmoil he sensed when he hugged him. Somehow, in some ways, Brian had found some strength inside him.

 

“Would you be sure to be okay about hearing people being killed because of you?” Brian replied.

 

“Probably not. Just... just don’t push yourself. I will be there with you so, if you need to escape, just tell me and we’ll be out.”

 

Brian’s jaw hardened, set in a firm expression. “I can’t always run away when I don’t like what people are saying.”  

 

This time, when Nick knocked at the door, there was no doubt in Brian. Still holding Aj’s hand, he started walking in the main room, ready to face another ditch in the road.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

___________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he first met them, Micheal Loreil didn’t know that Brian and Nick were part of a successful and famous boyband. Music, to him, was still played by old vinyl and nothing made him more relaxed than the voice of the old buddy Frank Sinatra so, everything that was so in on the radio was still unknown to him. Nick, that day, was just one of those kids he had always had to watch halfheartedly, hating that there was nothing much for him to do than just send them home, the same place they were running away from.  But Nick was different, and not only because, as he had learned after, he was famous. No, he was different because he had someone who cared enough for him to fly out in the middle of the night just to be sure that he was alright. To be more precise, he first met Brian through phone since the moment Nick had called him: he called to tell him when his plane would take off and when it was supposed to land; then he called when he was on his way to the station just to be sure that Nick was still there and not off to try to kill his mother. On the phone Brian seemed so mature that he thought that there was some mistakes because the men that had entered in his office looked like he was much younger than Nick himself.

 

Micheal learned who they were the moment he went home to his wife and told her about what happened. He remembered Maria, his wife, showing him some pictures on a magazine and started a long rambling about how cute those Backstreet Boys were and how sad that someone young and truly a sweetheart as Nick had to go through something like that. He wouldn’t have thought it about anymore if, the day after, Brian called him to thank him for everything he had done for Nick the night before, which it hadn’t been that much, and asked him to check on Nick’s siblings those months when they would be abroad. When he asked for some explanations, Brian just told him that the Carter’s weren’t bad parents but that they’ve been blinded by all the amount of cash and fortune that Nick had brought when their band had started to get famous and popular.

 

From that awkward conversation, a bond were formed between him and Brian. A month later, the young man had started a program to help those kids who were in the same situation Nick was or in much worse conditions.  After they had finished their tour in Europe, Brian and Nick held a benefit concert to raise money to keep up the program and only four months later he had finally managed to have them over to dinner, making his wife happier than he ever saw in the last years. Married for twenty years, they hadn’t be blessed with child and that was something that always broke his heart because his Maria was born to be a mother but fate and a illness had taken away from them that chance. Still, the woman he loved hadn’t lost her mother instincts and she quickly adopted those two kids as soon as they stepped inside their living room.

 

And, over the years, Brian and Nick had became like sons for them. It was always amusing to watch them interact in a place where they were two normal guys: they were crazy, always running and never stop for a second. The house was always much more silent once they were gone, back to tours or doing all those things that Brian had explained him once but still he couldn’t really fully comprehend because so far away from his life. Micheal was a simple man and the only contacts he had with the glamorous life had been the times he arrested some obnoxious pop stars that believed that the world revolved around them.  But the things Brian had told him? Contracts that couldn’t be broken, obligations to perform even if they were sick and barely able to stand upright... he gained more respects for them and realized that they weren’t famous only because good looking. Behind their fame there were years and years of hard work. Maria would just cursed something in Italian, since her parents were from a little town in the South of Italy and had travelled in America to find a better life, and then forced the kids to eat plates of pasta before sending them to their rooms to rest.

 

It hadn’t been a surprise when, the year before, Brian and Nick had came to them as a couple. Maria had squealed like a little girl, professing that she knew all along and that it was time for them to accept their feelings for each other’s. Micheal couldn’t deny that they were cute together... because, they were! And they were happy and that was what mattered.

But everything changed the moment, some days before, when Nick called him asking for help because something had happened to Brian, something that bad that had forced the older to break up with the younger and retire in himself. Something bad that could cost his life.

 

Even though Nick hadn’t told him all the details, he already knew what happened. Having been a detective for all his life, that wasn’t the first case he had to work on but it was the first time something like that happened to someone close to him. Just like doctors couldn’t operate on parents, he knew he wouldn’t been unbiased by this case. Yet, he couldn’t pass along to some colleagues, since most of them were in the same situation, having met Brian and Nick and became friends with.

 

So, technically, he knew how he should act around Brian: touching and contacts to the minimum, shown understanding and sympathy and not to press if he was reluctant in sharing information. Still, it would be hard to just watch Brian and treating him like an average rape victim instead that the man he came to love as a son.

 

The main room where he had been escorted by Drew and Q, two of the bodyguards, was bigger than his living room and, in that moment, was full of people he barely knew, if not from the pictures Brian and Nick had shown them or the little stories too funny to keep them as a secret: Kevin and Howie were talking with a man dressed in a suit, white pages in their hands and never once raising their voice but still forced to keep it quiet. Because of the man sitting in one of the white couches. Brian was sitting between Nick, who was trying to distract him with a game, and Aj, if he wasn’t mistaken.

 

Before making himself noticed, Micheal checked Brian like Maria had taught him not long before: she went by instincts, always knowing when the smile was forced or when was real and natural. In that moment, it was the first, which shocked him because never Brian had faked a smile with Nick.

 

“Detective Loreil? - Lost in his thoughts, he hadn’t noticed Kevin stepping away from his friend and walking over him. He shrugged clear his mind and focused on his job... because, even if he didn’t like it, that was _a case_. His job. – I’m Kevin, Brian’s cousin. Thanks for your help.” _The same manners Brian had always displayed must be something running in his family_ , Micheal thought as he shook the hand the dark man held out.

 

“Call me Micheal. I’m not the detective who is working on this case. Not now, at least. For now, I’m just a friend helping out.”

 

“I still appreciate your help. - Brian said, walking over and standing not so close to them. – It’s good to see you, Micheal.”

 

“You too, son.”

 

The little smile, this time, wasn’t a façade. “I was hoping to see you in an happier occasion but... – he trailed off, lowering his eyes for a second before raising up once again his gaze. – How is Maria?”

 

“She’s good. Although she will be mad if she can see you. It’s not you who is supposed to lose weight.” Micheal winked at him while looking at Nick. Brian couldn’t help the tiny laughter that pricked his throat while wanting to get out, especially after seeing Nick’s face when he realized that Micheal was speaking about him

 

“Hey! I’m young and I’m still growing! I need to eat!” He defended himself, causing everyone to laugh.

 

“See? We didn’t even say his name.”

 

“You always make fun of me! And it’s not my fault your wife cooks so deliciously.” Nick remarked, pouting but still glad that Brian was smiling again.

 

From his spot on the couch, Aj watched the exchange while studying Micheal. The man looked like every detective in those drama series on television: not much taller than Brian, his figure was weighted down by the good cooking of his wife, along with years of working only behind a desk. He had to be in his forties, fifties, since his hair were a dark brown with a little salt and pepper here and there.  Overall, he could see how Brian and Micheal had bonded since they seemed to share the same character: maybe it was part of his work attitude, but the way he had tried to ease a little Brian before starting the whole conversation... well, that reminded Aj of Brian and how easily it was to speak and seek help in him. At the end, Aj declared that he liked this man so he jumped on his feet and walked over the couple.

 

“Guess Brian was too lost in making fun of Nick that he forgot to make introduction. – he joked. – I’m Aj.”

 

Brian stuck out his tongue at Aj. “I wasn’t making fun. I was just stating the truth.”

 

A tiny light of positive shock brightened up Micheal’s grey eyes as he saw Brian taking Aj’s hand in his. An instant conclusion was made inside his mind: he liked the young man before his eyes, for he must be special if he had gotten to break down any barriers Brian had built up.

 

“I think it’s time to settle down for business, right?” Kevin asked directly at Brian, implying the question if he was ready. Brian nodded slightly, tightening his grip on Aj’s hand, whose only answer was to soothe his nerves with gentle caress. Now that Brian seemed more comfortable about being touched, Aj didn’t let this chance passing by, taking advantage to comfort Brian in the best way he knew.

 

Silently, all of them settled down on the couches, glasses of water were being passed along and Micheal opened up the folders he kept under his arm.  Before he could start, the man he saw before talking to Kevin and Howie held up an hand and cleared his voice. “May excuse me but I’ve got something to say. Foremost, I want to apologize. Mr. Littrell, you were right. My job is to defend you and I wasn’t doing my job by jumping into conclusion, obviously wrong.”

 

Brian just smiled. “It’s okay.”

“Secondly, my apologies go to Mr. McLean.”

 

Aj’s head snapped upright in surprise. “Me?”

 

“Yes. We’ve done some investigations and the results were that you’ve been framed. The waiter admitted to have been paid to turn around while a “ _guy looking like Nick Carter_ ” – Rob quoted -  slipped something to the drink made for you. A witness claimed to see this unknown guy drag you in the Vip area and we’re still trying to find the hooker.”

 

“So now you believe us?” Nick asked bitterly.

 

“I should’ve done it from the start. – Rob said while getting up. – I’m going to make some calls, we’re still trying to understand where the pictures taken had been sent. But I still have an issue  to discuss with you so just ring me when you’re all done. Mr. Richardson, I trust you to give me a full review about what you are going to discuss with the detective afterwards and if we need to involve the police.” With that, he left the room, leaving a thin silent hovering over the guys.

 

“Wow – Aj exclaimed in disbelief. – It’s the first time they apologize to me.”

 

“I guess the world is coming to an end, then.” Brian clucked, getting a laughter from everyone.     

     

“Okay, Brian. – Micheal interrupted the highlighted spirit, bringing everyone back to the matter of the day. – Nick had told me briefly what happened. He didn’t go into details but...”

 

“... but you guessed that I’ve been raped, right?” Brian finished for him.

 

“Yes. But I won’t ask you anything. If you feel the need to share something, anything that could help, it’s fine with me. But, if you don’t, we’ll just pass onto the murders.”

 

Aj felt Brian tensed up so he started again to rub his thumb over his palm, circles that meant to take away the creeping feelings his thoughts were bringing on. And Brian... Brian couldn’t understand how Aj managed to do that, to always know when his mind was back again in that bathroom and always knowing how to bring him back. He couldn’t be more grateful for his steady presence because it was the safe ground where he could breathe and try to be normal again.

 

“Aside from what Nick told you, I don’t think there is more to tell. Only that Zach warned me that he would be back for me.”

 

“How do you know his name?” Micheal asked, pulling out his note pad and writing down something.

 

“When I was in the backroom with the hooker – Aj answered. – I can’t remember who but someone called him with that name. I was trashed, I know, but I’m sure about it because I remember thinking it was strange because that was Nick so why someone would call him Zach?”

 

“Okay. So we have a name. It’s not too much, the name complete would have been better, but it can work. I’m sure someone would have noticed him since he’s the clone of Nick.”

 

“What a luck!” Nick grumbled.

 

“Let’s start with the first murder, the one Nick had found. It happened in 1999 so that means that Zach’s obsession with you, Brian, is deeper than a simple random encounter in a bar.”

 

That thought made Brian physically sick. The branches of that sentence were much frightening than the rape itself: it meant that Zach had followed him for years, trying to get closer and closer until he got the chance to have him. It meant more killed guys, more madness spread over roads he had travelled clueless to what was happening behind him. Suddenly, he felt claustrophobic, it was too much hot. He didn’t’ want to be there yet a part of him wanted to know everything so he knew where to direct his anger.

 

So he sat there, clutching Aj’s hand like it was a lifesaver, listening to stories that felt so real even if it revolved around people he didn’t know and that he wouldn’t ever meet. He listened about Stephen, a young physiotherapist with the passion of music, disappeared without anyone notcing, and reappeared a month later dead, a bruised corpse morphed in a resemblance of himself. Then, one year later, came the turn of Nigel, a dark haired man about his age that vanished the night of one of their concert in Dallas and was found two weeks after, in conditions that even Micheal didn’t want to share. What did Zach do to them? Part of his brain knew what he might have done and, maybe, it was better if he didn’t witness tangible proofs of how sick that man was.

 

Then, after Nigel, came Mitch, who suffered the same fate as the other two. Taken after one of their concert, he reappeared only some days after, a blonde wig instead that his brown hair and blue lens.  Mitch died four months before that night.   

 

“There is a precise scheme in Zach’s work: he goes to concerts, finds his target, which most of the time is someone who looks alike Brian, and then he kidnaps him, for a length of time that goes from a month to a matters of days. My best theory is that he tries to make them his own Brian and, when he realizes that they can’t be like the original, he kills them and jumps to find a new victim.” Micheal explained, trying to ignore the vacant look on Brian’s face. Probably it hadn’t been a good idea letting him be present at that meeting, knowing how easily it was for him to feel like it was all his fault.   

 

“What about the guy killed outside the arena?” Kevin asked.

 

That seemed to snap Brian back from his mind. He didn’t forget about him, oh no. He didn’t ever asked about what was his name or how old he was. He was so focused on his problems that he didn’t care. And this wasn’t like him! He had to get a grip of himself.

 

“Oh, yes. Thomas, his name was Thomas. It was the night when you cancelled the concert. So, I guess, that Zach was angry because of that decision. He was sure to see you, have another contact with you and then he learned that there was no chance to see you. He was mad so he took it upon the first guy who looked like you. He probably totally thought that he was killing you and not some strangers.”

 

Brian squeezed Aj’s hand. “What... what you think we should do?”

 

“The only way to fight him, now, is to have a better and tighter security. He’s sick, yes, but he’s very clever. There has to be no room for another mistakes.” He didn’t add what everyone had already thought: a mistake meant the risk of Brian to be caught by Zach.

 

 

 

 

 

________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

The meeting ended up shortly after and Brian went to the door with Micheal. “Thank you, Micheal.”

 

“No problem. I preferred that you didn’t ever need me for something like that.”

 

“Me too. But... I can’t keep hoping that it’s only a nightmare. People died and I won’t doing them any justice if I hide away from reality. Zach is going to pay for every family that still mourned their son.”

 

“Just be careful. You’re the one who he wants. Don’t do something stupid because you think it’s the best choice for everyone.”

 

“I almost did. – Brian confessed, looking over where Aj was talking with Howie. – But someone stopped me.”

 

Micheal followed Brian’s gaze and couldn’t help to smile when he saw who he was looking. “Let him help you, son. He cares for you.”

 

“I know.” Brian replied softly. Even for Micheal, it wasn’t hard to see what emotion linked those two guys together and he prayed that this story wouldn’t close Brian’s heart for fear of getting hurt. He had saw guys and girls going through the same thing and saw the aftermath, closing themselves off from the world because it just hurt too much or because they weren’t lucky to find someone who would help them to trust again. He prayed that this wouldn’t be Brian’s case and that one day he could look back and saw everything like a bump in the road, another obstacle that he had managed to get past. Because the Brian he knew from that first day he met him... that Brian loved to love people.

 

“Nick has my number so if there is something more, he can call me anytime. I’m going back to look about this Zach and...”

 

“If you find something, call me.” Brian interrupted.

 

“I can call another one. Kevin or Aj... you don’t need this on top of everything.”

 

“No. – Brian replied firmly. – I want to be involved. I don’t need to be sheltered or not knowing  things because it hurts. It’s the only way I can think of healing. I need to do something or...”

 

“You need to think of yourself, first. That’s how you can do them justice. Staying alive. – Micheal said. – Take some days off, go back home or come to stay with us. But you need to step back and breathe for a little.”

 

Brian bitted his lips nervously, debating with himself.  Going back home was so tempting but, at the same time, it didn’t feel right. There were so many things that could go wrong while he was away. “What if...”

 

“Don’t. You can’t build your life around if’s or maybe’s. Zach would do what he want regardless what you do.”

 

“I’ll think about it.” Brian answered honestly. He knew that, if he proposed something like that to Kevin, the older would be nothing but be happy to accomplish. Furthermore, he wasn’t going to ask for a month break, only a few days to try to find a meaning in everything.

 

A few days to try to mend his heart and to find the first piece of his new himself.

 

While Kevin was calling Rob and Brian was busy speaking with the detective, Howie took the chance to talk with Aj. It was clear that something had changed between him and Brian, mostly on the way Brian seemed less reluctant to lean on the other man.

 

“Hey, Jay. How are you doing?” He asked.

 

“Better. Sleeping always do the trick.”

 

Howie crocked his eyebrows towards Brian’s directions. “Have you talked to him?”

 

Aj stared at Brian too, noticing how he was deep in thought. “Yes. Turned out that he heard us so he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t using my feelings.”

 

Howie smiled, he should had thought that Brian was more likely already thought about it. “I guess you had done a lot of convincement since it seemed like he’s more.. open in asking help.”

 

“It’s not easy, D. There is still a lot more that Brian has to come to term with. But now that our feelings are out in the open, it’s... I don’t know how to explain, but it makes me much braver and stronger. Because I know that there is something tangible to fight for.”

 

“You deserve happiness, Alex.” Howie said warmly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Everyone does.” Aj replied. _Especially Brian_ , he added in his thoughts.

 

Howie took a little card from his pocket and handed to him. “Remember that I told you about this girl I knew? – Aj nodded, remembering that it was that memory that made his friend realize what happened to Brian. – I called her and I found out that she’s now a therapist for rape victim. We’ve talked a little, asking her for advice about how to treat and act around Brian. I don’t know... but I guess that Brian needs someone, aside you, to talk with, someone who knows what he’s feeling.”

 

“You did the right thing. I’ve thought about it but Brian isn’t ready yet.”

 

“I think you should call her. Since you’re the one who spends most of the time with him, maybe she can give you some advice or clear your doubts.”

 

Aj accepted the card and tapped it safely in his pocket, knowing that one day it was going to be useful. “Thanks, D.”

 

“No need. Maybe in the past, we managed to fail each other. But we’ve grown up, we learned our mistakes and we aren’t going to mess this once again. We are a family.”

 

Thank God he thought about wearing his sunglasses otherwise his friend would had noticed the glimmering tears that were willing up in his eyes. But Howie’s words couldn’t be truer. They were a family. That meant that most of the time they couldn’t stand each other in their nervous days or they were always picking up about habits and such but it meant that, in time of needing, everyone was there to help their brother.

 

“Okay, guys, Rob can’t get because they’ve probably found the hooker but he told me what was the matter he needed to discuss with us. -  Kevin’s voice interrupted everyone. He waited until everyone was back on their seats, smiling as Brian sat near Aj and took his hand, and then started again. – Media is having a fly with the news, I’m sorry Jay.”

 

“This was expected.”

 

A light nod. “Rob came up with a plan but, at the end, is you who has to say yes or no. The plan is to postpone the tour for a month, to let the dust cloud to vanished a little.”

 

“It’s not a bad idea, though. That way, there are less chance that Zach can kill other innocents.” Aj reflected. Still, he didn’t know why he had to agree or not.

 

“Exactly. And to give you and Brian time to relax and heal a little.”

 

“Where is the trap?” It was Brian who asked, his brow furrowed.

 

“We have to make a statement about Aj going back to rehabilitation. This doesn’t mean you have to go back, we know that you didn’t do it willingly.”

 

Before Aj could even start his reply, Brian jumped on his feet. “That’s not fair!”

 

Aj stood up too, trying to calm him down. “Hey, it’s not a big deal.”

 

But Brian didn’t want to be calm down. He knew what people would say, how they were going to treat Alex and it wasn’t fair he had to rebuild his reputation because of the work of a mad man. “It is. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

“Brian, hey, look at me. – Aj squeezed his hand until he was looking directly to Brian’s blue eyes. – I don’t care what people are going to say. The most important thing is that you and the guys believe me and don’t judge me. The others? Screw them.”

 

“But... the fans...”

 

“They’re going to think that, this time, I made a mistake and I’m willing to make it right. They never left us before and they aren’t going to do after this. You’re worrying too much.”

 

“And Bri? – Nick cut in the conversation. – Think this: if we say that Aj is in rehab, Zach would most likely leave him alone because he isn’t with you. Because he isn’t an obstacle anymore.”

 

Aj wanted to kiss Nick for his intervention. He played the only card he knew Brian wouldn’t object: his safety. And he saw, in Brian’s eyes, the defeat, the admission that it was a good idea if it left him safe and sound. “See? For once, my problems are going to be useful!” He tried to joke, hoping for a little smile that didn’t come. Still, Brian surprised him by simply laying his head on his shoulder.

 

“You’re crazy, you know, to joke about that.”

 

“I know. That’s why people love me.”

 

“You wish.”

 

There. In that moment, Brian’s lips curved in a little smile. “Kevin, tell Rob that I’m okay with his plan.” Aj said, leading Brian back to the sofa. Kevin nodded and, in a flash, he was out of the room, phone clutched tightly in his hands. In a moment, everyone was up and doing something while him and Brian just stood there, close and silent.

 

It was Brian who broke the silence. “You should call your mom, Alex.”

 

“I know. I will.”

 

“You should do it now. She probably already saw the magazines.”

 

“Are you trying to get rid of me?”

 

“No, no! – Brian laughed, maybe the first laugh Aj had heard that was natural. – It’s just... I’m going to call mine. I want to go home for some days.”

 

“I think it’s a good idea. Give me an half hour and then I’ll start calling for a flight.”

 

Brian knew what Alex meant. They had been indivisible in those last days that it seemed so absurd to think about separating.  But the thought had started to form inside his mind as he talked with Micheal. He needed to be by himself for a little while, trying to find a little ounce of strength while he was being taken care of. He couldn’t weighed down Alex more than he already done, not while he was fighting over an addiction. “I... I want to go on my own.”

 

“Oh.” Aj commented, a little disappointed.

 

“Don’t think that I don’t need you because... you know that I do. But... I need to do this. I need to crash bad and I don’t want you to see me like that. You’ve already saw me in my lowest point, I want to save a little dignity.”

 

“Brian, I don’t care if you want to spend three days laying in bed. I don’t care if you want to cry or break things, although I might help you a little with the last one.”

 

Brian shook his head. In his mind, it was the perfect idea but... how could he refuse Alex’s help? But he had too, he was doing that mostly for Alex. “It’s...there’s so much I need to think about: the rape, Zach and those guys and... _us._ That’s the reason why I want to be on my own. Because, when we will meet again, I wanna be sure about my feelings and how we are going to work.”

 

Aj didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. He felt, in a way, rejected and he knew he was only being unfair because Brian didn’t want him because of what had happened but... yes, in a contort way, he was doing that for them. That was another story, another part of him that was jumping and dancing around because Brian had used that little pronoun that meant the world. _Us_.

 

“I get it. I’m not happy because I don’t like being away from you, being unable to help you. But I get why you need to be on your own. Only a few days?”

 

Brian smiled. “Only a few days.” He agreed.

 

“Only one promise: I don’t care what time is it, but if you have a nightmare or whatever feeling or just want someone to talk, you have to call me, okay?”

 

“Even if it is only to comment a cheesy film on television?”

 

“Even in that case.”

 

Brian parted reluctantly from Aj. He still had a phone to make and it wasn’t going to be very easy. After saying that to Alex, Brian returned to his, no, their room. He took the phone and dialed a number he had always knew.

 

“Mom? I... I’m coming back home.” He said as soon as he heard the bright voice of the woman. The last resort of control blew off and Brian found himself breaking down, this time didn’t ashamed by the tears.

 

 

 

 

________________________

 

 

 

 

     

 

The last suitcase had been closed by the time Aj returned from his call. The air in the room was gloomy and it seemed like to Brian that he was going to say goodbye to a part of his life, the live he had lived until that frightful night.

 

“Kevin asked me to tell you that your car is already waiting. You’re going to take the back door, since there aren’t a lot of fans there,”

 

“Thank you. – Brian said, rubbing his eyes to try to take away the puffiness. The call with his mom had been an emotional ride and a lot more was waiting for him once he would be home. – Everything okay with Denise?”

 

“Yes. I told her the basic facts. She was ready to jump on me about the drug but, in the end, she understood. She wants me at home so I guess I will be going there for the few days.”

 

“Let her spoil you a little bit, Alex.”

 

“You too. Especially in the eating department.” Aj warned him with a grin.

 

Placing his bags on the floor, Brian stepped over him and hugged him. It was a fast one and not the ones Aj was used to know but it was a start. “Thank you, Alex. For everything.” Then he went back to get his bags and started walking out the door. He looked back at Aj one last time, really fighting the need to ask him to come with him. But the smile he got in return warmed him more than the sun in the hottest day. Because it gave him _hope_.

 

He was broken. He was in pain. He was shattered and there was no assurance in his future if not for one thing. If not for one person. _Alex._

 

Alex was his hope, the promise that he could be still loved and that, one day, he would be able to love once again.

 

Maybe now his world was surrounded by darkness and shame but there was a small flickering light at the end. And he was going to fight to keep it burning.  

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable19.html


	20. Nineteenth Chapter

Nineteenth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AJ looked at his watch as he sat in a cab on the way to his mother’s house. It had been hours since he and Brian had gone their separate ways and yet he felt like it had been days already. He’d thought he’d understood before how close they had become. But now that they were apart, he was realizing what an intricate part of his life Brian had become. 

Some of it was in ways so small that AJ had never noticed them until now, when he was without them. The way that, even though they might not be touching, he could always feel Brian’s warmth right next to him. The smell of Brian’s shampoo that always surrounded him. How, when his hands started to tremble just a little, Brian seemed to realize it even before he did and offered comfort or distraction. 

He missed reaching out and lacing their fingers together. The way that Brian would hold his hand now, just slightly tighter than he had use to do, now that he was more comfortable with touch between them. Or that little smile that Brian gave him when he said something funny; not quite a full smile, but a flash of one. 

Jesus, did he sound pathetic or what? It had only been hours, fifteen hours to be exact, and already he was sitting here pining for the man. He had to get a grip on himself. But he knew pining for him was also a way for his brain to focus on something other than the worry. Worry about what Zach might do. Worry about how Brian was going to do, mentally. Worry that, when Brian came back, maybe he’d have decided that being with AJ wasn’t what he wanted right then. 

_Be honest with yourself, that’s the biggest worry you have_  AJ thought.  _You’re absolutely terrified that he’s going to go home and without you there he’ll start to heal more and realize that right now, he doesn’t want you in his life._  

It was petty, but it was true. And it made him feel like an ass.  _You should be happy he’s standing up for himself enough that he wasn’t afraid to tell you that he wanted to be alone. That’s a huge step. He’s getting back some confidence. You should be happy he’s comfortable enough to go home to his family alone._  

The cab pulled up into a long driveway, stopping at the top. Even as AJ paid the man and was stepping out to grab his bags, his mother was rushing out the front door. “Alex!” she cried, racing toward him. AJ caught her up in a big hug, smiling at her excitement. The minute she pulled away she started talking. “God, it’s so good to see you! Look at you! You’ve lost weight again, haven’t you? I swear, you never eat enough.” 

“I eat plenty, Ma.” He reassured her as he grabbed his bags from the trunk. It was the same thing they said to one another every single time he went to see her. Just like always, she stole a bag from him despite his protests and then started to usher him in the house. He knew she’d have food in the oven waiting for him. It never failed. Though it was ten o’clock at night, she wouldn’t care. He could almost predict what it was going to be. Either meatloaf, or spaghetti, both of which he loved.

Sure enough, he smelled the meatloaf the instant he stepped through the door. And, if he wasn’t mistaken, that was mashed potatoes in the air as well. 

Denise set his bag at the bottom of the stairs and turned around to smile at him. Shutting the door, AJ looked over at her and felt everything in his heart seem to just swell up. He dropped his two bags with a loud thud and stepped over, wrapping her into his arms again. 

Tears that he hadn’t known were there were suddenly filling his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. One of the main reasons he loved his mother was that she understood him like no one else in the world. She didn’t panic on him, or exclaim over the tears or the trembling. Instead, she moved them over to the couch and sat down, cradling AJ against her until his head was resting on her shoulder. “There, there hon. Let it out.” She whispered soothingly. 

He hadn’t realized just how much he’d had locked inside of him. But there, in the comfort of his mother’s living room, nestled in the same arms that had always been there for him, he just shattered. For quite a while he just cried, saying nothing, unable to do anything else. 

When he could finally catch his breath, he found himself telling her everything. Every moment since all the shit had started. He omitted nothing this time, giving her the unvarnished truth. By the time he was done he felt hollowed out; empty. 

Denise brought a hand up, stroking back his hair. “My poor baby.” She said softly. “You’ve had a hard time of it, haven’t you? 

“Not as hard as Brian.” He started to protest. 

She shook her head and planted a kiss on his hair. “Doesn’t make yours any less painful, baby. My heart breaks for Brian, it truly does, and I’ll say a few extra prayers for him tonight. But you’re my son and you’re here with me. My main concern is you. Maybe this trip is what the both of you need, not just him. He has time to think on himself and to find healing with his family. You should try doing the same.” 

“I can’t help worrying about him, Ma. He…he means so much to me.” 

“I know he does. I’ve always known that. But you need to take care of you for a little while. You need to handle your own feelings and your own problems before you can be any help to him with his.” 

Her words gave him pause, forcing him to think. What she said made sense. If he didn’t deal with his own pain than how could he expect to deal with Brian’s? “I was blessed with a pretty smart Ma.” He told her, pulling away to smile at her. 

She brought a hand up to wipe the tears off his face. “Guess you’re just lucky like that, hm?”

Laughter tickled his throat. No matter what, his mom always had the ability to make him smile. She was more than just his mom; she was one of his best friends. “I love you, Ma.” 

“I love you too, Alex. Now let’s go eat some dinner and get you in bed.”

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

By the time him and Kevin arrived at home, Brian was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Why did he think that coming back home all alone was a good idea? It wasn’t, not at all and there had been moments when he had been about to ask the driver to turn the cab around and drove him back to Alex. The ride to the airport had been quiet, small talk with Kevin and just lingering to the idea to be back in his home, ready and needing to just lay inside his mom’s arms and forget why he was running away. No, he wasn’t running. And he wasn’t even hiding. He was just putting reality on hold while gathering all the strength needed to fight Zach. 

But, when they arrived at the airport, suddenly everything seemed louder and more scaring: crowds of people gathering in the waiting room, people walking to get to their gate without noticing if they touched someone else. Just that thought was enough to bring his panic in overdrive. Was he supposed to get through that? Hell no! But then... then he thought about the whole purpose of this trip, how he was supposed to do things on his own without hiding behind Alex’s shadow. Coming home was supposed to be something natural and without a problem... yet, there he was probably looking like the scared kid he had been almost ten years before when he first landed in Orlando. 

He stood closely to Kevin, flinching every time someone would walk too much close to him and his eyes never stopped wondering in every directions, scanning the area for every signs of danger. He was being paranoid and he knew it but knowing and doing something were two different things. Because the fear of danger came up every single little time he was a blonde man or someone who looked like Zach. And it seemed like all the blond men were inside that airport! 

By the time he was on the plane, safely seated between Kevin and Drew, he was mentally exhausted but still couldn’t find peace. He tried to sleep but every little movement or sounds of steps jerked him awake so, half way through the flight, he just gave up and let Kevin have the funny job to try to keep him distracted. Kevin talked about how happy he was, despite the circumstances, to be able to see Kristin and how he was thinking about proposing to her when Christmas would come. 

That brought a little smile on his face, it was about time for them to tie the knot and there was no one more perfect for Kevin than Kristin. And he couldn’t help to feel a little pang of jealousy and envy towards him: he could start thinking about his future, a future about family and no once he had to question himself if he would be able to let the one he cared the most inside him, inside his heart. He didn’t have to worry if it was right or fair to be happy about something even if that reality had been tainted with blood. But his greatest fear was centered around Alex and if he was going to really wait for him for so how long. 

_He loves you, he’s not going to leave you._ His heart objected.  _In fact, he wanted to come with you._  

No, coming alone was the right thing. And Alex was going to be better having so time for himself, trying to heal and to deal with his problems. That was something that people in love did for the ones they loved, right? 

_Love_. He was scared, something that he had never been. He had been raised with love, he had grown loving and now... now he was terrified. 

“You... you okay, Bri?” Kevin asked. He had tried to give him peace but Brian seemed so lost and it pained him to think that there was nothing he could do to help him. They were now in the cab heading towards the Littrell’s house and still Brian looked like he was going towards a torture room. 

“Just... thinking.”  _Thinking_ , what an understatement! 

“Something I can help?” 

At first, Brian simply shook his head. How Kevin could understand? But then, the words slipped from his tongue. “I... do you think I did the right thing?” That question implied so many others: did he do the right thing letting Alex close to him? Did he do the right thing allowing himself to hope? Did he do the right thing thinking that he could get over something like that all by himself? 

“Coming home? – Brian nodded. – Yes. Bri, You might not see it but you need those days. Even after the rape, the first thing you did was to think about Nick. You’ve always put other before your own well-being and this isn’t going to last. You aren’t going to last if you keep pushing aside your feelings because they might hurt someone.” 

“Thanks for the trust.” Brian joked. 

“You’re welcome. – Kevin joked back. Then, he turned serious, knowing what was bothering his cousin. Or, better said,  _who_ was swirling around his mind. – Don’t stress yourself over Aj. The kid is stubborn, sometimes more than you, but he loves you. You can count on that. He’s probably debating with himself if it’s right to call you or if it’s too soon. He won’t leave you or realize that you have too much baggage to handle.” 

Brian turned his head towards the window and watched the landscape became more and more familiar. They were getting closer to home but, instead than wondering how he was going to be welcomed, his mind travelled toward its sun. He wondered if Alex was already at home, letting Denise take care of him like he hadn’t be able too. He wondered if there was security around him, if he was being guarded because he didn’t trust Zach. And, at least, he wondered if Alex was missing him like he did. 

Kevin let him in his own mind until they got home. Lights were still on and Brian could almost picture his mom sitting on the porch, a cup of coffee in her hands while she was waiting for him. She did it every time, a routine started way back in his high school days when she would wait for him every night he went out with his friend: they would just stayed sitting on the porch and talked a little, listening to the comfortable sounds of the nature around them. He missed this, he missed the quietness and the calmness around him, it had always helped him to ease whatever storm was raging inside him. 

As he thought, his mom was there, sitting on the old swing seat that she refused to change. She put down the cup of coffee inside her hands and then next thing Brian knew was that he was involved in the tight hug he’d missed so much. Inside those arms, he was able to forget the reasons why he was back home, why the tour had been postponed and why he was feeling so exhausted that he could barely stand up. Inside those arms, he was able to shut down his brain and just not feel anymore. Because he was  _safe._  

He didn’t remember being moved until he was in his old room. He didn’t remember being stripped down of his shoes and being tucked inside warm blankets. The only thing his brain registered was that the bed was too big for him and there wasn’t someone holding his hand? 

He fell asleep while Jackie was leaving a glass of water on his bedside table, a small kiss on the temple lingering even in dreams, offering to the battled soul another ray of hope.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Lying in bed, AJ stared up at the ceiling. So many things had happened lately. It was hard to believe that it had only been three days since the party. Since he had bared his soul to management and Brian had stood up for him. Since everyone had found out about what had happened to Brian. 

Only a day since they’d found out about all the other murders. 

He shivered, pulling the blankets closer around himself. It took quite a bit of concentration to stop himself from scratching at his skin again. The itchiness wasn’t as bad as it had been before but it was still there. Still enough to drive him crazy if he focused on it. 

What was he going to do? After eating dinner with his Ma, she’d shuffled him off to bed, telling him to try and get some sleep. Ha. As if that was going to happen. The instant he’d laid down in his bed his brain had started going a million miles an hour. There were too many thoughts crowded together, each one clamoring for attention, keeping him from sleeping.

How was Brian doing right then? Was he ok, settling in his with his family? Had Zach followed him out there? That thought was terrifying. AJ hated being so far away from Brian. What if something did happen? What if Zach did show up? Here he was, miles and miles and miles away, unable to protect the one that he loved if something bad should happen. 

This was what Brian wanted. This was what he needed. Time with his family, away from everyone else. Away from all the stress and the worries and the fears. With his family he had a chance of finding peace inside of himself. Could AJ really begrudge him that? Knowing the logic behind it didn’t ease the ache in AJ’s heart, though. 

He found himself rolling over in bed, trying to find a comfortable position, trying to find that warmth that was usually there. It had become so normal to fall asleep with Brian there with him. To listening to Brian’s steady breathing, or listening for the little sounds that showed he was having a nightmare. It was normal for him to feel Brian’s hand in his as he drifted off. Without that, AJ felt alone. The bed seemed so big and empty without his love in there with him. 

They had come to mean so much to one another. In that instant AJ could see that it wasn’t just Brian who had come to depend on him. He had come to depend on Brian too. A casual touch, a warm presence. The little smile that Brian gave him when he woke, seeing AJ still there by his side. 

He wished that Brian was there to hold his hand. Then, he could offer comfort to him and take comfort in return. 

God, it was so tempting to get up out of bed, go downstairs, and raid the liquor cabinet he knew his mother had. A few drinks would help him settle down enough to sleep. Just a few. That wouldn’t hurt him too much, would it? No one would blame him. Not after all the hell they’d been in lately. They’d understand. Brian would understand. 

That last thought was enough to snap AJ out of it. He snorted. The hell Brian would understand. He understood the other times, those weren’t AJ”s fault. But if he walked down those stairs right now and took a drink, that would be his doing and that, Brian wouldn’t be so forgiving on. 

A sudden buzzing broke through AJ’s thoughts, pulling him back to reality. He looked over at the nightstand and saw the light on his cell phone as it vibrated, letting him know there was an incoming call. Who on earth would be calling him at this time of night? A glance at the clock showed him it was 2am. 

Scooping the phone up, he opened it without looking and answered “Hello?” 

“Hey.” 

That one word had everything inside of AJ warming over. “Hey to you too.” He answered, smiling. “Isn’t it a little late where you are, Bri? What’re you doing up?”

Brian’s voice shook a little, holding a note to it that AJ had become very familiar with. It told him what was going on even before Brian finished answering. “Oh, you know me. Just…a nightmare, that’s all.” He paused, then said “I reached for you but you weren’t there. It took me a minute to remember why. But you…you said I could call if I needed.” 

“Of course you can. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, you can always call me, honey.” 

“How, uh, how’s your mom doing?” 

Now that he was talking to Brian, all of AJ’s earlier problems seemed to fade a little. He snuggled down into the blankets and let his eyes drift shut, Brian’s voice washing over him. “She’s doing pretty well. Ornery as ever. Had a bomb meatloaf dinner waiting for me when I got here.” 

That made Brian chuckle slightly, albeit weakly. “Some things never change. Mom was waiting on the porch for me to get here, just like she always does.” 

“God bless Ma’s, eh? No matter how old a man gets, it’s always good to come home and just be a little boy again. Before I leave here I’m sure I’ll hear a million lectures about my weight, my hair, my tattoos, my clothes. She’s already mentioned getting me a haircut tomorrow. An my bag was already stolen and taken to the laundry room so she can wash it all.” 

This time Brian’s laugh was a little more honest. “You need a haircut. You’re getting awfully shaggy.” He teased. 

AJ grinned. “Hey now, none of this picking on me shit.  If Ma has her way, I’ll come back looking like I’m fourteen with my short hair and no facial hair. Can you believe she wants me to shave off my goatee? I mean, seriously now.” 

“Heaven forbid, not the goatee!” Brian chuckled. “Actually, tell her to leave that one alone. I like it. It suits your face.” 

Warmth spread through AJ. He actually felt a small blush warm his cheeks at Brian’s compliment. “Thanks.” 

The two were silent for a few minutes, not really needing to say anything. Just lying there listening to the other breathe was good enough. It made them both feel less like they were alone. After a few minutes of quiet, though, Brian whispered something so soft that AJ almost didn’t hear him. “I miss you.” 

Love had AJ’s heart swelling. “I miss you too.” He answered back just as softly. 

“I know this is what I need, this time alone with my family, but this bed is awfully lonely.” The admission seemed difficult for Brian to say. “”I got used to reaching out and holding your hand. Or listening to you breathe.” 

“I know what you mean. My bed feels too big. There’s too much empty space. Before you called, I was laying here thinking about that. I can’t seem to get comfortable or warm.” 

“Do you think…would you mind staying on here with me until I fall asleep?” 

AJ closed his eyes and smiled, so full of love he thought he’d burst. “Of course I will.” His voice was hoarse with emotion. “Do you want me to talk or sing or just lie here with you?” 

“Just…just lay here.” 

The two men fell silent, listening to the other one breathing. It was a peaceful sound. Snuggled into his blankets, Brian’s breathing in his ear, AJ felt himself start to drift. He heard as Brian’s breathing evened out, heard as it slipped into the measured pattern of sleep. Moments after that, AJ’s body gave up its fight and he too was asleep.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

Autumn had always been one of his favorite seasons, along with the Christmas time. The temperature was mild, not too cold and neither too warm, but it was the mix of colors that captured his soul: shades of red and orange blending in together while the bright green of leaves and trees was slowly dying. Everything seemed like it came out from a painting and the quietness surrounded the nature was the best medicine for his tainted soul. 

Brian let his thoughts run free and wild, jumping from issue to issue without logic beneath them. The talk with his mom had been useful and left him with a lot of things to consider. He had struggled, since the beginning, to find a reason beneath what happened. When he couldn’t find it, he had felt lost, wondering every step he had made that forced that guy to do something that horrible. Now... now he was allowing himself to believe that he didn’t do anything wrong, holding to the fact that sometimes people were just evil without a reason for their behavior. 

That admission freed him, lifting a weight upon his shoulders. Yes, he was still wondering why had been chosen but it wasn’t so dooming like it had been before. Coming to terms with was the first step into healing and that was his goal. Now, he had something to look forward, something to reach before it could slip away. And it was his love for Alex. 

Breaking up with Nick had been a right thing, maybe the best thing he had done since the rape. Their relationship couldn’t survive something like that and, most of the times, he had to tell himself that the blonde guy looking at him was Nick and not his rapist. How could they build something if his loved one kept reminding him of what happened? No, before he could hate Nick for something he didn’t do, he had to let him free. And that he had done. 

His mind turned to practical matters, a way to break through the vicious circle of fears and bad thoughts. Or bad memories. He knew it was inevitable, for there were so many things that could trigger the memories or making him feel like he was being held by Zach. But that didn’t mean that he had to live his life being scared or refusing to live because of that. Not at all. 

First, he had to get back on his feet. That meant sleeping and eating more, simply taking care of himself. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy but he wasn’t left all alone, his family would help him and he was so grateful for that. 

But, while he knew that he could deal with the physical stuff, the emotional and mental stuff was much more difficult to deal all alone. No matter how many times he told himself that he wasn’t dirty, that touching didn’t mean he was tainting someone else or that he was going to be hurt. Then, there was the whole trust issue: he had been so easy in trusting people, always offering a smile and being friendly with them. Now, the mere thought of being surrounded by dozens and dozens of unknown people was terrifying. He couldn’t stand feeling like this so the only resort left was to seek help with a therapist. Maybe he could ask Alex if he knew someone from his days in rehab. 

Alex. He was going to get better mostly for him. 

Finally feeling at peace, Brian returned home. He wanted to call Alex, just to hear his voice and maybe asking him to come earlier than planned. When he stepped inside the house, he found that there was too much silence for being almost dinner time. There were no lights either. 

“Mom?” 

He got no response so he walked over the kitchen, sure to find her there cooking but the room was empty. A note on the table informed that she went to gather the last things she needed for dinner and Drew had gone with her. Relief swept through him: it made him feel better that someone was with her. Who knew if Zach had followed him? 

So, he returned in the living room and there he started to smell a strange perfume. He looked around, trying to find the source of that smell but something, outside the window, caught his attention. Blonde hair, ice eyes that locked with his and a evil grin. 

_God no. No, no, no!_ There was no doubt who he was, he couldn’t be Nick since he was back at his home in Tampa. Or with Howie? He didn’t remember but he knew he wasn’t there in Kentucky. He looked back at the window but no one was there. Had he been hallucinating? It didn’t matter; he wouldn’t take any other chance to let Zach hurt him. 

This time, panic didn’t block him or overwhelmed him that much that he couldn’t breathe. No, this time panic pushed him into action: running, he went to the front door and locked it; then he moved to the back door and did the same, the beat of his heart ranging so loudly inside his ears. When he was sure that every door had been locked, he jumped on his feet and went upstairs. He would lock himself in his room and he would call Kevin. No, first he would call Alex. He needed to hear Alex, to be reassured that he wasn’t being crazy for having locked everyone out. 

He didn’t realize that something was wrong inside his room. He just slammed the door closed and then leaned over it, trying to calm himself.  _Breathe in, breathe out. Just like Alex had taught him_. As he was taking a decent amount of air, the same smell he smelled downstairs hit him more forceful. It felt like he had stepped in the middle of a field of roses. 

So he turned around. Black and red swam around him, circles and circles that were coming closer and closer and wee suffocating him with their smell. Roses were everywhere: on his bed, on the bedside table and on the drawers. In every corner, bouquets of red and black were staring back at him, the red so deep that it seemed like painted with blood. 

Fear filled him in every vein, turning the blood in ice that was slowly numbing his feelings. The screams ripped their way from a hole placed around his heart. They ran freely, no control placed on them because there wasn’t any left inside him. 

Brian kept screaming, hoping that it was all a nightmare, another one, but knowing, deep inside, that he was already awake.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

Laughter bubbled up in AJ’s throat. He couldn’t help it. Sitting back on the couch, he tipped his head back and let out the laughter inside of him. Across from him, curled up in the loveseat with her cup of coffee, Denise grinned. 

When AJ finally got his laughter under control, down to the occasional hiccup, he wiped at his eyes and gave his mother a grin identical to hers. “Geeze, Ma! No wonder the man didn’t call you back!” he taunted her. 

“Why on earth would I want him to call me back?” Denise fired back. “Seriously, he put new meaning to the word ‘minute man’! We didn’t even make it out of the car!” 

AJ started to laugh again. His mother was telling him about her most recent date with a man she’d liked that she’d met at the grocery store. Unlike most mother-son relationships, AJ and his mom had never been shy discussing anything in their life, sex included. So, others might have been embarrassed if their mother told them that she’d been participating in some hot and heavy petting inside of a car, or how the man had finished while they still had their clothes on, but for AJ it was just the normal way his Ma talked. 

“You’re such a little hussy, Ma.” He teased her when he could talk again. “Getting a man all bothered in the car, not even taking him inside. Then, just cause he got a little over excited and finished a little early, you send him packing. You tease you.”

“If petting in the car finishes him, he’d never have survived coming in with me anyways.” 

This time as AJ laughed, he heard his cell phone ringing in his pocket. He and Denise were both still laughing as he answered. “Hello?” 

“AJ, it’s Kevin.” 

AJ’s humor died a quick death. Everything inside of him locked down tight and his senses went on high alert. “What happened?” he rasped. He knew that Kevin wouldn’t be calling him unless something was wrong. Terribly, horribly wrong. AJ barely noticed that Denise had moved over, one hand resting on his knee for support. 

“First, Brian’s ok. He’s not hurt.” Kevin rushed to get that out, knowing that AJ needed to hear it so he could process the rest. It loosened a knot in AJ’s chest so that he could breathe a little easier. The next part seemed to cut him back down. “Zach was here. He put flowers in Brian’s room. Roses. Brian was walking and he came home…” Quickly, Kevin summed up what had happened. 

With each word, AJ felt his terror and his anger grow. Zach had been there, at the Littrell’s house! He’d followed Brian all the way home! God, they were lucky that Brian had been smart enough to run around and lock the doors. He’d been able to stay level headed enough. “Sweet God.” He murmured when Kevin was done. “How’s Brian doing? Where is he?” 

“He’s in the living room with Uncle Harold and Aunt Jackie. He…he’s not talking. At all. Once he told us what happened, he just…stopped. Went totally silent. He’s scaring me a little, J. I don’t know what to do for him. He doesn’t want any of us near him.” 

“Don’t touch him.” AJ warned quickly. “Make sure he has enough space to breathe. Take the phone to him.” 

“He’s not moving, not all the way there. I don’t think he’ll talk on the phone.” 

AJ shifted impatiently. He didn’t pay attention as his Ma got up and left him on the couch. “I don’t need him to move. Take the phone in where he is and keep back at least a foot from him. He won’t you close. You wouldn’t get close enough to tell him that it’s me without him flipping. Just walk in there for me, please.” 

There was the sound of shuffling. As Kevin moved toward where Brian was, AJ got up and hurried up the stairs. He cradled the cell phone between his shoulder and his ear. While he dealt with this, he was going to start throwing his things together. The hell if he was staying away now. Not when Brian needed him. 

“Ok, Age, I’m here.” 

“Good. Now hold the phone out toward him and put me on speakerphone.”

A second later, as AJ threw a few of his shirts into his bag, he heard the sound on the phone change. Then Kevin was saying “Ok, you’re on. We’re all in here, though, Age.” 

Who cared who else was in there? AJ stopped for a moment, closing his eyes. “Brian? Brian, honey, it’s me. It’s Alex.” He spoke loudly, hoping his voice would break through Brian’s panic. “Brian, I want you to listen to me and you listen good, ok? I want you to stay at your parents’ house and I want you to wait for me. I’m getting my stuff together right now and I’m going to be on the first flight out. I’ll be there as quick as I can, ok?” 

It was quiet in the background for a moment. Then, barely audible, AJ heard Brian’s sweet voice. “Hurry.” 

Love filled AJ’s heart, overflowing into his voice. “God, honey, I will. I’ll go as fast as I can. Just hold on till I get there.” 

Denise came in then, handing AJ a paper. “If we leave now you’ll make your flight. I booked you a non-stop flight out there. It leaves in forty minutes.” 

“You hear that, honey?” AJ asked, slinging his bag over his shoulder and grabbing his suitcase. He followed his Ma downstairs so that she could grab her keys and then they were heading toward the car. It had taken no time at all for him to get his stuff together. “We’re on our way to the airport right now. I’ll be there as soon as I can, I promise you. I’ll see you soon.” 

As he hopped in his Ma’s car, AJ prayed to God he’d get there fast enough. That, when he got there, he’d be able to think of something to do to help his love feel better.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little over an hour had gone by since Kevin had called AJ and told him what was going on. There was still hours before AJ would arrive. Watching his cousin, Kevin prayed that Brian would be able to hold himself together until them. Brian sat on the couch, arms wrapped around his waist, rocking slightly. His eyes seemed distant and glazed, as if he wasn’t quite all the way there anymore. 

Brian didn’t feel like he was all the way there. His brain didn’t seem able to focus on anything. All he could do was sit there and count down the seconds until Alex would arrive. 

A buzzing sound echoed through the room, startling them all. It took a second to realize that it was the doorbell. Kevin was the one to answer the door. His deep voice rumbled down the hallway, drawing Brian’s attention. Unable to resist, Brian looked over, watching as Kevin walked back into the room. 

Everything inside of Brian froze. Kevin carried a vase of sunflowers in his hands. In the back of Brian’s mind he found himself thinking how pretty and happy the flowers looked. But the rest of him felt as if it was coiled tight with terror. 

Concern brightened Kevin’s eyes. He looked over to Harold and Jackie, who sat on the couch, holding one another’s hands. Then his gaze moved over toward Brian. He seemed to hesitate before he shook his head. “Let me take these in the kitchen.” 

“No.” Brian’s voice was a croak. It was the first sound he’d asked AJ to hurry. He looked at Kevin and tried to will himself to move. Even though he wanted to run, he wanted to tell Kevin to get those flowers out of there, he could see a card nestled in there and he couldn’t resist seeing what it said. It was like something drew him to those flowers. Though his movements were jerky, he still managed to climb to his feet and walk over to Kevin. His hands shook as he took the vase from Kevin’s hands. Turning, he set it on the table. 

Everyone was silent, watching Brian pull the card from the middle of the sunflowers. There had to be at least a dozen flowers in the vase. 

Brian almost couldn’t open up the card. He knew what it was going to say on the inside. Another message from Zach. Another reminder of terror. God, God! He couldn’t handle this! 

Yet he couldn’t stop himself from pulling the little card from the envelope and opening it. For a moment he just stood there, staring at the words on the card. Then he did the only thing that came to mind. He laughed. 

He laughed so hard he dropped back onto the couch, the card falling from his hand. Tension dissolved in one single instant. For the first time since the incident had happened, Kevin heard his cousin really and truly laugh, straight from his stomach. It made him smile. 

Jackie leaned forward and plucked the card from the ground. Her eyes were bright with curiosity. The corner of her mouth quirked as she silently read the card. Then she too let out a laugh. Looking at her husband and her nephew, she read the card to them. 

“ _If someone’s going to stalk you, the least they can do is pick the right flowers._  

_These sunflowers and their wide happy faces always make me think of you. :) Guess that means I’m a better stalker than he is._  

_I promise not to take too many candid pictures through your window._  

_Much._  

_Well, just give an extra shake for me next time you’re near a window. I’ve got a good, strong lens._  

_I’ll be there in just a few hours, Bri, so I hope these hold you until I get there. Look for me in the tree outside your bedroom. I’ll be the one with the camera and the wide lens._

 

_Love,_  

_Alex”_

 

The four of them laughed together, the tension in the room nicely dispelled. Kevin couldn’t help but shake his head. Leave it to AJ to think of something like that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable20.html


	21. Twentieth Chapter

Twentieth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time AJ’s plane landed he thought he was going to split apart with the nerves jangling inside of him. Everything was taking far too long. He needed to be with Brian, immediately. He needed to see him, to hold him, to know that he was ok. Impatience had him practically bouncing on his heels as he exited the plane. Thank God he’d only brought a carry-on bag. If he’d had to wait in baggage claim he might have exploded. 

Only as he was walking through the terminal did he realize that he hadn’t set up transportation from the airport to the Littrell house. So it was a surprise when he looked over and suddenly saw Kevin’s tall frame waiting out on the sidewalk. 

Once he caught sight of him, AJ made a beeline to his friend. The two men embraced briefly before Kevin led him over toward a car. 

“How is he?” AJ asked, needing to make sure Brian was ok. He damn well better be ok! If this set Brian back in his recovery, well, AJ was going to go out and find Zach and murder him with his bare hands! That son of a bitch deserved nothing less. 

Kevin shrugged. They reached the car at that moment, so his answer was forestalled until they were seated inside and pulling out of the parking lot. “He’s better than he was. Not so locked away.” Kevin finally said. “Those flowers you sent helped.” This time, he shot a look and a small grin at AJ. “You are one in a million, man. Only you would jokingly send flowers and a card like that to a man whose stalker had just filled their room with flowers.” 

“What can I say? I’m unique.” 

“Yeah, well, I did the trick. He laughed like I haven’t heard him laugh since before all this started.” 

Satisfaction lit up AJ. Good, he’d achieved his goal then. He’d wanted to break up some of the tension in that house as well as try and ease Brian’s tension. His lips curved as he pictured Brian giving that full bodied laugh that he had once been so famous for. God, it was too bad he hadn’t been there for it. He missed that sound. Whenever Brian laughed, those around him couldn’t help but smile or laugh with him, the sound was just so joyous. 

Absently he itched at his hand as he stared out the window. The entire plane ride he’d been fighting the urge to drink, or to do anything else. His body was in a withdrawal anyways, but adding on the stress of the current situation only made it worse. Now his mind was craving as well as his body. 

“What did the cops have to say about it all? They find anything they can use?” He asked in an effort to distract himself. 

A funny look crossed Kevin’s face. Seeing it had AJ turning in his seat to better look at Kevin. “What is it?” he demanded. 

Kevin sighed softly. “No one’s been back in Brian’s room since he went in.” 

 “No one’s been back there?” AJ asked in surprise. 

The look that Kevin gave him as they stopped at a stoplight was deep and searching. “Brian panicked at the idea of calling the cops. He wants Micheal. So, I called him and he’s on his way. He’ll work this in an informal capacity for now, since this is out of his jurisdiction. But Brian didn’t want anyone here to go in there without you or Michael. He was very insistent none of us even go in there until you got here.” 

AJ’s eyebrows winged up. “Who gives a damn if he panicked? The cops need to come in on this shit.” 

“It was easier to keep him calm this way, Age.” 

“Well, the hell with that.” He was all for keeping Brian calm and helping make things easier for him, but there was a limit to that. Sometimes people were way too indulgent, to the point that it was more detrimental to Brian’s health than beneficial. How was he ever going to be able to move beyond something if everyone always just gave way to him? Privately, AJ admitted that he could be one of the most indulgent, but he also tried to help Brian stand up on his own two feet. 

The rest of the car ride was silent, both of them thinking their own thoughts, yet the subject was the same. What were they going to do? 

When the car pulled into the drive of the Littrell house, every other thought was wiped from AJ’s brain. He got out of the car, grabbed his bag, and made a beeline for the front door. It didn’t occur to him to bother knocking. They were expecting him. He just opened the front door, leaving it wide for Kevin to come in behind him, and strode right into the house. His eyes were all for the figure sitting hunched over on the loveseat. 

The sound of the door opening didn’t even break through Brian’s trance.  Neither did the sound of it closing. But someone said something, he didn’t know what it was, couldn’t hear them at all. It seemed to get Brian’s attention, though. He lifted his head, blank eyes not even focusing on the room. Like a magnet, those eyes seemed to be drawn to where AJ stood, bag still slung over his shoulder. 

When they found him, AJ saw the blue clear a little, like a fog was lifting off the ocean. Suddenly they were focusing on him, actually seeing him. AJ saw the instant that Brian realized who he was looking at. 

They were all shocked when Brian gasped, AJ’s name a tremble on his lips, and he rose shakily to his feet. The two men had no eyes for anyone but each other. AJ acted off instinct. He dropped his bag to the ground and close the distance between them in a few, short steps. Brian’s arms dropped from around his own body, swinging out to embrace AJ right as they met. 

Like a calm in the center of a hurricane, they clung to one another. Brian whispered “Alex” over and over, as if he couldn’t quite believe he was there. Part of AJ marveled at the fact that Brian wasn’t only touching him, he was clinging tightly to him as if he was afraid to ever let him go. Then all surprise washed away and he only thought of holding him just as tightly. 

Tears built in Brian’s eyes, tears he hadn’t been able to cry yet. AJ rubbed his back and pressed their cheeks together. “Shh, shh, I’m here now.” He whispered to him. “It’s going to be ok, I’m here.” 

“He was in my house, Alex!” Brian whispered brokenly. Tremors ran through his whole body. “In my room!” 

“I know, honey. I know. I won’t let him touch you again. Just shh now, I’m here and I’ve got you. You’re safe.” 

“Don’t leave.” Those were the two sweetest words AJ had ever heard. “Don’t leave me.” 

“Who said I was going anywhere, hm?” Pulling back, AJ smiled, all the love in his heart written plainly on his face. He didn’t even notice how the others watched him, marveling at them both. How Jackie reached out and took Harold’s hand, her lips trembling with a smile to see how much AJ loved her son. He didn’t see how Kevin smiled at them, thinking to himself how much the two had come to depend on one another and how strong AJ had become. A personal pillar of strength for Brian. 

Raising his hand up, AJ stroked it down Brian’s cheek, needing to touch him, to make sure he was ok. “I don’t plan on going anywhere, Brian. I’m here and we’re going to take care of this, you hear me?” He made his face slightly sterner. “First and foremost, we’re calling the police. You’re a little fool, not letting anyone call them before this.” 

It surprised everyone even more when Brian nodded and buried his face against AJ’s shoulder. Keeping one arm around him, AJ turned them so that they could walk. “Come on, let’s get you something to drink, maybe something to eat. Have you even eaten anything since this happened?” 

“I wasn’t hungry.” Brian whispered. He kept his head tipped onto AJ’s shoulder, an arm around his waist as they headed to the kitchen, the others trailing behind them. 

AJ scoffed. “Go figure. You eat barely enough to keep a bird alive, Bri, I swear. I’m supposed to be the skinny one, remember?” 

A reluctant smile tugged at the corners of Brian’s lips. “I think I’m giving you a run for your money lately.” He admitted. 

“Well, we’ll just have to fatten you back up, then, or else none of your clothes will fit. You’d be stuck wearing my skinny stuff.” 

“We can’t have that.” Brian teased him. The teasing made AJ smile. “I’d shock everyone if I dressed like you, Alex. Imagine me in leather and animal print. The thought’s almost shudder worthy.” 

“Hmm.” AJ paused in the kitchen, turning to look at Brian with a twinkle in his eye. He shook his head. “Now you’re just trying to distract me from feeding you by giving me naughty images. Best watch it, boy.” 

Brian laughed softly. With a smirk, AJ let go of him and pointed to a spot on the floor. “Stay right there. I’m feeding you whether you like it or not.” He commanded. The laughter in his voice took the edge off the command. His heart did a little flip flop when Brian gave him a hesitant smile. 

Pushing up his sleeves, AJ turned on the water faucet and got ready to wash his hands before finding Brian some food. He didn’t even think about it as he squirted soap on his hand and started to scrub. 

 “Alex…” Brian’s voice trembled a little as it came out. He was staring down at AJ’s arms. Curious, AJ paused as he rinsed the soap off his hands. “What, honey?” he asked. 

“Your arms.” 

Flabbergasted, AJ looked down at his arms. Then he saw what Brian was talking about. Long scratches marred his skin, some of them looking a little red around the edges. Oh. That. “It’s nothing, Bri. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Don’t worry about it?” Life was coming back into Brian’s voice again, chasing away the shock that had come back at seeing AJ’s scratches. “You’ve scratched your arms up! Look at those, they’re already all red. What if you’ve got an infection setting in there? Have you even cleaned them up?” 

He had, but looking at Brian’s face, AJ saw the opportunity for something. He shut off the water and moved to dry his hands, putting a sheepish expression on his face. “I haven’t thought about it.” He said, adding embarrassment to his tone. Just like he’d thought, life lit Brian’s eyes. Suddenly his love was moving, shaking his head. “You little fool.” He scolded, taking hold of AJ’s arm. “Sit down here at the table and let me go get the first aid kit.” 

AJ dropped down into the chair, bowing his head down. “I’m fine, Bri. They don’t hurt that much.” 

“Be quiet and just wait for me.” 

When Brian left the room, AJ indulged in a small grin. He didn’t realize that anyone else was paying attention until he heard Jackie chuckle. His gaze shot up. It took everything he had not to wince when he saw Brian’s parents. He’d forgotten that they were in the room. “Uh, hey there.” He said. This time his embarrassment was real. 

Jackie shook her head at him. “You know our boy well, don’t you?” She said fondly. 

“I, ah. Hm.” It seemed safer not to say anything. 

A surprised look crossed Kevin’s face as he looked between Jackie and AJ. “Wait a second.” He said slowly. “Your Mom wouldn’t let you leave those alone. You’ve cleaned them already, haven’t you?” 

Defensive, AJ looked up. “So?” 

“You lied to him.” 

Laughing softly, Jackie waved a hand at her nephew. “He did, but it was a good lie.” She said cheerfully. “He gave Brian something to latch on to. Something to focus on that’s not himself. Brian has always done better in times of stress if he has others to care for.” Her smile turned toward AJ. “I’d say that Alexander knows that. “ 

Sheepishly, AJ looked down at his hands, saying nothing as Brian came back into the room. He kept quiet as Brian doctored his arms, scolding him all the while. It was enough just to hear Brian sound like he once had. While he did that, Jackie set about making some sandwiches. 

But when Brian was done, AJ knew what he needed to do. He had to do what he told Brian he would. He’d go upstairs, in that room, and take a look. He wanted to look before anyone else arrived. Maybe he’d notice something they didn’t. Maybe. While he took care of that, Jackie would see that her son ate something. 

He rose to his feet, the whole room suddenly gone quiet. Just as he started to move past the table, he hesitated, turning and laying a hand on Brian’s shoulder. The older man looked up at him, their eyes locking together. Not a word was spoken, but each one found themselves relaxing slightly. AJ gave him a brief smile before he turned and headed upstairs.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nausea rolled in AJ’s stomach. He looked around Brian’s room and had to hold in the urge to run and hit something. Or to run and find Zach and hit him. Over and over and over again. This was one sick, twisted son of a bitch. Roses were everywhere, artfully arranged. Some were in vases, some were spread out. The black and red seemed to blend together, creating the illusion of blood and death. 

Sweet Jesus above. It was no wonder Brian had panicked. The fact that Brian was still coherent at all was amazing. Until he’d arrived, until he’d walked down to the room, it had all seemed like a dream for AJ. Just a vague threat. But now he was here and it was all right in front of his face. There was no denying it anymore. It was all too real. 

He had to take a few deep breaths to regain his control. Part of him wanted to run out of the room and never look back. To pretend that this hadn’t happened. That there wasn’t some homicidal maniac stalker after the person he loved. But he couldn’t do that. There was no denying it. Running away wouldn’t make it go away. This needed to be dealt with head on and, right then, Brian was not in the best frame of mind to handle it. That meant that AJ had to. 

That thought had him squaring his shoulders. Brian needed him to be strong right now. So, that’s what he was going to do. He’d be strong. He’d look at this and deal with it. The cops were going to be there any minute and he’d deal with them too. He’d act as the buffer between them and Brian. 

The fear that had coiled in him was steadily transforming toward rage. Better to be pissed off than afraid. Anger, he could deal with. Anger was a good, strong sensation. 

He tried to make sure he disturbed nothing as he looked around the room. There was no saying that he couldn’t take a look for himself, see if any little clues were left behind before the police arrived. It wasn’t like he planned on touching anything or disturbing the ‘crime scene’. 

With a clearer head, little details were suddenly popping out at him. There was a picture of Brian and Kevin that had always sat on the dresser before. One where the two of them were goofing off, Brian having jumped up on Kevin’s back. The glass had been shattered and the frame broken. Underneath, AJ saw that an image had been glued over top of Kevin’s face. It only took one look to recognize the face. 

The nausea came back. Holy shit. Zach had glued his face over top of Kevin’s. Shit. 

Another picture, this one a group shot, had been ripped from its frame. This time Zach hadn’t pasted his image in. He’d simply torn out the part that had Brian. Where that was, AJ couldn’t see. It sickened him to realize that Zach had probably taken it with him. This man was insane. 

AJ almost passed by Brian’s desk, but something drew his gaze to the paper lying there. It looked like a letter that had been folded up at one point. But it was laying open right there in the center of the desk, a vase of roses on either side. One black, one red. 

Unable to resist, AJ stepped over, looking down at the letter. He stuffed his hands in his pockets to resist the temptation to pick it up. Instead, he settled for bending down and reading it. 

_My darling Brian,_  

_I hope you like the gift I left for you. I wanted you to know that I’m still around and that I still think about you every single day. I can’t wait for the moment that we can be together again. You remember how beautiful it was, don’t you? The connection that was between us when we met? It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before._  

_You’re such a beautiful man. I love to watch you. Always so beautiful, so happy. I knew from the moment I saw you that we were meant to be together. You felt it too, didn’t you? I know you did._  

_There’ve been others in my life, but none of them could compare to you. None of them could ever hope to be even half the man that you are. Your beautiful eyes, your sweet smile. Your soul and my soul, twined together. That’s how it’s meant to be._  

_I left you these flowers so you’ll know that I’m thinking of you. That I love you and I can’t wait until we can be together again._  

_The last time I saw you, I think I scared you a little and I’m sorry for that. I was just so angry. What were you doing, hanging on those two? That one that looks like me and that other little freak? I thought you would’ve learned your lesson by now. That one, that AJ, he’s only going to hurt you, can’t you see that? Didn’t you see what he did that night at the party? How can you trust someone like that? But, then again, that’s part of who you are. You’re so trusting. I hate to shatter that trust, but someone has to do it. Someone has to show you the truth. So, I left you some photos. Let them show you the truth about this one you misguidedly call your friend._  

_Until we meet again, know that I’m thinking of you every moment of every day and I will love you always. Soon, when all obstacles are out of our way, we’ll be together, the way it was meant to be._

  _Yours, forever and always in love,_  

_Zach_

 

There was an envelope next to the paper, with the words “For You” written on the front. AJ stared at it, stomach churning. One hand slid from his pocket, slowly reaching out, inexorably getting closer. A deep voice stopped him, freezing him in his tracks. 

“Don’t touch it.” 

Without turning around, AJ registered the voice, knew it to be Brian and Nick’s cop friend, Micheal. He didn’t turn to look at him, though. His eyes were glued to that little envelope. “I need to see what’s in the envelope, Detective Loreil.” 

“Well, now, we can see about that. But we need to keep your fingerprints off of there.” The man said calmly. AJ felt as Micheal walked up beside him. There was a rustling sound, followed by the snap of rubber as the detective pulled on his gloves. He surprised AJ by handing him a pair as well. When AJ looked up at him, the Detective’s eyes seemed to sparkle a little. “I doubt I’ll be able to keep you from touching it for too long. Might as well be safe.” He said equably. “Those boys have told me stories about you and your stubborn streak. I hear you can be worse than Brian, and I’ve never met a man more quietly stubborn than he is.” 

That broke the tension enough for AJ to take the gloves and smile as he put them on. “That’s the difference, though. Brian’s quietly stubborn. He just does what he’s going to do and doesn’t bother arguing. I tend to…tell people what’s going to happen. Loudly and frequently.” 

Micheal smiled again before switching gears. “You read that letter yet?” 

“Yes, sir.” AJ took a deep breath, trying to force down his fear and nausea. “And I think I know what’s in the envelope.” 

“Just Micheal will do. No matter how old I get, I still look for my dad every time someone calls me sir.” 

Now that he was gloved, AJ couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He reached out with trembling hands and picked up the envelope. It wasn’t sealed, so he slid the flap open. Only the top half of the first picture showed, but it was enough to have AJ wincing. He couldn’t stop himself from pulling them out, or from looking through them. Picture after picture brought back memories of the night he wished he could forget. 

Micheal’s voice was like a bee buzzing in his ear. Bile rose in the back of AJ’s throat as he moved through the pictures. There were lots of them, all from different angles, or the people in them in different positions. Seeing them brought the memories back with a startling clarity. In one, Coco the hooker was lying back on a couch with AJ perched over top of him. Both of them had their heads thrown back in pleasure. In another, AJ had the man bent over the bed, holding on to his hair, one hand against his back like he’d been scratching Coco. 

But it was one about midway through that finally snapped AJ’s control. Coco sat on a chair, head tipped back, eyes closed and mouth open slightly. Kneeling on the ground, AJ had his head buried in the hookers lap. 

The nausea swelled up so strong that AJ knew he wasn’t going to be able to control it. The pictures dropped out of his hand and he stepped back, one wrist going up to press against his mouth. He stumbled backward, toppling down and hitting the floor on his backside. Jesus. He tried to scramble up, to run and find the bathroom, but suddenly a wastebasket came into view, held in front of him by a pair of gloved hands. 

AJ didn’t hesitate. He couldn’t keep it in anymore. Shifting, he knelt on the ground and held the trash can as his body heaved up everything inside of it. His back arched and his shoulders shook with the force. 

A gentle hand cupped the back of his head, soothingly stroking his hair. The other gloved hand was still helping to hold the wastebasket in place. Tears built in AJ’s eyes, streaming down his cheeks. When he was finally done being sick, he felt Micheal take the basket away, moving to the door and murmuring to someone on the other side of it. From the tone of the response, AJ guessed that it was Jackie. Great. Brian’s mom was going to clean up a bucket of his puke. Wasn’t that just fantastic? 

The door shut again and then Micheal’s hands were back. It took quite a bit control for AJ to not flinch back. No, no, he wouldn’t let himself get in that mindset. He wouldn’t. He needed to get this shit under control.  _Be strong, be strong_  he chanted inside his mind.  _For Brian. Be strong for Brian. This is about him. Don’t try and make it about you by freaking out. This is about him and dammit, you need to straighten up!_  

“If I’d know what was in those pictures, son, I wouldn’t have let you see them.” Micheal said apologetically. “I’m sorry.” 

The nausea was still there, but AJ shoved it ruthlessly away. There was no time for it. He had no time to indulge in this. He wiped at his cheeks as he sat back on his heels, his chin coming up in a defiant way. 

Micheal marveled as he watched the young man gather his composure around himself like a cloak. Despite the red rimmed eyes or the shining tracks left on his cheeks, this kid’s whole demeanor changed until he looked perfectly in control again. The jutting chin, the sharp flash to his eyes, the firm set to his mouth, all of those showed Micheal that this was someone with a sharp temper, one that could be dangerous if it exploded on them. But it also showed that he had a strong control. 

The Detective’s appraisal went unnoticed by AJ. He was busy calming his mind and locking away all his fears. When he felt that he was fully under control again, he looked the man in the eyes. “Is there any statement I need to give? I’d like to get it done with and get back downstairs with Brian before the rest of the cops fill this house. They’ll just scare him.” 

Admiration was in Micheal’s gaze. “No, we’ve already got the information we need on this from your lawyer. Might have a few follow up questions later, but we’ll deal with that when it comes.” 

“Good.” On legs that were surprisingly steady, AJ rose to his feet. He took one final look around the room. “This son of a bitch isn’t going to lay one single fucking finger on him.” He swore softly. The words weren’t a threat. They were a promise. 

Micheal laid a hand on his shoulder, his usually smiling face suddenly serious. “No, no he won’t. Not if we’ve got anything to say about it.” 

In that moment, two men who barely knew one another were bonded by one common link: the need to protect Brian. They stood together and surveyed the room that this stalker had come into, seeing what he had done, and they were united in their opinions. Some friendships are made of years of getting to know one another, building memories together. But others are born of a common person. A common love. 

Surrounded by this mockery of love, this insanity, the two men forged a bond of friendship without saying another word.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable21.html


	22. Twenty - First Chapter

Twenty - First Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian gazed at the sky, observing the orange melting into the pink, then in violet and, finally, becoming a dark blue with brightening stars. Soon, policemen would be around the house, some of them inside his bedroom and others would have want to talk to him. He wanted nothing more to disappear, becoming invisible and let Micheal and Alex dealing with everything: his mind was still swirling around the fact that Zach had followed him back home, like it was the most natural thing to do. And, maybe, in his twisted mind, it felt like that. It felt like Zach had every rights to come to his house and leave a gift. Wonderful! Now he was even finding a logic behind a crazy man.

Placing his head on his knees, he decided to think about the only thing stable in this situation. Alex. He would have jumped on Kevin when he had the brilliant idea to call him. He didn’t even realized how time had rolled by, it seemed like he had been underwater until he saw those hazel eyes focused on him, pulling him over the numbness in which he had been enveloped.

He didn’t like being so dependent on someone. He had always thought that he could go through everything with his own strength. But that was before Alex, or maybe it was because no one had ever put down his foot and forced him to stop being so stupidly stubborn.

He owed everything to him, he was the reason why he was still alive. What would have happened if he didn’t fight him from the start? Would he be that dependent on Alex?

Everything happened for a reason, that was what his mother always remind him. He had to be on his own to understand how much he needed Alex’s presence. Maybe that wasn’t the way they were supposed to be together but nothing was set on stone. In a future, maybe, there would be times when Alex would depend on him or when they would have to combine their strength to overcome something. Right in that precise moment, he didn’t have to feel weak because he was asking help.

“There you are.”

Brian turned his eyes, smiling as he saw Aj leaning over the French window. “Want to join me?”

“Can I refuse this offer? - Aj replied, walking over and sitting down on the basket chair right beside him. – Man, now I understand why you love the Kentucky so much. You don’t get this sunset in the city.”

“Too many lights. They outshone the stars and the moon.”

They fell in a comfortable silence, watching the sunset and listening to the last songs from birds that still were singing hidden inside the trees. Brian leaned over and placed his head on Aj’s shoulder, for a moment he could phantom that everything was normal and that they were two normal guys falling in love with each other.

But reality, harsh reality, was waiting for him behind the corner. “Your mom told me that you’ve eaten only half sandwich.”

“I’m too nervous. – Brian answered rolling his eyes. – And you sound just like her. Or Kevin.”

“I’m just trying to be nice and this is how you repay me? You compare me to Kevin?”

“Sorry! But I’ll try to eat something after the police is gone.”

“Oh, I’ll hold it so don’t try to forget!” Brian replied with a smile, the first one he felt it had been really genuine. Seeing that smile, Aj couldn’t bring himself to tell him about the letter him and Micheal had found in the room. Brian was relaxed, as much as he could get after that day, but it was still a step ahead towards recovery. He didn’t want to be the one bringing him back in that pit of despair he had been until that moment. He remembered those empty eyes the moment he stepped inside the house, the way Brian had clung to him like he was the only thing that could save him. And now... now he was supposed to force him back in that condition? Oh no! Not at all! He would show him the letter after the police’s questions, if he was okay.

“Yesterday, before... before _it_ happened _,_ I did some thinking. – the soft voice pulled Aj back from his thoughts and Aj focused his attention on Brian. – while I know I can heal physically, I know that I can’t deal with the mental issues all alone. I need help.”

“That’s great, Bri. Getting help doesn’t mean you’re crazy or what. It just means that you need to sort things too big for you.”

“I know you wouldn’t make fun of me.”

“Never. – Aj assured him, placing a kiss on Brian’s temple. – Remember when I told you about the guys knowing and how Howie had found out because he knew someone who had been a victim too? – Brian nodded. – She’s now a therapist. Howie gave me the number so, whenever you want, you can call and make an appointment.”

“When this is gonna be over.” Brian admitted. Yes, when everything would be over, he would think only about getting back his life and starting a new one with Alex.

He just had to pray that he would have the strength to get through that day.

 

 

 

 

 

**** ** ** ** ** ****

 

 

 

 

 

Brian was scrubbing the dirt away from the dishes, trying as much to not think about what had happened in that room only some minutes before. He was trying as hard as he could to focus on the simple task of cleaning and not dwelling on the letter Zach had written and the fact that Alex had kept it from him.

Tears welled up in his eyes but stoically he refused to let them free, no matter how swollen his eyes would get or how blurry his sight would become. He wasn’t going to cry, even if this time his tears were coming from a hole full of anger and rage.

Was he really that frail and so emotional instable that even Alex was afraid about showing him a simple letter? After all he had been through and after all he had to witness, those twisted lines were nothing! They were harmless words of a twisted love. He already knew how crazy Zach was.

Just one part had him afraid:

_Soon, when all obstacles are out of our way._

It wasn’t that hard to comprehend what kind of obstacles Zach was referring to: Alex, foremost. The other guys. His family.

One thing he was sure about. Zach would never hurt him or kill him. Three times he had the chance and he hadn’t done nothing more than scaring him. In his sick mind, the rape hadn’t been something meant to hurt him. How did he call it? Oh, yes, a connection.

But still Alex had thought that he couldn’t bear to read those lines if he had to find out that letter from some stranger! Police’s questions had been hard to endure, he had to live again things he was trying so hard to forget but he had managed to do it without freaking over too much. Stoical, hand clasped tightly with Alex’s one, he had recalled everything, from the rape to the last time he had saw Zach with that mischievous smile on his face. And then, the bomb had been dropped: the other policeman, the one that had been checking his room with Micheal, had been back with a letter. He had been shocked, of course, but most of his shock had come from the realization that Alex had known about that piece of paper but didn’t tell him. From that moment, he hadn’t been able to look at him, feeling like there wasn’t no one who believed in his strength.   

Just as he was about to put down one of the glasses, footsteps behind him made him jump in fear. The glass fell from his hands, hit the sink and broke in pieces.

“Shit!”

With heart beating faster, Brian started picking up the broken glass. _Relax,_ he chanted, _you’re in your house and with policemen around no one is gonna hurt you._ Still, his words didn’t sound so convinced to him since it had been so easy for Zach to get inside the house. A place where he had been used to feel so safe and secure. And, when someone place a hand upon his, he couldn’t help to jerk away, ending up cutting his palm with the pieces of broken glass he was gathering.

“Bri, hey, it’s me.” If not for the raspy tone, Brian would have recognize that hand because of the tattoo inked on each fingers. _It’s only Alex._

“I didn’t mean to jump.” Brian excused himself as he finally worked the courage to open his eyes.

“It’s okay. – Aj replied, taking a hold of Brian’s wrist to check his hand. – It’s not too deep but let’s cleaning it, okay?” Brian just nodded while he let Aj lead him to the table.

They settled down on the kitchen table and Aj started cleaning the cut. It wasn’t deep so he could just bandage up. Another trip at the hospital wasn’t on the top of his favorite things. They were in silence, Aj focused his attention on the act he was doing while Brian was trying to hold in his emotions. The burning coming from the cut was a blessing, it gave his mind something to focus instead than dwelling on the fact that he should be mad at Alex.

“Why you didn’t tell me?” He still had the right to ask.

Aj stopped his fingers and winced slightly at the bitter note in Brian’s voice. “I was going to. You know that I won’t keep you something.”

“You were going to. - Brian repeated slowly, like he was trying to convince himself. He raised up his head and with now clearer eyes. Bright blue shining like Aj hadn’t seen in awhile.  – But you didn’t. Why?”

Aj put down the white gauzes but didn’t dare to touch his fingers and neither Brian did. “You didn’t need it. Brian, I’ve been in your room and I still don’t know how you managed to not freak out. If I can spare you a little pain, just for a short time... well, I’m not sorry about it.”

“So, you just assumed that I was going to break down? You just thought that I’m so frail that even a stupid letter could tore the last control and shatter me?”

“Stupid letter? Did you even read what he said?” Aj didn’t even notice how his voice had raised up higher, starting to sound more a scream than a simple talk. And, too lost in his short temper, he didn’t take notice about how Brian didn’t falter or didn’t seem afraid of being screamed at.

“I did. But I believe we’ve already stated that Zach is crazy. I didn’t expect anything less. We know that he thinks that he’s doing this to prove how perfect he’s for me.”

The statement left Aj speechless. He should have known better and, yet, he had done the same thing he had told Kevin that was wrong: sheltering him that much because of fear. Defeat made his shoulders slumped down and Aj, too embarrassed, lowered his eyes to keep on bandage up Brian’s hand. “I’m sorry. I saw you smiling, I saw how easy you were with me that I didn’t want to see you cry again. I didn’t want to ruin a moment when you’re feeling like normal and then... then came the police and knowing what they were going to ask you... – He finished up the bandage but, this time, he didn’t pull away his hand. – Guess I wanted to protect you. Even though I should have know that you’re stronger than this.”

A soft moan escaped from Brian’s lips. His fingers found Aj’s and  he intertwined them together. “Alex. If I’m strong it’s only because I know that you’re gonna be here for me no matter what. If I cry, you’ll be there holding me. If I want to scream or break things, you’ll let me do it, hearing every screams and ready to comfort me. I... Remember when I told you that I needed to be alone to crash hard?”

Aj nodded, his forehead a little frowned because he didn’t know what Brian was going to say. Or, better, he didn’t want to let himself believe those words that soon after were going to escape Brian’s lips.

“I was wrong. – Brian admitted. That made Aj’s head snapped up, his eyes searching in those blues in front of him a light that proved the words. Brian’s eyes never lied before and they weren’t lying in that moment. – I can’t be alone right now. I need you. Maybe it’s wrong, maybe it isn’t fair to you but... I do. I can’t do this alone.”

Aj realized that there, sitting in the Littrell’s kitchen, was the turning point in their relationship. He had thought it had been after admitting to Brian his love and how he wasn’t going to run away but he had been wrong. Back then, Brian was still fighting it, he was still trying to prove to everyone and himself that he could heal counting on his own strength. Oh, how he had been wrong! Now, in that precise moment, he could see that Brian was finally letting himself open to him. By admitting out loud that he needed help, he was placing a huge weight on trust upon his shoulders. But, to him, it wasn’t a heavy weight.

Never letting go of their holding hand, Aj placed his other hand upon Brian’s cheek, stroking over his thumbs. “Didn’t I already tell that I’m not gonna leave you alone?”

Warm although still small, a smile appeared in that face that Aj loved so much. “I don’t mind hearing another time.”    

“And I don’t mind keep saying it. – Aj replied. – So, that means that you will let me take care of you?” He asked with a sheepish smirk.

The past times, it hadn’t been a question. It had been a plea or a promise, sometimes an objection when Brian was so stubbornly convinced that he could do everything on his own. Now... now it was different. Aj knew what kind of answer Brian was going to give him and it enforced the sheer control he gathered up in Brian’s room.

“Only if you promise me that you won’t ever keep something from me. Even if it’s going to hurt me. I need you to believe in me.”

“Fair enough.”

Something happened in Brian in that moment. A desire that scared him because he didn’t know he was still able to nourish and to let it grow without thinking about what happened. But there, standing so close to Alex, feeling his breath so close to his face, he felt the urge to kiss him. Not those breathtaking kisses, burning from passion and lust. But a simple and gentle kiss, just to share with Alex some of the things he felt inside but that still were hard to say out loud. He remembered the first kiss given by Nick, how sweet his lips had tasted and how delicate he had been.  

But just thinking about kissing and Nick’s kiss brought back the memories of that fateful night. The death grip on his chin, being hit because he didn’t want to be kissed, the bites.

This time, he didn’t stop the tears. He let them out, each drops holding in shame, pain and frustration. How he could possible think about something with Alex if even something that simple like a kiss was tainted by the nightmare?

Arms were suddenly wrapped around him, his head placed against a chest. He didn’t freaked out, he would recognize those arms no matter what.

“Talk to me, sweetheart.” Aj simply requested, knowing that this time Brian would let him in.

“It’s... it’s stupid. Gosh! I feel so stupid!”

Aj just tightened up his embrace, hushing him. “It’s not stupid and you aren’t either.” He didn’t know what had brought those tears, although he might believed that everything that had happened in the last hours was slowly settling inside Brian’s.

Letting out a shaky breath, Brian curled up a fist around Aj’s shirt, needing the contact. “I... I wanted to kiss you. Just to try. But... I’m so messed up that I can’t! And why? Because the last kiss I’ve received was forced! I’m sorry... so sorry...”

“Hey, hey. I don’t wanna hear those foolishness! What are you sorry for?”     

Brian just shrugged his shoulders and tried to get closer, closer than he was already. He didn’t care what people would thought if they see him like that. Or what Alex would thought. “Help me to forget.”

“I will.” Aj didn’t know how or didn’t know how long it would take. He would make sure that Zach and what had done to Brian would be only a distant memory.

 

 

 

 

 

**** ** ** ** ** ****

 

 

 

 

 

Brian had known that he wouldn’t be able to sleep peacefully that night and it didn’t matter if Alex would be beside him. Trying to go to sleep had been out of question: he had been awake for more than a day and with all the rollercoaster of emotions it was a miracle he had been still lucid to refuse to take the pills when Alex had suggested it.

_“You need to sleep. -  Aj had said while he was getting ready to go to bed. – I know what you’re trying to do, you’re avoiding sleeping.” With a hand on his hip and a finger pointed towards him, Aj looked much like his mom when he was in trouble._

Yes, he needed to sleep. But if he had a nightmare, he wouldn’t be able to wake up if he was under medication. He would have been forced to live that reality without being able to run and escape those images. And that scared him more than going on with a little sleep.

So, he had expected the nightmares. What he didn’t expect was what they were about.

_He was back in the club, chatting and laughing with Aj. Howie told them that he was thinking about going back to the hotel. So he went to the bathroom: smells and sounds hit him just as he put his foot over the door._

_“My oh my, look at my luck!”_

_The voice behind his shoulder, that voice and that man. A voice in his mind that was screaming to get away as fast as he could. But his feet didn’t buckled, didn’t even make a small step. Brian couldn’t turn away or move his body, too frozen in fear because of what was waiting for him._

_That time, he wasn’t alone in the bathroom. They weren’t alone. Moaning and sounds of pleasures were coming from the corner in the back of the room. Unwillingly, his feet brought him there._

_A couple, two men intent on having sex. Brian knew one of the guy but not the other one. It seemed like he wasn’t in the bathroom anymore but in another place, a place he had only saw in pictures. Music was still loud even though it came through a closed door but all of his attention was drawn to the couple._

_At first, he couldn’t believe that he was watching Aj, his Alex, doing things he couldn’t even think! But those images lasted only for a quick moment, too quick for him to linger and reflecting about that, probably, he was only recreating those pictures he had seen before._

_“You would do much better.”_

_Oh, he knew that voice. And there, right before his eyes, stood Zach, that smirk always present upon his face._

_The old Brian would have confronted him, demanding to know what game he was playing and why. But this Brian? This Brian could only stared at his attacker with big eyes, words tangled up in the throat but no sounds coming out._

_“See? I knew you would be amazing.”_

_What the hell now he was talking about’ But Brian couldn’t ask, Zach had disappeared. The moaning didn’t stop but it wasn’t anymore Alex sitting on the lap of an unknown man. Now, the black hair had been replaced with two shades of blonde, one brighter and one much more darker._

_Nausea rolled inside him as Brian realized that he was watching himself riding Zach._

“Brian! Come on hon, it’s only a dream, wake up.”

_In the distance, Brian could hear Alex’s voice calling him. Was it all a dream? It had to be!_

“I know you hate being wake up  but you’re scaring me here.”

_Finally, his feet seemed to function again. He followed Alex’s voice, out from that room, far away from that sick and disgusting image._

Reality surrounded him as he woke up with a start, a scream ready to be heard. A sea of warm hazel was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes. “You’re okay, Bri. It’s all over now.” The sweat voice was a soft whisper in the ear, a relief to be in those arms that meant that he was safe. Tears mixed up with sweat and tremors were ranging his frame, shakes that came from his very core. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake away the feeling of hands roaming all over his body, unwanted caresses along with kisses that were building up a sick hole in the pit of his stomach. He shifted, trying to get closer than it was humanly possible to the warm body pressed against him, anything to prevent that coldness and numbness to take control over him.

“Calm down, Bri. I’ve got you, it’s gonna be okay. You’re here with me, you’re not back there.”

It had meant to be a reassurance but it had been enough to bring back flashes of images he wanted to forget. Ragged breathing kept hold in the silence while Aj started to rock both of them, still chanting a mantra of soothing words. “Just follow my voice, there isn’t no one here but us. You know I’m not gonna let something happen to you, right? But you have to calm down. Just focus on me and breathe.”

And so Brian did. He didn’t know for how long, but he focused on that simple task. Soon, Aj could feel the tension leaving Brian’s body, his breathing becoming more and more natural. Still, he didn’t stop rubbing his hand in circles on Brian’s back.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Oh no, Brian didn’t want to tell him what he had dreamt. But he knew he couldn’t keep them inside, on top of everything those nightmare were tearing in shreds his control. “It started the same. I was in the club, Howie told us that it was time to go back to the hotel and I went to the bathroom. – Nausea returned in full force so he was forced to wait a little before he could speak up again. Now came the hardest part: he wasn’t supposed to know about the photos since Alex hadn’t talk or show him. And, for that matter, he kinda understood why he hadn’t wanted to share them: he would have done the same thing if there were around pictures of his rape. But that part was the one that was hurting him the most and made him feel like he had sold his body to his rapist. – It was different, this time. I... was watching you with that hooker.”

As soon as Brian’s words left his lips, the hand stopped its motion. Freeze in shock, Aj didn’t know what to say. How did Brian know about the pictures? He hadn’t show them to him and had asked Micheal not to talk about it either. Mostly, because he didn’t want Brian to know how much weak he had been.

“Zach was there, saying things I couldn’t understand until... until the scene changed and we were the ones doing those stuff.”

Confusion lighted up Aj, who finally regained his voice. “What? We who?”

“Me and Zach.” Brian managed to say before everything he had tried to hold down came up in a blown. Brian managed to untangle himself from Aj’s embrace and ran for the bathroom, getting to the toilet just in time.

Aj didn’t follow him right away. For a long moment, he stayed in that same position on the bed, thinking about what Brian just told him. The irrational and still insecure part of him was screaming that Brian was feeling sick because of him, because of those pictures where he had been nothing more than a whore, pleasuring a man he didn’t even know. Gosh, it wasn’t a wonder if Brian had jumped away from him! _Get a grip,_ he thought, _if he didn’t want you he wouldn’t never asked you to help him. This is Brian you’re talking about, he would never be disgusted because of what have you done but because of what had been done to you. Think about him and not always yourself._

Clucking to himself, Aj resolutely got out the bed and hopped towards the bathroom: Brian was still bended over the toilet, although now the sounds were mostly of rough dry – heaving. He picked up a washcloth and wet him with cold water, then dropped down beside Brian and placed it on his neck, the other hand on his back drawing circle in a comforting motion.

“The only time I had enjoyed eating something...” Brian joked weakly, a dry laughter soon replaced by a coughing.

“Well, look it as an improvement. At least, you had something to throw up.”

“Oh, if I have the energy I would jump around in joy. - Was the reply of Brian, slumping against Aj’s body. A hand was favoring his stomach while the other searched for Aj’s. – I’m sorry.”

Keeping the conversation lightly, Aj joked back. “Oh, it isn’t the first time I’ve to supported you while puking. It’s becoming our favorite hobby.”

“Can I say that I would be happier with any other hobby?”

“Me too. – Aj replied, replacing the already warm washcloth with his hands. – But I’m the one that should be sorry, Bri. I should have told you about those... don’t think that I’ve done it because I thought you could break down.”

“I know. I would have done the same thing if I had been in your shoes. I’m not disgusted by you, Alex. Not at all.”

“How did you find them?”

“I wanted to check something in the file Micheal had left and those were attached to Zach’s letter. I’m sorry you have to see them.”

“Actually, I didn’t react well when I saw them but... accepting what have you done is the first step to move on. Zach didn’t force me and neither Coco. I wanted to do those things, even if it was the drugs that were pushing me. I just hate the fact that this is hurting you more than you’re doing already.”

“Just remember that I would never be disgusted by you, okay? That man in the pictures it wasn’t the same man that stood by my side from the start. It isn’t my Alex.”

“Think it’s over, honey?” Aj asked concerned.

“Yes, I think. – Brian replied, trying to get up. – There wasn’t too much in my stomach.” He coughed, trying to clear his throat but only managing to burn it with the still lingering acid.

“I can make you some tea, it would soothe your throat.” Aj offered when he saw him wincing.

“With honey?”

Aj smiled warmly. “As much as you want.”

Brian leaned over and left a small kiss. “Thanks. I’m gonna take a shower, if you don’t mind.”

The implication in those words wasn’t lost, Aj knew the reason behind and it wasn’t only because he was too much sweaty for his liking. Brian had made some steps forward but he couldn’t expect him to stop feeling dirty in a matter of days. “Just don’t use too much hot water. Remember that the dirt isn’t on your skin. It’s all mental.”

If it had been someone else, Brian would have just snapped at him or just glared like they didn’t know what they were talking about. But it was Alex who knew and understood. “I’ll try.” It was the best he could promise. The itching was still bearable but it was mainly because Alex was still there and his presence was always a boost of strength. It was like having his charming hero always ready to keep him safe from the devil dragon. The least he could do was to try to do the same thing with the dragon living inside his mind.

He watched as Aj left the room, closing the door barely, just a little inch to give him privacy but enough to hear for any alarming sounds. When all of his clothes lied on the pavement’s tiles, Brian stepped inside the shower, forcing his hands to stay away from the tap that provided the hot water. He opted for a middle way, just not too cold but not too hot either.

Water drops descended upon his skin like waterfalls, slipping from his hair down to the floor, following the lines and curves of his body. Those unpleasant feelings disappeared beneath the pure liquid, giving him a sense of being finally cleaned by those lingering memories of his nightmare.

_It wasn’t you in that dream. You would never do something like that._ His conscience reasoned, trying to clear his mind for any left doubts. But his heart couldn’t help but wonder and question. Wondering if he would be ever able to be that intimate with Alex, wondering if he would ever feel comfortable to share something that maybe he had lost that night. Wondering if he would ever be able to enjoy giving pleasure to the one he loved.

Lost in so many questions, one thing was very clear: that night was going to be so damn long.

 

 

 

 

**** ** ** ** ** ****

 

 

 

 

      

The teapot was starting to kettle as Aj was trying to remember where Jackie kept the honey. Everything else was already ready on the tray he had found on the counter: mugs, sugar, a little bit of milk and a fair collection of every tea Brian’s mom had – which included so many flavors that he wanted to ask Brian if he had tasted all – along with some cookies to see if Brian would eat a little bit.

“Second drawer by the top.”

Aj turned around to see Jackie standing on the door, a robe wrapped around her and her hair perfectly combined in a ponytail. “Did I wake you up?” He asked concerned, thinking that he might had been much louder that he had thought.

“Not at all. – Was the honest reply of the older woman. – I’m a light sleeper and I’ve heard the shower running from the room so I thought to come down and check a little.”

“Brian had a nightmare. I’m hoping some tea would calm him down a little but I doubt he will go back to sleep.”

Jackie retried the honey and placed it on the tray. Then, he motioned Aj to sit down while she finished doing the tea. “You’re feeling better?”

He looked at her in surprise and quite confused. Then, he remembered it had been her cleaning the bucket. “Much better. I’m sorry for that.” He replied, lowering his eyes on his lap.

“Don’t be. I haven’t been able to step in that room since this afternoon, knowing what there was inside. - She said warmly – How are you holding up?”

“I’m okay. Really. Being with ma had been helpful but... right now, I can’t stand be away from Brian. It’s the first time that someone needs me so bad.”

Jackie stalled while making the mugs. “I’ve never been against Brian being gay. I had an hard time coming to term with it but never I hated my son for who he was. Some may say that this is his punishment because he had sinned and he’s still doing it. But this is something that no one, no matter what his sexuality is, deserve.”

Aj didn’t know how to reply or if that was the moment to step in and say something. He didn’t know how Brian had handled the coming out part, since it happened when he was digging himself in the hole of drug and alcohol. Maybe once Brian had tried to tell him but the conversation had been stopped because he had passed out. Still, he could remember the day when Brian had come to visit him in the rehab facility. With Nick. He was happy, smiling in that lovely way that now was reserved to him, and he never asked how he had managed to conciliate his faith with his sexuality.

“And I know that God isn’t punishing him either. – She said after a moment of pause. – He wouldn’t ever send you as his angel if Brian was a sinner.”

Aj felt his emotions gripping a hold of his control, tears were already started to well up in his eyes and he blinked them rapidly to brush them off. He cleared his voice once, twice, before he could speak without cracking. “It means so much for me. Half of the times I don’t know what to do to help him or if he will ever be himself once again.”

“He will. - She reassured him, patting his hand. – Come on, take up the tray and try to get him to sleep a little. You too, Alexander. You need more strength than Brian right now since you have to look after him.”

A brief nod, a quick exchange of goodnights and then Aj found himself back in what had been once Brian’s brother’s room. The light had been turned off but a flickering blue light shone the figure sat on the bed.

“Television? Really?” he asked, his eyebrows arched.

“You were taking too much time and I found a marathon of Classic Disney. – Brian answered. The shower had made him much more relaxed but still he didn’t’ dare to go back to sleep. – But if the tv will disturb you, I just go down in the living room. You should sleep.”

Aj settled down the tray between the two of them, then he offered Brian the mug is mum had made, the one with the mint flavored tea. “I’ve managed to sleep with you and Nick in the same room, I think I can do even with the television on.”

Brian accepted the cup, waited for Aj to take his, and then settled himself close to the boy. Naturally, Aj’s arm went around Brian’s shoulder, letting Brian putting his head against his chest. “Good, ‘cause I didn’t want you to be all alone in this big bed.” He joked.

Laughing quietly to himself, Aj kept up the joking. It was a relief seeing Brian that lifted after a nightmare and he would do anything to keep that light shining. “Yes, this bed is really too big for only one person.”

“That was what I was thinking. You’re lucky that I’m so compassionate. You don’t find guys like me nowadays.”

“That’s so true. – Aj admitted. – So, what are you watching?”

Brian, mindlessly, picked up a cookie and nibbled it a little. “ _The Little Mermaid_. It’s one of my favorite.”

“Never saw it.” Aj confessed.

“Tell me you’re joking!” Brian exclaimed in surprise, looking at him like he had grown two heads.

“I’m not. Look, I spent all my childhood doing audition and taking dance lessons. I didn’t have time to watch cartoons.”

“This isn’t a simple cartoon. It’s magic. It’s hope.”

“How can it be about hope when she’s a mermaid and he’s human?”

Brian took a sip from his tea. “Because it teach you to follow your dreams and to fight for what you want, even if it’s not realizable. Love. Love doesn’t come only in one shape or genre. No matter what, their love would win and overcome every obstacles. – He said softly, his tone softened as he watched Ariel singing about how beautiful he would have been if she was part of Eric’s world. – Just like what I wish it would happen for us.”

Kissing the top of Brian’s head, Aj tightened up their embrace and, after settling down his cup on the bedside table, he made himself comfortable. Images shifted together as the little mermaid made the trade with the devil witch, songs melted in one carried by the softly notes made by Brian – who knew every songs and lines – and soon Aj was sounds asleep, his head bended in a weird angle. Brian realized it when the movie had been over and, with no sounds, the little snores were the only rumour in the room. He just smiled, thinking that at least one of them could sleep and rest and God knew how exhausted Alex had been: flying in for him, checking the room and then had to stand beside him as he told the police everything. And he couldn’t forget that he was still battling the cravings. Extracting himself from the embrace, Brian picked up the tray and his cup, placing them on his bedside table; then, being attentive not to wake Alex, he maneuvered him so he could lie down and not in that awkward position he had fallen asleep in. Lastly, he resumed his position between Aj’s arms as the opening credits of _Aladdin_ started to roll on the screen.

 

 

 

**** ** ** ** ** ****

 

 

 

 

 

 

Half through the movie, Brian’s cell phone started to ring. Brian reached for it before it could wake up Alex, who was still sleeping soundly. Surprise hit him as he read the name of the caller: Nick. Gosh, what the hell had happened?

“Nick?”

“Ehi, Frick! Didn’t thought you would be still up!”

“So why did you call me?” Brian asked, relief sweeping through him. Nothing had happened, it was only Nick being Nick.

“I wanted to check. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Same nightmare. What’s your excuse for being awake at this hour?”

“I’m driving. So it’s better if I’m awake, right?”

“Driving?” Brian asked in disbelief.

“Yes, driving. You know, in the car?”

“I know you’re driving your car. Where are you going?”

“Don’t get too upset and listen, okay? – Nick started sheepishly. – Kevin called me and told me what happened. I know you have a house full of people but... I just want to be there for you.”

“You’re coming here?”

“Yes. And, before you object, I was at home all alone and you know that I don’t know how to stay alone. So, I thought that staying with you would have been much better than running around my house without no one to talk with.”

“Nick, coming here now it’s not... It’s too dangerous. Zach could still be here, hiding somewhere. I don’t want to put you in danger.”

“I don’t care. Brian, he won’t do nothing now that your house is surrounded by police.”

“Nick...” Brian pleaded, even though he knew it was pretty much pointless. If Nick had decided to come, nothing could stopped him.

“Brian.”

Brian resigned in defeat. “Please, be careful at least.”

“I’m always careful.”

“So careful that you’re driving while being on the phone. How many time did I tell you?”

Laughter came through the phone. It seemed like nothing had changed between the two of them. Best friend they had been before and still they were the best friend for each other. “How many times have I listened to you?”

“Never.”

“Right. – Comfortable silence fell between them for a minute or so. – Bri, I’ve done something.”

Brian covered his eyes with a hand. “Why am I afraid?”

“I promise it isn’t something bad. I... – a shuddering breath while Nick passed a hand through his hair, convincing himself that it had been the right thing to do. – I did something for you. I’m not Jay, I know that I’m not the right person to be in charge to take care of you. But... I’m still your Frack and I sensed that, sometimes, you’re uncomfortable being with me because I remind you of Zach. So... I’ve cut my hair. And dyed them a little darker.”

Brian didn’t know what to say, emotions were clouding inside his throat. Never he had thought how much the guys were willing to help him. Oh, he knew he should know better but the last time he had been the one in needing, he had been left alone. And while he had accepted and forgave the guys, a part of him was still waiting them at the corner, knowing that if something would happen, they would do the same thing: running away. This part, this untrustworthy himself, had been proven wrong. “You didn’t have to.”

“I know. I wanted to.”

“Thanks, Nicky. You don’t know how much it means to me.” Brian whispered, his voice still cracking because of the tears that wanted to go out.

“I know, Bri. I know... – Nick couldn’t continue his sentence, a bright light coming from the rearview blinded him for a moment. – What the hell?”

“Nick?”

Nick didn’t answer. Thinking that the car behind him wanted to surpass him, he moved on his right, signaling him to speed up and pass. But the car didn’t do anything, it kept following him and blinding him. Something was very wrong.

“Someone is following me, Brian.” He admitted.

_All obstacles are out of our way._ Gosh, Nick had been right. Zach wasn’t there anymore but he was making sure that no one would come between them. And since he couldn’t get Alex, he went to his next target. Nick. He didn’t care anymore about letting Alex sleep so, while still being on the phone with Nick, he shook his arms, trying to get him awake. “Nick, listen. Pull over at the next stop and call the police. I’m making Alex calling Micheal. It’s Zach.”

“You’re right.” Nick said, trying not to let show how much he was freaking out. Because he hadn’t told Brian the fact that his brakes didn’t work anymore. Surely, Zach had cut them and now he was trying to swerve him off the road.

A car crash caused by an unknown driver, since no one but them was on the road.

Brian was still on the phone, hearing Nick swearing and praying that nothing would happen. Then, so suddenly and only following a moment of silence, he heard something he had hoped he never ever heard: a loud bang, then metal crashing. Before everything returned to an unnatural silence, Nick’s scream echoed inside the room. Then, nothing more than the static sound of the phone disconnected.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable22.html


	23. Twenty - Second Chapter

Twenty - Second Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flashes of light danced outside Nick’s closed eyes. He clenched them shut tighter, trying to keep that light out. God. Oh…God. Everything hurt. From the top of his head down to the tips of his toes, he just hurt. Even breathing hurt, a sharp kind of stabbing in his ribcage that had his eyes flying open and a gasp slipping past his lips.  

Where was he? What the hell had happened? He looked around him, his mind and vision hazy. A steady dripping sound filled his ears, along with this strange hissing, but he couldn’t place where it was coming from. His eyes couldn’t seem to make sense of anything either. The world seemed to have gone crazy around him. 

Something trickled down into his eyes, blinding him for a minute. He automatically tried to raise a hand to wipe it away. Pain, white hot and blinding, ripped him to shreds. He didn’t hear his own scream; didn’t notice how his head dropped back as he gasped for air. 

When his eyes opened again the world seemed kind of misty around him. He looked down, noticing the steering wheel he was mostly lying on. A car? Was he in a car? Images came back to him. Driving down the road, headlights in his rearview mirror. Trying to let the car pass, but it did nothing, only stayed behind him. Telling Brian that he thought someone was following him. 

Shit, Brian. They’d been on the phone together. Talking as Nick had tried to figure out a way to control a car with no brakes without telling Brian that his brakes were out. Then the car behind him had accelerated. Shit, shit. The car had slammed into the back of him, shoving him off the road, careening down the hill, his car rolling a few times before landing on its wheels, in just enough time to slam into a tree. 

It all came back to him with sickening clarity. The images were bright and clear. With those memories came a return to reality for Nick. It sharpened his brain, bringing him back to the present. He saw the crunched car around him. The front end wrapped around a tree. He was still on a hill because the car was angled downward, toward the tree, which was why he was lying on the steering wheel. The dripping sound he heard was rain falling on the top of the car. The hissing came from the engine. 

Had Brian heard everything? Had he called 911? Looking around him, trying not to move, Nick tried to think of how the hell he was going to get out of here. If Brian hadn’t called 911 then no one would know he was here. He had to find a way out. Out and back up the hill to get help. 

Slowly, gently, he shifted his hand toward where his seatbelt hook was. Surprisingly it unhooked easily. Ok, that was one part. Now for another. He moved both hands to the steering wheel. This was going to hurt. He knew it was going to hurt. But there was no way he could just stay here. There were too many things that could go wrong! The car could blow up. Help might not be able to find him. The guy who ran him off the road might come and find him and finish it. 

Nick gritted his teeth and gripped tightly to the steering wheel. Then, once he took a deep breath, he pushed off from it, lifting his chest off of the wheel and letting the buckle slide across. It hurt; sweet God it hurt! The world seemed to spin around him, threatening to take him down, drag him under. 

But he couldn’t stop now. No, no, he had to keep going. Even as blood poured down his face, as he wiped it away with his hand, he knew he had to keep going. So he grabbed the door handle and tried to open his door. No luck. It wouldn’t budge. On the off chance it might work, he pressed the power window button, trying to bring his window down. To his surprise, it did! 

Ok, now to just get out that window. From about his chest down felt like it was on fire an being run over all at the same time. But he couldn’t stay here. No, got to go, got to move, go, go, go. He chanted to himself as he took hold of the window and, with one big, deep breath, yanked himself up until he was sitting on the window, his upper half sticking out.

How he managed to do it without passing out, he had no idea. It was a close thing. The world swam around him sickeningly, threatening him with the blackness again. There was no time for that! Nick looked around, trying to figure out how to get to the ground with the minimum amount of fuss. He couldn’t stop. He had to get safe! Not only that, but he was terrified that, if he stopped, he might not be able to start again. He might just lie down and bleed out without anyone around to help him. 

Just above him was a thick tree branch. Nick made his decision quickly. He transferred his grip from the car to the branch, holding it tightly and trying to pull his lower half from the car. His left leg seemed to work fine, but his right felt like it was being stabbed from the inside out. Nick gritted his teeth against the pain and pushed off the steering wheel with his left leg, forcing his lower half out of the car. He had just enough presence of mind to catch his weight on his good leg and to try to keep the right one off the ground. 

So far no one had come after him. Just as Nick was bracing his body, he saw lights move toward the top of the hill. Instinct took over. Before those lights could reach his car, he dropped down and slid down the hill, hiding behind the tree. He stayed there, waiting, as the lights moved over his car and rested there for a minute. He held his breath; terrified to even breathe for fear that he’d be discovered. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Nick heard one of the most beautiful sounds he’d ever known. Sirens. Just as quickly as he heard them, the lights from the car on the hill moved and Nick could hear the car racing away. He dared to dart out from behind the tree, stumbling to the ground right near the driver side door. 

Hitting the ground had him hissing in pain. The world spun yet again, but this time it was stronger. This time he didn’t know if he could fight it. 

Lights flashed around him, illuminating the hill. There were the sounds of something thumping. He couldn’t make out what it was. Nausea rolled in his stomach and the blackness came closer and closer. As it sucked him under, Nick heard voices shouting and the sound of leaves crackling as people slid down the hill toward him. His last thought was that he hoped to God someone got to Zach before he tried to take out anyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

It was Micheal who drove AJ and Brian to the hospital once he called around and got the information he needed to find Nick. The two men sat in the backseat of his car, hands clenched tightly together. Prayers slid past Brian’s lips the entire time. He couldn’t seem to do anything else. It made him pause when he heard AJ join in, repeating the prayer right along with him. With a grateful look, Brian continued, his and AJ’s voices blending together in a whisper soft prayer. 

Time seemed to slow down and yet they were at the hospital in no time. Brian and AJ, still holding hands, rushed into the emergency room with Micheal, Harold and Jackie right behind them. The two reached the desk first. 

“Nick Carter.” Brian gasped out to the nurse. “Please, where’s Nick Carter? Is he ok?” 

The nurse turned to his computer screen, typing for a moment before bringing up the information. “Room 314, Sir, end of the hall. But the doctor’s in with him…” 

Whatever else the man had to say was lost and AJ and Brian took off down the hallway. They dodged around other patients and nurses, ignoring their cries as they tried to jump out of the way. Together they burst into room 314. The very first thing they saw was Nick, lying pale as can be on a hospital bed. Blood was still on the side of his face and his chest. The bed was propped up, putting him in a reclined position, and they had thrown a blanket over his waist for modesty’s sake. 

“Oh man.” Brian swore softly. He gripped tighter to AJ’s hand, feeling AJ’s trembling mixing with his. “Nick.” 

He paid no attention to the doctor who stood beside Nick’s bed. All of his attention was focused on the pair of blue eyes that opened and locked on to him. They looked slightly woozy; whether from pain or from medication, Brian didn’t know. All that mattered was that Nick was there and he was alive. 

A corner of Nick’s mouth tugged up. “Frick.” He sounded a little hazy. Definitely pain meds. “You found me. You’re safe.” 

Brian stepped up to the bed. He finally let go of AJ right as they reached Nick’s bedside so that he could reach out and take Nick’s hand in his. “Yeah, bud, I’m safe. I’m right here. Boy, you sure had me terrified.” 

“Sorry.” 

Smiling, AJ stepped up beside Brian, slipping an arm around his waist to offer comfort. “Yeah, well, don’t do it to us again, kid.” He teased Nick. “You about gave Bri and I a heart attack.” That was putting it mildly. They’d been absolutely terrified when they’d heard the crash over Brian’s cell phone. Afterward, not being able to get an answer on Nick’s cell, Brian had panicked. AJ had called Micheal and soon the entire house was awake and rushing around while Micheal made calls, calling in favors to trace the cell phone call for location. Then, once they’d found him, paramedics had been dispatched. 

The doctor looked up at the three of them, compassion in his eyes. “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I need to finish getting him cleaned up and get him down to get this leg in a brace. Once he’s settled in a room you can come back and visit.” 

“Wait.” Nick croaked. He squeezed Brian’s hand, obviously trying to focus. “Bri, s’ important.” The drugs were making him hazy but he was working hard to try and say something. Brian squeezed his hand reassuringly. “What, Nick?” 

“The crash. Was him.” A small shudder ran down Nick. “My…my brakes. He cut my brakes. Hit me. B’stard pushed me off the road.” 

“Who?” 

The doctor was adjusting Nick’s bed, preparing to move him. Brian watched as Nick’s eyes started to slide shut. The younger man forced them back open. “Huh?” he mumbled. 

Brian squeezed his hand again. “Who, Nick? Who was it?” A sick feeling was growing in his stomach, burning up his throat. He knew what Nick was going to say. There was only one person who would want to hurt him this way. One man who was trying to ruin his life. 

When Nick looked at him and mumbled “Zach.” It came as no surprise. A part of him even registered that AJ didn’t seem surprised either. Numbness stole through him. Zach had tried to kill Nick. Tried to kill someone he saw as competition.  What was next? Who was next? 

AJ seemed to sense that Brian was at a loss for words. He reached over, taking Nick’s hand from between Brian’s and gently tucking it on the bed. Then he leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to Nick’s forehead. “You go with the doc an get set up, kid, ok? We’ll be here to see you when you come out.” 

Blue eyes locked on to AJ. “Promise?” he whispered. 

A smile curved AJ’s lips. “Cross my heart. Now, go on, go get your brace on. We’ll go get some bad hospital coffee and hang out in the waiting room till the Doc says we can come back. You just be good and we’ll see you soon.” 

Content, Nick let them roll him out of the room. The instant the room had emptied, AJ spun and cupped Brian’s face in his hands. “Don’t you dare start this on me, Littrell. Don’t you fucking dare.” 

Surprise had Brian focusing on AJ. What on earth was AJ swearing at him for? “Excuse me?” 

“I can see it right there on your face. You’re starting that guilt trip bullshit.” AJ said firmly. His expression was strong and serious. “Earlier you were mad because I was sheltering you, so I’m going to be blunt right now, Brian. You don’t have time to indulge in being upset here. You don’t have time to indulge in guilt. Nick needs you. He needs his best friend to be a little stronger than him right now so he has someone to fall back on. He needs you not to panic on him.” 

“But Alex…I…” Stammering, Brian tried to find some of his control. The room threatened to spin on him. “How can I not panic? Zach did this to him! Zach!” 

“And your point is?” 

Those words had Brian startling back in surprise. He stepped away from AJ’s hands, not sure what to say or do. This hadn’t been what he’d expected from AJ at all. “My point? That man tried to take out Nick because he saw him as an obstacle to me! Me!” 

AJ put his hands on his hips and leveled Brian with a firm glare. “Did you mess with Nick’s brakes? Did you go find Zach and ask him to do this, Bri? Did you tell him you wanted Nick out of the picture? Did you do anything, anything at all, to encourage him in his pursuit of you?” 

“No!” 

“Then none of this is your Goddamn fault!” AJ exclaimed. “You can’t take responsibility for someone else’s actions, Brian Thomas! This man is twisted. He’s sick. What he does has nothing whatsoever to do with anything you’ve said or done. All of this is some sick thing he’s built in his head. If it hadn’t been you that he chose, it would have just been someone else. Guys like him don’t need a reason. There’s something in his head that’s messed up.” 

“But it’s not someone else, Alex! It’s me and it’s my friends that are getting hurt.” 

“So you’re going to take it all on your shoulders, are you? Don’t be a martyr, Brian, it’s not becoming.” 

Shocked, Brian took a step back. Neither one of them realized that they were both yelling by this point, or that Brian wasn’t cowering back from AJ’s temper. He wasn’t scared of it. Instead, he felt himself responding in kind. “How dare you tell me that?” He shouted back. “Who the hell do you think you are, Alex? You have no idea what it’s like to be in the position I’m in! You don’t have someone stalking you, killing off your friends!” 

AJ scoffed at him. “No, of course I don’t understand.” He snapped. “I just have someone stalking the man I love, trying to kill him and me and my friends. You’re right. How the hell could I understand? You act like this whole thing is your fault. Well, let me tell you, from the position of someone that Zach wants to kill, I sure as hell don’t blame you. I blame that twisted little son of a bitch. I bet Nick feels the same fucking way.” 

The blunt way AJ spoke was getting to Brian more than any soft words would have. He stood there and stared as AJ continued to try and put him in his place. 

“You think that everyone is going to blame you, Brian, and you sit there and blame yourself. What good does that do? Right now one of our best friends is down there getting cleaned up and patched up, not because of you, but because of Zach. You want to be upset? You want to be angry? Put those emotions where they belong. Put them on the person that’s at fault. Zach. It sure as hell isn’t you. But either way, suck it up. Nick doesn’t need this right now. He needs you and I to be strong. Later, you can break. Later, you can have that luxury. Right now, your best friend needs you. If you can’t keep it under control, then go home.” 

Brian stood gaping at AJ. Had all of that really just come out of AJ’s mouth? AJ? The one person who’d been his protector this entire time? No one had dared to speak to Brian like that, to yell at him that way, since the rape had happened! Yet, somehow, instead of hurting him or pissing him off, Brian found himself appreciating AJ. 

He stepped forward, one hand coming up to lie on AJ’s cheek. Neither of them commented on the shaking in Brian’s fingers. A million different emotions worked their way through Brian. Most prominently, though, was that strength that he’d slowly been finding inside of himself lately. “Thank you.” He found himself whispering. 

His words took all the starch out of AJ’s speech. Brian was rewarded with that crooked grin he loved so much. “Anytime, baby.” AJ said cheekily. 

Chuckling, Brian smiled at him and wished, oh how he wished, he had the guts to try and kiss AJ right then. “I’ll keep my fears to myself as best as possible, I promise. I won’t let Nick see them. Thank you for arguing with me until I had the strength to be able to do that.” 

“Sometimes that’s what a guy needs. I know nothing clears out crap emotions for me like a good mad. I figured, if I got you to fight with me, you’d just be mad, you wouldn’t be terrified and hurting.” AJ moved forward slightly, sliding his arms around Brian’s waist, pulling him in for a soft hug. Their faces were only inches apart as they stood there. “But I don’t want you going all super tough on me. I wanted you to see that Nick doesn’t need to see those fears. But you can always bring them to me. You can always tell me about them. I just don’t want you to let them consume your life anymore. I want to help you find your feet again, Bri.” 

“I think you are.” Brian admitted. He looked down at their bodies and back up to AJ’s face with a smile. “I wouldn’t have been able to do this a short while ago. I’m making progress.” 

“You are, baby. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come.” 

It was the honest pride in AJ’s eyes that did Brian in. The love and pride that burned in equal measures in those beautiful chocolate eyes.  Before Brian even realized what he was doing, he tipped his head, closing that small distance between them. Their lips brushed against one another, tasting, teasing. He heard AJ’s sharp intake of breath; knew that he’d shocked him. 

But Brian was busy exploring the feeling. He let their lips touch again, the gentlest of kisses. He deepened it just a little, enjoying the flutters that started in the pit of his stomach. God! Never had he thought he’d feel this sensation again. It surprised him so much that he almost broke the kiss out of shock. That was desire he was feeling. Low grade, but there! 

When he finally pulled back, he smiled at AJ, enjoying the desire and love that flashed in his ever expressive eyes. 

AJ licked his lips before he found the words he wanted. “Wow. That was, um, yeah.” He stopped himself, paused, then blew out a breath. “Hell.” 

A chuckle slipped up Brian’s throat. Hearing it, AJ pretended to glare at him. “Don’t laugh at me, Littrell. Your kiss, hell, it fried my brain cells.” 

“Thanks.” Brian said with a smile. 

They shared another smile, this one softer. Brian watched AJ as they shifted their positions, linking hands instead of hugging, and left the room side by side. That was another thing he loved about AJ. The younger man didn’t pester him with questions on so many things. He just took them at face value. This was good, because half the time anymore, Brian didn’t have answers to those kinds of questions. 

The two made their way to the waiting room where Jackie, Harold and Micheal were all waiting. Jackie was on the phone; from the sounds of it, she was talking to Kevin. That was good. Someone needed to let him and Howie know what the hell was going on. 

AJ gently deposited Brian in his dad’s care, giving him a soft smile. “I’m going to go get us some coffee. Anyone want anything else?” he offered. Everyone agreed to coffee but declined other things.

Stepping up, Micheal smiled at AJ. “I’ll give you a hand.” He offered. 

With one last smile for Brian, AJ was off down the hall, Micheal by his side. Brian watched him go, thinking to himself that he was lucky to have so many people in his life who cared so much about him.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

Standing in the cafeteria, AJ pulled the lever on the coffee machine, filling the cup he held underneath it. He capped it once it was full and set it on the counter, moving to the next cup. As that one filled, he glanced over at Micheal. “So, I imagine there’s more to you coming with me than just offering to help carry hot cups of coffee.” He said conversationally. 

A grin flashed over Micheal’s face. “Imagine there is.” He admitted. He handed AJ another cup when the one that AJ had been filling was done. “I wanted to talk to you while things were calm. The nurses, they told me how Nick is, so I didn’t panic anymore about that. I didn’t want to have to call my wife until I knew all the facts. She’ll panic bad enough as it is.” 

His words reminded AJ that this man was close with Brian and Nick. He hadn’t stopped to think about that before. “He looks ok. A little druggy, a little scared, but ok.” 

“Does he know anything about what happened to him?” 

The question was purely a cop question, but it held the tone of a friend to it. There was also a slight anger underneath Micheal’s casual demeanor that AJ could very well sympathize with. “He said his brakes weren’t working. When Bri was talking to him, I woke up and heard Nick say something about someone following him. Back in the room there he said that someone hit his car and pushed him off the road.” AJ closed off the last cup before lifting his eyes to meet Micheal’s stormy ones. “He said, clear as a bell, that it was Zach.” 

The look on Micheal’s face said that this didn’t surprise him at all. “I’ll be the one to take his statement, to make it a little easier on him.” 

“I appreciate that. Bri will probably want to sit with him.” 

“How’s he taking this, Alexander?” 

Hearing his full name, AJ had to stop himself from shaking his head. The Littrell family had never called him AJ, even back when he’d tried to insist on it. To them, his name was Alexander for a reason. The biggest concession they’d give was to call him Alex. So, naturally, that was now they spoke of him to other people, Micheal included. This meant that the trait had now passed to Micheal as well. He didn’t comment on it, though. “He’s doing ok. For a minute, after they took Nick out, he looked like he was going to break a little, beating himself up and such. I, well, I yelled at him a little.” A small flush covered AJ’s cheeks. 

Micheal chuckled. “Sometimes a good shouting match clears the air. I thought I could hear both your voices. Sounds to me like he yelled back at you.” 

“After a fashion, yeah.” AJ gathered up three cups, leaving the last two for Micheal to carry. Together, the two set out from the cafeteria. “It helped, he said. Calmed him down, put his focus on Nick and not on the root of this all.” 

They’d reached the elevator by then. “How’re you taking all this?” 

The question threw AJ. He bent a little, pressing the button to take them up. He shrugged his shoulders a little. “I’m coping.” 

Even to Micheal, who was just getting to know him, the words sounded forced. He waited until the elevator doors closed before he said any more. “You know that if you need someone to talk to, someone to listen while you get this off your chest, I’m here for you, son.” He offered. At AJ’s surprised look, Micheal smiled. “Those two boys mean the world to me and my wife. You mean a lot to both of them, but especially to Brian .That alone is enough to make you important in my world. We’ve heard plenty from them over the years that tell me you’re a good kid. Add on that I’m starting to like you quite a bit. I’ll listen if you need it.” 

The offer genuinely surprised AJ. “I…thanks.” 

“Can’t be easy, being the tough guy so much.” The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened, letting the two out into the empty hallway. “Just know I’ve got two shoulders if you need them.” 

They walked quietly for a few minutes before AJ spoke again. “You guys will find this bastard, right?” he asked softly. 

“Yes.” 

“Good.” AJ paused outside the waiting room, taking a deep breath. As he had in the bedroom, Micheal watched now as AJ gathered his strength around him like a cloak, firming his spine. Yet again, AJ wasn’t aware of these observations. He was concentrating on controlling the black rage that was gripping him from head to toe. As he did, he looked through the window in the door, looking to where Brian sat with his parents, their three heads bowed in prayer. “I hope you find him.” He whispered. 

“We will.” Micheal assured him. 

AJ smiled, sharp and lethal. “You better pray you find him before I do, Micheal. Because if I find him first, I’m taking him apart, piece by piece, until the little bastard is begging for death. Once he’s suffered, once he’s hurt for every second that he’s caused Brian pain, then I’ll kill him. Slowly.” Hard, dark eyes turned to lock on Micheal. “You better find him first, or there won’t be enough left when I’m done with him to put into a Ziploc bag.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable23.html


	24. Twenty - Thrid Chapter

Twenty - Third Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zach was running through the woods, cradling that object safely in his hands. Oh, he had wanted to follow the ambulance and be sure that Brian, his Brian, had understood the implied message in his actions but he couldn’t leave that tiny object laying beside the wrecked car.

As soon as he saw it, he knew he had to have it. Thoughts and plans started to form inside his mind, each of them revolved around how that thing could bring him closer to Brian.

 

_You’re an idiot! You should run away and hide!_

_Let him do whatever he wants. The circle is getting closer and closer and soon he will be doomed._

Stopping himself with an abrupt, he swirling around, looking at those guys that were mocking him. “Shut up!” A scream resounded in the quietness, fingers tugging the hair like they could pray away those voices. “Shut the fuck up!”

 

_My, oh my, why you want to silence us? You shouldn’t have killed us. Now, you’re paying the dues._

“You deserved to die!” He kept screaming, without even a single care if someone was going to hear him. How they could? He was in the middle of a thick forest, miles and miles from the first house, the first where someone actually lived, and the lights coming from the scene of the wreck seemed like paling fireworks. And he had every right to scream, to regain control of a situation that no one could interrupt.

 

_Why? Because we didn’t want to become someone we weren’t? Because you couldn’t get a hold of your fantasies?_

Why were they screaming at him? They knew the truth, they knew that him and Brian were meant to be. He was only making that statement true, he was only getting what he deserved. The man he loved and the man that loved him. “He loves me! We’re meant to be!”

 

_Really? You really think that Brian loves you? He doesn’t! He’s terrified by you!_

Lies. Those were only lies. Lies feed by people who didn’t approve their love and who thought that he wanted to hurt Brian. How could they think that? He would never hurt his soul!

 

_You raped him! You stalked him, hurt his friends... you should burn in hell!_

Rape. Zach shivered at that word. It was so wrong to think of that about him. He didn’t force Brian, they made love. Maybe, it hadn’t been in the most romantic place of the world but he couldn’t let pass that chance. No, it hadn’t been rape. The connection between them had been by magic and pure love, that kinda of love only a few elected people could feel.

 

He calmed down, taking deep breaths and willing those voice to get out of his mind. They didn’t understand, they would never understand just like everyone around Brian. They told him that they were protecting him while, in reality, they were only tearing them apart, putting lies between their love.

 

Because Brian loved him and he would prove that. He would prove to _them_ that Brian loved him and that he would leave behind his so called friends to stay forever with him. Yes, that was what he was going to do.

 

He regained his steps, faster and faster because he didn’t want to waste any minute anymore. Who knew what they were telling Brian, who knew how many more lies they were creating to desecrate him. Soon, he found himself standing in front of an old and abandoned house, He didn’t chose it because no one seemed to live here since ages, although it was the best hidden place he could find in so little time. But, even if the appearances were like an old ruins, ready to collapse at any time, it was so perfect: just across the field, when the trees were less and less until they disappeared, there was Brian’s house.

 

Every night, every night since Brian had came back to Kentucky, he had been up in the only room that had a window with a wonderful view of that house, even if it was from a broken glass. But he could picture that blonde angel wondering around the room and watching his gift, those roses that spoke about his love for him.

 

_Run away. Run away or surrender. Run away. Surrender. Run away. Surrender._

Voices still chanting around him, ghost for everyone who would be looking but real figure for the only one who could listen. But Zach didn’t pay attention anymore, all he could focus was the little metallic object inside his hands.

 

Nick’s phone. He didn’t care who was the owner, it mattered what was inside that phone. Brian’s number. Excitement bubbled inside him, anticipation made his head spinning. He would be able to hear his sweet voice, he would be able to tell him how much he was cherished... No one would interfere, no one would come between them and tell Brian about his lies.

 

He opened it and looked through the contact list. Brian, Brian, Brian... oh, there it was! Could he do it? Could he call him and tell him to just forget every little lies people had told him?

 

_He would never believed you. He won’t. Don’t call him._

It wasn’t his fault! He wasn’t a bad person, he just wanted to be with Brian. No, it wasn’t his fault. There was only one to blame, now that Nick was out of the picture. That rebel one, that Aj. Always keeping himself attached to Brian’s side, always whispering words of hatred directed to him. And Brian, sweet and gentle Brian, couldn’t do anything because he was his friend.

 

As he dialed the number registered in the phone, a plan started to form inside his head. Oh, he would have to play the bad card and Brian might be hurt but it was all worth it. Because, after that, he would have the chance to make it up to Brian, to explain him why he had to be such a cold hearted bastard.

 

One, two, three rings.

 

_Don’t do this. Don’t hurt him anymore._

Four, five, six rings. He wasn’t going to hurt him! Then, at the seventh, a click, static and then... then that beautiful and angelic voice.

 

He couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t help to greet him. “Hello, my love.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

** ** ** ** ** ** **

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hospitals. Brian hated them, hated that plain white walls, those fake plants at every corner and the paintings, cheap imitation of much more famous ones.

As much as he hated them, he still respected the people working inside, from the receptionist at the front desk to the doctors. Hospital were like a middle land between live and death, survivors that could walk out from it and victims that could only hope that hadn’t suffered too much before dying. Of course, between those extremes, were a different shades of situations but still he couldn’t brush off his own experience and how he learned that everything could change in a blink, going from good to worse and then back again.

 

That was the reason why, still fingers latched with his mom’s, he was trying to not think about Nick being there, somewhere in a surgery room and how many things could go wrong. _Don’t do that. He’s going to be fine, it was just a cast._

 

But he didn’t know his injuries. From the blood still on Nick’s face, he could guess he was going to have a concussion, but the fear about some worse injury was still there, mocking him as he tried to shake it off. A broken rib could meant so many things going wrong and none of them were reassuring. _It’s a broken leg, if he was worse they wouldn’t let you see him._ What if he couldn’t dance again? Not that his dance moves were perfect but they were still part of his works and he couldn’t imagine a band without Nick. Without Nick showing off for the delight of the fans, flirting with them. Hell, he couldn’t imagine Nick not playing basket with him, always sure that he could beat him and always have to resign.

 

He shifted position in the hard and uncomfortable chair he was sitting and tried to change the course of his thoughts. Once again, he felt helpless. Nick had always looked up at him, asked him for answer or for solutions to his problem and every time, he had solved them. Now, he couldn’t. And the only reason was that... well, he himself was the cause.

 

_It’s not your fault._ Oh, in his mind, he knew logically that it wasn’t his fault, Alex had shown him clearly and loudly. But inside his soul? The message hadn’t arrived and still it was convinced that in some twisted ways it was his fault. Nick was in the car because he was coming to him, coming because Zach hadn’t left him alone and he freaked out. Again. _You didn’t ask him to come, he did it because that’s what best friend do._

Brian knew he would have done the same exact thing or, better, he would had been by his side since the beginning. But... but that didn’t ease off the blame. _Stop with that. Just stop._

Finally, he opened up his eyes and glanced around the waiting room: they had been brought into the general one, full of others people waiting for their children, loved ones or simply a friend. He didn’t notice them at first, too wrapped around praying for Nick. Anxiety started to raise its waves inside him, startled by the amount of noises he had managed to shut off while so lost with his thoughts. That was the second time he found himself in a crowed place and it was the second time he felt like he was about to crawl out of his skin. Yes, it was a hospital and it had to be protected but... who knew! He didn’t like being like that, he didn’t like being so cautions about people he didn’t know and misjudging them only by fears, his own fears about being hurt again. 

 

He felt his mom’s grip tightened up, like she had sensed his uneasiness. Still, she stayed silent, knowing that words couldn’t help that time. He would feel better if Alex was there with him. Wasn’t too long his absence? _Calm, Micheal is with him._ But it was too long to just grab some coffee. Zach was going after him, that was for sure. Everything could happen because everyone had stated that Zach was only a crazy man but no one underlined how smart he was. Everything he had done, every action, had been planned with too much wealth of details to be done by a sick man driven only by his obsession. He was clever that much that he could mask himself as a nurse or a doctor and have all the freedom to go around and harm Alex.

 

“I’m gonna go find them.” He said getting up. Jackie and Harold looked at him confused, of course, since they didn’t hear all his internal thoughts.

 

“You’re okay?” Jackie asked, noticing the trembling hands Brian was trying to hide.

 

“Just need to find Alex.”

 

“We can call him, son. – Harold jumped in. – It’s not safe for you to wandered around.”

 

“It’s not safe for Alex. _He_ won’t  hurt me but he can hurt Alex.” Brian replied, shifting from foot to foot and arms wrapped around his waist.

 

“Brian...” Harold started to protest but a hand placed upon his own stopped him. Jackie just looked up to Brian and smiled. “Be safe.”

 

“Thanks mom.” With a smile back, Brian turned around and walked in the opposite direction from the one Aj and Micheal had taken minutes before. That way, he didn’t hear the doors opening or closing, neither he heard Aj calling him. The feeling of the walls closing in on him was getting bigger and the need to find Alex was only a superficial excuse. Not that he didn’t need his presence but he needed more to be able to breathe and put on rest his nerves. So he kept walking, one step behind another, only focusing on walking straight as halls and walls blend into together, blurring images and so distant in his mind.

 

Lost he was that at first he didn’t even hear the ring of his phone. He didn’t even remember picking it up after Nick’s call but it was still in his pocket, vibrating and sending a disrupted ringtone. Only one could call him and that would be Alex. The first thing it came into his mind was that something had happened to Nick: gosh, that it was almost an habit of those days, always thinking about something bad instead than be positive and optimistic. For what he knew, Nick could be already in his room, scolding because he wasn’t there like he had promised and already bored by the fact that he had to stay in bed and not walking around.  But why be optimistic when everything was always going wrong?

 

Brian pulled out from his pocket the phone and looked at the display, a frown appeared as soon as he read who was the caller. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be Nick the one calling, unless doctors had let him have his phone in the operation room. Who would have his number? Police? But it was Micheal who was dealing with that part of the accident and, if anything, Alex would take up the explanation just to let him not freak out. Gosh! How he hated that! Before this whole situation, he was the one, along with Kevin, who would always do the talks with management or the lawyers. Now, the mere thought of being in front of someone was enough to start a tiny panic attack, with sweating on his hands and cold trembles ranging around his nerves.

 

The phone still ringing and Brian decided to answer. He had to prove himself that he could be that man again, whoever was on the other side of the line wasn’t going to hurt him.

 

“Hello? Who is this?”

 

Static met him along with a defying silence. Maybe it was only a joke, maybe someone had found Nick’s phone and was only trying to find its owner.

 

“Hello, my love.”

 

Nothing had ever prepared him to that moment, the moment when he would hear again the voice that still haunted every minute and second of his life. He had tried to forget, tried to erase that memory but nothing had ever worked and now... now it was just too much of a nightmare. Those words, a whisper so loud in his ears, froze Brian. Cold ice gained control of every limbs and everything in the background disappeared, leaving him in the mercy of his worst nightmare. He could have screamed, he could have run until he was back in the waiting room where he would be safe. He could have done each of them and many others but he didn’t. From a place he didn’t know it still exited, he found a sheer and firm control. The fears were muted, the screams were locked down in the tight knot around his stomach and the grip on the phone became so tight that he could physically feel the strain in his fingers. This wasn’t the time to break down or being that weak body he had been from that night. Nick was in hospital, Alex could be the next one and everything depended on that phone call.

 

“Zach.” Brian rasped out as he opened the first door he found and got inside the room without even noticing what it was.

 

“Oh, so lovely of you to remember my name.” The voice was sweet, too sweet that seemed fake. And Brian knew it was a fake because no way in hell there could be a inch of sweetness in that man.

 

“You have Nick’s phone.”

 

“Yes, I found it still lying on the mud and I knew I had to have it so I could call you.”

 

He was pacing. Up and down, measured steps from the window to the door and then back again. “Why did you do that? Why hurt Nick?”

 

A laugh. Maniacal was the best adjective to describe it and a shiver ran down his spine. “You’re so naïve. And so trustworthy. You think that they’re your friends but they are manipulating you.”

 

“How?” He was going to follow his words, every information could be useful even if he didn’t know what he could do with them.

 

“Don’t you see? – The question was a scream, like Zach couldn’t believe his words. – They are telling you lies about me. About us. We’re meant to be together and they are trying to keep us apart.”

 

Oh gosh. Oh freaking goodness. He could feel his breaths coming more and more rapid and honestly this thing was scaring him. _Calm down. Act. If he felt that you’re scared, who knew what he would do the guys._ “I’m... I don’t believe them. – words forced out even if they made him feel sick. – You should know. You don’t have to hurt them, please.”

 

Zach mumbled something, what Brian couldn’t hear because he must had put away the phone. But he caught some glimpse and it seemed like he was talking, no arguing, with someone else. Oh, damn, how many more people were with him? What was that, a big Brian Obsessed Fan Club? “I was trying to protect you. It’s my job, I love you so much that I can’t bear to see you like that. Being a person you don’t like because people don’t get how much we love each other. - Nausea was slowly rising up, Brian could sense that flamed liquid burning everything inside him during its travel. He swallowed repeatedly and licked his dried lips, trying to not scream. – I have to. But you don’t worry, as soon as I take care of that rebel, you and I can be together. Finally.” 

 

The implied message was worse than a punch in the gut. It left him with no air and for a second he could only see black dots swirling around his view. Before he could think about a response, a screamed _“no!”_ escaped from his lips in a cry.

 

“No? What do you mean with no?”

 

The harsh tone brought Brian back. His mind ran wildly trying to come up with something, anything that could help him to save Alex. Nothing mattered more than that, nothing could prevent him to do the only thing he was still able to do.

 

“You don’t want to be with me? What did they tell you?”

 

Zach was still ranting about how devil his friends were and all Brian could think was that he had to find a way to stop him. How was the main problem. What he could say to talk Zack out about killing Aj? The thought was there, waiting for him to acknowledge him, but it was too scary. Too disgusting. But it was the only one. A deep breath and then he started his act, hoping that Zach could just believe every little word. “Of course I want to be with you. – Brian said with gritted teeth. – But you don’t have to harm him.”

 

“My love, always so sweet. I have to. He doesn’t take a no as an answer, he’s forcing you to stay with him. I have to.”

 

“Please Zach. Think... think about the consequences.” Brian tried to reason.

 

“I’m thinking about them. The only effect would be you being with me.”

 

“Police is after you, Zach. If something happens to Aj, you would be the first they would look for. If they found you, we won’t be together.” Gosh, how much it hurt him to say those words. He wanted the police to find him, but not on the expense of Alex’s wellbeing.

 

“Trust me. Police is too stupid. They won’t find me.”

 

“I don’t want you to take any risk. Please, if nothing, just do it for me. Don’t hurt them anymore.” He didn’t care if it seemed like he was begging.

 

“I... Brian, they need to know! They need to know that you’re mine.”

 

Brian wanted to scream but he knew he couldn’t. “What... – he swallowed hard before force out his last attempt to save Alex. – What if I come to you? If I do, if I go with you, will you leave Aj alone?” It took every strain of self control to say those words, he just hoped that Zach would just accept because he didn’t know how much he could hold on.

 

“You really love me?” Zach asked in a voice that Brian could only labeled as hopeful.

 

“You know I do.” Oh no, he couldn’t say those words. In the back of his mind, those words belonged to Alex, not to a crazy psycho man. Silence followed his statement. He didn’t even noticed that he wasn’t pacing anymore, truthfully he wasn’t moving at all. He was on the floor, his back propped against the cold tile of the walls and a white door was looking at him.

 

“I believe you. – Zach pronounced after a minute. – If you come, they will know the truth.”

 

Relief swept through him, the first time he could feel warm again. His heart was beating furiously, beating a prayer of thanks directed to God. “Yes. They’ll know and they won’t do nothing to stop us.”

 

“Then... I guess, I can spare that rebel. He should be grateful that you’re a pure soul, so gentle.”

 

“Give me one day. I have to make sure that they don’t follow me.” Brian rushed to close the call, a frail rope was the only thing that was letting him having a little control over the panic that was threaten to come in vengeance.

 

“One day. No more than twenty - four hours. I can’t wait to see you.”

 

“Me too.” He choked out. Leaning his head against the wall, he closed his eyes as a tear escaped from the barrier provided by the eyelids. Maybe, if he opened them, he would find out that it had only been a nightmare and he hadn’t sold his soul to the devil.  Vaguely, he heard Zach murmuring something about the woods, although he knew that the information had been mesmerized by his mind. Vaguely, he heard himself saying that he would be there and then the click that told him that the call had ended. Now he could stop pretending to be strong, pretending to know that he knew how to fight back a panic attack. The wheezing sound echoed in the bathroom – finally he had found out where he was, seeing sinks and stalls -  matching or alternating with the faster and faster beating of his heart. Before he could lose the last energy, he sent text to Alex, hoping that he would find him. He had to digit the words more than once, his fingers kept sliding because of the cold sweats.

 

_“Help panic attk bthrm idk where”_

The phone slipped from his hands, a thump that seemed much louder and yet still muffled by the many more noises, frightening sounds coming from his own body. Surrender was an hypnotic siren, singing sweetly and tempting about a place where there would be no pain and without a dread weight placed on his chest, marching the words that, no matter what, his life had taken the most wrong path and nothing could ever free him.

 

But it didn’t stop him to fight. If it had been some days ago, long before he had know about Alex, he would have gladly given up, finally thankful to be able to stop the pain. But now, even in the aftermath of that phone call, Brian didn’t lose the will to fight. He fought for every breaths that didn’t want to come out and for every breaths that didn’t want to come in. He fought the nausea, he fought the sense of become weaker and weaker as the minutes went by and his vision blurred until he could only see out of focus and objects were only a mix of colors. It was a losing fight, that he knew, but he wasn’t going to give up.

 

Just when he thought he couldn’t hold anymore, the sweet and angelic voice of Alex made it through the haziness around his mind. Then he let go, he let himself being pulled inside Alex’s arms. It could have been the last time, that he didn’t know.

 

He gave himself to Alex and everything finally stopped. No more nausea, no more being hard to breath. Only darkness.

     

 

 

 

 

** ** ** ** **

 

 

 

 

Kevin turned the page of the book he was reading for the past hours. Better say, ha was trying to read it because he had spent half of the time looking carefully at the boy sleeping in the hospital bed and the other half trying to make sense about everything that had happened since... well, since it all begun.

 

He felt completely useless, a feeling that he had felt only few times in his life, although they had been the worst moments he had to go through.

He felt useless staring at Brian still deep in the drugged sleep and remembering the frantic call he had received from Aj, the search thought all the floors of a too big hospital knowing that any minute could be fatal. Last time Brian had a panic attack of that level, he gave up. Maybe it hadn’t been intentional, maybe he had been too tired and exhausted to fight but that time he had surrendered. This time it had been different but not less scary: finding him in a bathroom, appearing smaller than he had ever been and that look in his eyes, the only voice left inside that he could use to scream for help. After that, after those slowly moments when it seemed that the only people in the room were Brian and Aj, everything went in a flash: doctors, nurses, those orders that Kevin could understand and spoke about something much worse than a simple attack, the fear liking everyone in the waiting room, only broken for a split second about the news that Nick was okay and ready to be brought back in his room. Then, they were back in that waiting game so tiring, no one speaking but holding each other to the fact that Brian was fighting. Gosh, how could he forget the look on Aj’s face? Alone in a corner, curled up and mostly battling himself up about all the things he should have done and he didn’t do.

 

Still, no one knew what could have trigger that kind of blown. Stress, tiredness... Brian’s doctor had come up with every reasons possible but still Aj wasn’t sure about them. And, honestly, even Kevin himself couldn’t agree with the diagnosis. Because he had seen Brian, he had witness the change in his cousin, how he had gone from being just a shell of his former self to someone who was trying to build himself up again. Consequently, it had to be something very big and deep if Brian had been reduced like that, like a broken doll without strings.

 

Only Brian could tell them and it was going to be another hour before he would wake up. That was why he was there while Aj was with Nick. At first, no one wanted to tell the younger the truth but just like Brian could sense when something was wrong with Nick, the same sense had Nick refusing to believe the lie that Brian was speaking with Micheal. So Aj was down trying to keep Nick in the bed, after promised that no soon as Brian was awake, they would have them room together.

 

Kevin resumed the line he was reading, missing the little flick of Brian’s eyelids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

** ** ** ** **

 

 

 

 

 

Consciousness slipped through the waves of blackness that surrounded him, bringing along the returned feeling of being a body and not only a soul swimming in a infinite ocean of nothing. Before even trying to open his eyes, Brian tried to clear the fog around his brain. This time he remembered clearly where he was and why he was lying in a hospital bed, tubes sticking out of his arms and probably a mask over his face, judging by the amount of fresh and pure oxygen he was able to breathe.

Aside from the steady beat of his heart, silence surrounded him. Was he alone in the room? Before anxiety could rise above the normal level, he reminded himself that no way in heaven Alex would leave him alone. If only by a few minutes, that he could manage. Because it gave him time to think and reconsider what happened in the bathroom.

 

Zach and their deal, a pact made by himself. It made him sick just thinking about being near that man and he himself had proposed to go with him? Yes, he had done that and he would have done it countless times if it meant hearing Zach saying that he would spare Alex. Now he just had to think how to run away without no one noticing. This panic attack didn’t help him, though, since most likely he would be locked in that room until the day after and then followed closely by... everyone. There went his resolution: making sure everybody believed him in his act of being okay and alright to be left alone at the house, maybe manipulating Aj into staying with Nick so he couldn’t stopped him. Would he be able to lie to Alex? That was something he wasn’t good anymore, for the man had become so much part of himself that he knew him more than Brian knew himself. It would take a little hesitation, a misplaced word and Alex could uncovered his plan. And Lord had mercy on him if that would happen!

 

He tried to change position but that little movement brought pains and stiffness from muscles and bones and Brian couldn’t stop the groan.

 

“Brian? You awake?” The voice belonged to Kevin, so someone was indeed by his side.

 

“I guess.” He replied, removing the mask while opening his eyes and waited for everything to focus. The more he was awake, the more he become aware about how dry his throat felt or how just awful he was feeling. But Kevin had must sensed something because a glass of water appeared on his hand, with the recommendation to slip it slowly. He drank it slowly, the cold liquid felt wonderful and made his mind clearer. “Where is Alex?”

 

“He’s with Nick. He was the only one who managed to stop him to come up here with you.”

 

Nick. It made him smile thinking how Nick would always said that he wasn’t able to protect him and then he was the one being the most protective between them. “How is he?”

 

“Frustrated because of the cast. – Kevin replied with a laugh. – They wanted him to use a wheelchair but he had bickered until they agreed to let him use the crutches. He’s worried. All of us are. What happened, Brian?”

 

Brian lowered his gaze, biting the inside of his lip. “Bathroom. I went in and then realized that the last time I had been in a public restroom... I met Zach there.”

 

Kevin didn’t reply, taking a moment to think over his words. It was plausible but still it didn’t convinced him at all. And the fact that Brian wouldn’t met his eyes was telling that it was more than a simple memory. “What else?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Brian, I know you. I know that there is something else. The last time you had an attack like that... – In that moment, Kevin made the connection. The last panic attack that severe happened after Brian had seen Zach in the backstage of the show. – Zach. Zach was there, didn’t he?”

 

“No.” Brian denied firmly.

 

“Don’t lie.”

 

“I’m not lying. He wasn’t there. Not at least physically.” He added, knowing that he couldn’t keep on his excuse. And, maybe, telling Kevin could offer him an alley, someone who could help him in taking far from him Alex.

 

“What do you mean?” Kevin asked in a worry tone.

 

“He has Nick’s phone. He found it on the ground and took it. Then he called me.”

 

“Oh shit. - No wonder Brian had panicked like that. Half of himself didn’t want to hear but he knew that in that moment Brian mattered most. – What did he say?”

 

“The same things he always says. – Brian downplayed, not really wanting to reveal too much. – He loves me, he thinks that you are all telling me lies about him. That we belonged together.”

 

Kevin passed a hand on his face, letting out a frustrated moan. “Man, he’s that crazy?”

 

“Yes. – Brian answered, his fingers playing mindless with the brim of the white sheet. – That’s why he’s going after you guys. In his eyes, you’re the obstacles between him and me. If he removed them, we could be together.”

 

“That’s why he caused Nick’s accident. And Aj’s drugs.”

 

“He won’t stop until he has me, Kevin. And it’s not difficult to see who would be his next target.”

 

“Aj.”

 

“Alex. - Brian breathed out, the agony vividly impressed in his tone. He raised up his eyes and locked with the emerald ones. – I can’t let it happen, Kevin. I can’t stay here and doing nothing while he tries to kill Alex. I just... I can’t.”

 

Fear gripped Kevin’s soul, twisted it around in a death lock. He didn’t like what Brian was saying. Not at all. “We won’t let it happen, Brian. I’ll call Micheal, he can trace down Nick’s phone and...”

 

“Bet he’d already got rid of it. He might be crazy but he’s very clever. He won’t do any mistakes.”

 

“What do you suggest?”

 

“I... – for a moment, Brian’s voice got caught inside his throat. It wasn’t going to be easy buy Kevin had to understand why he was doing that. – I talked him out.”

 

“How?”

 

“I made a deal with him.”

 

A deal? Brian had made a deal with that man? He was about to ask him what kind of deal but then... it clicked. Unselfish as he was, he had promised Zach the only thing that he wanted. “Tell me you didn’t.”

 

Brian didn’t falter neither he lowered his gaze. Firm as he could be, he kept his eyes upon the older ones. “I did what it was needed.”

 

“Needed? Needed?” Kevin asked in a rage, anger masking his fears. The chair fell backwards and he was soon pacing in front of the bed, where Brian just sat there and looked too calm. Of course he was calm, it was like he had already decided that nothing could talk him out of this and boy if he was stubborn!

 

“Needed. Yes. I won’t let Aj be hurt, even if it’s a single hair. Not because of me, not because someone is this obsessed with me.”

 

“Don’t you think about the consequences? Zach can hurt you!”

 

“Oh, like he had raped me? Or how he had tortured me? He’s already hurt me and he won’t kill me. Therefore, I’m not afraid. What he can do is something he’s already done. But it will hurt me more, no, it will kill me and shatter me if I let him close to the ones I love.”

 

“We just want to protect you.” Kevin tried to male Brian reasoning.

 

“I want it too. So, why it is fair for you to be hurt because you want to protect me but it isn’t right for me to do the same thing?”

 

Kevin didn’t know how to reply. Because Brian was right but it didn’t seem fair all of it. “It’s not the same thing.”

 

“Why? Why it isn’t? – Brian asked back. – It’s the same thing. You guys love me so you want me to be safe. And the same goes with me. Put yourself in my shoes: if someone threaten Kristin’s safety because of you, won’t you do the same thing? Won’t you do all that you can to ensure her safety?”

 

Busted. With that statement, Brian had probably won every other fights. Because it was the true, if he was in Brian’s position, he would have done the same thing. Nothing mattered more than Kristin. He sat down on Brian’s bed and took a hand in his. Before he could say something, Brian tightened up their grip. “It’s the only way and you know it, Kevin. I don’t like it, I don’t wanna be separated from Alex but if it means that he’s safe and that he can still live... that’s what I’m going to do.”

 

“When?”

 

“Tomorrow. And I need your help.”

 

A frown appeared between his eyebrows. “You want me to keep him silent?”

 

“He can’t know, Kevin. He can’t. I don’t know how I will be able to play it cool and let him think that I can be alone just enough so I can sneak out. I need you to help me. I know I’m asking you too much but... will you? Please?”

 

Kevin knew he was going to regret his decision. He didn’t like it, even if it was the most logical thing to do under the circumstances. But it was Brian’s choice and he had to trust him on this. “I don’t know if you’re more stupid or just the most courage person I’ve ever meet.” He admitted, silently accepting what Brian was asking him.

 

“I just love Alex.” Brian commented, in his eyes a light was showing more gratitude than words could ever meant. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable24.html


	25. Twenty - Fourth Chapter

Twenty - Fourth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How many more Goddam things were going to go wrong? AJ felt that thought rage through him as he sat in the hard chair in the waiting room of the hospital. He barely noticed his fingers, tangled up in the hem of his shirt, twisting and twirling. It was the only outward sign of the stress that was boiling in him. His eyes, hidden behind his sunglasses, would have betrayed him if anyone could see them.

Half of his problem at the moment was that he wanted to be back in that hospital room with Brian and he wasn’t allowed to go back there. Just because he wasn’t family, they wouldn’t allow him in there. How dare they? Didn’t they know anything? It took almost every ounce of restraint he possessed to sit there in the waiting room instead of pushing his way past everyone and making a beeline to Brian’s room. He’d been down to see Nick already, spending the whole time reassuring him that Brian was ok, until finally the meds kicked in and Nick had gone under into the healing world of sleep. That had left AJ to go back to the waiting room and take up his post once more in a chair.

Had it been only hours ago that he and Brian had lain in bed together, watching Disney movies with each other? The feeling of Brian in his arms, warm and strong and so perfect, helped AJ keep his composure. Just the fact that they could lay like that now was such a big step from how they’d started this ordeal. Back then, Brian had barely even been able to let their hands touch. Now he was able to lie in AJ’s arms, letting AJ hold him close, and trust AJ enough to stay like that while they slept.

There was no one with more strength in them than Brian. Even when the man thought he was broken, there was this steel inside of him that just refused to break. Maybe it bent a little under the weight every now and again, but it was always there.

But how long could someone be pushed down? How many times could that steel bend before it finally warped and snapped? There were only so many times you could expect someone to get knocked flat before they just don’t have the strength to get back up anymore.

This latest thing was going to wear on them all. It honestly scared AJ, something that he hated. He hated to be afraid. But, to think that Zach had ran Nick off the road! That wasn’t something petty. That wasn’t simple, like drugging someone. That was intent to murder. Nick was extremely lucky that his injuries were so minor. It could have been so much worse.

A chill ran down AJ’s spine as he thought what it would have been like if they’d arrived to find Nick seriously injured, or worse. That would have been the breaking point for Brian. Hell, for all of them! As it was, it was amazing Brian had held himself together through this all.

Thinking of Brian took him to thoughts of what had happened. The terror that he’d felt when his phone had buzzed with the text message from Brian. Had he ever been more scared in his entire life than when he’d raced through the hospital, searching bathroom to bathroom to find the one he loved? He couldn’t remember a time.

Then he’d found Brian and had discovered that his fear could indeed grow. Brian had looked so small, so lost, curled up the way that he was.

With a small shudder, AJ drew himself away from those thoughts. He banished them from his mind, refusing to think on it, wanting only to think on the here and now. Something was going on. Stress, the doctors had said. Exhaustion. Lack of nutrition. A million and one different reasons, in their eyes, that this could have happened.

AJ didn’t believe a one of them.

For one thing, he’d seen Brian at his best and worst ever since this whole thing had started. He knew the difference between Brian’s fear, his exhaustion, his panic attacks, and his terror. This was terror. Almost as bad as the terror that had been on Brian’s face right after the first attack.

But the little that he’d had a chance to talk to Brian, his lover had been wholeheartedly on the doctors’ side. Stress, he’d agreed. The night had just been too much for him. If that wasn’t the biggest piece of bullshit, AJ would eat his own hat. There wasn’t any point in arguing it at the moment, though. Right now they needed to focus on healing their two friends.

AJ told himself he’d get the truth out of Brian later. One way or another, he’d figure it out, even if he had to watch Brian like a hawk. Because, in the back of AJ’s mind, he had a feeling he already knew what had caused this. He knew that only one thing, one person, would inspire that severe of a panic attack in Brian.

Zach.

That rotten son of a bitch. AJ wanted nothing more than to put his hands around Zach’s neck and squeeze for all he was worth. He’d snap that bastard’s little neck. As he closed his eyes and indulged in his murderous thoughts, AJ lost track of those around him. So when a pair of hands settled over top of his left hand it almost startled him straight out of his skin.

His eyes shot up, locking on to the familiar dark eyes of his best friend. “Shit, Howie.” He breathed out. “You almost stopped my heart!”

Howie’s expression was serious as he looked down at where he still held AJ’s hand. “And you were about to rip your skin to shreds.” He shot back quietly. That drew AJ’s gaze down as well. Surprised, he saw the long scratches on his arm, red and white. Thankfully he hadn’t broken the skin yet. Jesus, he hadn’t even realized he was doing it! Just like he hadn’t realized how much his hands were trembling until he looked at them now. The last thing he needed was to have the shakes. Sure as rain was wet, Brian would try to pamper him if he saw this.

Seeking to distract from his own obvious problems, AJ looked back up at Howie. “You been to see Nick or Bri yet? I’m sure they’d appreciate a visit. Nick’s doing pretty good, all things considered. He was pretty groggy when I left him.”

“It’s not going to work, Alexander James.” Howie told him sternly. “I already saw the both of them, almost the instant I arrived a half an hour ago, though I had to sneak back to see Brian. They’re concerned about him and would only let family back there, so I snuck past the nurses. You can’t distract me by talking about them. I know they’re ok now. At least, as ok as can be. Now I want to know about you.”

AJ’s eyes darted around the waiting room, trying to make sure no one was close enough to hear them. “I’m fine, Howie, geeze. You know the cravings just take a little while to burn out.”

“You’re talking to me now, AJ. I won’t fall for that evasive bull. To someone who knows you as well as I do, you look as brittle as glass. _Talk to me_.”

One look into Howie’s eyes had some of AJ’s resolve crumbling. There was a reason this man was his best friend. If he couldn’t talk to him, who could he talk to? Still, giving in wasn’t easy for him. Even as he let his walls down, he still beat around the bush a little as he spoke. “I’m not that bad, D. Just a little stressed, you know? But who wouldn’t be with something like this. It’s a naturally stressful situation, right?”

Now that AJ was talking, Howie was content to slowly draw it out of him. He still squatted in front of AJ, still held his hand, but his gaze was patient now. He knew AJ well enough to know how to decipher what he said. “Of course it is. All of us are stressing over it.”

“Yeah, exactly. I mean, ok, I’m a little worried about things. About Brian and Nick. And you guys. But that’s normal too. It’s not nothing I can’t handle.” AJ stopped and blew out a frustrated breath. His tone was a little more brisk now as he forced himself to tell the truth. “I’m dealing with it ok, I guess. I’m furious, D. I want to find this man and rip him to shreds. I want to wrap my hands around his fucking throat and strangle him.”

AJ didn’t notice that Jackie was heading toward them and he didn’t see how Howie lifted one hand to gesture her away. Now that things were spilling out of him, he couldn’t stop them. His eyes stared sightlessly at the floor.

“I’m scared, Howie. Absolutely fucking terrified. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I’m worried I’m going to fuck it up. Brian matters so much to me. I can’t stop myself from worrying about him. But now I’m scared for everyone else, too. What if Zach tries a little harder with Nick next time? What if he comes after you, or Kevin, or any of Brian’s family? This man is insane. He might decide all of you are obstacles that are in his way. I can’t be around everyone, all the time. I can’t keep everyone I love safe. And at the same time, by not keeping you guys safe, I’m not just hurting myself, it’s hurting Brian too.”

Amazement arrowed through Howie for a moment. Then he shook his head softly. “You don’t once mention being scared for yourself in there, Alex.” He told his friend.

The idea genuinely surprised AJ. “Scared for myself? Why the hell would I be?”

“If Zach is going to think anyone is a big threat to his cause, it’d be you. You’re the one he’s going to want to remove the most. You’re the weak link to Brian, too. He has to know that just by watching you guys.”

The look that came into AJ’s eyes could only be described as fierce and a little wild. “Let him come after me.” He hissed out. “I just dare the little fucker to come after me. Then we’d finally be done with this nightmare.”

He would have said more, but he suddenly over Howie’s shoulder that the doors to the back were opening and Kevin and Brian were walking out. The two were talking about something, almost looking like they were arguing, but Brian’s gaze found AJ almost instantly and his words cut off with a snap. Suspicion grew in AJ. Oh, yeah, something was going on. What it was, he had no idea, but it was something.

Without breaking eye contact, AJ rose to his feet. He felt Howie’s hand drop away but he paid it no attention.

“The doc said I’m ready to go home.” Brian said as he reached AJ. They stood a good half foot apart, eyes locked, almost oblivious to everyone around them. “Just some rest and try to keep my stress level low so that doesn’t happen again.”

So Brian was going to keep up this charade, was he? In one look, AJ could see that Brian was lying, and that Brian knew that AJ knew he was lying. But neither of them called him out on it. AJ nodded slightly, not just to Brian’s spoken words, but to the unspoken ones as well. He would let this ride for now. “Let’s get you home then, Bri.”

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

It took another forty five minutes before everyone even loaded up in their cars. Jackie was staying at the hospital so she could be with Nick and, if they allowed it, to bring him home later that night. It was still up in the air whether he would be released or if they were keeping him overnight for observation.

Brian and AJ rode in the back of Micheal’s car again, holding hands the same as they had the last time. But this time they weren’t riding in terror. They both rode in exhaustion, their eyes trying to slide shut. AJ felt like each time he blinked, another ten or fifteen minutes passed. The ride home passed by quickly this way and the two soon found themselves back in the Littrell house.

Amusement filled AJ when, not even five minutes later, he and Brian were heading down the hall toward the bedroom. Everyone had wasted on time, ganging up on the two of them and insisting that they head to be after being up for so long. Honestly, and Brian hadn’t really put up much of a fight. They hadn’t slept much lately and they were both pretty tired.

At the end of the hallway, Brian lightly touched AJ’s arm, stopping them both. For the first time all evening, he looked at AJ without shadows in his eyes. The intensity of his stare had the words drying up in AJ’s mouth.

“Do, uh…do you think you could, you know.” Brian stopped, rubbing a hand over his face before he continued. “Will you come hold me tonight? I don’t think I can sleep on my own.”

Every worry, every fear, every line of stress melted away from AJ in that moment. There was such a vulnerable look to Brian at that moment, so sweet and beautiful. He brought his fingers up and let the tips of them brush against Brian’s cheek. “Of course I will.” He murmured. The smile he received in turn was bright enough to light up the day.

Together they moved into the bedroom. Brian didn’t waste time before shutting off the light as he came in. Both men toed off their shoes against the wall and tossed their coats on a chair. In no time at all they were both in the bed, tucked underneath the blankets, clad in just their shorts and shirts. AJ sighed into the mattress. God, the bed felt wonderful after those stupid hospital chairs.

Yawning, he reached an arm over and snagged Brian, sweeping him over so that Brian’s head was pillowed on his shoulder. He felt Brian startle for a moment and then relax. His heart warmed when Brian put a hand over his heart and actually cuddle a little against his side.

Neither said a word. They were content to just be with one another at the moment and know that each one was safe.

Just as AJ was about to drift off to sleep, Brian shifted against him and whispered “Thanks.”

Absently, AJ dropped a kiss on top of his curls. “Anytime.”

It felt good to lie there with Brian snuggled up against him. AJ began drifting, easily dropping off toward sleep. He mumbled a little when Brian shifted against him, almost stirring himself awake, but Brian wasn’t moving away, just moving closer, so AJ sighed and smiled. Then, the last thing in the world he’d expected to happen; Brian’s soft mouth was pressing against his.

Shock was the only thing AJ felt at first. It wiped his brain completely clean. All that was left was sensation. The feel of Brian’s warm, soft lips against his. The touch of the body spread against his own. Without any thought, he found himself sinking in to the kiss, unable to do anything else. There was no room for clear thought in his mind.

Then his brain kicked back into gear, flying straight into overdrive, when he felt Brian’s hand slide down his chest and over his hip. At any other time there would have been no thought. AJ would have easily and willingly taken Brian up on the blatant offer. But there was one thing that was a surefire way to rule out over passion. Fear. Brian’s fear. He could feel the trembles in Brian’s hand; feel it spreading through his love’s whole body. All of that screamed one thing. Brian wasn’t ready for this.

It took an immense effort, but somehow AJ managed to reach down and snag a hold of Brian’s wrist, halting his hand in its tracks. A small whimper slid past Brian’s lips, spiking AJ’s worry even higher. He broke their kiss, shifting and rolling his body so that he was lying on his side, facing Brian. He brought his hand up between them; the hand still holding Brian’s wrist. “Brian, honey, what’s going on?”

“I just…” Brian’s voice was breathy and AJ knew it wasn’t from passion. “I wanted to try.”

AJ brought Brian’s hand further up so he could kiss his knuckles. “And we will, honey. When you’re ready and not a moment before that.”

“I can’t let this rule my life, Alex. I think I’m going to just have to make myself. If I keep waiting to be ready, I doubt I ever will. I trust you enough to try with you. I just, I’m tired of being afraid of it. I want to try.”

The words seemed all right but they were at odds with the shadows AJ saw in Brian’s eyes. There was something else going on here too. Something more. What on earth had happened today? What was going on with his Brian? He knew if he pressed it, Brian would clam up tight as can be. He was going to have to do this delicately. “If we try when you’re this scared by it, it’ll never work. You have to want it, at least a little, or the pleasure will never override the pain.”

This time the something that flashed into Brian’s eyes was unmistakable. It had AJ flabbergasted. Plain as day, he saw the fear and the insecurity, followed quickly by hurt. “Bri?”

With one quick move, Brian started to roll away from him. Thankfully AJ had quick reflexes. He managed to stop him. “Bri, wait. Stop. Just talk to me.”

“There’s no point in talking about this.” Brian sand angrily. He made a small sniffling sound in the dark that made AJ wince. “I get the picture, Alex. It’s fine.”

“I don’t think you do. Please, just talk to me. You threw me for a loop here.”

That had Brian pausing. “Gee, thanks. The idea of making love to me throws you for a loop, huh? Well, at least I know what’s what now.”

“Excuse me?” AJ couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He pulled on Brian’s wrist again, trying to keep him in the bed when he felt Brian try to tug away again. What the hell was going on here? One second he was being kissed and now he was having this thrown at him! What the holy hell was going on?

Brian actually sounded a little angry when he answered. “You heard me. Look, I know where I’m not wanted. Obviously that’s here. I thought you wanted me, I thought you wanted to try, but I was wrong. End of story. I can’t blame you, anyways. Who the hell would want someone like me? Now, if you’d just let me up so I can get the heck out of here…”

Someone like him? The anger and the pain in that speech snapped the last of AJ’s already fragile control. There was only so damn much that a man could be expected to take! Furious, he rolled his body over, effectively pinning Brian down to the bed. His hips ground down, pressing them together in the most intimate way. “Does this feel like I don’t want you, Brian Thomas Littrell?” he snapped out. His obvious arousal was trapped between them.

Common sense kicked back in when he felt Brian give a full body shudder beneath him. That wasn’t a shudder of pleasure, either. Suddenly disgusted with himself, AJ let go of Brian completely and rolled to the side, flopping down on his back. He stared sightlessly at the ceiling. Damn it, he needed to get control of himself before he did any worse damage. What the hell had he been thinking, to do something like that?

Still not touching, AJ spoke in a soft voice. “Until the day you and I can touch like that and you don’t flinch, I won’t agree to this. Not until you’re ready. Only when you look at me and I know you see me.” Looking sideways, AJ stared at the profile of Brian’s face in the shadowed room. “When we do make love, Brian, I only want there to be two people in this bed.”

“What if I can’t let go like that?”

“I think you will, one day.” AJ answered. “But, even if you never do, I’ll still be here. Just don’t ever try to force yourself for more than you’re ready for, Bri. I’m not going anywhere.”

There were tears in Brian’s voice when he spoke this time. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

Ok, yeah, as if he hadn’t felt like shit before, it was now blatantly clear. AJ did the only thing he could think of to do. He brought his arm out and snagged Brian around the shoulders as he’d done earlier, pulling him over until Brian’s head was resting on his shoulder. He felt Brian’s small flinch, felt his body stiffen just a little, but when Brian realized that AJ was only snuggling them again, he practically melted against AJ’s side.

AJ pressed a kiss against the crown of Brian’s head. “I shouldn’t have snapped back at you either, honey.” He said. Sighing out a breath, AJ looked up at the ceiling and tried to concentrate on their conversation and on keeping his body under control. “It just drove me crazy to think that you would actually feel like I don’t want you.”

“My heart knows you do. It’s the rest of me that doesn’t believe it.”

“Yeah, I can understand that.” And he could, really. It helped him calm down some to think about it. That was a feeling he could relate to. “It took me a long time after rehab to believe someone might actually want me for me. Anytime someone hit on me, I thought they were faking it, or that they’d heard how easy I was and were just looking to get an easy lay.”

Against his shoulder, Brian shuffled a little, tipping his head up some so that their eyes met. “Really? But you’re such an attractive guy! Heck, you get hit on all the time.”

A smile spread over AJ’s lips. “You think I’m attractive, huh? Well that’s a bonus.” He chuckled. “Anyways, yeah I felt that way. I’d fucked my way through quite a few people, Bri. Being famous and all, how do I know they didn’t tell all their friends that they slept with AJ Mclean and boy was he easy to get into bed?”

“I never thought of that. I guess…I guess you do understand. Again.” The smile that lit Brian’s face was small, but it made the last of the stress lines disappear. “There’s no one who seems to understand me quite the way you do, Age.”

“It’s mutual, honey. You understand me so much better than anyone else in the world. I trust you more than I trust anyone, even Howie.”

The sudden flush to Brian’s cheeks and the way Brian dropped his face down told AJ that his suspicions had been right. Brian was keeping something from him. Dammit! There was only one topic that AJ could see Brian hiding anything on and it was the worst topic to hide things from him. But, AJ pushed back the questions on the tip of his tongue. It had been a rough day. Tomorrow was soon enough to try and find out what was going on. And, if he didn’t find out by being nice, he’d corner Brian a little and pull it out of him somehow.

The room drifted off into silence but for the sounds of nature outside the window. AJ didn’t sleep, but he drifted in the in-between stage of sleep and waking. At first, he barely registered when Brian pulled away from him and climbed from the bed. He started to stir, but he saw that Brian was just heading to the bathroom so he settled back down. If Brian took too long in there, he’d go check on him and make sure he wasn’t having problems. Couldn’t have been a nightmare, because those woke Brian up in an almost violent way.

Ten minutes went past and AJ was stirring himself enough to finally get up and go check when the door opened and Brian came back out.

Warning bells went off in AJ’s mind. Brian was fully dressed, straight down to his shoes. He moved across the room and to the door, opening it as silently as possible. Then he was out the door and gone. AJ listened for a minute as Brian went down the hall. What the hell? Maybe Brian was just going to get a snack. Maybe he was just taking a walk. He liked to walk sometimes when his mind was full.

Bullshit.

AJ flew up from the bed, snagging his jeans off the floor beside him and yanking them on. This had something to do with the way Brian had been acting since that panic attack. Dammit, dammit, dammit! He should have pressed Brian about it earlier. What the hell was that man doing? AJ couldn’t explain the urgency he felt. But it ate at him as he grabbed his combat boots and pulled them on without even bothering with his socks.

He laced them up as quickly as possible and then was pulling his shirt on even as he stood up. He snagged his coat on the way out the door. When he reached the main part of the house, everything was dark. Where had Brian gone? Obviously he wasn’t inside the house. There were no lights on.

Then he saw it. The patio door leading out back was open just a little. AJ wasted no time. He was off toward the door and outside in a flash. Quickly he scanned the area around him. Off in the distance, just entering a copse of trees, he caught sight of Brian’s jacket. Where on God’s green earth was that man going?

AJ had to move fast to keep Brian in his line of sight. The further into the trees they went, though, the more he began to worry. He picked up his pace. What the  _fuck_  was going on? All AJ knew was that there was something wrong. Horribly, terribly wrong. A house appeared in the distance, its windows dark. AJ had just opened his mouth to call out Brian’s name, his concern growing and morphing into full-fledged terror, when something hard caught him in the side of the head.

The world spun around him, exploding in bright colors of pain. He barely registered hitting the ground. Reality started to come back to him, the world straightening from its twirling, when he felt something go around his wrists and tighten. Too late, though. His head cleared in just enough time to realize that his hands and ankles were now held with zip ties. He was stuck.

AJ lifted his eyes. For the first time he met the gaze of the one person in the world he would happily kill with his bare hands. The terror he felt was pushed down underneath a wave of rage. “You son of a bitch.” He spat out.

With a smile that held a wealth of insanity to it, Zach shook his head. “I tried to tell him about you.” He said. There was a slight hint of almost humor to his voice. “But he wouldn’t believe me.” Like the flip of a switch, Zach was suddenly furious, squatting down by AJ’s head, his hand snaking down to grab AJ’s hair and yank his head up. “I told him to come alone and he brings you with him? He  _lied_  to me.”

It didn’t take much, even with the jackhammers pounding at the inside of his skull, for AJ to make the logical leap. Zach had talked to Brian today at the hospital. That was what had triggered the panic attack. Brian was out here right now to meet up with him. The most important thing in all of this was Brian’s safety. This man was unbalanced. “He snuck out on me so I followed him. He didn’t ‘bring’ me anywhere.”

Just as quick, the anger was gone from Zach’s face. “He  _does_  love me.” He breathed out. With an absent gesture he threw AJ’s head to the ground. “What am I going to do with you now?” The man looked up, off to his side. “Shut up! No one asked you!”

A chill spread down AJ’s spine. Zach was talking like there was someone there. Did he have help? But a quick look around showed no one else was around them. Still Zach spoke to the air. “I’ll take care of him. Brian loves me. He’ll understand. This bastard followed him! He’s trying to keep us apart! Brian won’t be mad at me!”

Zach suddenly swung at the air like he was trying to hit someone. “I told you shut up! You’re dead, I killed you! Why do you haunt me? I’ll do what I want!”

Oh sweet God. He was talking to ghosts of people he killed? This man was crazier than they’d known. AJ shifted a little, trying to figure out a way to get out of this. Zach was distracted right now. Maybe he could roll away. If he could reach his pocket, his keys were in there. Those might be strong enough to break through the zip ties if he got somewhere he could sit and work at it.  _Think fast, Mclean! He’s talking to dead people about what to do with you._

“No, no, you’re right. Brian would be mad if I killed him right now. He’s so kind hearted. My sweet boy. But there’s other things we can do.”

AJ shifted again, trying to reach his pocket. The sound drew Zach’s attention, though. His eyes shot over to AJ. There was insanity there, as well as rage. “What’re you doing?” He swore at AJ. A foot came flying out at him. AJ barely had enough time to bring his hands up over his face before he was caught in the side of his head with Zach’s boot. Starts exploded in his vision. His already injured head screamed at him in protest.

Dazed, AJ fought against the waves of blackness that tried to take him under. He felt something grab his arm and tried to fight against it, but he was weak as a kitten. His sleeve was shoved up in no time at all. Just as AJ felt his vision clear a little, there came the unmistakable feel of a needle sliding into his skin. His first instinct was to buck and fight, but reason prevailed. If he did, the needle could break in his skin or pierce through and cause damage.

As quickly as it went in it was being drawn back out. AJ felt the effects almost instantly. His body felt heavier; his limbs didn’t want to move.

The most beautiful voice AJ had ever heard filled the air. “Oh my God!”

Suddenly hands were on him; gentle hands that were trying to soothe as they moved over him. He heard Brian’s voice again, slightly distant. “What did you do to him? You said you wouldn’t hurt him! That was the deal!”

The deal? Shit. Brian had gone out here to meet up with Zach just to keep AJ safe. Nausea filled AJ. He tried to force his brain to focus on things. His tongue felt thick, his eyes gritty. But somehow he managed to find Brian’s face in the darkness. Even though the image wavered and tried to double, it was still beautiful.

Zach said something, but AJ couldn’t catch the rumble of his words. Brian’s hands were on him still, cradling him close, checking him for injuries. “You  _what_?” Brian screeched out. It sounded like Brian’s voice was coming down a long tunnel. This time AJ heard Zach’s response. “He doesn’t matter, Brian. No one else does. Now, come with me like you said. You swore you would. Come with me, or I’ll kill you both right now!”

“No, no, Zach, don’t. Please.” Oh, how it hurt to hear Brian beg. AJ wanted to tell him not to but he couldn’t seem to speak. “Please, Zach, just let me call an ambulance for him.” A pause, then, in a defeated tone “Yes, I’ll go with you. Just let me call for help. Please. Then we’ll go to your house, right? You have a house for us here, don’t you, knowing how much I like Lexington? It would make me happy if we lived here together.”

Good boy, Brian. He was keeping calm and trying to give AJ hints.

“That’s right. Close to my parents though, right? Family is important. They’ll see I’m happy and they’ll love you. Don’t worry…really? Oh, good!”

There was a sound of rustling and then beeping. AJ tried to keep his attention on it. He felt like he was sliding under, into the dark, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. So he just tried to fight it as best he could. He had to be strong. For Brian! He tried to move, but all that happened was his body twitched. Brian’s voice was there still, on the edge of his hearing. “Yes….help please…drugged and sick…head injury…ank you…” The words wavered in and out.

Then Brian was there, right by his face, kissing his cheek. “Be strong, Alex. Help is coming. Be strong, please. I love you. More than anything, I love you.” Brian whispered almost silently in his ear. One last touch and then it was gone.

AJ forced his eyes open. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. On the ground by his face was an open cell phone, a call still connected. Someone was speaking; he could hear the grainy sounds from the phone. But his eyes were focused on the two blonds that were slowly walking away from him. Brian didn’t look back. Together, his body tight with tension, he and Zach walked off into the night.

It took every bit of AJ’s strength to push his head toward the phone. “Help” he managed to croak thickly. “Help.” Please, God, someone help Brian.

The last thing he saw before the drugs and pain took him under was Brian and Zach fading into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable25.html


	26. Twenty - Fifth Chapter

Twenty - Fifth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Male, 24 years, suspected overdose by heroin. Already injected a dose of naxolon upon arrival, breathing is low but regular.”

Other orders were been shouted as the paramedics wheeled the unconscious man inside the emergency room while doctors and nurses spun in action. It was the brink of the dawn and aside from drunk and a car crash some hours ago, the hospital had been quiet until that moment.

In the waiting room, at the receptionist desk, Kevin was filling out the discharges papers for Nick, who was getting his crutches and then would wait for him to get the car and bring him home. Home meant the Littrell’s house but he was sure that Nick would have wanted to stay there no matter what.

_“I don’t care how many steps there are, Brian needs me. And I can use those – he gestured at the metal crutches. - as a weapon in case that bastard shows up once again.”_

Kevin had smiled, a fake smile because what he was supposed to tell him? “Oh, look, they won’t help you since Brian had already offered himself.” Hell would break if he said those words. Especially, since he knew deep inside that he had been wrong. Wrong about letting Brian have his way, wrong about not saying nothing to Aj... many more reasons that he didn’t want to think over. At the end, he had been wrong but still didn’t know how to make it right.

With a glance, he looked over the clock, its fingers pointing that it was almost morning. Had Brian been able to sneak out without being noticed? No, what his heart wanted more than everything was that Aj had been able to stop Brian from his suicide. Because that was it was: not an unselfish act, not something done because of love. It was suicide. Maybe Zach wouldn’t kill him or hurt him but he could and he would everything that made Brian the man he was. Or had been.

He had faith in Aj. Faith that he would caught something off in Brian, faith that he would try to pry the truth. Faith that he would talk him out and do something so finally that psychopath would be stopped. Never they had to deal with something like that; sure they had their fair amount of crazy fans, girls that were everywhere they went and they would hide in their dressing room. But this? This was beyond being plain crazy and it seemed like it was a never ending madness. The rape itself had been something unconceivable but then it had been a downhill road, from guys being killed only because they looked like Brian but didn’t want to be him, to physically harming everyone who stood between Zach and Brian.

And now... now that man was going to have what he had searched only because Brian was that unselfish to sacrifice himself for Aj’s sake.

Sighing, he was about to walk back into Nick’s room when he almost collided with paramedics brining a patient. Curiosity won over him and he looked briefly at that unconscious man: the brown eyes, the hair, the tattoos. Time frozen as his mind put all of those pieces together.

Aj.

He missed a second as he stood there unmoving, listening to the words paramedics and doctors were exchanging as they gathered around his friend: overdose, head injury... worst scenario started to form inside his mind as he started to run behind them, don’t caring about people he bummed against.

“Sir, you can’t enter here.” Arms grabbed him, preventing to go further. He tried to fight them, objecting that he had to since it was one of his friends, one of his _brothers_ lying in that stretcher. But they didn’t care, they didn’t seem to care. “Please, sir, I assure you we’re going to do all that we can but you can’t get in.”

That played the trick inside Kevin’s brain. He stopped struggling and let the nurse guiding him back in the waiting room. He knew there were things he had to do: calls had to be made, Nick was still waiting for him in his room or in the hallway, that he couldn’t remember anymore. As he stayed there, praying for Aj, the only other thought running inside him was about Brian. _What happened to him? Why wasn’t with Aj?_

 

 

 

 

_____________________

 

 

 

 

 

How long they had been walking, Brian didn’t know. Not that it mattered, anyway. Hours, minutes or seconds were all the same, endlessly frozen in the moment he had left Alex alone waiting for help. What kind of lover was he? What kind of person was he , leaving someone he loved in those conditions? What if help didn’t come in time? What if they didn’t find the place? Alex would die and it would be only his fault, his damned fault because he had been terrified.

Who he was kidding? Everything had been his fault, how foolish he had been when he started to believe that, maybe, he couldn’t fathom how sick and twisted Zach was! Would everything had been different if he had gone to the police that fateful night when everything had started? If he had reported Zach, if he had gone to the hospital instead that thinking he could solve all on his own, maybe, maybe, they wouldn’t be in that situation: Alex on the ground probably dying and him walking away with his attacker.

A hand was secured tightly around his wrist, tugging and dragging him through the woods. Bones and muscles were aching, exhaustation was written all over his face and still Zach didn’t stop or didn’t seem to want to. Who cared, anyway? Once here and then, the thought about trying to run away from him had flashed inside his mind but he desisted, knowing perfectly that he wasn’t in shape to run faster than Zach.

“We’re almost here, love. You’re gonna love our house.”

Brian couldn’t help the chill running down his spine. _Their_ house. One word and one pronoun numbed him to his very core, reminding him that there wasn’t tuning back and neither a shining knight ready to save him. Just a glance around him and he noticed that they’re far away from his parent’s house and, even if they were, that place was so hidden between trees that it could take days and days before someone would be able to find him. He just had to pray that he could stay sane throughout everything Zach would done to him, even if a small part of himself was hoping that now he was in his hands, Zach would be just happy with it.

Other time passed, and still Brian didn’t know how long, but suddenly a house appeared in front of his eyes. It wasn’t big, just a cottage on two floors, and seemed really old, although none of the windows had broken glasses.

“I’ve tried to clean it a little but I didn’t add anything. I don’t think we’re gonna stay here much long. – Zach said as he dragged Brian inside the house. – As soon as that rebel is out of the hospital, he will come after you.”

A snort and Brian could easily see the lips curving in an evil smile. “Please, don’t...” He tried to say, suddenly very aware that Alex would never be safe enough no matter what. It didn’t mattered to him, as long as he had breathe inside him he would beg and plead until he was sure that his sacrifice had been worth. A hand came upon his cheek, slowly stroking it in what seemed a caress. “Oh, my love, I won’t hurt him. That’s why we will move. I was thinking about Europe...” the words were soon muffled in Brian’s ears as he took a glance at the inside of the house: a dining room next to the living room, empty rooms saved from a couch, a table and two chairs. On his left, Brian could see the kitchen, the only room that seemed normal. Then, they were upstairs, where there was their room.

“This is the only room I wanted to be perfect for you.” Zach said before opening the room and turning on the lights. Brian felt sick as soon as he realized what “perfect” meant for Zach: all over the walls, poster and images and pictures of himself were mocking him with smiles and laughter that didn’t belong to him anymore. A double size bed stood in the centre of the room, blue satin sheets that Brian immediately realized that wouldn’t warm him enough. But he preferred to stay cold forever if the alternative was to snuggle around Zach.

“Don’t you love it?” Zach asked him, his eyes shining with a light that seemed maniacally.

“Of course.” Brian managed to say, hoping that the bile stayed inside his throat.

“I know it! See, he loves it! And you didn’t believe me!” Zach shouted, looking behind Brian’s head like he was talking to someone. Brian spun around, afraid that someone else was in the house but, aside from another poster hung on the door, the room was empty. Fear crept inside his veins, mixing itself with blood. Gosh, they had thought that Zach could be sick but not on that level!

“Do... do you think I can sleep a little?” He asked, hoping to have some times alone. _Please, please, please..._ He needed to break down, he needed some time to just let his mind going over and over those little moments between him and Alex. Those were the only things he could hold onto.

Zach looked at him with uncertainty written in his eyes. Now that he had Brian all for himself, he didn’t have to rush for fear that someone could take him away. And Brian’s health and well being was more important that something that could be done in the afternoon.

“I can make you something to eat too.” Zach offered, wanting to show to Brian how a good lover he could be.

“Maybe when I wake up?” Brian suggested, trying not to flinch as Zach seemed to be closer and closer.

“I’m very good with cooking. You’ve lost some weight and I don’t like you all bones.” Before Brian could reply, Zach’s arms were wound around his waist and lips were tracing his own, seeking an entrance. Closing his eyes, Brian let him do whatever he wanted, trying not to think of the last kiss he had received. He didn’t want that memory being tainted by Zach so he just locked everything inside, every emotions or feelings. Zach deepened the kiss, a moan escaping from his mouth as hands started to made their way inside Brian’s shirt.

“Gosh, that was amazing.” Brian could only nod, still with his eyes closed. He didn’t hear Zach leaving, neither the sound of the door being locked from the outside. He stumbled over the bed, lying himself down and curling up as tight as he could, shivers and trembles ragging with the force of his emotions, finally free to come out and scream.

He let his mind wondering through memories, bringing him back at those nights were nightmares would force him out of his sleep and he would find Alex near him. Even if it wasn’t a physical feeling, Brian could feel those fingers entwined with his, feel the love spreading inside him like a warm blanket. And somewhere, Alex’s voice raised up. _It’s okay, you’re okay. Here, listen to my heartbeat and just try to calm down. If you hear my voice, it means that you’re okay._

Far away Brian went down within his mind, darkness finally claiming him. This time, sleeping didn’t frighten him. How could it when his reality was already a nightmare? So he did and his last thought was a prayer, _let Alex be okay._

 

 

 

 

_________________________

 

 

 

 

 

Hours had passed and still no one had news about Aj. A private waiting room had been set up for them: Howie was sitting on the couch, his hands clasped together and his lips moving in a silent prayers; Kevin was pacing back and forth, his cell phone secured tightly inside his hand like it could bring good news. Or bad. The other one in the room was Nick, an unreadable expression on his face as he sat on the wheelchair. Jackie and Harold were back at the house with Micheal, trying to find anything that could lead to where was Brian.

Kevin knew, yes, Kevin knew where Brian could be but still he hadn’t a chance to talk about it. Not when Aj was inside some sterile room fighting to stay alive. Gosh, if something bad happened to Aj it would have been all of his fault. He should have talked before, he should have tried to talk Brian out of this stupid idea or at least talked to Micheal and had Brian under surveillance. Now, because of him, his cousin was somewhere with the man that had been a nightmare for the start while Aj was in hospital.

A click resonated in the room, snapping everyone out of their trances: four heads turned towards the source of that noise, originated by the door being opened and the figure of a doctor appearing and standing on the doorway. The green scrub was clean and that brought relief in everyone: clean meant no blood and that meant something good. Still, the expression beneath the mask of the same pale shade wasn’t pleased.

“How is he?” Howie asked, standing up.

“He’s alive and stable.” The doctor replied directly and straightforward.

A sigh came from Nick’s lips, tears of happiness welled up and made his eyes clearer than normal. He knew that there would be more coming but just the mere fact that Jay was alive meant that he was fighting. Fighting for Brian, because there was no doubt that he would be the first to go out there and track down that little piece of bastard.

“He’s not out of woods yet. The drug is still in his system and there is still the chance of complications. We’re going to keep him sedated until he’s completely clean and because his body is still too weak to fight off the craving afterwards.”

“How long?” Kevin asked.

“We’ll see. For sure, seventy-two hours then we’re going to make some tests and we’ll decide.”

“When they brought him... they were talking about head injury.” Kevin kept on, since he had been the only one present when it happened.

“X rays didn’t show any kind of fractures of the skull and there isn’t any internal bleeding. Until mr. McLean won’t be awake, we can’t exclude any kind of brain damage even if he had been awake for two minutes back in the room. He was coherent about his name and age, until he started getting worked up about someone.”

“Brian.” Everyone breathed out.

“Yes. I can’t let him or any of you with him now, we’re still have some tests to do. But as soon as we settle him in a room, I can let one person at time.” With that last information, the doctor left the room, leaving the guys thinking about what had been said as the weight of what happened downed down on them.

Silence flickered between the three of them but it was literally tearing apart Kevin. This wasn’t supposed to happen, the whole point of Brian making a deal with that psychopath was to avoid that something like that would happen. Instead, it happened and, worse than everything, Brian was somewhere with that man non knowing how Aj was doing or if someone had found him. Knowing him, Kevin would bet that this last thing was what was hurting him the most. If there was a way to let him know...

“We’re gonna find Brian.” The optimistic hope had been delivered with a sad smile by Howie, a hand placed on his shoulder as a sign of comfort. To Kevin, instead, that hand weighted more than it should, burning on the fact that this... this could had been avoidable.  

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Only a whisper, yes, ‘cause it was something that he didn’t want to say out loud but escaped nonetheless. Maybe, it had been his consciousness that forced the words out of his lips, in spite of the need to clean itself for something that could have been prevented.

Howie didn’t seem to notice the implied note, just agreeing with the unfairness of all. Blame and guilty was being shared by everyone, not only the oldest one: each of them held a fault, whether it was because they underestimated the gravity or thought that a bunch of policemen could be enough to scare Zach or because they had brought, unintentionally, the danger so close that no one had fathom how worse things could go.

Frustrated, most towards himself than any else, Kevin shrieked away from Howie, hands coming over to shield his eyes from everyone, because he didn’t want to see their expressions as he said those words. “It wasn’t part of the deal.”

“Deal? What kind of deal?” Howie’s question mixed with Nick’s one, still both of them shocked by the revelation.

“A deal that Brian made with Zach. He was going to resign himself over him on the condition that he would spare Aj’s life, since he was the next target.”

For the second time in a matter of minutes, silence became the only actor in the room as both Howie and Nick registered those words inside their minds. Implications mixed themselves with what had already happened and a sudden truth made itself visible. But the anger started to eat Howie’s blood since it was his best friend that was lying in a hospital bed and whose lover was nowhere to be found. And hell have mercy on them if Aj would wake up and they couldn’t say to him nothing about Brian.      

“Wait a minute... you knew and didn’t tell anything at all to Aj?”

Kevin felt the blown of accusation, his shoulders sagged a little under that hit. “I made a promise to Brian.” It wasn’t a defense, just a statement of truth. But it made Howie’s anger boiled even more.

“Let me get this straight... Brian told you that he was going to do the most stupid thing in the world and not only you didn’t stop him but you agreed about keeping it as a secret?”

“You know that no one is able to stop him when he’s set on something!”

“Then you should have told us!”

“I know it wasn’t the best idea in the world but you didn’t have to see him. Put yourself in his shoes just for one second, try to imagine everything that he had been through. And then try to tell me if you wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

Howie’s gaze didn’t diminish in determination and anger. Nerves had been ragged in everyone, weeks of worry and fears were taking its definitive toll. In one way or another, each of them had the chance to snap or to just break down. Now, in that moment, it was Howie’s turn to let everything out in the open. “I’m not discussing Brian’s decision. It’s Brian, for God’s sake! It’s you that I’m discussing and the fact that you helped him in getting out from the hospital!”

Rage was boiling off from every inch of skin. Kevin didn’t need this, didn’t need to hear what his conscience had tried over and over to tell him. “I won’t defend myself, Howie. I did what I thought was right. Brian wouldn’t had listened to me, I... couldn’t stop him in doing something that I would have done myself. And, most important, I couldn’t betray his trust. Do you know how much it had cost him to ask help from someone who wasn’t Aj?”

“What good had come from this? Aj is in hospital. He could have died! He still can. And don’t get me started about what he’s going to do once he will wake up and find out about Brian.” The last was the big fear holding his heart in a such of tight grip. No one in that room had come to realize how much Aj depended on Brian, how much he had built his strength around Brian’s wellbeing and safety. For once, he hadn’t been the little man lost in drugs and problems, no. Just for once, he had been the protector, the one who could take Brian’s weight and hold for as long Brian needed. Gosh, this could end badly if they didn’t find Brian in time. Howie didn’t want to know how bad this failure, the fact that he couldn’t protect his lover, could harm his friend.

Kevin let himself fall onto a chair. As he was about to shout something, Nick jumped in the conversation, his first words since the beginning. “Fighting isn’t helping, guys. Howie, you’re right but so is Kevin. – he held up a finger before Howie could have the chance to reply. – I know you’re worried about Aj but do you honestly think that he wouldn’t be hurt if we have known the truth? Look at me, look at what Zach is able to do. If we had step in, who knows how many more people would be in the hospital? If that had happened, we would have lost Brian.” The implications didn’t get lost and brought the guys back in that day when they found out how bad things had been. That day when Nick had realized that even heroes could lose their strength and found themselves actually thinking about giving up.

“So, if Aj’s hurt is all his fault?” Howie asked being sarcastic.

“No, of course not! But he was doing the same thing Brian was going to do. Protect the one he loves.”

“So, if Brian would have come to you, you would have done the same thing Kevin had done, Nick?”

“Yes. Even if I think it’s a terrible idea, I would have respected Brian’s decision.” Nick answered frustrated. Why couldn’t Howie see the other side of the story? Yes, Kevin had been wrong but he had given to Brian something that had been taken away from the first day and that was control. Control about his steps, control about a situation that revolved around him and only him could stop it.

Howie shook his head. He couldn’t believe that Nick, out of all people, would agree to what Kevin had done. Still slightly furious, he stormed off, not wanting to say things he would regret later, when he would be much more calm and lucid. He only turned around one last time. “Kevin, just hope that we’re gonna find Brian before Aj is awake because I won’t stand in the way after he’ll learn the truth.”

 

 

 

 

________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

Night was already up by the time Brian woke up again. First thing he noticed, even if he had still his eyes closed, was that someone was on the bed. It wasn’t only a physical presence, a body that weighted on the bed. The scariest thing was the hot breath on his neck, the hand running slowly its fingers up and down his neck and face. The most frightening thing were the words spoken.

“Look at him. See how beautiful he is... how I can resist? He looks like an angel, I bet that his wings are hidden behind his back.”

The feelings of the hands disappeared but soon were replaced by lips. With a steel control, Brian managed to stay still, even though every part of him recoiled by that feeling... his hands curled up in fists so tight that hurt, nails sinking deep in the skin that it was a wonder that blood hasn’t already leak out. _Think about Alex, think about Alex._ The little chanting that helped him before now was losing its effects. He was being tainted once again, he wouldn’t ever be able to let Aj close to him after this. _Yes, because you’re hoping that you’re going to be able to escape?_

“Now he’s mine. I’ve waited for so long and now he’s finally mine.”

The lips now were on his right shoulder, tracing circles and leaving wet traces. The more he concentrated on those little details the more he was feeling sick. Then, out of blue, a sharp pain travelled from that shoulder, leaving him hopeless as a moan of pain escaped from his lips.

“Oh baby, I’m waking you, aren’t I?”

The lips didn’t move from their place, just stopped enough to speak and then they were back on the sore spot, doing things Brian didn’t even want to acknowledge. The pain was enough to distract his mind and if normally he would have tried everything to just not feeling it, now he preferred to be surrounded by those waves instead than...

“This would tell everyone that you’re mine. They’ll see it and they’ll know that they can’t touch you.”

But pain was being a bitch, it didn’t last long, only subsided in a faint whimper here and there, leaving all places empty for other sensations. The whimper didn’t help him, nothing, even screams of disgust, would have made Zach thinking that he wasn’t liking this.

“Oh, you’re loving what I’m doing, don’t you? You love being marked. My little angel.”

Panic kicked in, forcing its way like a black poison. He forced it back from where it came from, knowing that if he panicked, no one would ever be able to help him.

Think, that was what he needed to. Thinking of a way to endure that torture without going crazy, thinking of a way to gain Zach’s trust enough so he could have a little more freedom. Now that he was lucid, he remembered something from the night before, the click of a door that meant that Zach had closed him inside. Why would he do that it was no wonder: just like any treasure, Zach wanted to close him off in fear that he would run away. He couldn’t help the shudder as he realized what he needed to do to distract Zach enough so he couldn’t remember to lock him in. _Alex, please, forgive me._

 

Alex. For awhile, he had been able to avoid thinking about him, thinking about the last time he had seen him and torturing himself with every worst scenario his mind came up with. He had to know. No, no, he needed to know if he was alright, if someone had found him. Only knowing he could let this rest in peace and tried to fight. Because, if Alex wasn’t alright or, heaven forbidden, he couldn’t be saved, what was the point in fighting?

 

Determination took the place of the fear and the panic. He opened his eyes and found himself staring directly into Zach’s eyes.

 

“There you are, my angel.”

 

“Zach.” Brian breathed out, hoping that Zach would take the little tremor as a pleasure hint instead than the real emotion behind it. Fear.

 

The guy kept looking at him and for a moment Brian didn’t know what to think or act.

“He loves me! See?”

 

There he was again, speaking with what seemed no one. His head was turned at his right, eyes moving like there were more than one person speaking at him.

 

“No, no... He will! – Suddenly, Zach’s attention was back to Brian. – Tell them! Tell them the truth! They don’t believe me! You have to tell them!” Shouting as the grip around Brian’s waist became tight, too tight almost to the point of breaking the bone beneath the skin.

 

_The hell with being calm!_ Thoughts couldn’t be stopped as Brian looked at the transformation upon Zach’s face. In a matter of seconds, the soft and almost puppy’s eyes had darkened and turned into something really really close to madness. “Who are they, Zach?” He dared to ask.

 

“Don’t you see them? They’re here! - Was Zach’s reply, the arm pointing behind his back. – They don’t want us to be together! I took care of them and now they just want to make fun of me! Say it, Brian! Say that you love me!”

 

_Took care of them?_ Zach’s words resonating inside Brian’s brain. Oh God... They must be the guys Zach had killed before. More scared than before, Brian realized that the only thing that would assure him safety was to play along with everything Zach was saying. Which meant admitting that he loved him and him only. Swallowing fears and disgust down so far that he hoped they would never come up again and willing the trembles to stop, he raised up his other hand, the one not held by Zach, and placed it on the man’s cheek. “Of course I love you. I’m here, don’t I?” He professed, acting like he was really in love with that man.

 

Silence between his words and Zach’s reply, a thick absence of noise that could mean many things. Had he been persuasive enough that not only his kidnapper but even those ghosts had believed him? 

 

“You’re here, yes... but... - Zach’s words were punctured here and there by looks that Brian now understood that he was listening to the ghost’s. He could see the blue turning into ice as flames of rage burned around the iris of his eyes. – They’re saying that it’s only a plan. You don’t love me. You wanted only to save that rebel.”

 

“No, no, no! You know that I’m here because I want to be with you!”  

 

“Prove it. Prove that you love me.” Zach demanded in a firm voice, opening a black hole beneath Brian’s body.  He knew that it was bound to happen, he knew that, soon or later, he would be forced to have some intimate contacts with that man and made him believe that he liked them. He thought he could do it, he thought that he could erase everything shared between him and Alex or him and Nick and just be a blank board where Zach could draw whatever he wanted. But now, now that it was time to do that practically, Brian found that he didn’t have the strength to hide himself. Stranger was the fact that he was feeling like he was deliberately betraying Alex’s love and trust. Even if they shared only a kiss, there had been many and many other little things that made him fall in love with his friend. How could he stand there and pretend to love someone else? His heart was weeping for that, screaming and trying to prevent all of this, but his mind and logic won the argument: he wasn’t betraying Alex, he was only protecting him. If he could do that, if only he could prove to Zach that he was being true saying that he loved him... well, then maybe there would be a slightly chance to obtain something, freedom or a possibility to get information about Alex’s conditions.

 

No wasting more time, Brian did something that had been able to do with another man. Memories of the first kiss with Nick flooded through him, melting into the one of his last kiss with Alex. He remembered what he had done that made Alex so happy, the tender brushing followed by the teasing and the tasting. He remembered the rush of emotions taking control, sweeping away any fears and the little tingle of pleasure starting to stir inside him. None of that happened in that moment, because that wasn’t a kiss between two lovers. No, it was only a mechanically act, like a kiss between two actors following a script.

 

When it was finally over, Brian tried to move away but the firm grip around his wrist didn’t let him. Soon, the other arm circled his shoulders, pulling him closer to Zach in what was meant to be an embrace. “You love me. -  Zach whispered. – See, he loves me.”

 

Cradled like that, rocked by a mantra whispered in a monotone and yet maniacal voice, his mind took refuge in happy memories as darkness took him under once again.

   

 

 

 

 

___________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

Morning light, even if it was a dull grey, made its way through the curtains, seeping some warmth on the still sleeping figure crutched in some way on the couch. Since two nights before, no one but Brian’s parents had left the hospital: Nick had decided to delay his release, since it would be difficult to keep going back and forth from the hospital with the crutches and had been able to be put in the same room with Aj, stressing the fact that it would be easier to protect them if they were all in the same room. Because news about Nick’s accident had already been leaked in the media, soon followed by the one about Aj being admitted and Brian’s absence. Because of that, journalists had surrounded the hospital since the day before, forcing Kevin to made a general statement along with a plea to give them some kind of privacy and leaving a promise to clean everything as soon as the worst would be over.

Over. Nick doubted that it would be ever over, even if Jay would wake up without any damage. The doctor was optimistic about that outcome, seeing the progress he had made in those two days, so optimistic that he was about to lower the dosage of the sedative and try to wake him up. Oh, that was a good news but still no one of them was looking forward to that moment. Because, as soon as he would be lucid enough, he would ask them about Brian. And what were they supposed to say? No one knew where he was and, if they had left some traces, those had been cancelled by the rain that had started to pour down only an hour after Aj had been saved by the paramedics. Even Micheal was starting to lose hope: after forty - eight hours, the chance to find them were getting smaller and smaller; for all they could know, Zach could probably had lied when he said that he had a house near the Littrell’s. Truth was that they could be far away and with no traces or proof...

“Stop it, Nick. – Kevin said, for he had been awake for minutes and had seen what kind of thoughts could been running inside the younger’s mind just looking at him. – We’ll get Brian back.”

“How?” Nick asked him, showing for the first time the desperation he didn’t let out the other day.

“We’ll find something. Some way... any way...” Kevin trailed off, turning his head towards the window: black and grey clouds were melting together as thunders preannounced another storm coming their way.

“Even... – Nick swallowed hard before keeping up. - ... even if we get Brian, it would be too late.”

Kevin tilted his head towards the friend. “What do you mean?”

“Two days. This is the third that Brian has to stay with that crazy man. Have you thought about what he’s been doing to him?”

“Don’t.” Kevin hissed at him.

“It’s happening, whether you like it or not.”  

“Don’t, okay? We’re gonna get Brian and...”

“And what? Do you think he will be the same Brian he was before disappearing? You don’t know what Zach has in mind. For all that we know, he could already have killed him.”

Kevin shook his head. “His main was to have Brian. He won’t kill him.”

“Even if Brian would say no to him? – Nick replied. – Brian isn’t experienced. When we were together, we never got at that level. Some kissing, some touches but he never let me go all the way. Do you honestly think that Zach would have the same gentleness at the first no?”

“Nick, I... we can’t. We can’t think or waste energy thinking about what he’s doing to him. I know but I won’t allowed you or someone to talk about it. When we’ll get Brian, we’ll deal all the consequences. Until that moment, we only need to focus on where he could be and how to save him.”

He didn’t mean to come out that harsh and mean but that was a so delicate matter that even his conscience didn’t want to acknowledge. It would only made everything more difficult, too hard to focus on the tiny hope that they could have a sane Brian back instead than... no, no, those images had to stay away from him. From him, from Nick’s... from everyone. 

Nick was about to say something, to reply that maybe there would be nothing left in Brian to save because he knew the man, hell, it had been his lover for over six months... a lot of people would might made fun of a guy who was still virgin at that age but Brian didn’t care. He didn’t give a damn about what people would think of him if they knew, it mattered only his feelings and... gosh, if they could knew how hard he had fought his feelings! If they knew, they would understand how he was afraid to give himself in something only for sex. And now... now, every first experiences had been taken away from him. And who knew how much more. So he was about to explain this to Kevin, the older’s phone started to ring.

At first, Kevin wanted to let it ring. It had been like that since the day before, ringing and ringing for all the journalists that wanted a scoop or new information. Then, suddenly coming from nowhere, Kevin sensed something. He didn’t know what was that, but it was enough to grab to cell and accept the call. Never he had imagined to hear the voice on the other end.

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The morning rolled by and all Brian wanted to do was staying asleep. Strange was that need because only days before he avoided that act, terrified about what would wait for him as soon as his eyes were closed. Now, tables were turned because the nightmare had became real and sleep, being oblivious to the reality, was his only chance to pretend that he was still with Aj, being held and feeling safe and protected.

As reality made itself known, Brian took notice of the absence of Zach near him. After debating if he should open his eyes or keep up his own façade, he decided that a little information was vital in that context. That he did, squinting his eyes to let them adjust to the change of light and relief swept through him as he realized that he was alone. Probably still locked in but, still, he could have some time alone instead than trying to fake a love that was hate instead.

Never he had hate someone before as he did now for Zach. Yes, the guy was sick, if the hearing voices was a sign, but that couldn’t be an alibi for everything he had done, not only to him. There were families that were crying and grieving a loved one killed for unknown reason, there was a guy who was probably fighting for survival only because he wanted to protect his lover. His friends... his friends had to stand and witness helplessly everything, knowing that no matter how much they tried to help him, nothing could stop that madness.

He had to do something. If he stayed with Zach, he would probably end up killing himself and that... no, he wouldn’t let him win this game. He needed to escape and if he had to act a little bit more... well, there wasn’t nothing left in what Zach could do to him. After being raped, what was a kiss or a caress?

Trying to stand up, he took a look around the room: over the posters, he made out a window that could be useful, although the mere thought of jumping down from it was making him nauseous. On the other side of the room, another door was set between posters and images. A bathroom. Slowly, Brian made his way towards it, silently happy that he could at least wash away the feeling of being touched again by that man. His happiness didn’t falter even when he noticed that there was no shower, he just managed to get rid of most of the dirty by using the sink. Just doing that made him feel more lucid and coherent, realizing that tears and self pity wouldn’t help him to get out of that situation.

When he got back in the room, Zach was there, a tray on the bed with a mug and a plate full of pancakes. His stomach reacted at the smell but Brian managed to get it under control; even if he didn’t want it, food meant energy and he needed plenty of them.

“You’re awake!” Zach greeted him, meeting him halfway and leaving a small kiss on the lips. Brian gathered that he was in a good mood, not talking to someone who wasn’t there but speaking about their plans about the future, where to go or where not to go. Brian let him talk, only adding a little comment when the man was looking at him with helpful eyes, like he needed his approval. As he sip the warm milk, his mind tried to come up with a plan: if he played his cards right, he could obtain the chance to call Kevin and have news about Alex. _Don’t go there,_ he reminded to himself, _don’t lose yourself in the memories._ But lost in his thoughts, he didn’t expect to feel a finger on his lips and the instinctual flinch couldn’t be stopped that time.

“You’ve got some milk, I want only to clean you. – was Zach’s justification. – What did that rebel do to you? You’re scared of being touch, my love.”

As much as Brian wanted to scream that he was only his fault, that he was the one hurting him and not Alex, he just lowered his eyes and mumbled an apology. The other hand was pressed on his chin and forced him to raise his eyes again as the finger stopped between the closed lips.  

“Open those lips, Bri.”  

Brian had to obey, even though it made him turned his stomach around, a sick feeling that was mixing together fear, disgust and the soar taste of milk.

“That’s it. Gosh, your lips are so delicious, you know? I can only imagine how they would feel around other parts. And you would do it, right? Because you love this, you love me and you want to show me how much you love me.”

A nod, nothing more Brian could manage to show as he swallowed down tears and tears that were Burning his eyes.

“And I love you, Brian. I’m the only one for you.”

“If you love me like you’re telling me, will you do something for me?” Brian asked as soon as the finger left his mouth.

Zach’s eyes became bigger with surprise and shock. “Everything. Ask me and I will do it!”

He chose carefully the words to use. One wrong meaning and Zach would be angry, which is something he had to avoid. He wasn’t scared about being pouched or hit, he was more scared about his threaten to use his mouth on other parts. “I need to call Kevin. They’re probably searching for me so I have to make sure that they know that this is what I want. That I want to stay with you. Will you let me?”

Zach seemed uncertain, doubting if it was only a trick or if he could trust him.

“I won’t tell him where we are or where we going. But we will never be able to stay together if they still think that you’re hurting me. And you aren’t, right?”

A flash of indignation showed into Zach’s eyes and Brian knew he had hit the perfect spot. He leaned over, a hand on his cheek in a slow motion. “I’ve to tell him that you’re not hurting me, that you love me.”

Zach nodded, getting up and moving around the room. Then, he reached out to Brian a cell phone. “Only five minutes or they can trace down where we are.” He didn’t get out of the room, just stayed far enough to give him some kind of privacy but still close so he could jump in if he was saying something he didn’t like.

Brian dialed Kevin’s number and then waited, praying that he would answer even if he didn’t know the number. Were the news already out? Their fans were like the CIA, always knowing where and what happened to them... oh dear God, what if they knew what happened to him to begin with? Before he could answer his own question, the reassuring and deep voice of his cousin stopped everything. “Kevin?”

“Brian, is that you?”

“Yes. Listen, I don’t have much more time so let me talk. – He didn’t know how much Zach was going to let him talk and he had to be sure to say some things, especially the one about Aj. -  I’m okay, Zach isn’t hurting me and he won’t do it. He loves me.” He spitted out those last words, nearly choked himself like they were acid burning his tongue.

“Just... just tell me where are you. We’re gonna get you.”

This was becoming more difficult than Brian had thought it would be. How he wanted to yell and scream where he thought he was, how he wanted to be saved but as much as he wanted to be everywhere than there, he knew that he couldn’t let Zach hurt someone else. “I don’t want to go back. I belong here.” Even to himself, that voice pronouncing those words didn’t sound too firm. Didn’t sound him at all.

“What the hell are you saying? Is here, isn’t he? That’s the reason why you’re saying this crap?”

“It’s not crap, Kevin. I’m not coming back and I don’t need to be saved or rescued. I’m where I’m supposed to be and with who I’m supposed to be. Zach loves me and...”

Kevin didn’t let him finish, the anger boiled because of those words that he knew were only a pale shadow of a tentative to protect them. “Don’t you dare saying, Brian Thomas! I know better so don’t try to make me a fool! Don’t tell me that you’re enjoying staying with that sick man or that you don’t give a shit about Aj! I won’t let you lie like that!”

Alex. “Is he okay?” Brian whispered, hoping that Zach didn’t hear the concerning note in his note.

“He’s alive. – That word made Brian feel lightheaded, overflowed by relief. Alex was okay, alive. Help had come. _Thank God._ \- They’ve kept him sedated during those days because they wanted to make sure that his body could handle the drug’s effect. Please, Brian. You know that the only thing that matters to him is you being at his side. Don’t let me be the one telling that you’re still with that man.”

That plead broke some of Brian’s control. How he wanted to be there, Kevin must know that. Kevin must know that through all he wanted to be on Alex’s side, just like he had been during those weeks. “I can’t. Please, Kevin...”

“Please what? Let you keep doing this thing? No, Brian. I didn’t stop you when I should have, I won’t do another time a mistake like that.”

“I’m doing what I feel is right. – Brian replied back while looking around for Zach. But the man was in a corner, near the bathroom door and he looked like he was arguing with his voices so he wasn’t paying attention to him. – Kevin, just have faith in me, okay? Stay with Alex and take care of him, please.”

“Bri...”

“Just believe in me. And... – Brian let out a shuddering breath as he felt his eyes welling up. – Tell Alex to not forget what I said to him. I mean every words.”

Oh, Brian didn’t want to close in that way the phone call. But seeing Zach so engrossed in a conversation with people who weren’t there, it gave him the little chance that he was waiting and hoping: a chance for escape. Now, more than before, he had to try to run away and be at Alex’s side. Be away from that sick man before he forced him to do something it would shatter him forever. Because it wouldn’t be like the rape, this time he would have to fake and to say words he didn’t even want to link with Zach. Words that made him think another man, a man that now was in hospital because of him.

Trying to make less noises possible, he put the cell phone inside his pocket and then started to walk towards the door, hoping that Zach had left it open. The man was still shouting and moving hands in big gestures, words about trusting in him and in his promises about love and faith. A chill ran down his spine but didn’t stop him: between him and the door there was only a small distance and still Zach had the back turned against him. He grabbed the handle and turned it down, relief hit him as the door started to open. He could do it, he could escape without being noticed! He opened it enough for him to slip in, he wasn’t sure if it would made some noises or not and he didn’t want to find out.

Soon, he was in the hallway, at the end of it he could make out the stairs. Was it safe for him to run or he had to keep the slow pace? Either of them had valid points but there was still the chance that he could get caught before he was out of that house.

Every decisions flew out when he heard the door slamming behind him, followed by angry words. “Where are you going? They were right, you only want to play me!”

Brian started to run, any cautions couldn’t surpass the fear of what Zach could do to him if he get him. But he didn’t realized how weak still he was: he could see the stairs getting closer but he could hear the footsteps behind him getting closer too.

It happened so fast that he didn’t even get a chance to prevent it. A hand came to grasp his ankle, making him fall and hit his head against the edge of the wooden hand rail. Pain exploded as the world started to swim around him, waves of blackness calling him like a siren’s song. He felt hitting his head a second time on the hard pavement while hand were everywhere, pain raising up after their passage.

_I didn’t want to hurt you but you leave me no choice. Why can’t you see that I’m the one for you? Why can’t you love me? But you’re gonna stay with me, I’m making you love me._

The pain became too much to bear, those words were promises of a nightmare becoming too real. He had failed. He had a chance and had failed it. As he lost himself into oblivion, Brian knew that he was going to pay for it. So, he just hoped to never wake up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable26.html


	27. Twenty - Sixth Chapter

Twenty - Sixth Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Those eyes, so dark with insanity, windows to the twisted soul underneath “What’re you doing?” He swore at AJ. A foot came flying out at him. AJ barely had enough time to bring his hands up over his face before he was caught in the side of his head with Zach’s boot. Stars exploded in his vision. His already injured head screamed at him in protest._

_Dazed, AJ fought against the waves of blackness that tried to take him under. He felt something grab his arm and tried to fight against it, but he was weak as a kitten. His sleeve was shoved up in no time at all. Just as AJ felt his vision clear a little, there came the unmistakable feel of a needle sliding into his skin. His first instinct was to buck and fight, but reason prevailed. If he did, the needle could break in his skin or pierce through and cause damage._

_As quickly as it went in it was being drawn back out. AJ felt the effects almost instantly. His body felt heavier; his limbs didn’t want to move._

No, God, make it stop. No, no!

_Suddenly hands were on him; gentle hands that were trying to soothe as they moved over him. He heard Brian’s voice again, slightly distant. “What did you do to him? You said you wouldn’t hurt him! That was the deal!”_

Sweet Brian. Sweet, kind, loving Brian, so broken on the inside and yet still so full of love. Only Brian would think to make a deal with someone as insane as Zach just to protect the person they loved .Why, Brian? Why would you do it? The thought plagued AJ. It tormented him the same as the memories were doing. He was trapped here, relieving it all, stuck in a daze. Was this his hell? Was this his punishment for not saving Brian? Had he died and was now sentenced to an eternity of this pain?

_Then Brian was there, right by his face, kissing his cheek. “Be strong, Alex. Help is coming. Be strong, please. I love you. More than anything, I love you.” Brian whispered almost silently in his ear. One last touch and then it was gone._

No, don’t leave! Don’t go with him! Everything in AJ wanted to scream that. Don’t go! He felt something touching him, something that didn’t feel a part of the dream, but he couldn’t focus on it. His mind kept playing that image over and over of Brian and Zach, walking off together into the darkness. Every detail was burned into his mind with stunning clarity. No!

_“Stop, just stop! Can’t you see you’re making it worse?”_

What was that? That wasn’t part of his memory. Was it? He didn’t recall that. That hadn’t happened. But who was that? Who was here with him in his hell? That almost sounded like….Howie. But why would Howie be here?

“I said don’t touch him!”

Clearer that time. That was definitely Howie. A little of the fog on AJ’s brain lifted. Ok, so maybe he wasn’t in hell. But if he wasn’t in hell, where on earth was he?

More of the fog was lifting, making his thoughts clearer and clearer. There was some strange beeping sound nearby. Other voices were coming out now too. Was that Nick’s voice? And…Kevin? But that meant that he was alive. The last memory he had, though, was lying on the ground, watching Brian and Zach walk away from him….

Brian.

If there was anything that could clear his mind, thoughts of Brian would do it. AJ felt the last of the fog disappear from his brain. It was all suddenly clear. He had to be in a hospital. This meant that help had found him in enough time to save him from whatever Zach had injected into his body. If the guys were here with him maybe that meant that Brian had been found too!

AJ forced his eyes to open, though they ached to close again when light blinded him. He had to blink furiously to help them adjust. When they did, he saw three faces looming in front of him.

“You’re finally awake!” Nick exclaimed cheerfully. The sound seemed to echo around inside of AJ’s head with all the force of a boulder. He fought it as another wave of disorientation tried to come over him. That fog wanted to come back, trying to blanket his mind. No! Brian, Brian, Brian. He said that name like a mantra in his mind. It helped chase away the fog again; helped pull him even further back to reality.

Though it took more energy than he had thought it would, AJ forced himself to say the one thing that mattered the most to him. To speak his mantra out loud instead of just in his mind. “Brian.”

Howie’s hand was there, that touch so familiar, brushing against AJ’s arm. “Honey, take it easy. You were in quite an ordeal. You’ve been out of it for a few days.”

A few days? What? Holy shit. “Days?” He croaked out. God, but his throat felt dry! He ran his tongue around his mouth, trying to work up moisture, swallowing it down before he spoke again. “How long?”

“This is day four since they found you, AJ.” Kevin said softly.

Four days? Jesus. That was almost enough to distract AJ’s brain. But, as he shifted his body, pain echoed through him, pulling him from his thoughts for a bit. That momentary clarity brought on by the pain was enough to clear out AJ’s head and leave room for other thoughts. Room for him to remember that they hadn’t answered him about Brian yet. Granted, he hadn’t actually asked a question, but they had neatly avoided talking about Brian. That could mean only one thing. Something was wrong.

Despite the aches and pains, AJ put his hands on the bed and scooted his body up a little bit. When hands reached for him, he waved them away. “Where is Brian?” He asked them. The rasp that was always in his voice was stronger than normal, making his voice sound hard and harsh. It was an odd contrast to the trembles that were running through his limbs. He felt the familiar tug of detox; withdrawals and cravings battling inside of him. For once, it didn’t matter. In the face of his greatest fear, none of it mattered.

Three faces looked down, eyes refusing to meet his. In that instant, AJ had his answer. “You haven’t found him.” He wouldn’t think about the other option; refused to think that Brian might be dead. That thought was shoved ruthlessly down. Brian was  _not_  dead. He would know. In his heart, he would know. Part of him would be missing. Brian was not dead. He was alive.

“Not…not yet.” Kevin said. His voice trembled a little with the words.

AJ recognized that Kevin was upset. Who could blame him? This was his cousin they were talking about here! But he couldn’t find it in him to care. He’d been out for four fucking days and they hadn’t found Brian yet! Jesus  _fucking_  Christ!

The instant he thought that, AJ mentally stopped himself, thinking absently that Brian would slap him if he heard him say something that blasphemous. Oh, God, if only Brian  _was_  here to give him a head slap for that. It would mean that Brian was ok.

Vaguely he realized that the others were talking again. He caught the tail end of something that Kevin was saying. “…many times do I have to say I’m sorry?” The older man hissed.

“Howie, Kev, not right now.” Nick, surprisingly, was stepping in as the peacemaker. Nick, of all people! “Later, ok? Come on guys. Later.”

There was something going on here. But was it important? If it didn’t deal with Brian, what did it matter? He was the most important thing right now! “Are you guys going to tell me what the hell is going on?” AJ snapped at them, effectively cutting off their conversation.

His question had been meant to demand what was going on with Brian, but they took it as meaning that he wanted to know what they were talking about. Flushing, Kevin looked at the ground. Howie glared. But it was Nick who answered. “This doesn’t matter right now.” He told AJ, his eyes traveling to the two others. “It doesn’t matter how we got here. What matters is what we do now. What matters is finding Brian.”

AJ stared at them all in confusion. Slowly his brain seemed to piece together what little he’d heard with what Nick had just said. “What do you mean, how we got here?” He asked Nick. Furious, his eyes turned to the others. “What the hell does he mean?” Though it hurt, AJ pushed his back off the raised bed, leaning toward them. His hands curled into fists in the blankets. This had something to do with Brian. Everything that dealt with Brian was important. He needed to know! _Four days_  his mind kept repeating. So much could have happened in four days.

“Well…” Kevin shuffled a little, avoiding looking at AJ. “Now, keep your cool, J. Please. I didn’t mean any harm, I really didn’t. I mean, you know how Brian gets. You can’t stop him when he has his mind set on something. And really, I figured he’s a grown man; he can make his own decisions, right? Not that it makes it ok.” Kevin’s words poured from him, one tripping over the next as they rushed to get past his lips. “I know I’m to blame and I hope you’ll forgive me, I just did what he wanted. I mean, he’s so stubborn he would have found a way to do it anyways…”

A general idea was becoming clear even through the jumbled chaos of what Kevin was saying. As it became clearer, AJ felt his anger start to build. He held one hand up. Silence filled the room.

Holding on to his anger by a single thread, AJ stared at Kevin’s bowed head. “Did you know about Brian’s little self-sacrificing plan? Is that what you’re telling me?”

“Yes.” Kevin whispered.

“And you told no one about it?”

“No.”

“You knew he was going to go and trade himself to Zach to save us? To save me?”

“Yes.”

For a tense moment there was silence. Then, “You son of a bitch.”

If Howie and Nick hadn’t been fast enough, AJ would have completed his leap from the bed. As it was, they barely caught him. He didn’t feel the aches in his body, didn’t care about the IV hooked to his hand that was now tugging as he struggled against the hands holding him to the bed. All he cared about was venting every ounce of pain in him against Kevin.

“I’m sorry, Age.” Kevin said. He looked so guilty and so upset that, in less dire circumstances, AJ might have relented. But not now. Not with this. All he could see was a haze of red. This person in front of him was the reason Brian had been able to do this. Another part of AJ’s mind argued with him, saying that he had noticed something was wrong and hadn’t pressed it. He was just as guilty. That guilt only fueled his anger.

He shoved against Nick and Howie’s restraining hands. “You’re  _sorry_?” He hissed at him. “You’re fucking  _sorry_? Like that makes it ok? He’s in the hands of the one motherfucker who has taken his heart, mind and soul and fucked him over. He’s been with Zach, a man who has no qualms about killing anyone that ruins this  _fantasy_  he’s built, for  _four fucking days_! Do you realize what he’s living with right now?”

“I…”

“This man has killed people! He fucking ran Nick off the road and cut his brakes! He bashed  _me_  on the head, kicked the shit out of me, tied me up, and drugged me! The whole time, do you know what he was doing? Talking. Not to me. To people who weren’t there. Arguing with them about Brian. He would’ve killed Brian because he thought that Bri brought me with him when he was supposed to come alone. If Brian pisses him off, he won’t hesitate to kill him. And  _you let him go with him_?” The last words ripped out of AJ like a scream.

Nick pushed hard against AJ, trying his best to keep him in the bed. “He’s alive, AJ.” He told him quickly. “We know he’s alive. Zach hasn’t killed him.”

“That’s right.” Howie chimed in. He, too, pushed harder into AJ, almost laying half on top of him to keep him pinned down. “He called Kev’s cell.”

That put a momentary end to AJ’s struggles. He went completely still. His eyes locked on Howie, the one person in the room he trusted more than anyone else. “He called?”

Now that AJ wasn’t struggling, Howie relaxed his grip, though he didn’t completely let go. “He did. He said to tell you not to forget what he said and that he meant every word. He said other stuff, about how he wanted to be there and all that kind of stuff, how Zach loves him, but we think he was just saying it as part of the game to stay safe.”

“No shit? Duh.” AJ rolled his eyes. This gave his heart new hope, though. If Brian was well enough to make phone calls, he couldn’t be too badly injured. Zach must trust him a little if he was allowing Brian to call out. AJ’s mind drifted back, sifting through the grainy memories from that night. “He’s going to play it safe till we rescue him.” AJ said softly, closing his eyes. Again, he saw the dark forest, little flashes of Brian by him. It was all so blurry and jumbled. “He…Bri was talking about having a house here, in Lexington. Close to his parents. I think Zach was agreeing with him.”

Frustrated, AJ brought his hands up, covering his face. He tried to force his memories to become clearer. It felt like there was something important he was missing! “I remember he called 9-1-1. I couldn’t really tell what he was saying, though. Dammit!” AJ thumped his hands against his forehead. “It’s so fucking jumbled up.”

Howie’s hand was suddenly there, smoothing across his hair. “Honey, you were drugged pretty hard.” He said. “No one expects you to remember anything. You’ve already told us more than we knew before. That’s a good thing. It’s helpful.”

“Yeah, Age. We’ll let Micheal and the others know, don’t worry. They’ll make sure to start looking around the Littrell’s house.” Nick added.

AJ moved his hands from his eyes. “I’m coming with you.”

“No!” Three voices said at the same time. It was Howie who continued, adding “You need to stay here. You’ve been sick and hurt, Alex. You need to stay in the hospital. Leave this to the police, ok? Let them do their job.”

One look at Howie’s face showed that his friend was firm in this. Instantly, AJ reworked his strategy. There was no way they were going to just let him walk out of here, not while they were on guard. So, he had to get them out of here.

It wasn’t hard to let his eyes slide closed or to let his body sag a little with exhaustion. Immediately they were all rushing to tell him that he should sleep some. Inside, AJ smirked. On the outside, he pretended to battle a yawn. “I’m fine. I want to help.” He protested.

“No, no, Age, you just sleep. We’ll come tell you the instant we know anything.” Nick was reassuring him. Howie kissed his forehead and smiled down at him. “You just rest, honey. I promise I will personally come tell you anything I find out, ok?”

“I…” He paused, yawned. “I’m not that sleepy…” Then, shameless, AJ pretended to drift off to sleep. Through his lashes he watched as his three friends crept silently from the room, shutting the door gently behind them. Then, because he knew Howie knew him well, AJ waited a few minutes more until he was convinced that even Howie was gone.

Once he was sure, AJ opened his eyes and sat up in bed. He looked around the room. First and foremost he needed clothes. Usually in these places they kept your clothes in a bag in the bathroom. At least, they had the few times he’d had to overnight it at a hospital. So AJ grit his teeth and climbed out of his hospital bed on legs that were shakier than he wanted to admit to. He started to walk, only to feel a tug at his hand.

It took him a moment to realize that the IV was still in. AJ thought about it for a moment before shrugging. Only one thing to do. He pulled the tape off first, then pulled his IV out. He did the same to the one in the bend of his elbow as well. That one started to bleed slightly, so he pressed his thumb over it as he headed to the bathroom.

Right there on the shelf sat a bag. Inside, AJ found his clothes from that night as well as a change of clothes. Most likely Howie’s doing. He would think of bringing AJ fresh clothes for when he went home. Ignoring the aches in his body, AJ took off his gown and dressed himself. If they thought he was going to stay here, they had another thing coming.

When he was finally dressed, he moved back into the room. To his surprise, he found Kevin standing by his bed. AJ saw the look on his face and didn’t even hesitate. He stepped sideways to the tray near him and grabbed the scalpel that was sitting there. He held it in one hand, his eyes hard, his body taunt, daring Kevin to step toward him. “I’m not staying here.”

“You need to be in that bed, Age.” Kevin said gently. “I had a feeling you’d try to leave. It’s why I came back.”

“I’m not getting in that fucking bed while Brian’s out there. Now get the hell out of my way.”

“No.”

AJ snarled and took a step forward. He must have looked as hard and furious as he felt because Kevin took a step back. “Get on the other side of the bed, Kev. I will not hesitate to use this if you don’t get the fuck out of my way.”

He saw as Kevin realized that AJ meant what he said. Hands in the air, he slowly backed up, moving to the side of the bed furthest from the door. AJ nodded at him. “Now toss me your keys.”

With one hand, Kevin grabbed his keys and tossed them without even hesitating. “AJ, you really shouldn’t do this.” He tried again. “You could hurt yourself more and that wouldn’t be helping Brian at all.”

“Yeah, because you’re so keen on ‘helping’ Brian, right?” AJ snapped. He tossed the scalpel to the side and darted out the door before Kevin could say a word. Even though his body trembled, his legs were fast as he found the staircase and made his way to the ground floor. Nothing and no one was going to stand between him and Brian. In his mind, he heard Brian’s words again, the last thing he’d said before leaving with Zach. . _“Be strong, Alex. Help is coming. Be strong, please. I love you. More than anything, I love you.”_

AJ sent up a silent prayer.  _Now it’s your turn. You be strong, Bri. Please. I’m coming. I love you. More than anything, I love you too._

 

 

 

 

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Fate hadn’t been kind lately with Brian and he should already knew that his wish to never wake up again wouldn’t be granted. The place where he had been, before waking up, wasn’t a particular one like a beach or infinite grass or whatever someone read in books or see in movies. There was only blackness, no silence if not for his own breathing and everything didn’t weight: his body seemed boneless, his mind was in a midway place where no harm was taken in consideration. More honestly, he wasn’t even thinking... he didn’t even know what he was doing, maybe it was just a safe place to hide before he was forced to get back to reality. Get back to the pain and get back to Zach.

Because, when it happened, Brian believed that he had been sent to hell without the dying part in between.  Pain had raised up to a level that wasn’t that bad but it was everywhere, like someone had used him as a punching bag, forgetting that there was more bones than skin to protect. His head, though, was the worst: it burned, it throbbed and it felt like some marching bands had taken their place and were doing the most noised songs in the entire world.

A voice started to make its way through the constant pounding, a whisper that contrasted with the raw anger showed into those words. It made him cringed although his pained hazed brain couldn’t grasp what they meant. It was still all confused around him, still he didn’t seem to remember what happened to him though a place in his mind knew but didn’t want to pass along the information about memories there were quite horrible as his first meeting with that blonde guy that now was still speaking, louder and louder until Brian was sure that someone could hear him if he was outside that house. But, now and then, through darkness that was slowly dissolving, flashes kept hit him, an overflow of sensations that made his aches hurting more, if that was possible: the feeling of knuckles slamming into his skin, knees pressing down onto his kneecaps, making impossible for him to move or to try to escape, teeth that sank deep, forming a permanent reminder that someone had tried to mark him as his own.

_I’ve to punish you, my angel. You’ve tried to run away, you’ve tried to go back to that rebel! What I have to do to make you see that I’m your only one? I’ve to show you this, I’ve to show how wrong is to feel something for that guy._

More alert, despite that meant that even the pounding in his head became more active, Brian tried to block out those words, focusing all left energies into what he needed to do to just be away from that man. Screw about trying to act so he could have a little freedom, screw trying to be the good one that didn’t think about his own safety. Perhaps it was only because of the pain, perhaps it was because he had tried to save Alex and didn’t work out... of, simply and plain, he was beyond being scared if he had to stay another day with Zach. He was wrong about the hurting part, a psycho like him couldn’t discern the difference between good and bad... hell, that guy saw the ghost of the guys he had murdered, how he was supposed to stay calm and not be afraid to be hurt again?

_I’ll make you see how someone is supposed to love you._

Then hands. Hands up and down his body, caressing and just touching. The bruised parts of his skin screamed in agony but his mind’s screams were much louder because it recognized the true meaning behind those acts. The realization didn’t take too much to present itself: history was going to repeat itself and, if he didn’t do anything to stop this, it would never end. That thought was enough to snap Brian from that place framed between consciousness and darkness; colors and shapes swam into each other but all Brian could focus was on that blonde hair and blue eyes that seemed to have doubled. It didn’t matter, he started to struggle, trying to liberate his hands from the tight grasp of Zach’s ones.

“Oh no, I can’t have you doing this. You aren’t going to run away from me.”

Before Brian couldn’t even try to protest or try to, a metal click resounded in the room, along with the cold feeling of something around his wrists. Chained. He chained him to the bed. How was he now supposed to fight against? He was about to plea, to beg and ask forgiveness... anything to just let him go when Aj’s words flooded trough him: back to a hotel room where he had been hiding from everyone but him, after showing him what Zach had done to him. How Alex believed that he had fought. _I don’t see you being the type to just stand there and let it happen. You’re stronger than that.”_ It prided him, giving him energies and forces he had never thought he could have. He wouldn’t beg, instead he would fight for his freedom even if it meant doing things that sicked him to the very core. Willing down any pains and fears, he looked with a steady gaze into Zach’s eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere. – He pronounced firmly. – There’s no use for the handcuffs.”

The hands stopped for a second, a grin morphed Zach’s smile into something that made him shiver in fear but the other guy didn’t say anything. His hands went back to their tasks, slowly coming inch and inch closer to his crotch but stopped before reaching it. Lips travelled up, covering every part of his skin that only now he realized was uncovered. Once they reached his jaw, Brian didn’t turned it away, although the desire was so strong that it physically hurt; he didn’t even flinch as they started to leave butterfly touches all over his jaw line, avoiding his lips.

“My love, you know that I can’t do it. - Zach whispered in his right ear, before nibbling it. – Do you remember that night? We were so perfect for each other, you were so heavenly! The way your body reacted to my touches, the way you screamed for me... I want it all again. I need to feel you again.” As he spoke, his hands started stroking him in the same forcefully way they did that night. All came back once again inside Brian’s mind, it was like nothing had changed: his body reacting, his shame growing and growing until it was all he could think of. He was letting him doing whatever he wanted, he wasn’t fighting back like he should. _Oh Alex, you were wrong. I’m not strong._ It was a downhill spinning, everything was slipping and he didn’t know how to stop. There was no escape, no matter how he responded or how much he yelled that he didn’t want this, Zach was so engrossed in himself that every no was like a yes to him. But he couldn’t let him win like that, he couldn’t let him destroy what little hope he had for a future with Alex. He shut himself down, alienating from that reality and trying to find a way to make Zach releasing him before he could do any other harm.

_Think, Brian, think._ The hands were gone, a wet sensation told him what was happening but he refused to give it attention, although he couldn’t help his body’s reaction to try to escape from it, without a care if it was going to hurt itself. _Don’t focus on what he’s doing, think of Alex. If anything, do it for him._ “Zach, please... let me free... I... I want to touch you.”

His words, that admission about a desire to reciprocate the same feelings, did its work on Zach: everything stopped, no more touching or licking or groping or whatever. Zach raised up his head, his mouth still open and looked at him completely in shock. “What did you say?”

Brian didn’t lower his gaze. “Free me, please. I wanna be able to touch you.”

Zach didn’t reply. He just leaned over and kissed him, this time Brian didn’t object or try to put up a resistance. Instead, he merged all of his confusion, anger and repulsion into something that could resemble lust, something that could assure Zach that he was being honest and really wanting to touch him. Before they could part, a small click told him that he was free. Battling the urge to just run, he knew that he had to play well his cards or he would end up like that once again. He had to be sure that Zach wouldn’t be able to catch him when he would ran away and there was only a way. He brought his hands on Zach’s back, stroking and caressing it as he tried his best to not see the pleasure showing its light inside those eyes. With an instinctive twist, he moved the two of them, pinning Zach on the mattress, bringing his hands over the head. He kept kissing him, remembering what Nick had shown him once, something about mixing the pain with the pleasure. He could feel Zach’s arousal beneath him, which led him to think about his last night with Alex, how he had been scared about feeling his own, even if it was covered by layer. Now, instead, there weren’t clothes between them and sensing it was just close to send him on a panic overdrive but he managed to get it down. It wasn’t the time for that, he couldn’t waste or lose any second. Before the other could do something, he took the cuffs and chained them around his wrists, the click of the metal sounded so appealing as he waited for Zach to react.

“What? What did you do?” He asked, looking at him with surprise.

Tracing a finger on his cheek, Brian just smiled. “I want to play dirty too. Don’t you like it?”

The pleasure had Zach shivered. “I love everything that you wanna do, my love.”

“That’s good.” Brian replied with a mischievous grin. Then, he jumped down from the bed, gathering his clothes. He didn’t even look if those were his or Zach’s, he just grabbed the first shorts and shirt that he found, quickly putting them on.

“Brian? What are you doing? - Zach asked with an heartbreaking tone in his voice and trying to not listen to the others voices, the ones that were making fun of him and stating that Brian was going to abandon him. He wouldn’t do that, not after the way he had kissed him! – You can’t leave me! You love me!”

Brian turned around, eyeing the man he had been scared of for so long time. Now, he couldn’t hurt him anymore or couldn’t force him to stay there and take another torture. But, if anyone would had asked, he didn’t know where it started what would had took place only a moments after. One minute, he was ready to run without even looking back for a moment, just wanting to forget that he had been here for days and days and try to find his way back home; a minute after, he was still standing near the bed, looking down to the man chained at it as all of his hurt and pain merged together in a feeling he had fought with for God only knew how long. Anger. It wasn’t the simple angry emotion as a result of everything that had took place in days and days of torture and suffering. No, it was pure and raw rage, that kind of feeling that could blind you, a fire that had started so slowly but now was burning with high flames and consumed every obstacle that stood between it and its freedom. For the very first time in his life, Brian wanted to hurt Zach like he had done to him or as much as he had hurt Alex or Nick; he wanted to hurt him and made him bleed like those guys he killed might had. In that moment, he felt like he could do the same exact thing and it would be so easy: all he had to do was to trick Zach and then struggle him. It was so simple, so tempting and yet a tiny but strong voice in his mind stopped him. Killing him wouldn’t make him better than Zach himself, on the contrary, it would make him nothing more than him. Even if it was a fair revenge for all he had been through or what everyone around him had to go through because of him... even if he had all the good reasons he knew that it was only a flickering revenge, a satisfaction that it would only turn into guilty, something he didn’t need on top of everything.

However, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to make him pay for what he had done, only that he wasn’t going to punch him or do any damage physically. But, sometimes, words could hurt worse than  hundred stabs, especially if they were directed to that weak spot that could destroy someone. And Brian knew where to attack and, oh, he wasn’t afraid of doing it.

“You love me, I know you do! – Zach was still screaming, moving all around trying to snap free from the cuffs. – It’s all that bastard’s fault! He brainwashed you! We belong together, I know and I know that you love me!”

Brian didn’t wait anymore. There, the air filling with his wheezing breathing, he didn’t know how he managed to keep a firm and somehow cold voice. “Love you? Love you? Do you honestly believe that I can love someone like you? Someone that had killed innocent guys for his own pleasure, someone that had tried and hurt the ones that I love the most! I won’t ever love you! – He inched closer, so close that eyes were just touching and lips were that close that, in another moment, it would scared him to the very end. Not now, not where Brian felt like there was someone else playing his part, moving his body and speaking the words he wanted to say every day from that night. – You disgust me.”

What happened next, Brian couldn’t expect or prevent it. Focused totally on those twisted eyes, he couldn’t help the satisfaction that started to arise in him as he saw see the hurt and the heartache appearing in those cold eyes while he understood what he was saying. It was overwhelming not being a victim anymore, it made him feel like he had finally inflicted the same amount of pain he had to go through and, in the logical side of his mind, it scared him. It scared him the way he was enjoying the pain in those eyes, he was enjoying being the one to finally have the control in his hands.  

Then, it happened. In an instant, the hurt from Zach’s eyes was gone, replaced with that red madness that had always been present from the start. Then, Brian found himself flying backwards, a stabbing pain in his stomach as Zach’s feet kicked him with an amount of force that Brian didn’t knew it was humanly possible to have.

Something cracked, he felt it as soon as he landed on the floor. Something in his stomach cracked or broke but he didn’t let the pain stop him. He ran. Ran away from that room, ran away from those screams that haunted for a revenge

_You’re gonna pay! You’re gonna pay for this! If I can’t have you, then nobody has to! You’re gonna be a real angel, no one has to touch you!_

But Brian kept running. Soon, he had done the stairs; soon, he was out from the door. He didn’t’ even felt the rain starting hitting his skin, barely covered to defend itself from the freeze and cold of the air. No, the cold helped his body to numb itself more, silencing every aching or pain. More important, the cold numbed his mind, leaving out the only thought that could push him out of the woods. _Alex, I’m coming._

So he ran.   

 

 

 

 

  

______________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

The further AJ drove, the more his anger grew. He could feel it building in him, threatening to take him under, threatening to break him apart. Right underneath it ran fear. Would he get to Brian in time? All those times he’d promised to keep Brian safe; to take care of him! Now look where he was. Off somewhere in the hands of the person who he was the most terrified of, all to protect those that he loved.

“Damn you, Brian.” AJ cursed, wiping a hand over his cheek. He took the next corner a little sharper than he intended, not used to driving Kevin’s truck, but he didn’t care. “Damn you. Why’d you have to do this? Why’d you have to be so fucking self-sacrificing?”

He knew why. That was just who Brian was. And, in his shoes, AJ knew he would have probably done the same thing. Anything, to keep loved ones safe. If he had to choose between Brian being in danger, or going and being tortured to keep Brian safe, he knew he’d choose the torture every single time.

Another turn came up on the empty road. AJ almost took it, driving instinctively to the Littrell’s house. At the last minute he stopped himself, jerking the car straight, thanking God that there was no one else on the road. He might have caused an accident otherwise.

No, he couldn’t pull up over there. If he did, everyone would probably gain up on him and force him back to the hospital. Absently he scratched at his neck. He didn’t want to go back to the hospital. He wanted to find Brian;  _needed_  to find him. To do that, he had to stay out of the way of the others.

AJ pulled up one street over, parking in someone’s empty driveway. When they came home they’d wonder who the hell was parked there but he didn’t care. From there he snuck into their back yard, climbing over the fence and dropping down to the ground on the other side. Thankfully, no one saw him, no one came after him.

Now AJ was free to come at the very woods he’d been in the last time he’d been awake. From here he was coming in at a different angle, so it took him a moment to find his way to where he and Brian had been. But soon enough he found the little house that he’d seen in the distance that night, dark and abandoned. It was empty; but he’d expected that. He wandered around outside, looking at the ground, trying to force his brain to think.

Where would they have gone? Brian had made a point of saying that they’d stay in Lexington, right? He’d stressed that when he’d been talking to Zach overtop of AJ. So that meant that they were somewhere in this town. He’d also mentioned being nearby so that he could be close to his parents. So, they couldn’t be too far.

Following a hunch, AJ snagged his phone, pulling it from his pocket and turning it on. He waited through the power up impatiently. Once it was ready, he ignored the stack of messages it said he had, as well as missed calls, and he dialed 411. After a moment, he spoke with a woman and was soon connected with a real estate office in Lexington. A perky sounding woman answered the phone. Good. Women were easier to charm then men.

“Well hello darling.” AJ let his voice fill with a good humor he didn’t feel. Act, he told himself. Play the part. “I sure hope you can help me today. See, my partner and I are looking to buy a home in the area and finally move in together.”

“Oh, congratulations!” She gushed happily. Oh yeah, this was going to be easy.

“Thank you. I’m really excited by this. But, see, here’s the thing.” AJ pretended to sound a little frustrated and a little amused at the same time. All the while, his eyes scanned the woods, looking for clues. “My partner, he told me he had a house he was thinking of buying and he wanted me to check it out. So I flew up here to check it out, but he had to go on a meeting and he left. I got to my parent’s house and all I had was a note telling me to contact the realtor and I could see the place. But he never said what realtor!”

The two laughed together. “Well that’s simple enough. I can look up his name in the system if you’d like me to.” She offered.

“Would you? Oh, that’d be great!” AJ’s cheerful voice was at total odds with the murderous look on his face. He moved away from the back of the house, trying to check the ground, to see if there was a trail of footprints anywhere. He had to resist sighing in disgust when he saw the tons of footprints. The search party had ruined any chance of a trail.

“Ok, hon, what’s his name?”

“Well, if he was looking up stuff under just his name it’d be listed for Zach. If it’s under his and mine, it’d be Zach and Brian.” The lie rolled easily off his tongue. Anything, he’d do anything it would take to get Brian back. Please, God, let his hunch be right. It would pay off so well!

The woman laughed softly in his ear and AJ felt his heart start to pound loudly with the hope that was building. “Oh my God, I don’t even need to look it up. Of course I remember him! Zach Williams. What a sweet, sweet man! So you’re his Brian, hm? Gosh, he talked so much about you I feel like I already know you!”

AJ gritted his teeth. “That’s him. He’s just a sweetie like that.” God, that was hard to force out. “So, does that mean you know where I should go to view the house?” Please, please, let this work! Let his luck hold strong!

“It’s too bad he had to leave. He said he wanted to surprise you with this. But, since he told you to get ahold of us, I suppose that means its ok for me to tell you this. Just don’t tell anyone, ok? I’d get in trouble people found out I gave this out without verifying who you are.”

“My lips are sealed, darling.”

“He didn’t just find a house to view. He went ahead and bought the house.”  As she rattled off an address, AJ was already moving off into the woods. He knew exactly where she was talking about. It was a beautiful, older style house, about a fifteen to twenty minute walk through the woods. He knew he could make it faster.

He didn’t waste time saying anything to the lady at the real estate office. She’d already given him all the information he needed. Without hesitating, he ended the call and shoved the phone in his pocket even as he was running. Every part of his body ached and throbbed and screamed at him, protesting as he ran around trees, jumped over logs, and ducked under branches. He didn’t care.  _Brian, Brian, Brian._

In the middle of the woods was a creek. At one point in time, there’d been a log across it that he and Brian had used to walk over it in the few times they’d walked here. All of the guys had spent time in the Littrell house before, visiting with Brian and enjoying a break. They’d all learned the woods behind the house fairly well.

When AJ reached the creek, he started cursing steadily when he saw the log wasn’t there. The creek wasn’t too wide, AJ thought to himself. He made the split second decision, never having stopped his running, and there was no time to change his mind. He hit the bank and pushed off as best he could. He almost made it across. Almost.

But his body wasn’t at its usual strength. He made it about three quarters of the way before he hit the water. Luckily he was in the shallower part; he only sunk to his knees. But the splash from his impact was enough to drench him almost completely. He didn’t care. As soon as he could move, he was wading out the river, dripping as he came up on the other bank. Then he was running again. What he’d do when he got there, he had no idea, but dammit, he would not leave Brian alone any longer than he had to.

By the time he reached the backyard of the house, he was panting from the strength it took him to run. He was frantic in his need to get to Brian. But, he was practical too. If he charged in there, he could get Brian killed. He needed to move slowly, carefully.

As quietly as possible, he made his way up the back porch, keeping out of view of the open patio door.  He crept up to it, keeping his ears alert. There were no sounds from inside the house. AJ snuck a glance in, saw the dining room was empty and chanced slipping inside. A peek in the kitchen showed that it was empty too.

A soft thump came from upstairs. AJ tipped his head up, glaring hard at the ceiling. So they were upstairs. Images of what could be happening up there spun around inside of AJ’s mind, building his rage back up, making his stomach churn. He had to force himself not to go rushing up there, find the room they were in, snatch Zach away and killing the man with his bare hands. Brian wouldn’t like that. He wouldn’t want AJ to go to jail. More importantly, Brian might end up hurt somehow.

This had to be done carefully. If he could avoid trouble, he would.

A sudden sound alerted AJ that someone was running down the stairs. He heard cursing, followed by a crash. Then the sound of footsteps in the hall, on the stairs. Shit! That had to be Zach coming down. As much as AJ wanted a confrontation between him and Zach, he knew that it wasn’t smart. For all he knew, Zach could have a gun. So he did the practical thing and ducked inside the broom closet at the edge of the kitchen.

There he stood, holding his breath as he listened to footsteps beat across the floor, racing through the house and out the back door. God, Brian must have pissed him off. What had he done to Brian? Was he ok? Had he…had he killed him?

That thought ate at AJ’s insides. He couldn’t stay in here anymore. If Zach had gone out the back door, now was the time for AJ to sneak upstairs. He’d set Brian free and together they’d find their way out. As silently as he could, AJ stepped out of the closet. Silently he moved through the kitchen, pausing only for a moment to grab a knife from the butcher block.  _Best to be armed_  he thought.

Then, up the stairs, down the hallway, all the while the knife was gripped in his hand in case Zach decided to come back.

There was the sound of a voice, down at the end of the hall. It was soft, barely audible. The closer AJ got, the more he could hear it, though he couldn’t understand it. Wait a second…the voice sounded all wrong. That didn’t sound like Brian. Had he got the wrong house somehow? Was there a chance he was in the wrong place? Or had Zach taken someone else as well?

Nausea boiled in AJ’s stomach as he stepped up to the door and pushed it open with the knife. He never expected to find what he did. There was Zach, lying naked in the center of a bed, his hands chained to the bedpost. For a moment, all AJ could do was stand there and stare and wonder,  _Where the hell was Brian?_

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, he would lost himself in the woods!

When Brian first started to run away from the house, he didn’t even look at where he was going. The main thing was only to get away from that place and put a safe distance between him and Zach, though it would take a miracle for him to succeed into releasing himself. It didn’t matter anyway, he wouldn’t stand still and wait to see what could happen.

But, as the trees became more and more thick, he realized that he was running in the opposite direction where his home should be. Maybe the house where Zach had held him captive was really that far from the beginning of the woods and he couldn’t even remember from which direction they came from, but if he was going in the right direction, the trees would be less and less until the woods were replaced by grass. But back then... gosh! Too lost and too numb thinking over Alex had him losing any concept of space or time, neither paying attention to his surroundings. And now... now he was screwed. Totally screwed.

A dizzy spell made him lose his balance and before he could prevent it, he found himself flat on the ground, a sharp and burning pain from his ankle mixed itself with the others. Or, better say, made them awakening or maybe he had been to focus on running that he didn’t even notice any aches. Though, some of them couldn’t be silenced that simply! He rolled over onto his back, not caring about the raindrops that hit his face, washing away the dried tears. Had he been crying? He couldn’t remember, maybe he did... for what, the reasons could be so many that just beginning to think about them made him wanting to just lie there and wait, maybe hopelessly, for someone to save him. Having been always someone’s else hero, having always been the one that had to strengthen up and save his friends, now he just couldn’t do anymore. He was hurt, he was freaking dead tired but, most of everything, he was ashamed and disgusted about the things he had to do in order to escape. This wasn’t like when he had been raped, this time he had consciously thought about it and tried to pleasure Zach. How could Alex be able to want him or love him knowing what he did? And without Alex, without him by his side, what was the point into going on? God, giving up never sounded so tempting, he could already feel his aching throbbing less and less as he started to submit himself into the black ocean sweeping around him.

_Brian Thomas Littrell, don’t you fucking dare to give up!_

Strange, Brian thought, how come he was able to hear Alex’s voice? He opened his eyes, blinking them rapidly to try to adjust his visions but the double images didn’t disappear. And he wasn’t giving up, he was just getting to sleep a little.

_You can well sleep when you get back. If you go to sleep now, you’re not going to wake up._

A part of him, the one that was still fighting and clearly analyzing the situation, understood what the Aj’s voice conscience was pointing out: headache, dizziness and troubled vision meant only one thing and that was that he had probably a concussion. Which meant that falling asleep in the middle of nowhere wasn’t the smartest thing to do if he wanted to stay alive. And he wanted to be only... only that he was tired! Would it be wrong if he would just sleep a little? Then he would go back walking, trying to find his way home. Only few minutes...

_And then minutes will be hours and hours days... don’t fall asleep, Brian, or you’re going to let him win. You’ve come this far, you freed yourself from him. It’s just a little thing, the last thing and then it would be really over._

Him? Zach? Of course... Zach would be able to free himself, find him there and then the nightmare he had been able to escape from would start all over again. God, no! he couldn’t let it happen! His conscience, his Aj’s conscience, was right: what was the point in escaping if he would give up when he was so close to finally be free? Now it was the time to finally use that strength that Alex had always told him about, that forces that he never believed he had. First, he needed to check his own injuries: aside from the probable concussion – and he didn’t dare to think of something worse but the truth was that he was scared it might be – the rest of the aches were only due to the bruises all over his body, cuts from the handcuffs when he had tried to free himself and probably scratches from his fall. Passing a hand over his stomach cleared that he might had cracked a rib and the throbbing in his lower parts spoke of a twisted ankle. Oh well, he was used to that: jumping from stages, falling from stairs because he was that clumsy... Kevin always joked that it was a miracle that he still hadn’t broken it!

His mind set on the task, Brian slowly got up, standing still as he waited for the waves of dizziness spinning around him. Breathe in and then out, breathe in and then out, he repeated that mantra until he was sure that the nausea was under control. Then, he started walking: running was out of question, not only because of his injuries but he would be soon out of energies and he couldn’t afford that. Jogging and walking would take much longer time but it would get him far, maybe closer so he could be seen.

So, he walked towards the direction he had came from. Rain still poured down, flashes of lights now and then foreshadowed a storm and a cold wind battled against his naked skin. Still, he walked, singing to himself every song he knew, from the ones he was used to sing in church to Backstreet’s songs. Anything to keep himself awake.

Time lost its meaning. Well, it had lose it since the last time he had seen Alex, for he couldn’t remember if it had been only yesterday or two days before or even a week before. And now... now the seconds and the minutes stretched as they were hours, long spaces of time that didn’t help him to see if it was night or day or how long he had been walking since the last stop. He was lost, that for sure, because he couldn’t even see Zach’s house. What if he had taken the wrong direction again?

_No, don’t think like that. Just keep walking and you will be out of the woods._ He repeated like a mantra as he fought the growing desire to rest a little. Because he knew, he knew that if he rest now, he wouldn’t be able to keep going on. So, he regained singing some songs Nick had made him listened with his random cds he always brought wherever they went and kept walking. But when he ran out of songs, he didn’t’ stop but started rambling about all he could come up with: things he wanted to do as soon as he got home, places he wanted to visit as a normal guy, maybe with Alex with him. Gosh, there was so much he had to do before even thinking about travelling the world again.

His pace got slower, moving his legs seemed like dragging them through mud or quicksand. Although he forced them, forced himself to keep walking, he knew that he had to stop. The headache that had accompanied him during his walk didn’t slow down as he did; instead, it had turned into something worse, an ache spreading from his right temple through the back of his skull and then down onto the shoulder, making Zach’s bite throbbing even more than before. He had to stop, so he just leaned over a tree, sliding down until he was sitting, didn’t caring if he was on a puddle.

Just as he curled himself as tight as possible, barely caring if his rib screamed at the gesture, a loud bolt of lightning split the sky and made him shivered even more. Damn, wasn’t him lucky? Lost in the woods, hurt, tired and now there was a storm! No one knew, no one but Nick knew that he was absolutely terrified about storms: it wasn’t the lightning or the strong wind that scared him. No, it was the thunders, those loud rumbles that shook him every time. It was silly, he knew, because he was now twenty – seven years old and he couldn’t still be afraid, ‘cause he knew that there wasn’t nothing to be afraid of. But the memories connected to that natural force that made him jumpier and scared as a kitten. Back when he was in the hospital, one night there had been an awful thunderstorm: he had been asleep and he was all alone because, now that he wasn’t that sick, his parents had been sent home to rest. He didn’t recall why none of the nurses had come to check on him but the power went out and all he had been able to think had been to hide in the tiny bathroom.

And now... now he felt like that little boy. All alone with thunders chasing each other and dueling for being the loudest one. Maybe... maybe he could close his eyes for a moment. All around him was spinning, clones of trees and bushes danced at the rhythm of the rain. He would just rest a little and then he would get up and walk again.

_Just a minute._ He repeated as he rested his forehead on his knees, tightening himself more as shivers got more rough. _Just a minute._ Blackness pulled him under, welcoming him into its arms and with promises of sweet dreams. _Just a minute._  

_Just a minute._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Where’s Brian?” They were the only two words that AJ could make himself say. He stood in the door, knife in hand, staring at the man who was the center of his hatred. The center of the pain in his and Brian’s life. 

Zach tossed his head back and forth, his eyes wide and unseeing. “ _Gone, gone, gone!_ ” He sobbed out. Then the sadness turned to rage. “That bastard! I’ll fucking kill him!” Back to pain again, tears in his voice. “Oh, why’d he go? Why’d he leave me?” 

It didn’t take much for AJ’s mind to make the leap. Brian had been the one he’d heard racing out of the house. Brian was out there, right now, wandering the woods, trying to find his way home. AJ knew he should turn and leave right then. He needed to find Brian. That was the single most important thing. But somehow he found himself moving forward. His feet carried him toward the bed. Then he was standing over Zach, staring down at him. 

He saw the exact moment that Zach realized who was there. His eyes went wide and his face twisted in a rictus of grief and rage. “You!” He spat out. His whole body jerked as he tried to move his hands, the cuffs stopping them. When that didn’t work, he made to kick his feet out. 

AJ’s rage boiled up, gripping him tightly. He didn’t stop to even think. One minute he was standing beside the bed, Zach’s feet flying toward him; the next he was on the bed, knees on either side of Zach’s chest, one hand fisted in his hair, the knife held to his throat. 

Neither man moved. AJ panted with the force of his anger as he stared down at the man below him. His body vibrated with both his anger and with the trembles that came from his detoxing. “I ought to kill you right fucking now.” He hissed at Zach. “Slit your fucking throat and leave you here to bleed. I ought to torture you; make you hurt for every fucking moment you hurt him.” 

“I never hurt him.” Zach said with a insane little giggle. “We love each other.” 

The knife pressed into Zach’s skin, making a small red line of blood well up against his neck. AJ had just barely broken through the skin. “Don’t you talk about him like that. You don’t love him and he doesn’t love you. You’re a twisted little fucking bastard.” AJ leaned down, glaring at Zach. Oh, how he wanted to jerk that knife, to let it slice his throat open. But in the back of his mind he could hear Brian as clear as if he was standing right there.  _No_  he said to him.  _No, Alex. He’s not worth it. I don’t need you in jail. I need you here, with me._  

AJ took a deep breath, forcing down as much of his rage as he could. “I won’t kill you.” He told him. “Your ass is going to rot in fucking jail, knowing the whole time that Brian’s out there, without you, happy.” His face turned ever harder. “But I swear to God, you will never touch him again.” he told Zach. “Or I will find you and I’ll finish this. My way.” 

“You don’t scare me, you little punk!” Zach spat out. He pushed his throat against the knife. “Go ahead, kill me. You think you can? Think you’d like watching my blood pour out all over the place? You don’t have the balls to fucking do it!” 

The knife trembled slightly in AJ’s hand. He sat up, pulling his hand away from Zach’s throat before he gave in to temptation. He saw Zach’s smirk and couldn’t resist responding to it. He shifted off Zach’s chest and brought his knife hand down, sliding the knife underneath Zach’s cock, pressing the sharp blade against the base. Satisfaction blazed in him when he saw Zach freeze and his eyes go wide. “You think I don’t have the balls to kill you?” AJ whispered to him. “Test that theory and you won’t have any balls at all. I’ll cut them off. I’ll cut everything off. We’ll see how well you can rape people once you’re a eunuch.” 

AJ pulled the knife away and climbed from the bed. Behind him, he heard Zach roar with anger, vile things spewing from his mouth.  _Don’t listen_  he told himself. Outside, he heard a bang of thunder. A moment later there was the sound of rain hitting the roof, quickly moving from a drizzle to a downpour. Brian was out there in that. The poor man was probably terrified. He thought no one knew his fear of thunderstorms, but AJ knew, he’d seen it on the nights they’d shared a hotel room. He’d seen the way Brian’s body would tremble in his bed with each boom of the thunder and he’d ached each time to go hold him but he’d known he couldn’t. 

Just as he was moving to leave, AJ heard Zach shout something that made his blood run cold. “I hope he fucking dies out there! I hope I hit him hard enough that he’ll never make it home. Not with the damage I did to his fucking head!” 

Rage was a living thing. It didn’t just fill him, it roared its way up and exploded out of him. Before AJ even knew what he was doing, he spun around and drove the knife in his hand straight down into Zach’s thigh, all the way through and into the mattress. 

Without another word, he turned and raced out of the house, the sound of Zach’s screams like music in his ears. 

All that was important now was finding Brian. That was all that mattered. AJ didn’t know where to start, where to go, but he took off out the back door like a rocket, racing off toward the trees. The rain had erased most tracks, so he was running blindly, not sure where to go or what to do. 

The rain was coming down harder and harder, the clouds making the sky grow even darker. Night was rolling in even the blackness of the clouds blotted out the last bit of sunshine. Branches whipped against AJ’s skin as he ran through the trees, not knowing where he was going; only knowing that he had to find Brian. He had to! He called his name into the air, praying that Brian would hear him over the thunder, that he would find him somewhere. 

Fear dragged at him, wanting to pull him down, to yank him under. No! He wouldn’t give up! 

Suddenly, in a flash of lightning, AJ saw something white in the distance. He moved toward it, praying like he’d never prayed before. Another flash of light and AJ felt his heart almost explode. There was Brian! Leaning against a tree, curled up in a little ball, Brian sat motionless in the rain. 

AJ ran straight to him, dropping to the ground, sliding in the mud as he did. He didn’t care. He scrambled over the last few inches to where Brian was sitting, reaching for him as he sobbed his name over and over. “Brian, Brian! Baby, oh God, baby, it’s me!” AJ wasn’t even aware of the words as he said them. He cupped Brian’s face in his hands, that beautiful, precious face. 

Tears mixed with the rain on AJ’s face. He felt nothing; no cold, no pain. Only love for the man in front of him. He’d found him! Frantically he dropped a hand to Brian’s neck, feeling for a pulse. When he found one, he sobbed out loud. “Brian, baby, come on. Wake up. It’s me. It’s AJ. Come on now.” 

A small tremor ran through Brian. Though his eyes didn’t open, his mouth moved, forming one word in a soft whisper barely able to be heard through the storm. “Alex?” 

“Oh, baby, it’s me. I’m right here. I’ve got you now. You’re safe.” AJ didn’t think, he simply gathered Brian to him, stroking his hands over him. Brian was alive! 

“You found me.” Brian whispered. “You found me.” 

“I did. I’m sorry I wasn’t faster, Bri. God, I’m so sorry.” 

Brian’s head tipped up, his face nuzzling against AJ’s. “You found me.” He whispered again. Then his lips were rubbing over AJ’s, pressing in for a kiss that had AJ crying even more at the pure sweetness of it. When they broke apart, AJ looked into the face of the one he loved more than life itself and his body gave a tremble. 

Reality came crashing back in when AJ saw the blood mixing with the rain on Brian’s face. Zach’s words about head injuries drifted back to him. He saw Brian’s eyes flutter, fighting to open, and a new fear gripped at AJ’s heart. 

“Bri, baby, come on. I need you to wake up for me.” AJ said urgently. He slapped lightly at Brian’s cheek, trying to keep him alert. “You can’t go to sleep out here. You’ve got a head injury.” 

“I know.” Brian whispered. “So tired.” 

Determination stiffened AJ’s spine. He had to be strong right now. For Brian’s sake. He grabbed Brian’s hand, using it to pull Brian’s arm over his shoulders. “I know you’re tired, baby. You’ll rest soon, I promise. But we need to get you home. Come on now, on your feet.” 

It took almost all of AJ’s strength to plant his feet and pull them both upright. Brian’s body kept trying to sink back to the ground. But somehow AJ managed to get them up. He kept hold of Brian’s hand, keeping his arm over his shoulders, and he wrapped his other arm around Brian’s waist.  “That’s it, Bri, you’re doing good. Let’s get you home, baby. Come on, one foot in front of the other. Walk for me.” 

Brian said nothing, but he started to shuffle his feet. Dead ahead was the creek; AJ could hear it. So he steered them right. The street should be over there. From there, they could walk the road down to the house. They could do it. He’d carry him if he had to. 

It was the longest walk of AJ’s life. He kept up a reassuring litany, trying to keep Brian motivated. Twice Brian started to fall and AJ had to hold on tight, forcing him to stay on his feet, all the while pleading with him to keep moving. His own body was aching from the times he’d fallen, from the injuries he’d got when Zach had attacked him, from his dip in the creek. None of it mattered. 

Lights appeared ahead. “Bri, honey, we’re almost to the road. Just a little further. We’re almost there.” 

The trees broke around them, revealing the sidewalk ahead. AJ thanked God as they stepped onto the pavement. That was when he realized, as he felt the cold, wet cement, that he had lost his shoes somewhere along the way. It didn’t matter. He ignored the pain in the bottom of his feet. One foot in front of the other. 

There were lights ahead, down by the Littrell house. AJ focused on them as he kept him and Brian moving. Still speaking words of encouragement, AJ took step after step, not noticing the time or the distance, only focusing on his goal. Brian was getting heavier and heavier, obviously trying to go back to sleep. 

A sudden shout rent the air, breaking into AJ’s concentration. He pushed it aside. “Almost there.” Voices, louder now. “Just a little further, baby.” 

Someone was shouting again, closer this time. He heard a voice scream “Call an ambulance!” 

Then suddenly hands were on them, touching them both. AJ reacted instinctively, pulling Brian to him and trying to wrap him as close as possible. But still the hands were there, separating them, breaking them apart. “No!” AJ shrieked. He shoved at the hands, trying to force them away. “No!” 

A pair of arms wrapped around him just as someone took Brian from his grasp. AJ would have screamed, would have fought with all his might, but the voice in his ear suddenly became clear. “You’re safe, Alexander. You’re safe.” 

He recognized that voice. As AJ realized who it was, his body sagged. They’d made it. They’d made it back. “Brian…” 

“He’s right there. He’s alive, because of you.” The voice whispered. AJ turned his head, looking into Micheal’s eyes. “You saved him, Alexander.” 

“He saved himself.” AJ told him. Pride filled his heart. “He saved himself.” 

Then, as terror and pain broke through his barriers, AJ collapsed into Micheal’s arms and sobbed like a child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable27.html


	28. Twenty - Seventh Chapter

Twenty - Seventh Chapter

 

 

 

 

 

 

There had been few and rare times when Aj had let himself break down like that in front of everyone else; he could count them on his fingers and he doubted that he could come close to ten. But, in that single moment, nothing else mattered: days and days full of trying to be the strong one, forcing down every little fears and doubts because someone else was depending on him, had finally take its toll. Inside those sobs he poured out everything, feeling finally free to just let out without a care or worrying about depending on someone that couldn’t even hold himself up.

Micheal’s arms were anchors that grounded him to the reality. It was over, that nightmare was finally over and it was all because of Brian. Gosh, if it was possible, he loved his angel even more than before.

“What do you mean he saved himself?” Micheal’s question helped him to come down from the rollercoaster of emotions still gripping him. The man’s arms were still wrapped around him, a fatherly soothing pattern up and down his back, calming nerves that were all jittery not only from all the drama in the past hours.

So Aj recalled everything, from the moment he found out Zach’s house through his encounter with him until he finally found out where Brian was, all alone lost in the woods. “He did it all by himself, Micheal. Zach was chained to the bed when I got in.” He finished, the anger that his tale brought back again helped him to center himself. Anger was good, that was what he had always told Brian every time he had been about to collapse into guilt: anger gave him energies and strength, focus on what was really important instead than dwelling into what Brian must had done to get a chance like that. He looked over Micheal’s face and saw what probably was showing in his own eyes: the light of pride and amazement towards that man who couldn’t believe in his own strength.

“I’ve always knew that Brian was a strong guy but... – Micheal’s voice cracked with the emotion beneath it, a shimmer of unleashed tears in his eyes as they travelled towards the place where Brian had been placed while waiting for the ambulance. - ... this goes beyond it.”

Aj couldn’t agree more. Had he been afraid that Brian couldn’t survive being held by Zach, his heart didn’t fail to estimate how tough was his faith. It never broke, it never failed to lift Brian whenever he was down and, now, it didn’t fail him through the hardest time. “I didn’t do much for him. He didn’t only saved himself, he saved everyone else. He saved me.”

A simple nod as a reply, another hug and then Aj could see the change into the Micheal professional. “I know you want to be with him but... can you tell him exactly where the house is? I want to make sure that peace of shit root in jail before Brian would be released.”

Aj gave him the address and soon Micheal was out from the house, a phone connected to his ears as he shouted orders. He finally registered that they had been brought inside the Littrell’s house and people were crowding the living room: everyone was talking, some were outside waiting for the ambulance but most of them were gathered around the couch. He just hoped that they weren’t making Brian freak out, God only knew how he was reacting mentally. God only knew if this had been the last straw to his mind. The fact that Zach was going to be only a memory didn’t mean that it was over. Truly, it was far from over but finally they could only focus into healing.

He was about to go over and take his spot near Brian when Kevin came over him, clothes in his hands. “I know you’re probably still angry at me and... you have every right. But... you’re all wet and you can catch something and who would be there with Brian if you’re in bed with a cold?”

It was an awkward moment, maybe because both of them had a hard time when it came to realize a fault and ask for forgiveness. It had always been like that, back when Kevin wanted to keep everyone under control and he would only wanted to live his life the way he wanted. And back when drugs and alcohol took control of his mind, he found in Kevin his enemy, the one that was always trying to ruin his fun. In that past, he couldn’t recognize how much the older one had been worried to death about losing someone close to him once again and being that angry was his only reaction. Still... Aj couldn’t pass over the fact that he could prevent all of this, he could prevent Brian going over to the enemy and put himself in danger. Hell, they still could lose him if that damn ambulance didn’t arrive!

He could still lose him.

That thought was enough to stop every aching inside him, nothing physical could really come close to the stab at his heart when he thought about losing Brian. It wasn’t even conceivable, not now that he had became such a indivisible part of himself.

“Thanks.” He took the clothes from Kevin and started getting changed, didn’t caring about doing it in front of everyone. He just want to get it over quickly so he could reassure himself that Brian was still fighting. Nothing would stand between them, he didn’t care at all. A pair of jeans, a long sleeved shirt and a sweater... a Brian’s sweater, it filled him with his perfume. He inhaled it deeply, just smelling it made him feel better.

“He doesn’t let us close. – Kevin said once Aj was done changing. – Not even Jackie.”

“All of those people around him... he’s scared, hurt and tired.” _And maybe even worse._ He added mentally. And then, just like it had been summoned, a tiny sound made its way through the other voices. “Alex?”

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was all confused all around him.

Was he still in the woods? No, it couldn’t be. There was no rain, no thunders and a warm temperature that seemed like heaven. He thought harder, trying to recall the last images. It hurt but he needed to do it, he needed to know if he was safe or if Zach had been able to get him back.

No, no Zach. Alex had found him and then brought him back home. Oh, right, that was where he was. Home.

Alex.

He did it. The fear that he couldn’t save him, the fear that something bad was still holding his love back in the hospital, it disappeared and was replaced with relief. His kind words, the love sweeping through them, had been the only thing that had made its way through the fog surrounding his brain. It was the only thing that mattered now, it was the only distraction that could chase away any other memory. He wanted nothing more to forget everything and moving on.

Sleep.

How tempting it was? Too much, he had fought it for what seemed an eternity. Always like that, while Alex seemed to be able to sleep through everything, he was the opposite: when things got rough, sleep wouldn’t come no matter how exhausted he felt. Or, because he’d always been too much active and sleeping seemed wasting precious hours of working or just doing something.

Now he just wanted nothing more to sleep, cuddled up inside Alex’s arms.

Alex.

Where was he? Panic pushed away the relief, forcing his eyes to snap open an darting around him: shapes and colors were all mixed together but, although all blurred, he could see that Alex wasn’t near him. No, other people were all around him, talking, speaking and questioning him. What were they saying? He couldn’t grasp their words and, sincerely, he didn’t even want it. He just wanted Alex. Why wasn’t him by his side? Oh, he should have know! He should have know better than Alex wouldn’t want to be near him after what he had done.

Hands and arms were suddenly reaching out for him but he shrieked back, getting himself away and away from them. No, no, no... they couldn’t touch him, they couldn’t...

Alex?

Maybe he didn’t deserved it, he wasn’t worth being held and comforted but... wouldn’t it hurt if he did it for the last time? Just enough to fall asleep, just enough to forget what happened and why everything hurt.

“Alex?”

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian was sitting on the couch, in the same position he had found him back in the woods, a defensive posture which broke his heart by watching how he was still afraid and terrified if he felt the need to protect himself even in his own home. But, under the bright light, he could finally see the damages done to his body and the rage couldn’t be stopped, along with the desire to stop Micheal and finish himself what he had started back in the woods. If he had known… no, he didn’t need to dwell on that. _Focus on Brian, him and only him._ A deep breath, his eyes closed to clear his mind from vicious images of how he could had torture Zach, and then he found himself calmer. First thing, he needed to check himself his injuries and what he could do before the ambulance was there: Brian was still dressed with the wet clothes, only a shirt and some short that didn’t cover the already black and blue bruises that marked his skin. Thankfully, there weren’t any open wounds aside from the one on his left temple. Last, even from his position, Aj could see the way the trembles shook the small frame. That was something he could take care of and, looking over to the people standing in circle over the couch, he noticed that it was what Jackie had thought too, since she held a pile of blankets between her arms. Taking them from her, he walked over Brian.

“Bri, come on, let’s get you warm a little.” He whispered as he wrapped the first blanket around him. Brian flinched a little, his body tensing up until he recognized the voice and the arms around him. He relaxed into the hug, loosened up and let himself being enveloped in another blanket. They didn’t do much for the ice cold running through his veins but it did help in relaxing him, the sleepiness more forceful into making its way. 

“Can I sleep?” With Alex beside him, there was no need for him to keep open his eyes, alert if something dangerous would appear. He was half lying on Alex’s body, his legs stretched out but still not long enough to touch the floor but, at least, that position brought some relief on the flames that surrounded his stomach. If he slept, he wouldn’t feel the pain and that seemed like heaven.

A hand, a mild warm hand, stroked his cheek. “Oh no, baby. Not yet. You have to stay awake a little bit more.” The other one was on his back, travelling up and down before going over his arm, in an attempt to warm him more.

“I’m tired.”

“I know. Just a little, until we get you in the hospital.”

“I don’t wanna go. – Brian whined, nuzzling his face against Aj’s neck. – I don’t like hospitals.”

“I know, baby. But we don’t wanna anything to happen to that nice brain that you’ve got.”

A little laughter trickled the back of his throat but getting it out meant using energies he didn’t have. “So you’re keeping me only for my brain?”

“Of course. – Aj replied, placing a kiss at the top of his hair. – I’ve got the body and you’re the mind. We make the perfect couple.”

They fell in a comfortable silence, in the distance the alternating ringing announced the arrival of the ambulance. “Just a little more. Then you can sleep.” Aj coached him, pulling Brian back from falling asleep.

Brian blinked once, twice, his eyes failing to get Aj in focus. So he left them closed. “I’m sorry, Alex.”  

“What for?”

“For everything. I didn’t want to do it but it was... and then I had to come back to you... make sure you were alright...”  Brian’s words were all confusing, illogically linked together just like he was letting them out as soon as they hit his mind. Aj thought it was probably due to the head injury and the panic. Still, he baffled him how Brian could believe that he could be angry for what he must had done to save himself. Yes, he was angry but his rage was directed towards the one that was responsible for everything. How could he be mad at Brian?  

“Sh... I’m alright only because of you. I won’t ever be angry at you. Not for this.”

“But...”

“No buts.”

There were other objections Aj could come up with but the sirens were finally closer. No matter how much he wanted to hear and know what happened back in that house, so he could have an indestructible reason for killing that bastard. And then... then, so out of blue, he found himself looking straight to Brian’s eyes, clearer that had been in a long time. Last time he had been able to lose himself like that, those oceans were clouded by the lies to keep him safe. Not now: just like the sky, they were about the brightest blue he had ever seen, a different light that he had seen only once, though it had been dimmer and paler. Now it was shining and his heart nearly burst off from his chest even before the words left Brian’s lips.

“I love you, Alex.”  

It was so soft, so low and so crocked that no one couldn’t hear, no matter how close they were. Those words were meant for Aj and Aj only, for much strength he had to use so they would come out clearly, without fears or pain tainting the raw and pure honesty beneath them. Brian needed to say them, needed to make Alex understand how that emotion had carried him through everything and to the place he was now. Only his arms he could accept to feel, only his lips were meant to touch him: beside him, inside and be wrapped around those arms, that was the only place where he felt like his normal self, the one that didn’t have to hide because it hurt so bad. Maybe, that particular moment wasn’t the best or the most romantic for a confession like that but... but after being away, forced to do things he didn’t want to think over again, and with the fear that Alex was dead nagging inside his soul day after day... how could he let another second passing by without telling him? Without making sure that he knew what he felt for him? It was the least he could do and it never felt so right like in that moment.

Commotion inside the room brought back both Brian and Aj: the ambulance had parked in front of the porch and two paramedics were inside. Aj didn’t let go of Brian yet, although it would had been impossible seeing how tightly Brian’s hands were holding onto him. Truth was that even Aj didn’t want to let go of him. Thankfully, Kevin were talking to them, probably telling them what happened and how Brian wasn’t letting no one but Aj to touch him.

The one that approached them was a girl, not too older than Brian and with a smile that convey a compassionate soul. She didn’t stand too close but kneeled so she could look over Brian. “Hey there, I’m Kathy and you must be Brian, right?”

Aj felt Brian nodding against his chest as the boy pulled himself closer, like he believed that someone was going to keep them apart. And Kathy must had sensed the same feeling, since she hurried saying that she just wanted to make sure he was okay enough that he didn’t need the stretcher to go over the ambulance.

“I didn’t hurt my back.” Brian admitted, a part of his mind already knowing why she was asking that.

“That’s good to hear. – Kathy replied, showing a smile. - Can you walk over or do you need a hand?”

A wave of shame rushed through Brian, knowing perfectly that he couldn’t do it on his own: he was still trying to fight the sleepiness and there was no way he could be able to support himself, not when every bone weighted more than it should. But before he could say something, anything to show his embarrassment to be that weak, he found himself being lift up. Opening his eyes, squeezing them to focus on only one Alex. “Thanks.”

“You don’t weight too much which reminds me that I’ve gotta to fat you up when we’ll be home.”

A memory of what happened in the house tried to arise but Brian managed to get it as under as he could, focusing his attention to one word. “Home? I like that.”

“Good. ‘Cause I’m not leaving you alone even for a minute.”

Brian’s reply got lost inside his mind. Though admitting his feelings, there was still much that didn’t allow him to be the careless guy he had been before. But Alex was his anchor, he was the only one he wanted by his side but... his thoughts went lost, snapped around from a pang of pain from his rib. Or ankle. Or whatever else was hurting. And he was cold, colder than he had been, maybe because he was still inside his wet clothes.

Before he knew, Aj had managed to get him inside the ambulance and before he could start a protest about wanting, not, demanding to have him by his side, there he sat where he wouldn’t be in the way, a hand secured around his.

“Brian, can you tell me where are you hurt? -  Kathy asked as she started taking his vitals: his blood pressure was a little on the low side, along with his temperature. Next, she put her stethoscope and, just as he was used to, Brian started to breathe deeply but couldn’t help the wince when the movement hurt his rib. – What’s wrong?”

“M rib. I... I think one of them is broken.”

“Can I look it?” Kathy asked before even putting a hand on the blankets. Aj shot her a look of gratitude before reverting his eyes towards Brian. Brian who now had his eyes lowered and an expression that he had seen not long after the rape: his jaw clenched tightly, the same shade of humiliation written all over his features.

“Hey, baby... look at me. We’re almost there and then you can sleep, okay?” The distraction offered by Aj did its trick: Brian’s face turned towards him as he nodded briefly.  

“Alex... your face. – Brian murmured brokenly, letting go of Aj’s hand and placing his upon his face, his fingers tracing every little cut. – You’re hurt.”

Aj smiled, leaning against that hand. “Just some cuts, don’t worry. – he reassured him. – So, where do you wanna go once this will be over?” He asked then, trying to take his mind off from what the paramedics was doing.

“The ocean. I... Me and Nick, we always went to his house when we were off from the tour. I never... never realized how relaxing and...” Brian trailed off, wincing as Kathy pressured a hand onto his stomach.  

“Yep, it’s definitely broken, even though only a RX could verified it.”

Before more question were asked, Brian went on saying every little things, not once tearing away his gaze from Aj, gathering strength. “I probably twisted my ankle and I’ve got some bruises. The worst is my head.”

“How did you hurt it?”

“I fell. – Brian recalled even though it was hard to remember those moments. They were flashes of images all blurred together. What he couldn’t forget what his own terror, the fear kept inside him that it was all over. – Hit the rail and the pavement. He... he... probably hit me once more but I’d already blacked out.”

Aj gripped Brian’s hand, fighting the desire to stop that ambulance and beat up that bastard. Not now, no, Brian needed him.

“How long were you out?”

“I don’t remember. It’s all blurred. I don’t know how long I had been there, days were... all together.”

“Four days, Bri. You’ve been there four days.”

Four days? It surely didn’t feel like that, time had passed so slowly that it felt like it passed only a day, two at least. Not four. Four were... four were insane, how did he manage to get through them?

“Any other symptoms? Dizziness, nausea, trouble with your vision?”

“No nausea but... yes... and I’m cold. So cold. And tired.” With that last word, Brian closed his eyes, ready to finally go to sleep. He couldn’t keep staying awake, his body and mind were allying together to bring him down into the darkness.

“Ehi, ehi... we’re almost there...” Alex’s words sounded so far away, someone was shaking him but he fell deeper into unconsciousness.

“M’so... tired...”

There were others voices rushed, panicked but Brian didn’t hear anymore. He held on as long as he could, more than he thought he was able to. But he couldn’t do it anymore.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time Aj had been in that hospital, he had been scared, yes, but Brian was there with him. He had been the strong one, though he could share his own fear about Nick’s well being. From that time, all started to crumple down and now, sitting on a stretcher while was being visited, he couldn’t help to think over it again and again, realizing that it had been the start of everything. If he could turn back time, he would have done something different... something, anything to prevent that kind of ending.

“I’m pretty confident that those cuts won’t scar, it would be such a shame ruining this beautiful face.”

Oh, if he hadn’t been that worried about Brian, he would had sure replied back to the young female doctor that was cleaning his cuts. But how he could joke when the love of his life was somewhere in that hospital and he didn’t know how he was?

“Your feet would take some time to heal, just be sure to clean and apply the medication on the wounds everyday and they shouldn’t scar.” She kept on saying while removing her gloves.

Her words went lost to Aj. As if he would care about himself while Brian was in hospital.

“Since you’ve been just released from the hospital, I’m going to admit you only for tonight, just to be sure that you don’t have a relapse. – She added, before turning around and giving him a well knowing glance. – And that way you’ll be close to your man. I’ve got the feeling we won’t be able to tear you apart from him easily.”

“Is that obvious?”

“You’re not the first. Although I admit that I’m kinda bummed. Brian had always been my star crush.”

This time, he couldn’t help the laughter. Gosh, it felt good to release some of the worry though that. “Yes, he did this thing to a lot of girls.”

She patted a hand on his tight. “He’s tough. Although I don’t all the details, some basic truth had been leaked and... even if cases like that aren’t big news, we’ve seen a lot of guys going through a rape. He’s reacting a lot better than the average patient. Now, why don’t you rest a little? It’s going to be long before Brian would be out from the Emergency Room and there is no need for you to end up worse than he is.”

“I...” Aj tried to object but the young girl didn’t let him go on.

“I can slip in some sedative. I promise that as soon as he’s out, someone would come and get you.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Now, doctor’s order and sleep a little.”

The lights were turned off and, though he hadn’t believed he could, Aj found himself drifting on sleeping, minutes and hours slipping into others until someone started to shake him awake.

“Jay? Come on, wake up! You’re gonna beat me up if I don’t wake you up like now.” Howie. Hell, the one that was still afraid about his threats back when they used to room together and he was the one that had to wake him up.

He slowly opened his eyes, a little confused about his surrounding until all the event of the day came down onto him. “Brian!” he exclaimed as he tried to sit up.

“Relax, relax. – Nick helped him to lie down. – That’s why we woke you up.”

“Is he okay? Where is he?”

Another voice, a deep voice that didn’t belong to anyone he knew, made its way through the fog that still hazed around his brain. “One question at time, Mr. McLean.”  

His vision clearer, Aj saw that everyone had been gathered inside his room: Nick was sitting on the end of his bed, Howie and Kevin on the other side of the room and lastly Brian’s parents. They had all waited for him. “How is he?”

“We’re still doing some exams but things could have been much worse. He sustained a moderate brain injury but, luckily, any tests we performed excluded brain damages, neither bleeding or intracranial pressure. We’re gonna keep him in observation all night, just in case something happen but I’m quite optimistic about the outgoing.”

Relief. That was the only emotion he could feel as he repeated those words inside his head. “So... he’s gonna be okay?”

“In the long run, yes. Many symptoms such as headache, migraine, dizziness and trouble with his vision will last for months but within the year they would disappear or appeared only in case of stress. What we are worried about now is his temperature. We’re trying to raise it up but there is the risk of infection and I’m not quite sure his immune defenses are strong enough to fight it off smoothly. That’s another reason why we’re keeping him under control in the I.C.U.”

Infection, cold, fever and pneumonia. And if Aj had the time, he could come up with a lot more complications. “Anything else?” Kevin asked.

“Minor cuts that we cleaned, a broken rib and a sprained ankle.”

Aj hated himself for bringing it up but everyone needed to know so they could help Brian when he was going to be awake. Only Brian knew what happened in that house, maybe he wouldn’t even remembered. “Have you… Did you take a rape test?”

No one seemed to be shocked, only Brian’s mom couldn’t help the sob that echoed in the silenced room.

“Yes. Due to the circumstances, we’re obligated to do it but we waited when Brian was out. It came out negative, there is no evidence of violence.”

Everyone let out the breath they had hold until that moment.

“Wait a minute, so he was conscious?”

“For a little while, yes. But he panicked as soon as he saw a lot of people around him so we opted to sedate him before he hurt himself. That’s the reason why we’re gonna make an exception and have you rooming with him. You’re the only one who he trust enough to let you closer and he doesn’t need the panic on top of everything he had to deal with.”

“What are we waiting for then?” Aj asked. He didn’t need to be there, talking about cure or whatever else the doctor wanted to discuss. He needed to see Brian, he needed to be there before he woke up and thought that no one was there for him.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

     

 

_Cold._

_Ice frozen fingers gripped tightly around his bones, sinking so down that it was a wonder that they hadn’t broken already. Instead, the freeze had made its way through the veins and arteries, the red river flowing had been turned in frozen pieces, shivers that rose inside the skin and then came out from it._

_Warm. Hot._

_High flames started to burn, melting the ice inside his body. He thought it could be heaven, no more shivering, no more trembling... instead, the fire didn’t seem to stop after doing its job, it didn’t falter and diminish until it was only dust. No, no luck, it grew stronger and stronger until Brian couldn’t think of everything else if not the flames that surrounded his body and his mind._

_It was a never ending circle: first the cold then the flames and it would start all over again._

_Cold. Ice. Warm. Hot._

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aj couldn’t sleep. Though he was beyond simply tired, though sleeping would meant giving his mind a moment of rest, a time when he wouldn’t think about what happened and what _could_ had happened. He wasn’t fond on dwelling about possibilities and such, the main and most important thing was that Brian was back, safe and sound and far away from Zach.

Instead, he just stared to the man lying in the bed across the room, the steady beating coming from the heart monitor never had been such an harmonious melody.

_He is okay. He’s okay._ That was what he kept saying, like a mantra. But he couldn’t stop the worrying, he couldn’t stop the fear. How he could? When he first entered in the room, he thought that they had made a mistake, surely that lump inside the bed wasn’t Brian, it couldn’t be the same man who had been able to escape from his tormentor all by himself and held himself together through everything.

Now he looked like everything had been drained from him, a frail rose that could shatter with only a single touch. He had witnessed Brian breaking down, hell, he had been there by his side through every single one, but still, underneath the tears and the cries, his strength had always been there, pulling him back on his feet every time. At the moment, instead, he looked like a little child, lying down on a bed that seemed too big for him, with machines and tubes that scared him. _I can’t lose him._

At first, he thought he was imaging hearing sounds. Brian was asleep, as deep as he could with the help of sedative, not too heavy because they were still monitoring him for his head injury. But the moaning and the whimpers grew stronger and stronger along with a wheezing sound every time Brian took a breath.

Without even caring about his feet, Aj jumped off from the bed and quickly patted over the other bed: Brian was twisting around the blankets, lips pinched together, the rosy shade of the cheeks was a sharp contrast with the white of paleness.

A simple hand of the forehead told him that Brian was burning up with fever. He didn’t waste time, he reached over and pushed the button to call the nurses as he settle down to try to comfort the man. He didn’t even know if he could listen to him or not, it didn’t matter.

“Help is coming baby, just calm down. It’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay. Think about the ocean, think about us... just don’t give up.”

Nurses, doctors rushed in. Never Aj let go of Brian’s hand and never he stopped talking to him, coaching him like he had done in the woods. They made it out together and together they would made it once again.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lightening. The sound of the rain hitting the glass of the window. The wind blowing outside, shaking trees and shouting angry words no one couldn’t understand. Then, the thunders. Loud strikes that shook him awake, bolting out from the dreamless sleep he had managed to fall in.

For a moment, he was surprised to feel nothing, they must had given him some pretty heavy painkillers if he wasn’t feeling nothing at all, neither the little aches and soreness that affected him before blocking out. He balanced his eyes to the blackness of the room, wondering why it seemed much bigger than he thought it was. Still, it was empty. No one was there for him, no one was holding his hand knowing how much he hated being there. They all left him alone, unbelievable! He should had known it After all, who would  willingly stand by his side after all? They must had known what he had done, they must had found out that he had tried to pleasure Zach and let him doing things neither Nick had done to him. He couldn’t condemn them, how disgusted they must were... so they left him alone.

The first sob started to prevail, as a shiver rumble along with the thunder. He felt like that little child left all alone in a hospital, forgotten by everyone and forced to hide in a bathroom because he had this insanity idea that the thunders could got him since his bed was so close to the window. Would it be ridiculous for him to do the same thing years and years after?

“You aren’t alone, my love.”

That voice! His head turned towards the direction of that sound but the room was too black to see who was speaking. There was only a shadow of a man, a figure standing tall beside the end of the bed. A lightning stroke and, beneath that white light, the only thing he could made out were white teeth and blonde, too blonde hair.

Air began to feel constricted inside his chest, the realization that his nightmare wasn’t over took its weight and seemed to place it upon him, making every breath too painful to be made.

“What... please... don’t...” He didn’t even know what to say, what to plead or beg. He knew, deep inside, that no words would be able to stop Zach.

“You left me alone. You ran away from me. You know what I have to do, now. I told you.” How he managed Brian didn’t know, but the man was up on the bed, straddling him and sitting with legs on each side of his body. No matter how hard he struggled, he couldn’t move anymore.

“Alex...” the name left his lips so brokenly. He didn’t deserved to be saved once more, his love didn’t deserve to bring him back into the void of his nightmares.

Knees were now on his chest, pressing his body to the mattress. It hurt, God it hurt! That weight pushed hard, constricting his lung and making it impossible to breathe on a normal rate.

“Oh, he cannot be here. And you wanna know why?”

The fear mashed itself together with the weight as he tried once more to free himself but it seemed that Zach held him with so much power that he would never win that struggle. Arms seemed to be everywhere, holding him down, caressing, soothing...

“I’ve killed him.” The cruelty of those words was hidden in a soft whisper, lips pronouncing them so close to his ear that he could feel the hot breath. Tears welled up and then escaped from his eyes, leaving a cold trail down his hot face.

“No, no, no... leave him alone... leave me alone...”

_Bri! Bri, I’m here. Hush, calm down._

Wasn’t that cruel? Being damned to hear that sweet voice that had been silenced because of him. His own faults. “Alex... I’m so sorry...”

Something cold was placed on his forehead, he felt it against the flames burning still and almost cried out for the relief. Fresh air around him, almost too suffocating as he sobbed for what he had lost as the man that ruined his life was still in the room, words that were too whispered to understand.

“Leave him alone... Alex... Don’t leave me...”

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aj bit his lip as he took away the washcloth, put him inside the basin full of ice and water, before replacing it on Brian’s forehead. His fever was still high, too high to wait for the antibiotics to kick in, and had been like that all night long, from the moment he realized that something was wrong and called his doctor. God, thanks that they had let him with Brian, what would have happened if he was left all alone? Practically, he knew that nurses were constantly monitoring him, so they would know immediately that something wasn’t alright.  

Pneumonia. It was expected, that was what Brian’s doctor had said, but still it was heartbreaking witnessing how miserable and in pain the man he loved was. It wasn’t mostly because of the rattling and wheezing sound he made with every breath and it wasn’t because of how the shivers and trembles wouldn’t stop, no matter how many blanket he had wrapped around. No, the hardest thing to do was sitting beside him and listening to his delirious words, although muffled by the mask of oxygen he wore.

No matter how many times he repeated to him that he was here, where else he could be, Brian didn’t even seemed to acknowledge him. With an almost hoarse voice, he kept his litany, brokenly asking to not leave him alone or to leave someone else alone. And, between them, it was his name that he kept calling, sometimes with so much desperation that Aj would had cried because he wasn’t able to reassure him that he was there.

Finally, as the first rays of sun painted the sky in an orange shade, the whimpers and the delirium broke down, dragging Brian in a sleep hopefully full of rest. Aj took off the washcloth, smoothing some wet curls away; the fever was still there but it wasn’t as nearly bad as it was some hours before.

The worst was finally over, hopefully. With that thought, he finally let himself relaxing. The toll of the night was getting more and more difficult to fight. He needed to sleep, that he knew and now seemed the best time, now that Brian seemed to be okay. Still, he didn’t want to leave him, even if it was only few meters away. What if he woke up and panicked? He knew he couldn’t, after being separated for so long – even if it had been only four days – even those minutes seemed unbearable.

So, he just settled down better in the recliner, trying to find the most comfortable position possible; he pillowed his head beside Brian’s body and kept a hold on his hand, fingers intertwined together.

Though already on the brink of unconsciousness, he didn’t miss the tiny and small way Brian tightened their tangle. He got the message underneath that grip, something that only Brian could do while fighting over something: _it’s okay, rest because I’m gonna stay here. I love you._

As he finally fell asleep, a little smile curved Aj’s lips.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable28.html


	29. Epilogue

Epilogue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How many hours later that AJ woke up, he had no idea. But something was pulling him up from sleep. A hand, touching his arm; a soft voice murmuring in his ear. “Come on, Age. Come on, kid. This is no place to sleep. Come on now.”

 

It was the ‘kid’ that told him who was talking to him even before his brain cleared the last bit of fog from his mind. No one else but Howie would dare to call him ‘kid’.

 

“I-.” AJ’s words were cut off by a yawn. He let it run its course before he tried again, never even bothering to open his eyes. “I’m staying here.”

 

“Honey, come on. They’re going to take Brian in for a few more tests now and he’s going to be sedated while they do so he won’t panic.” Howie kept on talking. His hands were holding AJ’s. “That could take a few hours. Plus, we’ve got Micheal out there and he says he has to talk to you. Come on.”

 

When AJ finally made his eyes open, he automatically looked over to Brian. His love’s bed was laid down flat and two nurses were pushing the bed away from the wall. “He’s sedated?” AJ asked slowly. It was the most important thing right now.

 

“Yes. He won’t wake up until they let him.”

 

Ok. If that was the case, then AJ knew he was free to go and speak to Micheal. The thought of being apart from Brian was terrifying, but it was bearable if he knew that Brian wasn’t going to wake up while he was gone. That was the only thing that gave AJ the ability to stand up and stay there as Brian was wheeled from the room. “Why more tests?” he asked.

 

Howie put a hand on the small of his back, a comforting gesture. “Now that the fever has broken and he’s had a day or so to relax, they want to make sure no swelling has cropped up. They’re pretty sure he’s fine but they wanted to run the tests one more time to be positive nothing cropped up late.”

 

Slowly Howie was leading him forward, bringing him out of the room and down the hall. AJ moved like a machine. He didn’t care where they were going for the moment so long as he could come back to Brian when his testing was done.

 

Now that the initial trauma was done, now that Brian’s fever was gone and he was on the mend, AJ’s own mind was starting to turn on him. All the injuries that Brian had sustained, all these problems that were happening now, brought the biggest sense of guilt to AJ. Logically he knew that Brian had made a choice to go after Zach. But logic doesn’t factor into the heart.

 

If only he had done what he was supposed to; If only he had taken care of Brian the way that he’d promised he would. None of this would be happening. Brian would be safe and healthy. He wouldn’t be in yet another hospital, a place that he absolutely hated. He wouldn’t be hurt and sick. He wouldn’t have had to live through hell.

 

Blinking, AJ realized that they were in a private waiting room now. Everyone was in front of him, sprawled out in chairs or standing by the wall. When had they come into this room? AJ barely remembered moving down the hall. He put his hands in his pockets, not noticing the way that they trembled. Who cared how he felt? Brian was important. The aches in AJ’s face, in his body, even in his feet—those he pushed down. They weren’t important. Nothing else was important.

 

“Alexander?”

 

Micheal’s voice broke into AJ’s fog. It brought his attention once again back to the room. This time he noticed that everyone was now staring at him. Micheal had moved forward, standing about a foot in front of him. All eyes were locked onto AJ. Who cared? He couldn’t drum up the emotion to feel anything about it. His guilt was burning away everything else. Aside from that, he simply felt dead inside. “Yes?”

 

“Would you like to talk here or would you like to step somewhere private? I have a few things to ask you about what happened at that house.”

 

Who cared where they talked about it? Who cared who heard? AJ stared at Micheal. He could feel how expressionless his face was but he didn’t care. His voice sounded flat, almost monotone. “Ask away.”

 

He saw Micheal take a deep breath and make that shift from man to cop. “We found Zach there. He’s locked away right at the moment in a hospital that isn’t this one, awaiting psychiatric evaluation. The man is obviously insane.” Micheal’s eyes turned just slightly sharper. “We found him injured, though, which is why he’s in a hospital. A small cut on his throat, nothing big. A few bruises which we assume are from fighting with Brian. But he was injured more than that.”

 

Why was he beating around the bush with this? AJ saw where it was going and was impatient for it to get done.

 

“When you arrived on the scene, Alexander, in what condition was Zach in?”

 

Oh, this was getting stupid. AJ looked straight at Micheal’s eyes, not noticing the way that the man almost flinched back from his half dead gaze. “If you’re trying to ask if I’m the one that stabbed his leg, Micheal, then the answer is yes.” AJ said in that same monotone. He ignored the shocked gasps that echoed around the little room. “I also put the scratch on his throat. I almost slit it, but I didn’t think Brian would like that. I almost cut his balls off too, so if there’s a cut down there, that’s why.” That part was delivered in the same calm voice as the rest of it. AJ saw the surprise that everyone wore but he didn’t care. This was stupid. “I went to leave and he ran his mouth a little more and said something that infuriated me. So, I spun and drove the knife in his thigh, straight through and down into the mattress. Does that answer your question?”

 

Everyone was staring now. Kevin and Nick were gaping at him. Jackie had a hand up, covering her mouth. Harold, if anything, wore a look of deep satisfaction. He gave AJ a firm nod of approval. None of that was important to AJ. He stayed looking at Micheal. Already his mind had thought of the implications. “Am I under arrest for this?”

 

There was obvious reluctance on Micheal’s face. “You stabbed a man that was chained to a bed, defenseless, Alexander.” He said softly. “Despite how much I want to applaud you for it, the law frowns upon us taking justice into our own hands. I have to take you down to the station for a bit to answer some questions.”

 

That was the only thing guaranteed to bring some small amount of life back to AJ. He was going to have to leave Brian? Were they kidding him? “How long will it take?” He rasped.

 

“If a lawyer gets there quickly, shouldn’t take any more than two hours. Max.”

 

It was Howie who put a hand on AJ’s arm. “I’ll get a lawyer there. I know the one Bri uses here. He’ll meet you two over there, I promise, even if I have to get him myself.”

 

Kevin and Harold were both moving forward, protests already falling from their lips. Nick looked frozen in shock. Jackie stepped toward AJ, one hand outstretched as if she would protect him.

 

For his part, AJ stood still and stared at Micheal. He’d been around enough police as a kid to know how things worked. Turning his back to Micheal, he put his hands together behind him and waited patiently. He knew he had to be cuffed; it was standard operating procedure with a case that involved violence. Despite Micheal knowing him, he couldn’t jeopardize his job over this.

 

The commotion around them grew louder as the cuffs were snapped onto AJ’s wrists. He heard the click of the metal and felt the coldness against his skin. None of it mattered. Further and further he drew inside. This was no more than he deserved. He should be punished for putting Brian into this kind of situation. If this was the price he had to pay for taking a little out of Zach, for letting Brian even get in this position, than he would gladly pay it. Hell, he knew he’d stab Zach again if he had the chance.

 

Chin tilted up, AJ looked back to Micheal. “Let’s go.”

 

There was sorrow in Micheal’s eyes as he stepped up and took hold of AJ’s arm. “I’m sorry about this, Alexander. I really am.” He told him as he led him from the room. The others were still making noise behind them, but Micheal shut the door on it, completely ignoring them.

 

“Don’t apologize for doing your job.” AJ told him honestly, a small trace of emotion in his voice for the first time since he’d walked into the room. “I did what I did, Micheal. You’re just doing what’s right.”

 

“Doesn’t feel quite right when I’d really like to cheer for you doing that to him.”

 

A corner of AJ’s mouth quirked. “Hell, if I’m getting punished for this, I wish I’d at least taken his balls off like I threatened to him. Did it at least damage his leg any?”

 

“They’re not sure if he’ll get all the feeling back to his foot and he’ll walk with a limp for the rest of his life.”

 

A little life came back into AJ as a grin spread over his face, wide and menacing as a shark. “Good.”

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was just over two hours later that AJ came walking back into the hospital. He bypassed the waiting room, not really wanting to talk to anyone. He just headed straight for Brian’s room. That was the one place that he wanted to be right then more than anything else. None of what had happened at the station had been important to him. What had been important had been getting back to Brian.

 

When he walked into Brian’s room, though, he saw that Brian was there but he wasn’t alone. Kevin was standing beside his bed. Kevin’s cheeks were damp and his eyes were red, showing the obvious signs that he’d been crying. AJ didn’t say a word. He stepped forward, moving to stand at the end of the bed. His and Brian’s eyes locked for a minute. In that instant, AJ saw all the fear and pain and trauma living inside of Brian’s eyes. But there was something else. Was that…guilt? Why on earth would Brian be feeling guilty? He didn’t get a chance to ask.

 

“Kev, would you…could you give us a minute?” Brian asked softly.

 

Something about his tone had Kevin looking at him curiously for a minute before nodding. He laid a hand on AJ’s shoulder in silent support as he passed. AJ reached up, patting the older man’s hand. Though he hadn’t spoken directly to Kevin since he’d yelled at him, AJ held no animosity anymore. How could he? Kevin had helped with this, yes, but AJ knew that if he’d been paying attention to his love the way he should have been, Brian and Kevin’s plan never would have worked. He was more to blame then Kevin was!

 

Once Kevin was gone, the door shutting softly behind him, AJ turned his full attention to Brian. “Something up, Bri?” He asked in a voice more casual than he felt. Something was up with Brian.

 

“I need to talk to you.” Brian admitted to him.

 

AJ watched as Brian looked down at his hands, picking at his fingernails. There was so much tension there that AJ wanted nothing more to reach out and hold Brian, but he had a feeling that right now, his touch wouldn’t be welcome. Not because of Brian’s fears, but because of something else. Something he couldn’t quite place his finger on.

 

“I uh, I wanted to talk to you.” Brian said again. He chewed on his lip a little as his obvious nerves grew some more. “Without anyone here, you know?”

 

Well, hell, this doesn’t sound good. AJ thought to himself. He took a seat in the chair by the bed and folded his legs, tucking his feet underneath him. “What do you want to talk about?” Everything that AJ had been feeling earlier, everything that had happened since Brian’s fever had started, all of that disappeared underneath this new worry. What was going on?

 

It took a long moment before Brian found his voice again. Still, he refused to look up, his eyes locked on his hands as he picked his nails. “I…I know you’ve uh, you’ve probably figured out, well, a lot of what happened. With…with him. When I was there.” Brian’s words stumbled as they came out, the pain in them so obvious and strong that it made AJ’s own heart ache. He stayed silent, though, letting Brian get this out at his own pace.

 

Taking a deep breath, Brian went on. “I know you’re mad at me for going with him. For lying to you. I…I can’t blame you for that. And, well, I know you’re probably u-upset about what I, you know, what I did with him. What I…” Brian paused, swallowing before continuing. “…what I let him do. I just, I needed to tell you, without everyone here, that I understand. That it’s ok. I won’t be mad, I promise.”

 

Confusion had AJ furrowing his brows. He wouldn’t be mad? What on earth did he mean? “What’re you talking about, Bri? What do you mean, you won’t be mad? About what?” Pausing, AJ felt his stomach drop a little. “Are you…do you mean about how long I, uh, how long it took me to find you?”

 

That had Brian’s eyes flying up to his face. “No!” he exclaimed, eyes wide. “No, Alex. No. I know you came as fast as you could. I know that.”

 

“Well what do you mean then?”

 

“I meant, well, I won’t be mad if you, you know, if you don’t want…” His voice trailed off into a mumble that AJ couldn’t understand. But he had a sinking feeling that he knew where this was going.

 

Dropping his feet to the ground, AJ ignored the ache in them and leaned forward. “If I don’t want what? To be with you? Is that what you’re trying to say to me?” He asked hoarsely. All Brian could do was nod. But that nod was enough to have AJ rocking back in his chair. Holy shit. Was Brian kidding him? Did he really think that he’d condemn him for doing what he had to do to survive?

 

Before he could even think about his words, AJ said “God, you’re an idiot.”

 

When he looked up again he saw that Brian was staring at him in surprise, his hands frozen on the bed. Seeing it, AJ crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the love of his life. “Do you really think that I’d walk away from you, Bri? That just because you’d done something to keep yourself alive and to save those that you care about that I’d suddenly not want to touch you? Not want to be around you? Are you that stupid?”

 

His attitude seemed to be breaking through Brian’s shock and pain better than any of the kind words anyone had used on him so far. He was gaping at AJ.

 

Furious, AJ rose to his feet, unable to stay sitting still. “Damn, Bri, what kind of guy do you think I am?” He asked. Spinning, he dropped his hands down to his side and faced Brian. All the fear and pain of the past few days was catching up with him. In the face of Brian’s stupid question, he lost his control for a short moment. The dead feeling was gone, leaving room for everything else to flood in.

 

“How could you think I’d judge you for that, Brian? Seriously. If I hate anyone, if I despise anyone at all for this whole thing, it’s myself, not you!”

 

“What?”

 

“You did what you did to keep me and the fellas safe. Do you think we don’t realize the strength of that sacrifice? That we don’t understand the hell you put yourself through just to keep us ok? I hate that I couldn’t keep you safe. I hate that, because I failed time and time again, you had to live in something like this.” AJ spat out. All his pain, all the anger and fear he’d been holding inside, now came spilling out. “If I’d protected you the way I was supposed to, you never would have lived through this. Instead, I fucked up. I was an idiot. My own stupidity and my stupid fucking addiction got in the way and messed things up.”

 

The look on Brian’s face would have melted AJ’s temper at any other time. Now, he didn’t care how kind Brian looked. He didn’t care how soft his eyes had gone. The venom was pouring from him and there was no stopping it.

 

“I can see every stupid fucking thing I did. Every fucking moment where I messed up over and over again. I knew something was up that night, Bri. I knew you were keeping something from me. But I told myself that morning was time enough to get it out of you. Then I lay there and watched you leave the room. I should have stopped you before you ever went out that bedroom door!”

 

AJ brought his hands up, brushing back his hair as he let out a brittle laugh. “After all that, you think I’d be mad at you? That I wouldn’t want to be with you? I’ve been waiting and wondering if you were going to wake up and look at me and decide that  _you_  didn’t want to be with  _me_!”

 

Much to AJ’s surprise, a small little smile was curving Brian’s lips as he lifted a hand, wobbly as it was, and held it out to AJ. How could he do anything but step forward and take it? He allowed Brian to bring him to the edge of the bed. Automatically AJ hitched his hip up, half sitting on Brian’s bedside. With complete surprise he watched as Brian moved their joined hands, shifting them and bringing them up so that AJ’s hand was suddenly cupping Brian’s cheeks.

 

Soft and sweet, Brian nuzzled against AJ’s palm, his eyes sliding closed. “You sweet, silly man.” Brian whispered.

 

AJ could only stare at him, stunned. His eyes never left Brian’s face. All at once it seemed that some of the stress lines melted away. Despite the marks on his body, Brian looked more at peace than he had in longer than AJ could remember. “I love you.” Brian’s soft words were an arrow straight to AJ’s heart. “Don’t feel guilty, please. Don’t let this taint our lives any more than it already has.”

 

Again AJ had the thought that there was no way he could resist Brian. Not when he was like this. All his guilt, all his fears, they seemed so silly now that he was here, touching Brian, seeing that smile on his love’s face. “I love you too, Brian.”

 

“I don’t want to see you hating yourself over this, Alex. You don’t deserve to feel that way. There was nothing you could have done to stop me. There’s nothing you could have done to get there faster. You saved my life.”

 

“I didn’t.” AJ automatically protested. “You saved your own life, Bri. You were already gone when I got there.”

 

“But it was thoughts of you that kept me alive.”

 

That sentence warmed AJ’s heart. But, at the same time, other thoughts clouded in, things he knew he had to say to Brian. Here, now. Before anything between them went any further. He knew there was a chance that Brian might not feel the same way about him once he was done. It might upset him. Yet, AJ couldn’t regret it. Not for a moment. “I need to tell you something, Bri. Something I did when I was at that house.”

 

Still snuggled in AJ’s hand, Brian opened his eyes and locked gazes with AJ. There was love there, as well as trust, so much so that it was staggering. That fear that had become so common lately was still there, but there was more strength too. It was beautiful and amazing and humbling. “Tell me.” His voice was sweet and gentle.

 

How on earth was Brian so peaceful and sweet after living through what he had lived through? AJ hadn’t expected this quiet strength. But then again, he had learned not to expect the normal when dealing with Brian. Somehow Brian always found a way to surprise him.

 

“When I…when I got to the house, I heard you leave, but I didn’t know it was you.” AJ began. Slowly, carefully, he told Brian the whole story, from the moment he’d come until the moment that he’d left that house. He told him everything. Every move, every word. All of it. When he was done, he closed his eyes and sighed. “I wasn’t in your room after your tests because D came and got me. He took me down to the waiting room cause Micheal said he had to talk to me.”

 

Here he paused, suddenly embarrassed. “There uh, there’s going to be some bad press, Bri.” AJ couldn’t bring himself to look up at Brian’s face. He kept his eyes closed as he spoke, feeling how still Brian had gone against his hand. “Micheal had to talk to me because of me stabbing Zach. Since he was hooked to the bed, he was considered defenseless. This makes what I did assault with a deadly weapon. He, well, he had to handcuff me and take me downtown. That’s where I’ve been.”

 

“What?”

 

Brian’s loud exclamation had AJ’s eyes flying open. When he felt Brian drop his hand, he instinctively curled it to himself, sure that Brian was furious with him. What he saw on Brian’s face surprised him. Anger, yes, but more than he had thought there would be. Was Brian furious with him?

 

What Brian said next stunned him. “Those little sons of bitches! Who the hell do they think they are, arresting you? After everything he did to you, to Nick, to me, they’re going to charge you with assault? Are you  _serious_?”

 

“They have to, Bri. It’s the law.” AJ said softly.

 

“ _Fuck_  the law!”

 

This time AJ felt his mouth drop open. It took him a whole minute just to regain his composure. But by then, Brian was already on a roll. “Do you have a lawyer? There’s no way they can make these charges stick. If they think they’re putting you in jail for this then they’ve got another damn thing coming!”

 

“D got me a lawyer. A friend of the guy you use here for your legal shit.” AJ said quickly. He wanted to calm Brian down. The monitor beside him was beeping like crazy to indicate that Brian’s heart rate had gone up. “He said he can’t get me off, not when evidence is stacked against me. My fingerprints are on the knife, Bri. I saw no point in denying it and making things hard for Micheal. I told him the truth, which my lawyer says is good. He told me that it’ll go to court in a few days and he’s positive he can get me off with a fine and maybe some probation. He swears I won’t do jail time. Not with the circumstances around this.”

 

“But this’ll be on your record, Alex!”

 

“So?” Looking right into Brian’s eyes, he told him “I’d take this and a thousand things more. I wouldn’t change what I did, Bri. He deserved it. If I have to pay for it, fine. I consider it worth the cost. Let them fine me. Let them say I have to see a PO. You know I had a small juvie record. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to deal with parole officers. It’s not that bad.”

 

Brian sat back, his eyebrows furrowed, but AJ sighed when he saw Brian’s heart rate go back down. Oh thank God.

 

That didn’t mean that Brian was done, though. “We’ll just see about this. When I get out of here, we’ll just see if they think they can prosecute you for this.”

 

“Bri…”

 

“Don’t you ‘Bri’ me in that sweet little tone, Alexander James Mclean.” Brian snapped. “I’ll do what I want, thank you very much. I’m not having this be on your record if I can help it.”

 

For a moment longer AJ debated arguing this with Brian. Not to stop him, but just for the sake of bickering. He was enjoying watching the life in Brian’s face. It was more than he’d seen in so long. But there were other things he’d rather do with his time. “I’ll let it go for now.” He promised. “But I reserve the right to argue later.”

 

“Argue all you want. Doesn’t mean I’m changing my mind.”

 

As if to put an end to the argument, Brian suddenly yawned. His eyes looked slightly heavy. AJ couldn’t resist leaning in and tucking the blankets better around Brian’s body. “Go back to sleep, honey.” He said soothingly. “We’ll talk about this later all you want, ok?”

 

Another yawn, then “You’ll stay?” That little boy tone was back in Brian’s voice. The fear. It tore at AJ’s heart. From strong to weak in the blink of an eye. Brian may have found his strength for a moment but he was nowhere near healed. “I’ll stay.”

 

That was all it took for Brian to relax. Hesitantly he reached out, taking AJ’s hand in his. After a few minutes he was sound asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a few hours later that AJ got up from Brian’s bedside and moved to the bathroom. He stood at the sink, splashing water on his face. He ignored the stinging in the cuts there, not caring about them. For a single moment he gripped the sink and bowed his head. Air dragged raggedly in and out of his lungs despite his best efforts to keep it quiet. He didn’t want to wake Brian. The bathroom door was open a crack so that he could hear if his love did wake up.

 

That little bit of strength that Brian had displayed earlier had been beautiful. To see Brian get fired up about something, to see the fierce and protective love in his eyes, it had healed over some of the wounds in AJ’s heart and given him hope that maybe, just maybe, they might both come out the other side of this doing ok.

 

Trembles ran down his arms, shaking his hands. He firmed his grip on the sink and squeezed his eyes shut tighter. If their talk earlier had shown Brian’s strength, than the past few hours while Brian had slept had shown his weakness. Nightmares had plagued Brian, making him call out in his sleep, making him tremble. Each time AJ had been there, soothing him back to sleep, whispering words of comfort and reassurance.

 

Now it seemed that Brian had finally hit a deep, healing sleep and AJ was taking advantage of it to try and wake up his mind and get a grip on his pain.

 

The sound of someone clearing their throat startled AJ so badly that he almost jumped out of his skin. As it was, he spun sideways, his back going against the walls, his eyes wide. It took him a second to realize that it was just Kevin there. “God!” He whispered furiously. “You scared at least ten years off my life, Kev!” Quickly he wiped at his cheeks, trying to make sure that no tears had escaped. He didn’t need Kevin to know he’d been that close to breaking.

 

But Kevin’s eyes weren’t looking him over the way they usually did. In fact, as AJ looked at Kevin’s face, he realized that he’d never seen Kevin look like this before. So…broken down. “Kev?” Hesitantly he stepped forward. “Hey, man, you ok?”

 

“I didn’t mean to scare you, Age.” Kevin said hoarsely. “I just, I wanted to talk to you.”

 

Looking at him, AJ made a split second decision. He took hold of Kevin’s arm and pulled him into the bathroom before shutting the door, but not latching it. Now he could still hear Brian if he needed but he and Kevin could have a semblance of privacy. What on earth was going on with his friend? The look Kevin wore had AJ worried. “Talk to me, Kev. What’s going on?”

 

“I just…I talked to Brian and, somehow, he’s not mad at how this turned out. But I had to talk to you to make sure too. That you’re not, you know, mad.”

 

It was so unlike Kevin to stumble over his words like this. Kevin had never been anything but strong and sure. He was like a pillar of strength to all of them. To see him look like this was unsettling. “Mad?” He finally asked. “What do you mean?”

 

Kevin took a deep breath, his eyes becoming even more painful to look at. “About this with Brian. About helping him.” His voice cracked at the end. “I never meant for it to be like this, Age. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking, that was it. I wasn’t. I never should have let him-”

 

His words were abruptly cut off when AJ put a hand over Kevin’s mouth. “Stop right there.” He told him. This had been something he’d had a while to think about already. What he hadn’t realized, though, was how badly it would all be weighing on Kevin.  _I should have. Idiot_. “Listen to me and listen good, Kev, you got that?”

 

When Kevin nodded, AJ dropped his hand. “Brian is an adult who makes his own choices. I was furious with you before, I’ll admit that. But my temper fizzled. It always does. When it did, I thought about it. Brian is not only an adult, but a smart man. If you hadn’t helped him, he would have found a way to do what he wanted anyways and potentially ended up more hurt in the long run.”

 

“But if I’d told you guys…”

 

“Uh, uh!” AJ cut in. “I said listen. Even if you’d told us, we couldn’t watch Brian every second of every day. He would have climbed out a bathroom window, or snuck out somewhere. He would have done it no matter what. You know him. He’s stubborn and he’s resourceful. Don’t carry around guilt about this, Kevin. You understand me?  _Do not feel guilty about this_.”

 

Tears stood in Kevin’s dark eyes. “I just…I mean, he looks…I can’t…”

 

Those broken words were too much for AJ. He didn’t hesitate to step right up to Kevin and wrap the older man in his arms, pulling Kevin as close as he could. He wasn’t tall enough to cradle Kevin’s head on his shoulder so he settled for snuggling in against Kevin’s shoulder. It seemed to do the trick. Kevin let out a rough sob before bringing his arms around AJ and burying his face against AJ’s hair.

 

As the silent sobs shook Kevin’s body, the two friends stood in that bathroom together, neither moving. It was healing for AJ as well, to be able to offer this kind of strength to someone who was like a brother to him. The hug didn’t just heal one, but the both of them.

 

Finally, when Kevin pulled back, AJ smiled up at him and handed him some tissues. Kevin gave a watery chuckle before drying off his face. “Thanks, AJ.”

 

“No problem. We all need it, once in a while.” He said with a shrug. Then, once Kevin’s face was dry, AJ hooked their arms together and took Kevin back out into the hospital room. He walked him over to the door, opening it wide. “Go home for a while, Kev. Go get some sleep. Get everyone else to go sleep too. Everything’s ok now. We’re all going to be fine. Just shut that massive brain of yours off for a while and relax.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“I plan on crawling into Brian’s bed with him in about thirty seconds and sawing some serious logs.” AJ teased.

 

Kevin leaned in, giving him one last, brief hug. “You’ve grown into one hell of a guy, Alexander.” He said kindly before turning and leaving the room.

 

The compliment warmed AJ, but he couldn’t help but shake his head. Lord, it was spreading. Now even Kevin was calling him Alexander. As he crawled into bed with Brian, snuggling up against him, he thought to himself that he was going to have to figure out some way to make people understand that his name was AJ, not Alexander. Not unless he was in trouble. He fell asleep against Brian’s side, a smile on his face.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

*Two Days Later*

 

“What on earth are you doing, Alex?” Brian said, chuckling. He walked carefully, blind to the world around him. Behind him AJ walked, reaching around so that his hands covered Brian’s eyes. Though the two were both walking gingerly, neither let it get them down.

 

AJ had driven Brian home from the hospital, unable to keep the smile off his face. He knew what was waiting for them at the house and he couldn’t wait to surprise Brian with it. To his immense surprise, Brian seemed to know that something was going to happen and hadn’t seemed to mind. If anything, he’d been joking with AJ the entire way home, trying to pry it out of him!

 

Once they’d got out of the car, though, AJ had gone behind Brian and reached out to cover Brian’s eyes. “I can’t have you peeking.” He explained.

 

“Or walking well.” Brian said with a soft laugh. “If I fall, I’m fully prepared to blame it all on you.”

 

“Oh, hush. Just walk, sweetheart.”

 

Snickering, Brian started forward. AJ helped guide him up the walk and then to the front door. There he paused, trying to figure out how to do things. “Ok, reach out and open the door. It’s right in front of you.”

 

“Do I get to look?”

 

“Nope, Bri. Just feel your way.” AJ couldn’t resist adding that last part on.

 

He was rewarded with another of Brian’s soft chuckles. The man was nowhere near healed, but he had showed more humor and life in the past two days than he’d had since the whole thing started. Brian had told AJ the other night that part of it was easier to deal with, at least in the anytime, because he knew now that Zach was locked away somewhere. There wasn’t the ever present fear that he was going to come after him. It was only at night that those fears, the fear that Zach had escaped or would escape, came out and haunted him.

 

AJ pushed those thoughts aside. Now wasn’t the moment for them. He laughed as Brian finally found the doorknob and twisted it, pushing the door open. Then AJ was guiding him inside, down the hall of his parent’s house.

 

When he reached the living room, AJ looked at everyone standing there and gave a big smile before mouthing “One, two, three.” On three, he moved his hands from Brian’s eyes and everyone shouted “Welcome home!”

 

Surprise had Brian startling for a minute. Then a huge smile split his face. There were streamers all over the places and a huge sign that said ‘Welcome Home!’ on it. Everyone was there. Micheal, Kevin, Howie, Nick, Jackie, Harold Sr and Harold Jr. All of them had come to welcome Brian home.

 

Laughter echoed through the room as everyone made way for Brian and AJ to come in. Music turned on in the background, a nice sound behind the sudden babble of conversation. People were talking all at the same time, giving Brian brief hugs and kissing his cheeks. AJ stood off to the side, watching as his love stood in a crowd of people with only a small trace of his old fear.

 

It took almost fifteen minutes before Brian finally made his way back to AJ. By then food was being passed around as well as drinks and the house seemed to be exploding with noise. There was a soft smile on Brian’s lips when he stopped right before AJ. “A surprise party, hm?”

 

“Yep.” AJ said cheekily. “Thought we’d make you smile a little. Mostly your Mom’s idea, but the rest of us took off with it.”

 

That little smile Brian wore grew bigger. “You guys were right.”

 

Though there was still some of that old hesitation there, Brian stepped forward, sliding an arm around AJ’s waist and letting AJ slide one around his shoulders. He leaned into AJ’s side, dropping his head onto AJ’s shoulder to snuggle in.

 

There against the wall, as family and friends partied around them, AJ sighed. He tipped his head, kissing the curls that he loved so much, and gave the love of his life a brief squeeze. “Welcome home, Brian.” He whispered.

 

Brian’s return squeeze was full of love. “Home is right here.” He whispered, so softly that AJ barely heard.

 

Those words sounded perfect to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable29.html
> 
> This is the end of this crazy and long story. There had been talks of a sequel but, since I've lost all contacts with my partner in crime, we never got around and wrote it. I might come back one day in the future and write it, although it might be not an Arok (I don't think I''ll ever be able to write another pairing than Brian/Nick lol). Let's see what happens. =)  
> Thanks to everyone who read or will read it. Hope you'll enjoy it. And if you want to drop a comment, I'll be the happiest person alive. =)  
> Cinzia

**Author's Note:**

> Original link: http://bsbslash.angelfire.com/home/unbreakable1.html (Mamogirl)


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